You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn’t there? You ask, “Where’s Jeff?” “Jeff no longer works here, I’m Steve.” Then you’re thinking, hey, who’s this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink. And even though Steve doesn’t mix your drink the same way you’re used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar. You don’t want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn’t.
Well, I’m Steve. What can I get you?
Welcome one and all to the weekly “What a Tease!” column hosted by yours truly, Shaun Norton John Cavanagh. Norton’s taken off for a bit and in his absence, I’ll be taking over. He had a very solid format here so I’m not going to try to fix something that isn’t broken, but I will be tweaking some things over the next few weeks.
This columns been MIA for close to a month now so bare with me as I try to work in some trailers that may have been missed in it’s absence. I’m still working out the kinks so if there’s anything you think could be done better or perhaps something that could improve the flow of the column, shoot me and email at John.C.Cavanagh@gmail.com.
Now to the trailers.
Coming Soon :
Starring: Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, Stephen Rea, Stephen Fry, John Hurt.
Release Date: November 4th 2005
Plot: In an alternate timeline where Germany won World War II and Great Britain is now a facist state, a masked vigilante known only as “V” conducts guerrilla warfare against the government. When he rescues a normal young woman (Portman), she joins his struggle against the forces of oppression.
Spoilers: 5.5
Analysis: I’ve never been introduced to the V for Vendetta comic books, but the concept has me anxiously awaiting its arrival to the local movie theater. A lot of the series fans recently have been up in arms about the production due to co-creator Allen Moore publicly disowning the movie adaptation. But after seeing this trailer I can bet that most of their worries have been laid to rest, the trailer doesn’t follow the same formula as most comic book movies have and it works on a whole new level because of it. those lucky enough, Warner has released a High Definition version of the trailer exclusively for people with Quicktime 7 Here.
Overall rating: 10
Starring: Colin Farrell, Christopher Plummer, Christian Bale, August Schellenberg, Wes Studi, David Thewlis, Yorick van Wageningen, Q’orianka Kilcher, Will Wallace
Release Date: November 9th 2005
Plot: Acclaimed filmmaker Terrence Malick transforms the classic story of John Smith and Pocahontas into a exploration of love, loss and discovery, both a celebration and an elegy of the America that was…and the America that was yet to come. Against a historically accurate Virginia backdrop, Malick has set a dramatized tale of two strong-willed characters – a passionate and noble young native woman and an ambitious soldier of fortune – torn between the undeniable requirements of their civic duty and the inescapable demands of the human heart.
Spoilers: 5
Analysis: Collin Farrell returns after finally washing the stench of Alexander from his resume, and appears to be in top form here. The trailer does a great job of just giving a quick glance at what movie goers can expect this fall at their local multiplex. From the looks of things I’d say they’re heading in the right direction, specifically by casting an unknown to play the role of Pocahontas, because casting a familiar face would have likely taken the audience completely out of the experience (why is J. Lo in the 1700’s? And why does she still have that Bronx accent?). Just don’t expect this movie to have them break out in song like the Disney version did.
Overall rating: 7.5
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Reese Witherspoon, Ginnifer Goodwin, Robert Patrick
Release Date: November 18th 2005
Plot: He picked cotton, sold door to door, and served in the Air Force. He was a voice of rebellion that changed the face of rock and roll. An outlaw before today’s rebels were born – and an icon they would never forget. He did all this before turning 30. And his name was Johnny Cash. WALK THE LINE explores the early years of the music legend, an artist who transcended musical boundaries to touch people around the globe. As his music changed the world, Cash’s own world was rocked by the woman who became the love of his life: June Carter.
Spoilers: 3.5
Analysis: This biopic on the man in black seems to be the role Joaquin Phoenix was born to play. The trailer starts off listing Cash’s musical legacy but shows us the movie is going to clearly be about the highs and lows of his life, and the way it presents that is making me seriously consider seeing this on November 18th instead of the new Harry Potter installment. Johnny Cash’s life story isn’t a secret, he’s been an American icon and in the public eye for decades. So as long as the director and writer can create a 120-150 minute movie that captures the real Johnny Cash then they’ve got a home run here. From the looks of things now, it wouldn’t suprise me in the least if this generates a LOT of Oscar buzz next year.
