SATURDAY EVENING POST
No mail for columns…but good mail for livers! The Summer of Hyatte is
SAVED! Russo, my Ding Dong Hyuck Hawr
Hello, it’s FLEA. Just to let you know – this almost was one of * those *
columns…if you have been reading me for any length of time, you may know what that means. It’s very rare (as in almost never) that I edit, but what I started writing earlier, after re-reading, was too far out and left field-ish, even by my standards.
Standards – that’s an interesting word – I’ve been trying to hold it together with these columns, seeing as I’m pretty much on a piggyback ride with The Summer of Hyatte. No sense in being 100% non compos mentis , especially when I’m able to complete the trilogy of my favorite back-to-back-to-back things to read on the IWC. Me, Hyatte and Eric S. Goodamn that sounds a little egocentric, but that’s how I always liked it…GRUT too. And Daniels and / or Widro. Those were the days
I know what you are thinking and you are probably right…
“NO ONE reads you Flea! Hyatte’s pretty much ready to be chauffer driven to the Glue Factory, Eric’s on a roll, but Jesus Christ, stay on the pills…GRUT who? Daniels and Widro – oh yeah – the rat f*ckers who won’t hire me…hell of a combilation you picked, catfish.”
Hey…until someone comes out with a credible IWC 100, I’m still the Judge and Jury of these things, so put that in your pipe and don’t exhale
Needless to say – here we go. For those of you that ask me about investing in the WWE, last week’s column was no joke – I bailed. Well, a large portion of it anyway. The short term of this company is something I’m probably better off not getting into…which was the crux of what I deleted. Bottom line is, I keptenough to suck up the dividend each quarter (providing they continue to do it)…have an average share price of around 10 bucks and would rather eat my foot than let Vince McMahon tie up a good chunk of my money while he figures out hiring 3rd rate screenwriters, who couldn’t write a suicide note for a broke junkie with a loaded gun make a mockery out of…never even mind. Long term, it’s all good. But the stock is a rotten fish for the next two years. The current product is based on a…I will get to that part
And before Richie Valens takes us into all this – I would like to give a HUGE thank you to a longtime reader – damn, when you type something like that, it’s weird. “AH’VE BEEN DOING THIS LONGER”…drop the caps, chummmmmm…p. hawr, snuck that one in…anyway
A longtime reader read about my love of Willie Nelson’s Old Whiskey River
bourbon and agreed with me. It’s some of the smoothest, best tasting booze I’ve ever had the pleasure of drinking – and I’ve had quite a few. I went to the local store a week ago and they claimed that it’s no longer in
production…that’s enough to bring a tear to a glass eye. When I further
questioned the whys, hows and raised hell about the IRS, communists and the
sorry f*cks that would do something like this to me, I was offered a discount on some queer, low rent Irish Whiskey. I declined, but did pick up a few things and apologized for the deranged ravings. They understood. They love the stuff as well, and it’s a double whammy being a distributor and getting the shaft, as opposed to the Customer. Good friends, and we all agreed, the booze in question will be flowing the next time we all get together…because that’s how it is…
So, I shot off an email to this guy, crying the blues about my misfortune,
only to have a beautiful response letter appear in my inbox…
“I can get you five cases…gimme your address and I’ll have a
driver deliver it for you…just pay for the booze, consider the delivery
“Flea of Charge” and Happy Birthday, you prick”
Man, you’ve never seen a bigger freak in your life…I went straight to
dining room bar and had two shots of my last bottle of the stuff…”special” reserve – in case of emergency / or an amazing stroke of luck , break glass. Dancing and singing like a maniac, I went DIRECTLY
to the piano and started playing a medley of “Happy Days are Here Again” and “Whiskey River Take My Mind”…the fact that it was 8:30am on a Wednesday morning didn’t cross my mind until I had a high – heeled
shoe thrown at me…which begat the even louder playing…along with singing in full part Whiskey River early morning harmony of…“the thing that disturbs you is only the sound of the Low Spark of High Heeled Boys”
…oh yes – work the crowd, Fleabag. The Loved One. By noon, things were
smoothed over enough that the joke was, indeed, on everyone else. “You
could have put my EYE out with that f*cking shoe!” “What did you think
I was aiming at, the wall?”
