One… singular sensation.. every little comment we make.
One… obsessive observation.. we ALL know that wrestling is fake.
Okay, enough show tunes. It’s time to get to the greatest show on earth. The Great Egress of the Internet Wrestling Reviewing World. The Bearded Lady. The Freakshow. The big top for the 3-ring circus.
It is..
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight are the following:
Bill – The Bearded Lady
Laura – Returning from a Tour of the Orient (Or North Carolina)
Hernandez – The Dog Faced Goblin Boy
Jenna – The Girl Who Voted Off The Dog
Danielle – The Mergoddess
and ME! – The Grand Ringmaster
Before we get going with Raw, we need to discuss the Rabble Diva contest. As those who are following this knows, today marked the end of ROUND 2! And here are the results:
===WAIT! This just in from the desk of BEN MORSE, Diva Contestant===
(recorded sometime this morning)
From the desk of Benjamin Morse…
When I joined this competition, it was with a smile on my face and stars in my eyes, hopeful to represent the Monday Night Rabble with the poise, dignity and grace I have brought to all walks of my life. But I quickly came to see the dark side of a business I had been led to believe was lined with hugs and sunshine.
I saw grown men prostituting their children for the fleeting joy of internet fame and possible DVDs.
I saw perfectly good sandwiches devoured without a second thought.
And at the eye of this hurricane, a twisted ringmaster named James Hatton, truly the devil himself with the voice of an angel, steering his machinations in directions I know not where.
Thus, it is with a heavy heart and slightly dry throat due to seasonal allergies that I announce my withdrawl from the 2005 Rabble Diva Search.
My actions have nothing, NOTHING to do with the fact that if I were not to withdraw I would have a chance of being eliminated within moments, they are purely moral and borne out of my commitment to the youth of America.
In conclusion, stop reading this report and buy Wizard Magazine, this month featuring a six page preview of Infinite Crisis!
Also, I throw my support to the guy getting press slammed.
Lovingly,
Benjamin ‘Ben’ Morse
Damn I’m good
Wait…is this thing still recording?!
And here are this week’s standings:::
Here is what shall happen for Round 3. The Divas have been given an assignment with the results to be revealed next week. Following those results, votes shall be gathered again to bring us to SUDDEN DEATH.
Make sure to check out the Inside Pulse Forums where most of our Divas have been commenting and handling grassroot campaigns for their chance to win.
If you want to join in the fun, that’s the place to be.
Now though, it’s time to get it on with the show that is part inspiration, and part degradation – Let’s get Rabblin’ !!
Last week – Cena kept his title… duh.
“So Jamie, you going to stop watching wrestling in the Fall?” – Hernandez
“Why?” – Me
“Jericho’s taking some time off, and Triple H will be coming back.” – Hernandez
“With Jericho leaving, that cuts out half the funny things that you can say..” – Me
“I’ll just make fun of you.” – Hernandez
We are live in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
“Those are a lot of signs.” – Bill
“I don’t see one that says ‘Brother Brother Brother'” – Jenna
Tonight Hogan will be face to face with Michaels.
“Brother” – Me
First though, our Olympic Hero! Christie!!!!! Oh, and Eugene. Eugene comes out wearing his Hulkamania shirt because Eugene’s friend is here! It is now though, time for the Eugene invitational!
Kurt looks ripped!
“And damn sexy in his cape.” – Laura
“That’s a cape? Looks like a bib.” – Bill
In enters my roommate.
“Is he still retarded?” – Chris
“Yeah, but Angle’s getting better…” – Bill
Kurt is sick of the Eugene Invitational. They are in Kurt’s hometown, and he even gets a nice pop. The Angle chant is pretty amazing! The Eugene Sucks chant also is fairly amazing!
Kurt tries to reach for some heel heat by insulting Pittsburg, but then kicks Eugene in the ribs to start the time clock.
EUGENE vs. KURT ANGLE
Eugene Invitational
Angle picks up Eugene by the hair, shoving him into the corner and the HUGE European uppercuts and fists to the head. A mean backbreaker for a 2 count from Angle. Eugene fights his way up to his feet and they lock and hold in the corner. In a moment of confusion, Eugene chops the ref – and the ref blames Angle!!!