Overall rating: 10
Starring: Naomi Watts, Adrien Brody, Jack Black, Andy Serkis, Jamie Bell
Release Date: December 14th, 2005
Plot: While filming on location at the mysterious Skull Island (near Sumatra) a group of filmmakers discover a giant gorilla named Kong, living in a massive jungle where creatures from prehistoric times have been protected and hidden for millions of years. As they search for the great ape, their quest puts them up against both Kong and his dinosaur enemies. Ultimately, it is the attention of a beautiful human woman (Naomi Watts) that soothes Kong long enough for him to be subdued and shipped back to New York, where his bleak future involves being put on display in front of humans… but how long can even the mightiest shackles of man hold back an ape 25 feet tall?
Spoilers: 8
Analysis: For what’s supposed to be a teaser this sure does give away a whole lot of spoilers. I have 100% faith in Peter Jackson on this movie but just giving away scenes with the dinosaurs and Kong takes away the thrills of it all. He kept all of the designs and sketches under lock and key just to give everything away here? Spoilers aside it looks to be one of the truest remakes to come along in years. Now, I wonder if a stegosaurus will be taken down with a shot gun in this one as well…
Overall rating: 8
Starring: Laura Linney, Tom Wilkinson, Campbell Scott, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Jennifer Carpenter
Release Date: September 9th, 2005
Plot: A lawyer takes on a negligent homicide case involving a priest who performed an exorcism on a young girl that resulted in her death.
Spoilers: 5
Analysis: This movie’s supposed to be based on the true story that inspired the original Exocist movie. I must admit, while watching I got a few goose bumps, but after the trailer ended I found out that it was rated PG-13, which makes me wonder how good it can be with that rating. None the less, the trailer gives me hope that in this day and age there can be a great horror movie… even if it’s kinda sortof a remake of The Exocist.
Overall rating: 7.5
Starring: 50 Cent, Joy Bryant, Viola Davis, Terrence Dashon Howard, Rhyon Nicole Brown
Release Date: November 11th, 2005
Plot: An orphaned street kid makes his mark in the drug trade, but finally dares leave the violence behind to pursue a promising career in rap.
Spoilers: 4.5
Analysis: Is this the movie where 50 Cent asked Samuel L. Jackson to play him and then Sam responded with something like “Are you kidding me? I’m an ACTOR!”? The first thing that’s noticable watching this is how it’s been edited so you can’t quite see 50 Cent’s acting chops, reasons for that are either a. it’s edited like so because it’s only a teaser or b. he can’t act to save his life and they’re doing their best to cover it up. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past four years it’s pretty easy to figure out how this movie ends up.
Overall rating: 2.5
Starring: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, Selma Blair, DeRay Davis, Rade Serbedzija
Release Date: October 14, 2005
Plot: A thick fog enshrouds a coastal town. The fog is reminiscent of one 100 years earlier that wrecked a ship and drowned the seamen aboard. Sure enough, the sailors are back and out to kill whomever they find.
Spoilers: 7
Analysis: Hold on a second, your telling me for the low low price of only 10 dollars I can see Superman vs. pirate ghosts? You’ve already got my money! Something that rubs me the wrong way however is, why does every horror movie made 25 year ago need to be remade? Carpenter’s version can still stand on its own merit, it’s not like the movie’s dated or anything. The trailer looks great and that’s the most any The Fog fan could ask for I suppose. It’ll be interesting to see what the final product looks like with the advancements of todays CGI, just look at what they did in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Overall Rating: 7
Starring: Donnie Wahlberg, Shawnee Smith, Tobin Bell, Franky G, Dina Meyer
Release Date: October 28th, 2005
Plot: While investigating the bloody aftermath of a grizzly murder, Detective Eric Mason has the feeling that it is the work of Jigsaw, the notorious killer who disappeared leaving a trail of bodies – and parts – behind. And Mason is right. Jigsaw is at work again. But instead of two people locked in a room with only one unthinkable way out, there are eight. Eight strangers — unaware of their connection to each other — forced to play out a game that challenges their wits and puts their lives in jeopardy.