Friday morning I get a call asking me to open the gate. My delivery. Rotten
bastard hooked me up, but good…and…well, I’ve made a standing offer to repay the favor:
Anytime, you guys are welcome. But you gotta talk your old lady out of
Emeril’s. There are fifteen places in the area better than that – besides, it’s militant non-smoking. No smoking, No Flea. We’ll go to the beach and eat while watching the ocean. Talk about how great Hyatte is. My treat, of course…and thanksFLEA
So, 5 f’ing cases of sweetness….Desi: ” So you’ll be ready for 5 more
next month”…ME: shit, woman, there are only a couple days left in
July…get off my cloud! Christmas sounds good.”
The name of the person above has been omitted to protect the guilty. I only
opened the door…
enough of all this
Come on, let’s Go!
oops…..it’s Monday now….
TOP STORY
No Observer this week, so…hawr and hyuck. So much for this column…away we go!
THE KING OF THE INTERNET – when he ain’t
Ryder Fakin: you tied up again tonight?
Hyatte1com: no and you just fucvked up mny game of Pac man
Hyatte1com: asshole
Hyatte1com signed off at 9:59:59 PM.
Pac Man…my hero. And quit messing up “Where does Flea Stand?”,
Walter Wit. If you can’t get that right, it may be time to jump…
Let’s Get to it!
* * * * * *
RAW IS WAR – or This Hillbilly Rips Me OFF!
– here we are with Y2J, at the Mohegan Sun Casino. Wonder if an Indian
will show up tonight
– Jericho wearing a wifebeater t-shirt. And a camouflage hat…so no
one can see him wearing a wifebeater t-shirt, of course.
– J bitches about Cena’s musical performance last week – I liked it. C-Dawg did what every other white guy would do – made the BLACK GUY DO ALL THE WORK. Beeyach didn’t sing shit, yo.
– Replay of the blah blah blah -…by the way – f*ck you Scherer and
Keller. TooJay singed his deal. MARKS
– TooJay calls his balls “plums”…no joke here. eat me
– That Wigger Cena runs in, Bischoff yells. Stacks the deck against
Jerky…another ref is TooJay again. Hello, 1998. I’m FLEA. Hyatte was funny back then, you know. FLEA was in no condition to deal with you. 1998, my PLUMS
– Major Announcement from McMahon tonight…everyone is speculating.
AND I MEAN EVERYONE. Russo says it’s going to be a plug for his website and yes it’s time to check my ID and…be back in a second
– commercials
– promo here for some product I’ll never buy. AXE Body Spray. Brother
puts it on and wakes up with a goat. AXE no questions, indeed
– Here’s some guy – Chris Masters. yeah he does. HERE COMES
THE…spoiler!
– oops, not yet. Snitsky’s here. And here comes That Ni…ce Guy
Sheldon Benjamin
– his tag partner? BIG SHOW!
– hey – where’s the Injun? All the spoiler websites said that some dude
I don’t give a shit about was coming to break the Masterlock Challenge tonight!
– you going to believe me or your lying eyes?
MORE ON RAW SPOILER FOR TONIGHT
by Mike Johnson @ 4:30:00 PM on 8/1/2005On Page 2 is a follow up to an earlier spoiler reported on PWInsider.com for tonight’s Raw. Do not proceed if you do not wish to be spoiled before watching Raw.
MORE ON RAW SPOILER FOR TONIGHT
by Mike Johnson @ 4:30:00 PM on 8/1/2005On the official website for Chris “Tatanka” Chavis, an administrator
for the site posted the following note in regard to readers posting
PWInsider.com’s news on Chavis being backstage at Raw today in Uncasville, CT:“Yes… for
those of you who may have noticed, Chris will be participating on WWE
programming tonight… most likely in the Masterlock Challenge segment. Stay tuned here for more news in the next few days!”
