The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #103


I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine!

Hey,

I couldn’t believe it – as a religious checker of www.insidepulse.com and a former music reviewer for 411mania.com, seeing your article about a recon team looking for ME of all people seemed to be ridiculous. I thought at first, “oh they’re looking for someone else – gotta be.” But then again, Widro knows me and I have no idea really why you guys at insidepulse would be lookin for me!

Anyways, just so you know I’ve just finished my first year of law school at the University of Alberta in freezing Edmonton, Canada. My studies didn’t allow me to maintain my reviews and editorials, but then again the whole 411mania/insidepulse split was all too confusing and I sort of gave up. If it’s actually me you guys are looking for, lo and behold you’ve found me and I’d be happy to start writing again if that’s what you want. If not, keep up the good work! Shout outs to Widro for giving me my start and to all you guys over there. Post this in your article if you feel the need to, your recon is over!

-Warren

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Taco Bell’s Cheesy Gordita Crunch—a crunchy taco with a zesty pepper jack sauce, wrapped in warm, pillowy flatbread with a blend of three melted cheeses. Think outside the bun.

That’s right, the S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team has successfully recovered Warren Woo, and although I’d hoped for a slightly more dramatic scenario (like air-lifting him off of a burning offshore oil rig in the Persian Gulf while being shot at by the KGB), this will have to do.

I was just really flattered to hear that you guys missed me in such a weird way! And that you found this HILARIOUS picture of “Warren Woo” that looks nothing at all like me hahaha!


The possible Warren Woo (above) is spotted at Delilah's in Chicago, while the actual Warren Woo (below) at what appears to be some sort of spring formal, possibly in Canada.

Once again, I am posting this on Sunday, mostly because I was so sick on Saturday that I couldn’t even get out of bed until 6:30pm. Okay, so maybe it was just a bad hangover, but I still couldn’t f*cking move. On with the festivities…

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (FUN WITH FINGERS EDITION)

EmergncyAirlines (6:54:43 PM): So, for quality purposes, to better serve you, this conversation may be recorded and rehashed as my pimps section…
PulseMM (6:54:44 PM): s
PulseMM (6:54:57 PM): w
PulseMM (6:54:58 PM): wA?
EmergncyAirlines (6:56:10 PM): If you could describe Aaron Cameron, using one piece of kitchenware, what would it be?
PulseMM (6:56:22 PM): Tomato
EmergncyAirlines (6:56:28 PM): that’s food
EmergncyAirlines (6:56:34 PM): I was thinking utensil
EmergncyAirlines (6:56:41 PM): or appliance
PulseMM (6:56:52 PM): you’ve obviously never properly used a tomato
EmergncyAirlines (6:58:38 PM): out of all of our illustrious music staff, who looks the most like Widro?
PulseMM (6:59:13 PM): I’d have to say Kyle, minus the hat
PulseMM (6:59:44 PM): I don’t think I’ve ever seen Widro in a hat, actually. Or fully dressed for that matter.
EmergncyAirlines (7:00:35 PM): do you think Kyle David Paul gets pissed off when people clean the machine that he is exercising on, all the while being filmed for MTV’s Boiling Points?
PulseMM (7:01:22 PM): No. But I will tell you for a fact that PK gets pissed off when you … always. He is always pissed off.
EmergncyAirlines (7:03:07 PM): For the longest time I thought PK was Widro because he used a picture of Widro for his avatar on the old staff forums at 411. Say, if you were to match up D’Estroyer with anybody in the world in an effort to create the greatest death match ever, who would it be…?
PulseMM (7:03:25 PM): Hevia. Next.
EmergncyAirlines (7:03:42 PM): any special stips?
PulseMM (7:04:30 PM): Well, you couldn’t allow any Metal, ’cause that would benefit D’errico.
PulseMM (7:05:07 PM): I’d have to say … HAIR vs. HAIR MATCH!
PulseMM (7:05:43 PM): And no women near Hevia. The kid’s insatiable.
EmergncyAirlines (7:06:05 PM): Hevia’s incapable of being satisfied?
PulseMM (7:06:44 PM): No comment.
EmergncyAirlines (7:06:47 PM): Ok, in EXACTLY 4 words, describe what you imagine Gloomchen‘s bedroom to look like…
PulseMM (7:07:12 PM): There are otters everywhere.
EmergncyAirlines (7:09:04 PM): tell my readers something that they never knew about Mathan
PulseMM (7:11:27 PM): he’s been hit by a car http://moodspins.com/index.php?author=44
PulseMM (7:11:34 PM): yet doesn’t drive!
EmergncyAirlines (7:12:09 PM): where was Shawn M. Smith this week?
PulseMM (7:14:11 PM): I can’t say any more than:
PulseMM (7:14:13 PM): [cats ate his face]
EmergncyAirlines (7:16:11 PM): I am going to edit that to make it say, “cats ate his face”
PulseMM (7:16:25 PM): HAHAHAHA
PulseMM (7:16:35 PM): that’s actually really where he was

Fingers’ final Daily Pulse, which ran this week, can be seen here.