Spoilers: 1.5
Analysis: The teaser doesn’t give much of anything away (it only runs for 45 seconds), it’s mostly just letting audiences know that it’s being released this Halloween. The first movie which originally received a lot of praise from critic, soon became ostracized for being a Seven knock-off. Personally I still haven’t seen Saw, it just never peaked much interest. But I do have to give it to the director for turning what was planned to be a direct-to-DVD title into a box office hit.
Overall Rating: 5
Starring: Stephanie Leonidas, Gina McKee, Rob Brydon, Jason Barry, Dora Bryan, Robert Llewellyn, Andy Hamilton
Release Date: September 30th 2005 (New York)
Plot: This is the story of Helena (Stephanie Leonidas), a fifteen-year-old girl working for her family circus, who wishes – quite ironically – that she could run away from the circus and join real life. But such is not to be the case, as she finds herself on a strange journey into the Dark Lands, a fantastic landscape filled with giants, monkeybirds and dangerous sphinxes. On her quest to return home, Helena searches for the Mirrormask, an object of enormous power, which is her only hope of escaping the Dark Lands.
Spoilers: 2
Analysis: It’s Being described as a cross between The Wizard of Oz and Labyrinth, after watching that trailer I honestly can’t think of a better blend of twisted goodness. The trailer gives VERY little away as far as any story goes but visually it’s just breath taking. Honestly I think Mirror Mask just seems a bit too obscure for mainstream America, but it’ll surely find its niche audience once the DVDs hit store shelves.
Overall rating: 7
Opening this Week :
Starring: Bill Murray, Jeffrey Wright, Sharon Stone, Frances Conroy, Jessica Lange
Release Date: August 5th, 2005 (limited)
Plot: The resolutely single Don Johnson has just been dumped by his latest lover, Sherry. Don yet again resigns himself to being alone and left to his own devices. Instead, he is compelled to reflect on his past when he receives by mail a mysterious pink letter. It is from an anonymous former lover and informs him that he has a 19-year-old son who may now be looking for his father. Don is urged to investigate this “mystery” by his closest friend and neighbor, Winston, an amateur sleuth and family man. Hesitant to travel at all, Don nonetheless embarks on a cross-country trek in search of clues from four former flames. Unannounced visits to each of these unique women hold new surprises for Don as he haphazardly confronts both his past and, consequently, his present.
Spoilers: 5
Analysis: Like a fine wine, Bill Murray only gets better with age. If I had to go by only trailers as to choose what to see this week, Broken Flowers would be the winner. It’s one of those trailers where you have no clue about what could or couldn’t be conceived as spoilers but it’s enjoyable from beginning to end. The movie looks to be completely character driven so it’s good that Murray’s involved because he has such great comedic timing when he’s on screen.
Overall Rating: 8.5
Starring: Mia Maestro, Ruben Blades, Carlos Julio Molina, George Madera, Pedro Perez
Release Date: August 5th, 2005 (NY/LA)
Plot: Carla and Martin are a young upper-class couple fresh off of a night dancing and partying when they cross paths with Trece, Budu and Niga, three men who make their living by kidnapping unwitting young adults to extort quick money from their wealthy parents.
Spoilers: 4
Analysis: It’s kind of hard to look at this trailer and hear it tell me that the movie is original when it spells out to the viewer (literally in text on screen) that it’s three villains are cliches, “the leader” “the muscle” and “the hitman”. The trailer tries too hard to be something that it’s not, it relies on cliche graphics with cliche editing, hell it even has a cliche voice over. Secuestro Express‘ trailer just screams mediocre.
Overall rating: 4.5
Starring: Brian Herzlinger, Jon Gunn, Brett Winn, Kerry David, Eric Roberts
Release Date: August 5th, 2005 (limited)
Plot: Ever since the second grade when he first saw her in E.T. The Extraterrestrial, Brian Herzlinger has had a crush on Drew Barrymore. Now, 20 years later he’s decided to try to fulfill his lifelong dream by asking her for a date. There’s one small problem: She’s Drew Barrymore and he’s, well, Brian Herzlinger, a broke 27-year-old aspiring filmmaker from New Jersey. But that doesn’t stop Brian and his film school pals from doing everything they can think of to convince Barrymore to go out with him – and documenting their quest along the way. Equipped with a video camera they have to return to Circuit City in 30 days and the $1,100 Brian won on a game show (where the winning answer was, prophetically, “Drew Barrymore”), they’ve got one month to accomplish their mission. To succeed, they’ll need to negotiate an army of publicists, agents, producers and assistants who surround the star so Brian can pop the question.
