But, Before We Begin…
“And I don’t have ‘material’. Who do you think I am? Some b-rate comedian busting out his schtick?”
-from KDP’s always insightful Let’s Rave On column. Dude, Jeff Fernandez is so going to kick your ass for that obvious dig at…hey, wait a minute…
Welcome back to The Bootleg. OK, so earlier this year Mrs. Bootleg’s aunt passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. The immediate aftermath of this event was captured here. If you missed it the first time around, give it a read…if, for nothing else, my take on what it was like to sleep in a walk-in closet for a week and a smack ’em, whack ’em moment with my mother-in-law.
In the months that followed, our family picked up the pieces and took the necessary steps to settling the Aunt’s affairs. The last step in the process involved her car and, more specifically, how to get it from Sacramento to San Diego. On a related note, kids, here’s a quick word of advice: never volunteer for anything.
So, at 10:45 AM last Friday, I arrived at the capital of California.
I had never been to Sacramento in the summer…and, now I know why. For God’s sake, it was 112 degrees. (And, for the benefit of those of you reading this outside America: For God’s sake, it was 45 degrees Celsius). And, much to my surprise, there were actually people walking around…outside.
Birds were just randomly catching fire and falling from the sky, yet there were still seemingly clear-thinking people who were willingly outside.
And, by the way…Hell has a home team. After taking the car to the dealership for a diagnostic, it was obvious that I needed to see if there was more to this city than the three hours spent in the waiting room at Niello Acura.
Of course, I did leave briefly for lunch. I made it about half a block up the street on foot, before deciding that Panda Express was…well, it was the first restaurant I saw, before my fountain of forehead sweat made its way into my eyes…mixing with my contact lenses to form quite the salty brine.
The ballgame started at 7:05 PM and it was still 98 degrees. Although, it was made more manageable only because The Cats were hosting the Albuquerque Isotopes. I shouldn’t have to explain why. Should I?
At 5:30 AM, the following morning, I made my way back to San Diego. By the way, if any of you ever want to actually drive 200 years into the past, why not take a trip through scenic Central California?
I stopped at a McDonald’s (where they did have the McGriddle Extra Value Meal I couldn’t get in San Diego!) and sat amongst a phalanx of filthy farm hands. And, it was good to see that these good ol’ boys brought their own horseflies into the eatery. For those of you who think Mickey D’s can’t get any grosser, try hurrying down your hash browns before a translucent, tri-color airborne bug descends upon you for the fourth time.
Later, I stopped to fill up at a gas station that was next to a restaurant called “Star of India”. Indian food? Hey, this was probably as close to “culture” as the ass crack of Central Cali was ever going to get. Oh…wait, I stand corrected. Next to the restaurant was a gun shop, with a hand-scrawled sign in the window that said, “Americans Preferred”. I am not making this up.
And, who wants to bet that I’m not exactly the kind of “American” that these people “prefer”. I’ve seen the climactic scenes of Pulp Fiction enough times to know that Ving Rhames’ career is still walking with a slight limp and occasional rectal bleeding. So, I hurried outta there and back to civilization, as I was home (sweet home) by the late afternoon.
Besides, after Pulp Fiction and Die Hard 3, what were the odds that Bruce Willis could rescue the random Negro-in-Need three times in 10 years?
The Goodness doesn’t even want to know…
Sexual Assault Was The Case That They Lost…
Make-up artist and aspiring multi-millionaire, Kylie Bell, has dropped her lawsuit against rapper Snoop Dogg this week. The D-O-double G was accused, along with members of his entourage, of incapacitating Bell by lacing her glass of champagne with a derivative of the date-rape drug, GHB.
The drink, known in some circles as a “Shot of Sebastian Janikowski“, allegedly rung Kylie’s bell to the point where she was raped by Snoop and others in his group who were backstage in his dressing room during the first week of tapings for ABC’s post-Ted Koppel crapfest called Jimmy Kimmel Live.
In fact, ABC and Kimmel were also named as defendants in the suit, which was withdrawn “with prejudice” and cannot be re-filed.
Well, it was quite the week for Kimmel, wasn’t it? Within about 24 hours, he finds out that he’s not going to have to take the stand in his own defense, while accounting for the whereabouts of his wandering right eye (“If you find it, let me know!”) and it was announced that Kimmel will be cross-promoting his mix of middle-aged white guy awkwardness with his sad attempts to be funny and hip on ESPN’s Monday Night Football, which debuts in 2006.
