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SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF!

Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! I’m on Tuesday today because Patrick who usually is on Tuesdays published his column yesterday, so today I’ll be on Tuesday and most likely next week, Patrick will be back on Tuesday, and I will be back on…..

What day do I usually write this?

Today we will talk about the latest events in the never ending epic called the “Steroid Controversy.”, look over those snazzy new NHL rules, and have a little fun too.

BUT, FIRST!
Let’s take a look around IP Sports.

Even though it’s getting the props all over IP, because I’m somewhat sort of kind of not really one eighth responsible for it, we have the pilot episode of

IP SPORTS RADIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s give ourselves pats on the back and watermelon martinis for entering the year 2002. Next year, we may even enter 2004! Hey, before you know it, we may be in the same year!!!!

The Good Doctor muses over Lance Armstrong. It’s quite strange, aint’ it? We’re all impressed and we’re all cheering him on because we’re ethnocentric Americans, and watching one of our own dominate a French sport is amusing. But in many ways, none of us really care. However, those yellow arm bracelets are becoming quite popular, aren’t they?

So about seven years ago, I saw Swingers but I did not verbally memorize it scene for scene. So like most of you, I had no idea what Pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment meant. I just thought he was crazy. Or it was something he wrote on a journal while on acid or something. Then while flipping, I caught THE SCENE where the guy makes the bonehead remark at the breakfast table while flirting with the waitresses. And I went “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s where that comes from!” And for those of you whoe just cantwait cantwait cantwait for football, Nick soothes you with some AFC talk.

And he went to Aruba and he said he was bored…….

And is the clutch on your Corvette a little too heavy?

Hrmph

And yes, Hatton, I did catch those nifty super-villainess outfits. And oh my god, James, I can’t believe those redneck wrestling fans cut the hottest one. What idiots. I loved Summer!


Isn’t she the cutest! Grwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

And speaking of a hot Summer in Minnesota, Gloomchen will have a new column today. About what? I don’t know. But I’m sure it will be Rad.

PLAMEIRO!
Who would of thought such a lovely sounding name would end up being the bane of all the baseball traditionalists. Anyway, we’ve been over this. You wanna see my opinion on steroids. Go here. My opinion hasn’t changed much. Now assuming you clicked on that link and read that (ha!), let’s take it and look at Rafael Palmeiro.

We all knew. I knew he was taking steroids. You knew he was taking steroids. We all knew it, from the very beginning. But, as the old Chinese and Greek philosophers used to say, “It’s only cheating if you get caught.” Of course, that’s not true. One may get away with it in the stupid plane of existence known as Planet Earth, but it catches up to you, in this life, or the next. The Universe is very consistent when it comes to things like that. With that said, the question that has everybody scratching their heads is “Why would he take steroids after all that’s happened?.” Hell, look at Mark McGuire. If you want to see a shining example of a sect turning against their God, that is it. If McGuire got thrown to the wolves, why would Palmeiro do it? Why would he risk his entire career and a chance to get inducted into the hall of fame?

The answer is because he’s stupid.

He’s a dumb jock. I mean, he’s been doing steroids since he was 11 probably, and you think he’s gonna stop because he might have perjured himself in front of congress? Po-leeze! Did you see him during those hearings? He had no idea what was going on. The athletes have no clue that many Americans have become hateful of them mostly because of their salary (and by the way, this is where most of this comes from, but that’s another column). They have no idea that small minded traditionalists are foaming at the mouths to erase their records and declare this the “Steroid Era”. They have no clue that the owners are laughing themselves all the way to hell because 1) They looked the other way when the players were doing steroids. 2) Gave themselves plausible deniability. 3) Publicly damned any player who was on steroids and 4) Gets public opinion back on their side when the CBA expires. So between the lynch mobs, the reactionaries, and the owners, many of these players have no idea the mine field they are walking in too.

Well, they know. But like I said, many of them are stupid and can’t contemplate just exactly how big of an issue this is. So Palmeiro, you got caught. What can I say? Best of luck to you I guess. I hear you’re a nice guy. If that’s true, you’ll get what’s coming to you. In this life or the next.

And by the way, (and you’re gonna love this one!) I have a secret to tell you. The so-called random testing that MLB implemented, it’s a con. They are only forced to be tested once a season. Which means if a player let’s sayyyyyyyy ohhhhhhh…I don’t know..Jason Giambi gets tested in April, he can refuse all the tests for the rest of the season and juice back up and start hitting lots of homeruns again! Just as an example.

