The SmarK RAW Rant – August 8 2005
– Live from Pittsburgh, PA.
– Your hosts are JR, King and Coach.
– And we start out with the Eugene Invitational. Eugene starts with some Hulk worship, and for once Christy is the one to get the conversation back on point. Your challenger this week is a local boy named Kurt Angle, who is from right here in Pittsburgh! And the crowd makes that pretty clear. And then they turn on Eugene for good measure.
– Eugene v. Kurt Angle. Once again, all Angle to start, as Eugene is only get in a couple of comedy spots before the big comeback with 1:00 left. The ref gets bumped and calls for the DQ, however, keeping the medals with Eugene until Summerslam. (Eugene d. Kurt Angle, DQ, 2:30, 1/2*) Angle gets a couple of post-match shots in, but Hulk makes the save and we get some posing. It was funny because Angle was the total babyface and they knew he would be, and having Hogan attack him actually got him BOOED. That was like a WCW type of thing to do, because it didn’t really serve any purpose in the storyline.
– Shelton Benjamin v. Chris Masters. Bit of back-and-forth to start until Masters catches a crossbody attempt and turns it into a powerslam to take over. Bearhug and sleeper slow things down until Shelton comes back and actually gets the crowd into it. A low blow sets up the Masterlock, however, to finish. This was a mess, as Masters looked lost out there and once again showed he’s not ready to progress past the Masterlock challenge as a single yet. (Masters d. Benjamin, Masterlock –> submission, 4:07, 3/4*)
– Meanwhile, Big Vis insults Rob Conway’s manhood, so it’s on tonight. Viscera threatens to rape him because he’s so pretty. You know, as much as I wish they’d use more creative ideas from Oz, I didn’t mean THAT one…
– Meanwhile, Edge claims to have asked for Matt Hardy’s reinstatement, and he’s gonna kill him at Summerslam and stuff. Man, rape and murder in the same show. And then it gets all metatextual, as Edge claims that Matt is riding his coattails into the “main event” because he was fighting Kurt Angle while Matt was defending the Cruiserweight title. Good promo, but probably too much over the heads of common fans.
– Rob Conway v. Viscera. Conway’s theme kind of reminds me of Randy Newman on Family Guy, just sitting there and commenting on everything he sees. Conway takes out the knee early on and works on it. Vis makes a brief comeback by punching Conway during a move off the top, but the knee gives out and Conway falls on top for the pin. (Conway d. Viscera, bodyslam reversed –> pinfall, 2:34, 1/2*)
– Hurricane, Rosey and Stacy v. The Heart Throbs & Victoria. Boy, they’re just not gonna give up on the Heart Throbs, are they? This match has already been done to death with no signs of stopping now. Hurricane has his alternate purple tights tonight, making him look like a Wonder Twin. He quickly gets caught in the heel corner and worked over. Hot tag Rosey as we proceed through the motions and Rosey falls prey to a double STO and gets pinned. The women were never tagged in. (Heart Throbs & Victoria d. Hurricane, Rosey & Stacy, double STO –> pin Rosey, 2:37, 1/2*)
– And now, the Highlight Reel, with special guest Eric Bischoff. Nothing terribly notable as Jericho is going to beat him at Summerslam and we get a video of Jericho beating on Cena last week. Bischoff, however, decides to lay the blame on Carlito not winning the title last week on referee Chad Patton, who ran down last week and made the count. Bischoff slaps him around and forces him to apologize for making the count, and then books him in a match against Jericho.
– Chris Jericho v. Chad Patton. Bischoff is refereeing, just to complete the surreal nature of it. Jericho of course beats the holy hell out of him, and Carlito heads down and helps out. (Jericho d. Patton, Walls of Jericho –> submission, 2:55, DUD) Cena of course makes the save.
– Matt Hardy v. Snitsky. Shouldn’t Matt really be grateful to Snitsky for killing Kane’s unborn baby? Matt attacks to start but walks into a spinebuster to allow Snitsky to take over. That goes on forever as Matt’s heat dies a little bit with each dull minute of this. Finally Snitsky misses a blind charge and Matt finishes with the Twist of Fate. (Matt Hardy d. Snitsky, twist of fate –> pin, 3:36, 1/2*) Well, Matt is now just another midcarder again and it’s all just part of the storyline.
– John Cena’s new video gives me more fast forward material.
– Main event interview: Hulk and Shawn have a face-to-face. Shawn’s tune has now changed from “I want to put on the best performance ever” to “I’m going to SHOOT, brutha, and that’s a shoot”. I did appreciate Shawn slagging him and telling him that he’s not a peer and he’s built his career on personality and show. Normally I’d say that I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments, but this was supposed to be one. Shawn actually turns himself into an anti-hero here, putting himself over with the kind of fire and bluster he hasn’t had since 1997. Hogan is all “Well maybe I should just call up Bret Hart”. Oh, TAG. He accuses Shawn of being selfish (Yo, kettle, dude, this is the pot, just wanted to drop you a line and say you’re black) and then it turns into the usual “Whatcha gonna do” promo from him. Shawn wins that one on points, I’d say.
The Good:
– Well, there was certainly more wrestling this week.
– Shawn’s interview was pretty cool.
The Bad:
– Too bad all the wrestling sucked.
– Matt Hardy’s “dangerous rebel” image is now completely out the window and they can forget about drawing money off the feud.
– The entire first hour was a total waste of time, not really building to anything outside of a Eugene v. Angle match at Summerslam that we knew was coming two weeks ago.
The Inside Pulse:
I’ll probably check out Summerslam for the Hogan-Michaels match as a matter of curiosity, but not much else looks that great for the show. This show didn’t do much to change that, either.