NEWS TO USE

Producer/deformed midget Jermaine Dupri told The Associated Press this past week that singer Michael Jackson should stop hiding from the media and flaunt his recent acquittal from child molestation charges. “I was him, I would have gone on TRL immediately and said, “Look, everybody who wanna say something about me, good, y’all could say whatever y’all wanna say, there’s nothing you can say about me at this point, no more than what just happened,” Dupri said. Adding that Jackson shouldn’t be the least bit remorseful and owes no one any apology. “He don’t have to do that, because he didn’t do nothing wrong. Everybody else did something wrong but him. What did he do wrong? Why should he come back and cry?” I think the real story, here however, is that Jermaine Dupri died a few weeks back after cats ate his face, yet somehow he has managed to rise from the grave in order to stick up for Michael Jackson. Next week, Jermaine Dupri will once again rise from the grave, this time doing so in order to stick up for that guy in Arkansas that chopped up his wife and fed her to his neighbor’s dogs.


In other Michael Jackson trial news, juror Eleanor Cook has revealed that she was coerced into voting not-guilty by the other jurors, despite feeling that Jackson was, in fact, guilty. Why am I devoting a cutline to this story instead of making it a full paragraph and staying consistent with my style? I'll tell you why... because I don't take shit from nobody. Not even you, PK.

Daryl Hall, of the pop duo Hall & Oates, has announced that he a ready to start touring again after being forced to cancel some tour dates as a result of contracting Lyme disease a couple of months ago. The 55-year-old singer has been recovering at his home near Los Angeles, and will continue to take antibiotics as he tours. “This illness made it impossible for me to give my best effort to our audience, but now that i’s been identified, I’m looking forward to a complete, quick recovery,” Hall said in a message posted on the Hall & Oates Web site. The duo’s first rescheduled tour date was on Saturday, and it would have gone off without a hitch, had Lil Jon not shown up…

John Mayer is offering an autographed Fender Stratocaster as the grand prize in a contest to help him write music to some lyrics that were intended appear as a song on his latest album, Continuum. Mayer wrote in his monthly Esquire column that the original music that he had written for the lyrics ended up being an instrumental, so he’s offering his fans a chance to “tell people we wrote a song together.” The contest, which will be outlined in the September issue of Esquire, runs through September 30.

Quick Bits

Buena Vista Social Club member/singer Ibrahim Ferrer died Saturday at his home in Havana. Although no official cause of death was released, his friends and colleagues told reporters that he had been suffering from emphysema and was not feeling very well last week.

Blues singer Little Milton (né Milton Campbell) reportedly suffered a stroke on July 27, and according to a close friend, he is currently in a coma at a Memphis area hospital.

Whomever the producer is that is responsible for that damned Crazy Frog “Axel F” cover/remix with what seems to be a chipmunk singing over it, that person should have their entrails torn out and then be hanged with them.

The Good Charlotte twins told reporters for MTV that they’d like to “broaden their musical horizons,” and would really like to collaborate with Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Nine Inch Nails, and Marilyn Manson. This was not a joke.

Melissa Etheridge recently told Extra that after undergoing treatment to remove a cancerous tumor in her breast over the past eight months, she is cancer-free and is considering having a baby sometime in the near future.

Rapper Foxy Brown (né Inga Merchand) recently rejected a plea bargain, vis-à-vis charges of assault, attempted assault and harassment when she allegedly punched and kicked two Manhattan nail salon employees in August 2004 over a dispute in the price of a manicure. According to her lawyer, Merchand refuses to admit guilt as she feels that “she didn’t commit any misdemeanor.”

Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers, got married to his longtime girlfriend, Tana Munblowsky, this past week, in Hawaii.