Kimmel will perform what’s being described as a “mini-monologue” at halftime. Wow. Bad stand-up comedy in the middle of an athletic event. Does every Sportscenter anchor know their gimmicks are being stolen? Has ESPN learned nothing from this guy or this guy?
Joy Luck Thugs, The Epilogue
Amazonian Asian trophy wife, Kimora Lee Simmons has pled guilty to careless driving, closing a case from July 2004. Simmons, who is the wife of music mogul/kids-size male model, Russell Simmons, allegedly ignored a police officer attempting to pull her over in Jersey.
Kimora drove all the way home, with the police in low-speed pursuit the entire time. She’ll have to serve six months probation and enter an intervention program for non-violent first time offenders. Thanks to our friends over at The Smoking Gun, you can view Kimora’s mug shot here.
Couple of things…it’s always entertaining to see celebrities (yeah, I know…but, in this case, let’s say it, anyway…) flash that “I can buy and sell all of you” smile. I’m taking “two minutes” in the pool to determine how fast she asked, “Do you know who I am?” to the arresting officer.
Still, I’m assuming she was hoping to get home to her hair and make-up posse before the police could pull her over. I’m not sure what’s less attractive in her mug shot: the dangling bangs with the “break” in the middle not seen since Jim Carrey did it better in Dumb & Dumber or the newly-developing neck rolls made famous by Florida Evans on Good Times.
I Can Still See You…Please, Make it Stop
G-Unit affiliates Lloyd Banks and Young Buck were arrested last Monday and charged with a variety of weapons offenses in connection with a routine traffic stop of the group’s tour bus, which was en route to the next stop on the Anger Management Tour.
Officers reportedly found a loaded .40 caliber and .357 handguns on the person of one of the tour bus’ 11 passengers and subsequently charged everyone on board. The next sound you hear will be dozens of self-righteous Internet writers scaling their high horses, offering up this item as “Exhibit A” in the downfall of music, society and (oh, the) humanity.
Hell, Banks and Buck weren’t exactly the winners in the “worst week by a brutha” battle. Have you been following the Terrell Owens Adventure?
Even if you hate sports, I implore you to turn on ESPN or ESPN News, right now. If it’s still Friday, they’ll be running Thursday’s “in-depth” interview with Owens and his agent all day. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, absolutely exudes ooze, but in the interview, he’s wearing the baggiest pair of jeans you’ll ever see. Think MC Hammer’s attire, mixed with acid washed denim on an acid trip of its own.
My words can’t do this justice, people. It’s the absolute worst white guy fashion clash since John Cena debuted his denim shorts/Reebok Pumps ensemble. Oh, and speaking of 1991, did you catch Cena’s new video for his Right Now single yet? I liked it more 14 years ago, when it was called Summertime.
And, back then, the second-billing sidekick didn’t have more mic time the lead…(chuckle)…rapper.
Remember, I Hated Him First, but, You’ll All be on the Bandwagon, Soon
Kanye West was honored at the Nation of Islam headquarters in his hometown of Chicago, where he was presented with the Million Man March Image Award. It’s uncertain whether or not only 200,000 people showed up to present it to him. Trust me, that was funny 10 years ago.
And, speaking of which, the award is being issued to commemorate the 10 year anniversary of the Million Man March on Washington D.C. West is being honored for his work with at-risk kids through his self-named (natch) charitable outfit. The whole award event was pretty much contrived to create a buzz for this fall’s “Million More Movement”.
Now, since I ignored all the renewal notices for my Final Call subscription (“If you don’t renew now, then the white man has won!”), it appears I missed out on this one.
On October 15, African-American men are expected to come together…again. And, stand united in the struggle as brothers…again. And…ah hell, it’s pretty much like reading one of Mathan’s columns out loud, except with more from Minister Farrakhan and much less militancy.
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
On again, off again Jay-Z associate, Foxy Brown has rejected a plea agreement that would’ve prevented her from going to jail on assault charges. Brown (Inga Marchand) is accused of kicking and punching two employees at a nail salon after an argument for payment over a manicure and pedicure.
The deal would’ve had Brown serving 80 hours of community service and the charges would have been reduced to low level misdemeanors. The Manhattan (NY) District Attorney has stated that this will be the last deal offered, however it’s believed that both sides will be meeting again before the start of the trial.
