This is another one of those blow-off type of columns. Let’s face it, it’s a Major Weekend, even if it’s only the PGA, so my mind is at Baltusrol rather than on Smackdown or Impact. As I start this, TV coverage of Round Two hasn’t begun yet, and the big question on my mind isn’t regarding SummerSlam, but whether Tigger can rebound and make the cut. Besides, I’m still not recovered from the sheer stupidity of Raw. I’ll try to banish a little of that with a little Dungeon Siege 2 while not watching golf. In any case, I’m not really mentally prepared for this crap, so bear with me.
Let’s move it…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Booker T over Joey Mercury (Pinfall, scissors kick): If they’re going to continue this particular feud, the one thing they must, and I mean must, do is move heaven and earth to try to get Nancy Benoit involved. She’s been very resistant about getting on the roller coaster again, admittedly, but her presence is needed. When I mentioned this to Flea, he kept going on about her not being as much of a looker as she was, but I don’t really care about that per se. She’s needed more for her ring presence than her looks. She was one of the best valets of the 80s and 90s. She could really do a fantastic job in teaching these new girls how to behave around the ring, not to mention give Paisley a refresher course (she’s really becoming annoying). So get her in there, guys. If MNM can have two chicks coming out with them, certainly Booker and Benoit deserve that much.
An incredulous Booker wonders why Mercury’s trying to hit him
The Legion of Dumb over Scotty Saber and Jason Studdick (Pinfall, Animal pins Studdick, Doomsday Device): Two improvements this week: 1) The opponents were identifiable and 2) Heidenreich is getting away from the “I’m Definitely Going To Kill Someone” level with the clothesline part of the Doomsday Device. Hey, accentuate the positive, especially in this walking sea of negative that is the Animal/Heidenreich experiment.
You’ll believe an Animal can fly…or at least elevate himself a few feet
Randy Orton versus Kamala (ND, UT-ference-by-proxy): I’m sure that when Steve Lombardi went to “creative” and asked for a little screen time, this isn’t what he meant.
You know, a long time ago (like, back at The Smarks), I made a case that Steph’s “ideal WWE” was the period between 1991 and 1995. Now consider what’s happened recently. Hogan coming back (even if it is to pimp his reality show). The renewed push for Viscera. Jannetty coming back. Tatanka coming back. Now Kamala. She and her little chimps backstage are starting to push this philosophy straight into our faces. This is really, really disturbing.
Orton can’t disguise that “This is so f*cked up” expression
Super Crazy and Psicosis over Mister Regal and Scotty Go Potty (Pinfall, Psicosis pins Scotty, leg drop): Well, a feud against Taylor is something for Regal to do until his new partner shows up from OVW, I guess. It’ll at least take Epilepsy out on a high note, so to speak. I just feel sorry for Regal. He deserves so much better than this.
Regal realizes he has too much dignity to be tagging with Scotty
Chris Benoit over Simon Dean (Submission, crossface): All I could think about during this squash was the mextatextual relations between Mike Bucci’s character and Dean Malenko. That really made me want to see a Benoit/Malenko match really, really badly. By the end of the match, though, I was willing to settle for a replay of the Orton/Kamala match from earlier.
It’s always wonderful to see Benoit beating the crap out of someone
DAVE over Christian, Non-Title Match (DQ, High-Quality Speaker Boy-ference): What was this supposed to be? A comedy match? A squash? I’m pretty sure that Batista expected Christian to set the tone for the match, but Christian was too confused to come up with something good. Christian was definitely off his game here, and the match suffered greatly because of it. This, folks, is another justification for “creative” to keep Christian at the upper-mid-card instead of giving him his final push to the top. He can’t keep cutting his throat in this way.
Christian, who scouted Batista very well, knows how ticklish the big man’s nipples are
Angle Developments:
Pop Your Quarters In: Two things about the Peep Show:
1) Christian has more furniture in the ring than I have in my living room, and he uses it less.
