Stuff I Think and Shouldn't Say: Episode 23: The Angry Lobster

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And…

R.I.P. Ibrahim Ferrer. No joke, this old dude was a legend. Too bad that Peter Jennings got the headlines and this story was overlooked.

And Now, Words of Wisdom…

Lately, New York City is kicking my ass. I wrote a few weeks back about shitty tippers and assholes trying to get a free meal on my watch. Honestly, I didn’t think it was going to be the last time it happened, but I could not have figure it would continue to happen.

Needless to say, outside of a small handful of great tips, I am having a really shitty month. So bad, that I took last week off, as I was thoroughly burnt out and didn’t want to half-ass a column.

At least I have standards. I may be “blogg-ish” or “blog-tastic,” but I won’t put out a half-assed column if I can help it.

Anyway, this month kicked off with a buttload of retarded news. First, I found out that Scott Stapp is a much larger tool than I could have guessed. He got his ass punked by some drunk college kids. That makes for good reading, and in case you didn’t know, a lot of people think “coke makes them sexy.”

Like this chick:

Can’t A Brutha Do The Pee-Pee Dance?

Fergie from Black Eyed Peas pissed her pants on stage. Some people were convinced it was “butt sweat” but these pictures indicate otherwise:

That’s an awful lot of piss. Good thing BEP sold out a while ago, eh? Two years ago, there would have been a press release about that. Now, these f*ckers could drop trough and pinch off a HUGE deuce on a fan’s head, and no one cares.

Myself included.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One!

Two weeks back I checked out the funniest f’n movie I have ever seen in my life:

The Aristocrats.

The movie is a documentary about the dirtiest, raunchiest joke ever told, a handshake, of sorts, between fellow comedians. Simply put, you learned this joke from others who were plying their craft professionally, and your value and respect would increase if you could upstage their version.

Shang told it to me in college. After I fabricated a version on the spot, he made me promise to make a go of stand-up whilst simultaneously pissing his pants.

All I can remember is that my version involved the dog reciting Shakespeare while urinating into the mouth of the matriarch of the family.

Seriously, if you want to hear my version, ask me. I will gladly IM it to you. Just look for BoredStork. That’s me.

Anyhow, the joke is incredibly simple: a family of interchangeable members goes into a talent agency seeking employment. Once the talent agent asks what they do, the joke is up to you. The punchline: The agent asks for the name, the father responds “The Aristocrats!” End of joke.

Frankly, it’s one of the easiest jokes to tell, in that anyone can put their individual spins on it. You want to joke about scat and incest? Easy to do.

You want to make it high-brow humor full of double entendres, this could be your new favorite joke. If you enjoy telling jokes at party, especially incredibly inappropriate ones, than this movie is for you.

I saw it the week it opened, and based on appearances, the crowd was predominantly college-aged and chock full of amateur comedians. So, if it’s playing in your area, go see it. Immediately. Tracy almost threw up she was laughing so hard, and ATP spit popcorn OUT HIS NOSE. That alone is worth going for, right?

Momma Said Knock You Out!

Also, with UFC 54: Boiling Point approaching in a week, I want to see what you all are thinking about this card. Head here and voice your opinion.

My pick: Liddell is going to get revenge and knock Jeremy Horn the f*ck out (KTFO Baby!) After a dismantling of then-champion Randy Couture, Liddell is currently the second-best light-heavyweight in the world. Horn will be a challenge, that’s for sure, but Liddell has shown that he is a warrior.

In case you wanted to know the best fighter in the world:

Wanderlei Silva!

You’ll ALL agree once he’s done destroying the field at the next two Pride PPVs.

Ssquared’s Album of Da Week!

My buddy, Salty, has scored a clutch job here at IP. In fact, doing reviews is what he was born to do.

So, in honor of his debut here on the ‘Pulse, I am going to turn it over to him:

33Hz33Hz

Judging by the simplistic cover art, there was an expectation of something guitar driven and acceptable by the general public.

Good job throwing us off guys.

What we get instead is a 70’s disco/funk/electro-pop feel with lyrics to match; written with a revised digital syntax. 13 tracks littered with deep grooves and bass for klubheads and a potential goldmine for remixers who love to sample the classics. The vocal stylings of Luther Vandross (RIP) meets Barry Gibb meets George Michael meets Tony Toni Tone meets Prince. Just for good measure, a sprinkling of neo-soul is tossed into the mix.