Kurt charges Eugene and eats a drop toe hold, but Angle immediately gets embarrassed, picks up Eugene and eats a belly to back for 2. Kurt charges Eugene into the corner and it’s time for EUGENE TO TARD UP!
“I think it’s the turnbuckle… they put catnip in it.” – Bill
Kurt gets the belly to back and Christie comes up to the top to cheer on Eugene and talk to the ref. Kurt hits the ropes, over Eugene, and WACK! The ref eats another shot.. and that’s it. Angle is DQ’d!
WINNER BY DQ: EUGENE!
As ANgle is beating down Angle, who comes down.. but Hulk Hogan!
“BROTHER BROTHER BROTHER” – Jenna
Hulk and Kurt meet head to head in the middle of the ring, and Angle bails after eating a couple fists. Hulk helps up Eugene, and they do some Hulk preening together.
“I wonder how long it will be before they run an angle where Hogan starts going senile and one days gets to thinking that Eugene is Macho Man and just goes off on him. ” – Grr_Argh from the forums.
Tonight is also the debut of John Cena’s new video.
“Designated smokebreak time for Jamie?” – Hernandez
And now a special guest! Joining the Rabble for tonight is one of my best friends, ‘Spoon!’
COMMERCIAL
“The Aged vs. The Aged.” – Chris (on a Michaels/Hogan commercial)
Ah, but back in the ring… there ain’t no stopping him now! Here comes Shelton Benjamin. His opponent of course is Glitterboy… Chris Masters!
..wait for it…
…wait for it…
….wait for it…
“You guys didn’t say it!?!” – Me
“What?” – Bill
“Powdered Toast Man!” – Me
“Oh.. just not feeling it.” – Bill
Okay, the match starts – and they fight out a headlock, Masters tossing Benjamin into the ropes. Masters goes for the boot, Shelton catches it and gets a leg screw in response.
Masters on top of the match with elbows to Shelton. Picks him up, and bearhug city. Masters tosses Shelton into the ropes and makes the signal for the Masterlock, which really looks like the sign in ‘Clan of the Cavebear’. He sets up Shelton for it, but before it’s locke din, Shelton rolls him around for a 2 count.
Shelton then starts to get the advantage, hitting a big dropkick to Masters’ knee, a kneelift to his head, a Shelty Splash, and a missle dropkick. All of this only gets two. Shelton picks him up and Masters goes for the Masterlock!
Shelton reverses out of it before it’s in for a sleeper, but a horrible mule kick stops the sleeper – as the ref seems to get hit with that damned kick. Masters hits the full nelson!
“…oh.. wow… he set it in…” – Bill
That’s that.
In the back, hey it’s Todd Gristle with Kurt Angle.
“The next person to be tossed from the WWE..” – Hernandez
“Todd?!” – Me
“Yeah, why not..” – Hernandez
So anyway, Kurt has gotten a match scheduled against Eugene for Summerslam.
“Go figure.” – Danielle
It seems that Kurt could do anything he wants in this match. He could hurt him. He could break his ankle. He could make him retire.
“He could slob his knob.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
“Hey Jamie” – Hernandez
“Yes?” – Me
“What do you think all the retards will do when they find out that Eugene isn’t really retarded?” – Hernandez
“Well, they’ll realize that they too can be repackaged into a better gimmick – maybe an evil dentist, an evil clown, or even an evil plumber!” – Me
More rehash of the HBK Superkick.. because there was one dude in Skokie that hasn’t seen it yet. That guy doesn’t have the internet.
In the back though Boobage McTahtah is talking with Rob ‘The Con’way. He will be facing Viscera tonight. He is apparently 98% fat free. Here comes Viscera though, who admits that Conway looks good..
“This is getting creepy gay.” – Me
Viscera catches a fist from Conway, showing his ninjalike skills, but the bit goes nowhere.. not even the perky attitude of Boobage could save it. Bless the loss of every useful midcarder.
A bit later, we’ll get an interview with Edge and Lita (wearing a neckbrace).
In the back, Edge discusses that HE in fact asked for Hardy to be reinstated.
“This is laaaaame.” – Danielle
What we are going to see at Summerslam, is going to be ‘legalized assault’.