2) Separated from Trip, Batista looks and acts like he’s finally having fun being champion. This is the same kind of vibe that made High-Quality Speaker Boy acceptable during his title reign. This doesn’t mean that those two are going to pull out a five-snowflake job at SummerSlam (on the contrary), but the attitude is infectious. Batista knows that and is having a great time playing along with it. For those bitching and moaning how they could make a 39-year-old guy who can’t move champion, well, it’s only maturity that gives one the poise to do something like this. Therefore, slack is cut.
DAVE does his James Brown impersonation
Breaking The Logic Of Law: I wish Hevia could come back for this one. Child custody matters are handled by states. Eddy Guerrero is a resident of Texas. Dominic Mysterio is a resident of California. Wouldn’t Eddy have to file in one of those two states for legal custody (more specifically in California)? Not in Ohio? You know, if this angle even veered slightly toward realism, it’d be more powerful than it is. Despite the dubious (okay, nonexistent) legality, the social worker was absolutely right. On one side, you have a violent egomaniac. On the other, you have a guy who wears an S&M mask in public. Would you want any kid to have that choice?
What a touching little tableau
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
As usual, the cap’s too awful for me to do screen caps for you. For PPV reasons, they uploaded this one on Wednesday. I don’t mind that, but I didn’t find out about it until Friday, otherwise I would have got a jump on this column. Yech.
Match Results:
Shawn’s Cousin over Shark Boy (Pinfall, superkick): Ah, wrestling match as aperitif. Short, sweet, non-offensive, and demonstrating nothing of either competitor’s true talents. Next.
A. J. Styles over Petey Williams, Super X Cup Tournament Semi-Finals (Pinfall, rollup): Yes, they kept the interference to a relative minimum. However, I would have preferred the interference to be kept to absolute zero when it comes to these guys. Great match nonetheless, just like you’d expect from them. However, what you’d really expect from them is twenty on a PPV with all the stops pulled out, preferably for the X Division title. Not ten minutes to see who gets fed to Samoa Joe on Sunday.
Monty Brown over Elix Skipper (Pinfall, Pounce): What the hell are they doing using Elix Skipper for jobber duty? Are they that hard up to try to figure out something for him to do? Or are they waiting for an opportunity for Daniels to drop the title (most obviously to Joe) so that they can connive some kind of reunion for Triple X? I’d be more pissed off about the treatment of Skipper if it wasn’t for the fact that they’ve treated Brown a helluva lot worse. At the beginning of the year, the entire IWC firmly believed that by now, Brown would have the world title. So what’s he doing? Fucking around with the teasy-weasy New Age Outlaws reunion. Oh, God, just pull the trigger on that one so we can get back to having Monty Brown Unleashed.
Simon Diamond and David Young over Chris Harris and James Storm (Pinfall, Young pins Storm (?!), Spinebuster): Wait a minute…let me check that…David Young gets the pin against AMW…yep, that’s right. What the f*cking f*ck? What’s the purpose of this? Push David Young? Weaken AMW in order to make their next title match a contest against internal adversity? Loading something as mind-f*ckingly disturbing as this on an audience right before a PPV is cruelty. Jesus…
Konnan and Ron Killing over Jerelle Clark and Mikey Batts (Pinfall, Konnan pins Clark, powerbomb): Remember, once upon a time, when Clark and Batts were getting a major tag push? Remember when they were actually considered contenders to the tag belts? Now they’re getting squashed by 3 Live Kru in what essentially was an angle advancement match. Fucking wonderful. Sucks to be them, huh?
Rhiyno over Chris Sabin (Pinfall, Goar Goar Goar): Rhiyno did his stuff, Sabin did his stuff, nobody was offended. In fact, they worked pretty well together. Maybe the charges about Vince underestimating Rhiyno are true. Let’s see what TNA does with him after this. I smell Abyss in his future, for some reason.
Angle Developments:
Nothing, really, since everything was pretty much set for Sacrifice, except for the eight-man which was added. And that’s more of an angle being created than one being developed.
I’ll be back for the Sacrifice round table this weekend, then in on Tuesday for my official first Tuesday V2 column. Until then, have a good one and watch golf.