Marion “Suge” Knight registered a plea of no contest in court on Friday after driving without insurance and making an illegal U-turn in Los Angeles. He paid a $691 fine and then proceeded to beat the shit out of the court stenographer.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

From Gearhead Records…

ANOTHER BIG SALE ALREADY! WHY THE HELL NOT?
Summer means fun, and after all Gearhead is “The Fun Label” ® so why not keep things interesting around here? From now through August 15th all Gearhead LP’s will be a measly $5 and singles are just $2! And you know us, we aren’t just trying to unload some old stock, no sir! We are talking about amazing full length LP’s from The Hives, The Hellacopters, The Wildhearts, Electric Eel Shock, “Demons” The Dragons, Riverboat Gamblers and New Bomb Turks, just to name a few! All the newer 12″ EP’s are on sale for $5 too, like both Rock N Roll Soldiers EP’s (still on colored wax) and the Gitogito Hustler 10″, plus we even put the amazing Riverboat Gamblers / Electric Eel Shock split picture disc on sale for $3. It’s all right here, and you’re welcome!

DOWNLOAD GEARHEAD RECORDS TRACKS FOR FREE AT EMUSIC.COM
That’s right rockers, all month long at Emusic.com they are doing a huge Gearhead Records promotion. Once you sign up, you can download one track from each Gearhead release FOR FREE! And if you are already a member, what can we say except… enjoy!

From Astralwerks…

22-20s – 22-20s
“…a musical assault squad…with an exciting ferocity somewhere between the Yardbirds and White Stripes.” – BOSTON GLOBE

The 22-20s tour rolls on this week as the guys head due West. Some of you may know the band had to miss a couple shows due to illness and the band want to extend deepest regrets to all the fans they missed. Everyone’s back to full strength now and reports from the road say that the band have been delivering some of their best shows yet. We hear there’s even a few choice cover versions thrown into the set that even we haven’t heard! Tickets are available for all shows now but we wouldn’t suggest waiting long. Pick yours up today and check out one of the most awesome live bands you’ll see all summer.

8/04 St. Louis, MO – Duck Room
8/05 Madison, WI – Annex
8/09 Los Angeles, CA – Troubadour
8/10 San Francisco, CA – Café du Nord
8/12 Seattle, WA – Crocodile Café

Meanwhile, you can catch 22-20s performing live on the brand new Internet sitcom Odds Against 7even. The show is an unusually understated, funny and strangely accurate take on college life, complete with unrequited crushes, indie rock, geeky roommates and unavoidable awkward moments. Odds Against 7even is directed by Scott Vincent (best known for some of the most outrageous “Chappelle’s Show” sketches) and features live performances from 22-20s as well as British Sea Power, The Hold Steady and more. The spirited and eclectic cast of up-and-comers delivers a tongue-in-cheek take on campus crises and teenage melodrama. Check it out now at www.oddsagainst7even.com and look for 22-20s tearing the roof off in Episode 3.

ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our Publicity Department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our Publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.

For more info email press@astralwerks.net.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

10cc, “I’m Not in Love”
Pete Yorn, “For Nancy (‘Cos It Already Is)”
Os Mutantes, “Cantor de Mambo”
De/Vision, “Your Hands on My Skin” (Sonnet Shuttle Mx)
New Order, “Confusion” (Pump Panel Reconstruction Mx)
George Michael, “Too Funky”
Gato Barbieri, “Encuentros”
Dr. Dooom, “Leave Me Alone”
Concrete Blonde, “Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)”
Blind Melon, “No Rain”
The Streets, “Sharp Darts”
Crystal Waters, “100% Pure Love”
Q-Tip, “Let’s Ride”
KMFDM, “Anarchy”
Paula, “Als Es Passierte” (Andreas Dorau Mx)
Sir Menelik, “7XL” [f/Grand Puba, Sadat X]
Love and Rockets, “R.I.P. 20 C.”
Yes, “Owner of a Lonely Heart”
Queens of the Stone Age, “The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret”
Billy Idol, “Hot in the City”
Los Amigos Invisibles, “Groupie”
Gipsy Kings, “Hotel California”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

A photographer was shot in the leg outside of a Malibu area home that he was staking out because he thought Britney Spears was inside attending a bridal shower. Brad Diaz was standing at the end of the house’s driveway when he was struck by a BB, sustaining a minor flesh wound. Authorities on the scene said they were not sure where the shot came from, although it was pretty funny to see the guy limping around making a big deal out of it. He even went to the hospital. When asked about the story, R&B singer Aaron Neville referred to Diaz as a “pussy.”

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I like to move it move it.

Cheers
-JF2k5!

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