“WWE: Legalized Assault” – Hernandez
“I’m begging I’m pleading, I WANT YOU.” – Edge
It is at this point that we all go ‘ewwwwwww’.
“Acting by Dolph Lundgrin” – Spoon
“..you will leave… in pieces..” – Me
Edge says, quite truly that Matt Hardy should thank him, as he’s never recieved those kind of pops. Now Matt gets to come back and face off against a main eventer. Not a horrible point, really.
“What’s that look Lita’s got in her eyes?” – Spoon
“Uncomfortability” – Dani
“It looks like constipation” – Spoon
“It’s painkillers, lots of painkillers.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Tonight’s Highlight Reel is going to get Eric Bischoff.. interesting.
First though, a crapfest!
Here comes Rob Conway.
“”Who is this?” – Laura
“Robert Conway, they repackaged him..” – Me
“HA! Re’package’d…” – Bill
Oh, and his opponent, Viscera.
“Sexual Chocolate Part II” – Spoon
“He should come down to the ring with a girl and bite off a woman’s head” – Dani
“Like a chocolate bunny?” – Me
“At least he’s not giving birth to a hand…” – Dani
ROB CONWAY vs. VISCERA
Why?
The match begins. They lock up, and Rob tries to hit him, but he gets spun around and chopped badly. Viscera tosses Rob into the ropes, grabs him and gets a SPINNING Bossman Slam. They get back up, and Rob gets a kick to Viscera’s knee and Visc drops and sells the injura.
“I can’t believe they are going to give Conway the win!?” – Me
“I don’t think they are…” – Dani
As Dani says this, Viscera hits the HUGE Samoan drop, and goes for the Kamala-Hump, but Rob elbows out of it. Rob leaps up to the top rope and goes for a flying hit, but Visc catches him with a fist. Rob hits a crossbody, sloppily I might add.. and gets the three. The crowd is bored.
WINNER: ROB CONWAY
“You know that was… Legalized Assault. I’m gonna say that every match.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
Last night on Heat, Stacy got hit by Victoria… heh, funny.
Now though, a mixed six-person tag match.
Stacy, Rosie, Hurricane vs. Heartthrobs & Victoria
Titty Match
“If she really was a superhero, she would have bigger boobs.” – Dani
The match starts with Stacy pushing Victoria! OOooo snap! She brought it.
In the ring as the bell rings is Hurricane and Antonio. Clotheslines from Hurricane gets a 2 count. Hurricane gets pushed into the HeartThrobs corner where he gets a double team and choke from the bad guys team. A headslam to the corner and a tag to Romeo. Double leg sweep and a big elbow from Romeo for a two count.
A chinlock from Antonio is attempted to be reversed. A tag to Antonio and a missed double dropkick, and Hurricane gets the tag to Rosie who clears house. Antonio goes for a sunset flip on Rosie.. and of course gets sat on. The count is stopped by a doubleteam. Super Stacy *cough* distracts the boys, and the good guys go and attack them while Stacy gets slammed by Victoria.
“She’s not much a superhero if she can get slammed like that.” – Dani
In the ring, the Heartthrobs cheapshot Rosie for the pin.
WINNER: HEARTHROBS w/ VICTORIA
In the back, Jericho sporting a ‘Ayatollah of Rock & Rolla’ Shirt is on way out.
COMMERCIAL
“An hour in, and we’ve had three shitty matches.” – Me
“Angle vs. Eugene?” – Hernandez
“I wanted a bit more…” – Me
“They were setting up for Summerslam.” – Hernandez
“DQ ending.. come on!” – Me
As you all can read, not a spectacular show.
In the ring it’s JERICHO!!!
“filler space…” – Hernandez
Jericho pumps up Bischoff a bit and here he comes. Bischoff hopes that we all enjoy the debut of Cena’s new song, “Right Now”
“When are they playing it?” – Hernandez
“Right now?” – Bill
“Stop the Laurel & Hardy bit..” – Me
“It’s Abbott & Costello, you hack.” – Bill
“Wasn’t Right Now a Van Halen song?” – Me
Chris Jericho has a music video for us all. A song by Fozzy which features nothing but him attacking Cena.