Honestly, this new micro-review format is going to be great, but read the full review, give the band a listen, and shoot Salty some feedback.

Good times abound this summer. Look for more from Salty in the coming weeks.

SITASS NEWS: I Will Punch You in the Ovaries!

Remember kids: Bribery is the most sincere form of flattery here at IP. Buy me this, and YOU TOO could write my column for a week. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

Judge Rules in Favor of CBGB


August 11, 2005

A New York civil court judge said yesterday that CBGB cannot be evicted from its current location, according to AP. Judge Joan Kenney stressed that the landmark club should not be censured for a bookkeeping error, and lauded the club for its positive effects on the once-destitute Bowery neighborhood.

“CBGB has proven itself worthy of being recognized as a landmark,” Kenney said, “a rare achievement for any commercial tenant in the ever diverse and competitive real estate market of New York City.”

Before this ruling in favor of the club, there were several concerts in support of the effort to save CBGB. Blondie, the remaining Ramone, Jessie Malin, Steven Van Zandt, and Ted Leo were among those who performed in CBGB benefit concerts. Muzzy Rosenblatt, a spokesperson for the Bowery Residents’ Committee — the current landlord of CBGB — declined to comment on the ruling because he had yet to see it. “All we’re looking for is a responsible tenant,” Rosenblatt stated.

(credit: Spin.com)

Listen, the place may be the biggest dive on the planet, but it’s a landmark! Frankly, they haven’t put on a good show in years, as there are far too many great venues in NYC. No one plays there for the awesome stage set-up (it’s small) they play CBGB for the history.

Everyone who mattered in the history of rock, played there. Everyone.
Yes, they made a GLARINGLY obvious error in their bookkeeping, but that shouldn’t cost US the great NYC showcase. Fuck, am I glad to see that things are looking up. Maybe one day I can take my kids there, buy them a t-shirt, and listen to some shitty poetry at the weekly readings.

‘WALKING IN MEMPHIS’ singer MARC COHN is recovering after being shot in the head.

The singer was involved in an attempted carjacking as he left a show in Denver, USA, on August 8 and survived despite been hit in the head by a bullet.

“Frankly, I can’t tell you how he survived,” Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson told BBC News after revealing the shell had hit Cohn in the temple but did not enter his skull.

The attacker had attempted to commandeer Cohn’s tour bus after fleeing from police investigating the alleged use of a stolen credit card at a nearby hotel.

Police arrested 26 year-old Joseph W Yacteen in connection with the case following a brief stand off at a nearby house. Officers used tear gas to force the suspect out.

Cohn, 46, charted with ‘Walking In Memphis’ in 1991, and won a Grammy that year as best new artist.

(credit: NME.com)

Wow. A bullet struck his temple and he didn’t die? This dude is Superman. It must be the power of the perm-mullet. Frankly, I had no idea this guy was still touring. Guess we got our answer, eh?

Anyway, best wishes to Marc Cohn on a speedy recovery.

Frankly, Fingers is a huge fan, and without him, Matt would have no idea what to listen on his next vacation.

Then I’m walking in Memphis
Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale
Walking in Memphis
But do I really feel the way I feel

Pop rock genius, I swear. Here’s Fingers response to the news:

BoredStork (that’s me, remember?): did you see that Marc Cohn got shot?
PulseMM: who what when how?
BoredStork: the 8th
BoredStork: in the head
BoredStork: I guess it glanced off of his mullet
PulseMM: marc cohn
PulseMM: wasn’t he on facts of life?

Fantastic…Grammy Winner gets shot, and no one seems to care. Heartless f*ckers.

(Mindy Cohn plays Velma these days, in case you were wondering.)

ACROSS THE NARROWS
PRESENTED BY PLAYSTATION®

OASIS, THE KILLERS, BECK AND THE PIXIES TO EACH HEADLINE ONE OF FOUR SEPARATE CONCERTS IN TWO DAYS OCTOBER 1-2 IN STATEN ISLAND AND CONEY ISLAND BALLPARKS

Oasis, The Killers, Beck and the Pixies are among the acts lined up to inaugurate “ACROSS THE NARROWS PRESENTED BY PLAYSTATION®,” the two-day, four-show modern rock event set for Saturday, October 1 and Sunday, October 2 in Staten Island and Brooklyn’s Coney Island. Created by Ron Delsener Presents, tickets for the two-boroughs event–featuring each artist performing on one of the four separate bills–go on sale Friday, August 12 at 10am ET.