To check out Chavis’ official website, visit www.NativeTatanka.com.HUGE RAW SPOILER…YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
8/1/2005 5:17:48 PMFrom NativeTatanka.com:
Yes… for those of you who may have noticed, Chris (Tatanka) will be
participating on WWE programming tonight… most likely in the Masterlock
Challenge segment.
Stay tuned here for more news in the next few days!
– good job, assholes
– commercials
– and of course, Meltzer’s website has been down all day – oddly
enough, I still don’t have the Observer from this week…speculate, if you
choose. Or Drop Dead
– Snitsky has done nothing but mug for the camera, in between sucking.
ROSS: “modified Cobra Clutch”. YOUR EYES WATCHING: “oh man, this guy needs to be arrested for impersonating a wrestler”.
– what’s really f-d up is this is 10x better than the Tag Team Match on
PPV with Hawk and Heiden…wait, wrong dude – Johnny Ace’s Brother and
Heidenreich.
– LIVE AND LOUD crowd tonight. Casino plus 1st of month checks coming =
some happy mofos
– hot tag to Show. He ain’t Ace’s Brother who ate…oops, over before I
could think of a joke.
– Nothing wrong with the team of Show and SB that a good job or two
won’t fix
– Up next is The Eugene Gold Medal Invitational. If they wanted to be
cute, they would have him come out with a “Participation” ribbon…that would be neat, seriously. But too much attention to detail, or…whatever. Just put a bag over the chicks face that is walking around with the mole. And not because of the mole…
– commercials
– and there is Eugene with Hemme. Cute girl. The right one got the job.
Perky and lost about 10 pounds. Shouldn;t have went straight to Playboy until she went on the road and snorted some…GOT A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP AND WORKED OUT. Yeah – she looks good now.
– Angle is the mystery guest. Eugene gets uppity. Twice. Three times.
Cheap Pop. Angle is no homeboy…
– think Hemme would go for a weekend rolling around in the snow?
– Oh great – here’s the goddamn Indian. Who cares about this guy?
Coach: I hated him back then and I still do! FLEA: holy shit, Ross made the
connection re: Indians and Casinos. BIGOTS
– Lawler makes some joke about El Salvador. He must have cruel memories
about having to call this guy’s matches
– History time: The Alamo – it took 10,000 Indians to whip 500
Hillbillies. That’s why we own Arizona
– Angle run in – DQ. Clock stopped, No Winner. Cheerleader Hemme.
Here’s a cheer: Rah Rah Cutie Pie…two lines of blow = cum in your eye
– commercials
– recap of Kane, Lita and Edge. I think we’ve seen that movie
– live version of 2J, Carlito and Bischoff. Colusionary ain’t a word,
Good Ol.
– McMahon is here…guess they don’t have two wrestlers in the back that could kill 10 minutes with a wrestling match. Or else they are having fun collecting $$$ on commercials – ain’t happening at USA, nope
– commercials
– OH HYATTE – how come Trish ain’t in the SS promo?
– Here’s comes Vincent K. McMahon. Still a great song. Instructions left with the gorillas to kiss his ass. ROSS: agenda. LAWLER: no shit
– VINCE: 636th edition of RAWr. Milestone of some kind. Cheap Pop. Who
cares
– Whoa – Vince is turning heel. Fuck the crowd, he thanks himself.
Crowd cheers cause they don’t read the sheets. Vince will spell it out…
– Vince is shooting! ooooo…this is good. “SOB Bischoff”…good business. “ECW – dead and buried”…good business.