TRADES NO MORE!
So the trade season didn’t work out like the good folks at ESPN wanted them too. Well, there is a reason for that. It’s because every major league baseball team (except Tampa, Kansas City, Seattle, Cincy, and Colorado) has a shot at either their division or wild card. Look at the standings, it’s kind of weird. So lots of teams are keeping their players and going for the inside gutshot straight draw this year. As for the trades that circled around the Mets and the Red Sox, the REAL loser is the Texas Rangers. They lose Soriano when this year is over and get nothing in return. Have fun in the AL West cellar, guys!

THE NHL RULES!
Changing gears, let’s take a look at the new NHL rules.
“¢ The neutral-zone edges of the blue lines will be positioned 64 feet from the attacking goal line and 75 feet from the end boards in the attacking zone. The addition of four feet in each of the offensive zones should encourage more offensive play, particularly on power-plays.
“¢ The goal lines will be positioned 11 feet from the end boards, two feet closer to the end boards than previously.
“¢ The size of the neutral zone will be reduced to 50′ from 54′.
“¢ The blue lines and center line will remain at 12 inches in width.

What this means in English:
They are moving the nets back. People have complained about too much space in the back of the goal as they said it minninimzed offense.

My Opinion:
It won’t do anything. And nobody complained about it when Gretzky perfected behind-the-net goals

“¢ Passes from behind the defensive blue line to the attacking blue line will be considered legal. The center red line will be ignored for purposes of the “two line pass”.
“¢ “The Tag-up Rule” will permit play to continue if offensive players who preceded the puck into the zone return to the blue line and “tag” it.

What this means in English:
They are getting rid of the red line

My opinion:
Much ado about nothing. It will do absolutely nothing. In fact, it actually may help defenses out because too many people are going to try to make high risk passes.

“¢ A player who instigates a fight in the final five minutes of a game will receive a game misconduct and an automatic one-game suspension. The length of suspension would double for each additional incident.
“¢ As well, the player’s Coach will be fined $10,000 — a fine that would double for each such incident.

What this means in English:
More cracking down on fighting, more specifically, end of game scrums especially in the playoffs.

My opinion:
Most owners and GMs that hire fighters and goons will pay off these fines for the players. Won’t do anything.

“¢ The dimensions of goaltender equipment will be reduced by approximately 11 percent. In addition to a one-inch reduction (to 11′) in the width of legpads, the blocking glove, upper-body protector, pants and jersey will also be reduced in size.
“¢ Goaltenders may play the puck behind the goal line only in a trapezoid-shaped area defined by lines that begin six feet from either goal post and extend diagonally to points 28 feet apart at the endboards.

What this means in English:
They are dressing down the goaltenders.

My opinion:
Finally, a rule that will do something. This is a long time coming. Ironically, the great goalies such as Hasek and Brodeur never wore the full plate armor. This rule will expose mediocre goaltenders though. This will most likely create more offense for teams playing against non-elite goaltenders.

“¢ Zero tolerance on Interference, Hooking and Holding/Obstruction.
“¢ Goaltenders who play the puck behind the goal line but outside the designated puck handling area will be penalized for delay of game.
“¢ Goaltenders will be penalized for delaying the game if they “freeze” the puck unnecessarily.
“¢ Any player who shoots the puck directly over the glass in his defending zone will be penalized for delay of game.

What this means in English:
Loosening up the game by calling penalties on much of the scuttle that goes on during trapping.

My opinion:
Teams that rely on defense may be hurt by this, however this is still an experiment. The truth is if the referees fully implement this, there will be a penalty every 45 seconds. This is an interesting one to watch.

“¢ Following a scoreless five-minute overtime, three players from each team participate in the order the coach selects.
“¢ Each team takes three shots. The team with the most goals after those six shots is the winner.
“¢ If the score remains tied, the shootout will proceed to a “sudden death” format.
“¢ Regardless the number of goals scored during the shootout portion of overtime, the final score recorded for the game will give the winning team one more goal than the score at the end of regulation time.

This is self explanatory. However my opinion is that like Palmeiro, it is stupid. A hockey game should not end in a shootout. What’s next? An obstacle course with American Gladiators? Actually, that would be cool.
So there you have it. That’s all the column this week. Have a great first week of August, enjoy your baseball, try not to get to crazy over this steroid thing, and for those of you who are football addicts, training camp begins, and enjoy watching those roster cuts! Have a great week everybody. And remember kids, don’t get high

if you’re already high. You won’t get any higher that night and you will have less tomorrow.