Separated by the Narrows section of New York Bay, the concerts will take place simultaneously each day at waterfront ballparks. In Coney Island, the shows will happen at Keyspan Park, home of the Brooklyn Cyclones, the New York Mets’ minor league baseball team. In Staten Island, the concert will take place at Richmond County Bank Ballpark at St. George, home of the Staten Island Yankees, the New York Yankees’ minor league baseball team.

(credit: AcrosstheNarrows.com)

The QUICKY-FAST News!

brought to you by Strattera

Aqualung, Tracy Bonham and the Perishers will hit the road September 7th in St. Louis. The trek wraps up on October 9th in Detroit.

Disturbed will unveil the cover art for their new album, Ten Thousand Fists, by comic artists Greg Capullo — who created the award-winning CD jacket for Korn’s Follow the Leader — and Todd McFarlane at Spawn.com on August 17th.

Radiohead, Gorillaz, Bloc Party, the Coral and Razorlight are featured on the compilation CD, Help: A Day in the Life, benefiting War Child, the non-profit organization dedicated to helping children affected by war. The album will be available for download at WarChildMusic.com on September 9th.

Toronto garage rockers the Deadly Snakes’ fourth studio album, Porcella, will hit stores on September 27th.

(credit: Rolling Stone.com)

In “The Most AWESOME Bands I KNOW PERSONALLY” News

In lieu of truly awesome things happening, I will instead plug my buddies in Bipolar.

Bipolar is the essence of hard rock music. They inject a healthy dose of originality while adhering to the traditions of blazing guitars, pounding bass, thundering drums, and snarling vocals. This formula has Bipolar poised to revitalize the feeble sounds that have crept onto modern rock radio. Presenting their sound in a high-energy stage show, Bipolar projects a musical prowess that far exceeds their years as professional players.

The foundation of Bipolar began in 2002 in Saratoga, New York when David Tyo, John Durden, and Peter James formed the basis of what would be Bipola’s groove section. This three-piece began writing the rhythm tracks that – coupled with the perfect lead guitarist and vocalist – would be grown to shape the foundation of their debut EP, Disorder. D.C. transplant Jack Simchak came on for a brief stint as lead player while Patrick Michaelis came from Montana to front the band. In May of 2004 Jack was replaced with Saratoga native Mark Petronis, whose playing polished off the perfect sound that Bipolar had sought from the beginning. That May they played their first show together in front of 1200 people in Schenectady, New York and the Albany music scene has not been the same since.

Each member of Bipolar draws from their varying influences in order to shape a sound that is familiar to the hard rock listener, yet unique in its performance and delivery. Mixing the obvious elements of hard rock and metal, with the not so obvious and subtle components of pop, jazz, and classical music, Bipolar creates a sound that is accessible to every fan of modern rock. The music is a brooding mix of clean and distorted sounds coupled with lyrics that can at times be as dark as they are uplifting. These unstable colors combine together and make up the sound of Bipolar.

Although Bipola’s history is short, it is rich. They are proud of the accomplishments they have achieved in only a few short months. They’ve played gigs with various national acts touring through upstate New York such as Lo Pro, Sevenwiser, and rock radio heavyweights Shinedown. In only 2 months their 7-track EP Disorder was recorded, mixed, mastered, and duplicated. On August 14th, Bipolar released their CD to the masses with a successful CD Release Party at one of Albany’s most popular venues, Northern Lights. The band has been interviewed numerous times on live radio throughout the upstate New York region. Several releases from the EP have been played regularly on the most popular FM rock stations in the area.

It is nothing less than a miracle that these musicians from across the United States have come together to bring hard rock back to what it should be. With every crowd they wow, and every new set of ears that absorbs their EP, the word is spreading – and it’s spreading like wildfire.

(credit: BipolarMusic.com)

These guys are phenomenal live, so check them out when they are in your area.

That’s it for this week, guys. I need to shower and go serve some breadsticks and soup…you know, the Widro special.

If someone you know and love tells you that my column sucks, remember, “f*ck ’em if they can’t take a joke!”

Keep it real!

Ssquared

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