Spoilers: 2.5
Analysis: This looks hilarious, the only problem is it’s all centered around America’s sweet heart miss Drew “I was in rehab before I got my braces off” Barrymore. I have no clue as to if this is all a mocumentary or if this guy seriously decided one day to hunt her down for a date. If he did this all on his own without it being meant to be a big joke then it sure raises the creep out rating to about a 9. The entire premise was just ludicrous to me, but once I watched the trailer I really got into the whole idea of watching this go on for 90 minutes to two hours.
Overall Rating: 6.5
Starring: Courteney Cox-Arquette, Matthew Carey, Brittany Ishibashi, Nick Offerman, Amir Talai
Release Date: July 22nd, 2005 (NY/LA)
Plot: After a dinner out, photographer Sophie Jacobs and her boyfriend Hugh stop at a corner store for a late night snack. While Sophie waits unaware in the car, Hugh is murdered in a violent robbery. Haunted by guilt, Sophie goes on with her life as best she can: teaching photography at a local art college, meeting her mother for lunch, and visiting her therapist. But one day at school, a slide mysteriously appears in the projector’s carousel: an image of what looks like her car in front of the corner store the night of the shooting. Are these paranoid visions stemming from her grief and guilt, or does someone know something about the murder?
Spoilers: 3
Analysis: An interesting choice by Mrs. Arquette to follow her Friends tenure certainly. However the trailer gives nothing to make me really care about her boyfriend’s murder nor does it really tell me what’s going on to make me want to pay to go see it. Maybe if the trailer mirrored the plot description above I would have a new opinion on it, but this column is to rate the trailers. So A for effort I guess.
Overall Rating: 5.5
Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds, Willie Nelson
Release Date: August 5th, 2005
Plot: Set in present day, the story follows the adventures of “good old boy” cousins, Bo (Seann William Scott) and Luke (Johnny Knoxville) Duke, who with the help of their eye-catching cousin Daisy (Jessica Simpson) and moonshine running Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson), try and save the family farm from being destroyed by Hazzard County’s corrupt commissioner Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds). Their efforts constantly find the “Duke Boys” eluding authorities in “The General Lee,” their famed 1969 orange Dodge Charger that keeps them one step ahead of the dimwitted antics of the small southern town’s Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey).
Spoilers: 6.5
Analysis: And the award for least asked for TV show to be turned into a movie goes to… The Dukes of Hazzard! Some of the trailer looks good most looks bad, it’s pretty clear that this was only made because movies like Starsky & Hutch and Charlies Angles were proven to make money. With studio’s acquiring rights for just about EVERY 70’s TV show it’s only a matter of time until we can expect Rock Cops: The Movie to be released, so at least we have that to look forward to.
Overall Rating: 5.5
Number One Movie At the Box Office:
Starring: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Christopher Walken, Rachel McAdams, Isla Fisher
Plot: Vaughn and Wilson star as a pair of divorce mediators who spend their weekends crashing weddings in a search for Ms. Right…for a night. But when one of them falls for the engaged daughter (Rachel McAdams) of an influential and eccentric politician (Christopher Walken) at the social event of the year, they get roped into spending a weekend at the family’s palatial waterfront estate and quickly find themselves in over their heads.
Spoilers: 7.5
Analysis: When I first saw this I brushed off as a cookie cutter comedy being marketed solely on its stars. However Wedding Crashers sure has caught on though good word of mouth and a lot of glowing reviews making it the #1 movie in America after being released for three weeks (a rarity in this day and age). The trailer like I already mentioned seems to put all of its chips on the drawing power of Vaughn and Wilson. It also gives away a lot of spoilers for jokes too. So for a movie that I originally saw as dead in the water, I may have to go out and see how good it really is. You can check out Campbell’s review of the movie here.
Overall Rating: 6
And that wraps up this week.
All images courtesy of IMPawards.com.