– Mystery decision time…and this f*cker is going to put over that
asshole Matt Hardy. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU
– Hardy drops this ball and he…he will. This is akin to having the key to the liquor store and the owner taking out a full page ad in 3 papers
crowing about what a fun drunk you are…
– Catfish has a live mic. “Roolh”. IT’S RAW, you cocksucker. Here we go…
– “Amy Dumah”
– crowd is already turning
– who cares
– no we don’t know they deal – and we still don’t care
– sheep
– “Matt Hardy Movement” – run with that ball, douchebag
– pssst – the people are quiet because they are listening
– hardy talks “death”…only thing that’s killed here is the
hottest crowd in six weeks. FIRST OF THE MONTH PAYCHECKS IN A CASINO! Only thing that could bum them out? A mush mouthed no woman holding on to hillbilly crying the blues…about “Adam” and “Dumah” -WHO?
The “$$$” sign is Vince’s eyes just turned to “XFL”. He’d have done better betting on Green 0 and hitting on 19
– Vince runs into Chavo….Kerwin. Fuck the Casino…his money’s booking the One Legged Man Ass Kicking Contest tonight. Vince is backing the paraplegic
– Hey! It’s Val Venis. It is 1998! Who the hell is this guy? Rick Martel? No…The Con Man. It’s 1992
– I’d feel sorry for this crowd if they had to go home and sleep tonight
– Martel wins.
– commercials…hey it’s a Public Enemy Greatest Hits promo. Best thing
I’ve seen in half and hour
– HBK Greatest’s Hits…this will cheer me up…
– JESUS! Who hates me? So I sold the stock – that makes me the enemy?
– It’s a rehash of Billionaire Ted skits. Only it’s HBK (as Hogan) and…some dude as Larry King. A Parody. A f*cking Parody. This has to be
personal – the only angle I’ve gave a goodamn about in a year and look what
happens
– OK – HBK highlight reel. Can’t go wrong with that
– and OH HERE’S THE WIT. HBK is awesome, even in this setting. But, come on, Juan.
– Ha ha ha – kicked the guy in the face…Save this segment, HBK…and
this show, while you are at it
– good job. Thanks
– commercials
– Diva Search now. Lawler uses the same joke when some hooch is booted.
“Like to see her go, hate to see her leave”. Gotta hate those guys who
use the same joke
– Well, we’ve gone from the Penthouse to the Outhouse now. It’s Rob Deuce.
– has this guy EVER been funny? HE SAID BONER! he still ain’t
– Carlin, Rickles, Conway and Klein work Casinos. This dope couldn’t get comped at a free buffet.
– Time for the Cena show – Hardy still around?
– commercials
– why does Cena’s entrance music remind me of drunk nights in Ybor City? I mean, before they cleaned it up. Couldn’t walk 2 blocks without the fear
of dying. Hear that music? It sucked then….if I’m getting murdered on the
corner of Mexican and Canadian, at least Gimme Shelter
Cause I’m the type of nigga that’s built to last
If you Fuck with me, I’ll put my foot in your ass
– commercials
– promo here for some product I’ll never buy. AXE Body Spray. Brother
puts it on and wakes up with a goat. AXE no questions, indeed
– YOU tell them to get new sponsors. I don’t care anymore
And all you bitches, you know I’m talkin to you
“We want to f*ck you Eazy!”
I want to f*ck you too
– ROSS: this match is a damn joke!
– FLEA: Yup
– At least the crowd is awake now. The kids love this Cena. I guess that means something to someone, but not me
I don’t give a f*ck, cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the f*ck are they yellin?
– Chin lock…transitioned into a backdrop. Even Snitsky didn’t go that
low…
– and no, this ain’t Rock and Austin. Or Rock and HHH. Or HHH and
anyone…
– ROSS: If Gorilla Monsoon was here, he would say: “miscarriage of justice”
– If Heenan was here, he would have said “Check Please” at 9:42
– Cena wins. 2J gets all up in his grill. Cena is lost improvising. But
he sells good…that’s a start, I guess
– Blade job too…2J whacked a camera upside his melon. That should
make a good visual on the recap shows
– segment drew heat when 2J was doing things. As long as Cena takes
good ass kickigs, he’ll be okay. Gotta start somewhere
– Hardy, on he other hand…hope you guys have seen the light
– Nitro wins
Thanks for Reading
FLEA – ryderfakin@yahoo.com