“Considering modern metal.. this is passable.” – Spoon
Bischoff orders the ref that saved last week’s match down to the ring. He gets some music and here he comes. They show him the error of his ways.. being a ref and all. Eric slaps the taste out of his mouth, and before he can cry or do anything really.. he gets slapped again.
Bischoff makes him say sorry…
“And.. Master Blaster?” – Spoon
“..fine.. he rules Barter Town.” – Bill
Bischoff makes a match tonight between Sean The Ref, and Chris Jericho. Next?!
COMMERCIAL
Apparently it is.
SEAN PATTON vs. Y2J
Fun.. or whatever..
Match starts and Jericho slaps Patton, but Patton goes and charges Jericho!
Jericho just begins the ‘beating the hell out of’ section of the match.
“Who is the ref?!” – Bill
“The guy in the striped shirt (that being Patton)” – Me
Jericho spins him around, rips off his shirt, while Bischoff watches on as ref. Jericho chokes the hell out of Patton and here comes Carlito. In the ring Y2J just chokes out ref boy.
“This is uncomfortable” – JR
“He said it first..” – Me
Patton gets tossed outside where Carlito beats him up for awhile. In Patton comes, and he eats a spinebuster and the Walls. Patton taps, and Bischoff waits a few seconds to make sure before ringing the bell.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
Finally though, here comes Cena to launch on everyone. He tosses Jericho out and then gives Carlito all the finishers you know and love.
COMMERCIAL
In the backstage, Bischoff gets pissy about Cena charging.. next week is a handicap match of Jericho & Carlito versus Cena.
“Isn’t that what we saw the last two we—” – Bill
“Shhhhh…..” – Me
“But they faced each oth–” – Bill
“Shhhhhhh….” – Me
Here come the divas. I still vote for the first one, the cute one wearing the pleated skirt. We all claim that the black chick is out this round.
“So is this ethnic clensing?” – Bill
At this point we all yell at Bill.. although it was pretty funny.
Oh, and who gets voted off, Krystal.. the black chick.
Earlier tonight, each of the Divas were given 60 seconds to..
“Give the Coach a happy ending.” – Me
516-644-9878. That’s Ashley’s phone number. Ashley gets pied in the face. She gets pissed off.
“Do you think that was the first time she ever got creamed in the face?” – Spoon
Leyla babbles on, and again gets pied in the face. She goes on like a trooper and it shows off her fake eyelashes.
Elisabeth is going to talk smack about people. Blah blah – pie.
“This is like the Jersey hair bakeoff.” – Spoon
Yeah, skip them.. talk about your RABBLE DIVA over on the IP Forums.
COMMERCIAL
(In an attempt to call Ashley’s phone number, circuits are busy. We’ll keep trying.)
Here comes Matt Hardy!
“Who is that?” – Bill
He’s facing… Snitsky…
“The first in the gauntlet!” – Bill
“Baby killer needs food… badly.” – Me
The match starts off and Hardy hits with a HUGE discus punch! Snitsky though won’t relent and grabs Hardy and begins tossing around like a doll. Spinebuster and boots to the gut.
Hardy tries for some retaliation, but gets a clothesline. Snitsky goes for a suplex, holds it high on the vertical and HITS it! Two count. Snitsky chokes Hardy against the ropes, but Matt still tries to fight out – only to get kicked around the ring and bodyslammed SOLID.
Finally Snitsky misses an elbow.
“TURNING POINT!” – Spoon
“KEY POINT IN THE MATCH!” – Hernandez
“When people watch this match in 10 years, they will remember that missed elbow.” – Spoon
Snitsky tosses Matt into the corner, but Matt moves. A flying crossbody from Matt with a missed two. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but it turns into a very sloppy sideslam from Snitsky.
Snitsky tosses Matt into the corner, but Matt leaps out of the way, top rope twist of fate and that is that.
WINNER: MATT HARDY!
Edge comes down to the ring!!
“HEY! WHO IS THAT GUY?!” – Hernandez
Here comes the security, and Bill seems to believe that one of them was Sean Patton!
“He gets the BEST jobs.” – Spoon
COMMERCIAL
(We FINALLY get to Ashley’s cellphone (or whatever it is) and apparently her voicebox is full. Although the name on the voicebox is completely full. I’m smelling prank.)