Well, if back-to-back-to-back episodes of Law & Order every weeknight on TNT has taught me nothing else, it’s that Foxy Brown shouldn’t be jerking Jack McCoy around. He sends everyone to jail and is responsible for about three-quarters of the cast of Oz.
Hell, even the show’s African-American characters can’t escape a tragic fate. Detective Green was shot and left for dead last season, while Lieutenant Anita Van Buren has been given fewer lines than Ernie Hudson’s “Winston Zedmore” character in Ghostbusters I & II.
Get the deal done, Foxy. Just get it done.
Fernandez heralds the return of Warren Woo (Fridays, starting this afternoon…uh oh!) and spends 60 minutes in IM with IP Music Editor Matthew Michael. Watch him not be funny and go on and on about nothing. It’s like reading any thread in our super-secret staff forum involving the new review rating scale that’s getting shoved down your throats, dear reader.
Mathan goes nuts…over the Beatnuts! He’s got a history of the group, with a “best of” mixtape listing thrown in for good measure. And, check out his links segment as he beautifully butchers KDP’s name and initials. Who else but Mathan?!
Gloomchen was pimping the new Inside Pulse about two days before we launched. She’s inside Widro’s head, I tell ya. Summer enjoys karaoke and 25-inch jobbies, so applicants can line up, at will. Hold on, IP Sports Zone guys…there’s a separate line for you guys.
Shawn M. S. has Matthew Michael in his column, too. Christ, MM, get a girlfriend. Shawn also quotes Anchorman and spends way too much time writing like he’s on a blog or Live Journal or something. Doesn’t he realize that our readers want more music in IP music columns? (For maximum effect, read those words in this voice.)
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. He’s talking Pussy…cat Dolls and Peter…Jennings. Hmm, one of those worked better than the other. He also needs your help in finding out who Ciara is and pitches a new version of Survivor that’s funny, but not as funny as the one that Joe and I will debut for The Bootleg in another week or two.
And, if anyone still doubts Joe’s readability (HA!), you should know that he’s the first talented 411/IP alumnus to actually graduate to a real writing gig. Tell me again why we didn’t steal him for IP last August? While you’re wondering, here’s his debut for The Film Experience.
A is for me.
M is TV Mathan. He promises to reveal his IM screen name for everyone this week, but in the meantime, you can still enjoy his anonymous unreachability while he battles Bronson Pinchot (and no shows). Although, as you read this, his latest should be up. It features a cameo by That Bootleg Guy, but read it anyway.
Confidential to my colleagues: If you’re ever fiendin’ for feedback, just post a picture of your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend, like I did last week…
Mrs. Bootleg is pretty nice, but I’m still not sure how you ended up with an attractive, educated, strong willed woman. I guess the good thing is that Jalen seems to take after her, but do I detect your ginormous forehead has been passed down to Baby Bootleg? Let us all pray he grows into it…S.L.
So, that’s the elusive Mrs. Bootleg? Based on your descriptions, I expected a miniature Monique. Dude, does she know how much sh*t you talk about her? If she ever finds out, just tell her that there’s a white man in Missouri who would take her out for a nice seafood dinner and I would call her again…J.C.
Well, whaddaya know…Mrs. Cameron is actually…cute! I’m thinking she could even convert Cuba Gooding, Jr., if you know what I mean…Unsigned
Well, I know what you mean, but I eagerly await the onslaught of emails that begin, “I didn’t know Cuba Gooding was gay!”.
Dude, your head really does jut out in the back like E.T. I guess it finally took a profile shot of you to get the actual imagery. You are not an attractive man and you’re even more frightening than your cat with no nose. Still loving the Goodness, though…unsigned
Longtime IP reader, but new to the Bootleg. Just wanted to give it up to Nick for his mixtape feature. I went through all five parts this morning and I found some sh*t on there that I haven’t heard in years. Thanks for putting the spotlight on my favorite Hip Hop era. Since those columns ran last year, have you guys done anything similar since then or are you planning anything like that down the line?…Eric
The short answer is check the archives. The long answer is…I think so. Nick and I chopped up Entertainment Weekly’s list of the greatest Hip Hop albums of all time. You can catch up on that here. We covered the best and worst in rap for 2004 right here. And, Nick has written several reviews of recently released albums, to boot.
As always, if you have any praise for Big Nick’a, you can shoot him an email.
You suck and you’re not funny…Unsigned
Maybe so, but you’re ugly and I can lose, wait…that doesn’t really work here. No, you suck.
It’s the NEW Inside Pulse! Tell me what you really think of it on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13!