“You realize it’s just guys heavy breathing on that machine, right?” – Spoon
“Mmmmnnngggggg… NEXT MESSAGE … MMmmmmnngggg … NEXT MESSAGE” – Bill
In the back, Matt is on his way out – he charges Edge’s dressing room, and the fight/screaming match continues.
John Cena’s music video.. and as JR tells us, ‘He had a dream…’
Wow.
The Cena video includes shots of him growing up. Him hanging out at his house. Him beating up on his neighbors.
“It’s like a scene from a Greek Bathhouse.” – Me
In the back, Shawn is on his way out. He’s got concrete face going on.
“Hey he’s leaving the RED hallway.” – Hernandez
“He’s leaving Kane’s dressing room.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Oh, and it’s time for our MAIN EVENT FACE OFF! Good christ, are they doing this just so Triple H can say how much better he makes the show?! I’m almost starting to f*cking believe it!!!! GOD DAMN!
Our announcer for this is Jerry ‘Useless Callout’ Lawler. Shawnyboy comes on out, praying along the way. And then the immortal… the infamous.. the legend..
“Johnny Carson!” – Hernandez
If the signs lie.. and they never do.. it’s also Hogan’s birthday.
The crowd chants in their own special, unintelligible way. Michaels grabs the mic first, interrupting Lawler babbling on. Thank you Michaels. Michaels thanks Hogan for gracing us with his presence.
Lawler, blathers on. His first question is for Shawn about being jealous about Hogan.
“I want to make one thing crystal clear to everyone. There is absolutely nothing about you or your life that I desire. You can’t touch me. You, Hogan, have built a career out of personality and show. I want you to look me in the eyes and understand that at Summerslam, all the personality and show in the world will not amount to a hill’a’beans when you face Shawn Michaels.” – Shawn
“Is this Casablanca.” – Bill
Lawler asks Hogan the next question…
“How do you feel about the war?” – Spoon
“On my feet.. bruther..” – Bill
Before the question is done, Shawn interrupts.
“For the first time, you are dealing with someone that doesn’t sweat you. Not out here. Not back there. I am going to be the first guy that doesn’t buckle under the image of Hogan and Hulkamania. I said it before, what are they going to do.. fire me? They keep bringing me back, do you know how mant times I”ve been FIRED from this company? This company NEEDS the SHOWSTOPPAH!” – Shawn
Lawler asks if Shawn will let Hogan answer the question. Shawn continues to tirade.
“…I don’t care if I have to leave the arena, go to your hotel room, rip out your false teeth…” – Shawn, finally interrupting Shawn.
“HOLD ON BROTHER! YOU HAVE TAKEN THIS TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL, DUDE!!” – Hogan
“Leveltude?” – Spoon
“Level, Dude.” – Me
“Ahh..”
Hogan then refers to all of the cheapshots that Shawn has gone on. Hey, why not call BRET HART. Crowd gets right in on that one.
“It’s better than screwing Owen..” – Spoon
“When you left the WWE for 7 years.. you said you ‘Lost Your Smile’. You pegged me right on the head. For better for worse, I’m here for each and every Hulkamaniac out there, brother. I try to give these Maniacs each and every time they want. If they want me to kick your skinny little ass, then I’m going to kick your ass. So I guess we’re at a crossroads where everyone else in this business has to ask themselves the same question…. ‘WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN THE POWER OF ALL THESE HULKAMANIACS RUNS WILD ON YOU….” – Hogan
Lawler asks… “What are you gonna do?” Dumbass. Shawn does the right thing and superkicks Lawler, then attacks Hogan. Hogan gets the Hulk Up quickly. The Big Boot and the top rope toss….
They stare off and thank GOD they give us a replay of that Lawler superkick before they close out the show. (Good christ they called in this show.)
The End.
What did the Rabble think?
“Blah.” – Hernandez
“Crap.” – Jenna
“I dropped a deuce and watched it swirl around.” – Bill
“Is this after you were playing catcher?” – Hernandez
“I was unable to suspend both disbelief and dis-gayness.” – Spoon
“I’m a Hulkamaniac.” – Laura
Wow, two weeks before the second, supposed most important PPV of the year.. and THIS is what they give us?! Whatever…
See you next week, where the Rabble Divas will RUN WILD ON YOUUUUUUUUuuuu….
