(Credit: www.impawards.com)
Director:
Mike Bigelow
Starring:
Rob Schneider……….Deuce Bigalow
Eddie Griffin……….T.J. Hicks
Jeroen Krabbe……….Det. Gaspar
Til Schweiger……….Heinz Hummer
Hanna Verboom……….Eva
Columbia Pictures presents Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Written by Harris Goldberg, Rob Schneider, David Garrett and Jason Ward. Running time: 75 minutes. Rated R (for pervasive strong crude and sexual humor, language, nudity, and drug content).
This just in, “Man whores are being killed in Europe! Film at eleven.” OK, there’s the movie’s plot in a nutshell. Someone is killing the male prostitutes in Amsterdam and neighboring European countries; and only Deuce Bigalow can find the killer. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is rolling over in his grave.
That’s right, after a six-year absence Deuce Bigalow is back on the big screen. And he’s bigger…ahem, smaller than ever. He’s been away from the “prosti-dude business” for a long time. Months after his wife died in an unfortunate shark attack, he gets a call from his old pimp T.J. (Eddie Griffin) to visit him in Amsterdam. T.J. wants Deuce to be his guest at the annual Man-Whore Awards where the top prize is not an Oscar, but a Golden Boner.
Arriving in Amsterdam, Deuce strolls down the streets and encounters a brothel with women posing in sexy lingerie; a young woman scrubbing storefront windows wearing a small white T-shirt; and a middle-aged woman professing her love of America’s liberating of Iraq. Subsequent to her remarks, she is struck in the head with a brick.
Boarding T.J.’s seagoing vessel “Da Pimp of the Sea,” T.J. tells Deuce that business is dried up. Not even Viagra can solve this quandary. A serial killer is murdering gigolos, and T.J. wants Deuce to act as bait to lure the killer. Rob Schneider as “bait” just doesn’t sound right, especially, when you compare his physique to someone like Assapopulos, a male prostitute from Greece.
When the original Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was produced, it was with Touchstone Pictures. Next to Michael Eisner’s departure from the Mickey Mouse house, this is the wisest decision the Walt Disney Company has ever made.
For his investigation Deuce Bigalow: Private (thank God) Dick walks around in diapers for a giantess and goes to dinner with a woman with a laryngectomy and a neck vent. Just see what happens when she drinks red wine. Oh, and he encounters a woman with male genitalia for a nose. Granted, it’s covered up, but you get the idea. This is not humorous in any way. The only people who would find this amusing are thirteen-year olds or those wigged out on marijuana.
Through his investigative prowess, Deuce learns that the killer is most likely a female who wears a leopard-skinned coat and leaves a lipstick kiss as her calling card. Wow, not bad for a guy who divides his time cleaning fish tanks and servicing women.
Honestly, is this really a movie you would pay to see? Consider the brain trust behind this abomination. The film has six producers, including Adam Sandler, and four writers. It’s not always the case, but when a film has more than two writers, you’re asking for trouble. Unlike Adam Sandler, whose movies appeal to the middle schooler in most of us, Rob Schneider seems stuck in 1997. His lowbrow humor – the typical penis and fart jokes – are stale and unoriginal. And let’s not forget the overused sex metaphors like the “Portuguese Breakfast, ” “Turkish Snow-Cone” or “Filthy Ramirez.”
Consider the Farrelly brothers (Fever Pitch, Stuck On You). They get lambasted for making fun of disabilities in their films. This is not the case. Ever since Shallow Hal, it seems they are promoting awareness for everyone who’s picked on, beat up or made fun of. When Deuce takes the male-genitalia-for-a-nose woman to a plastic surgery office, she walks out with breast augmentations. Wonder what the morale to this story is? Stare at my chest and not at my face?
It’s not unusual to splurge off your friends, but in Rob Schneider’s case he’s overstepping his bounds. Sure, it’s a neat idea to cast your friends in movies – Kevin Smith, Adam Sandler, and the Frat Pack (Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Luke and Owen Wilson, and Jack Black) can attest to this. But to think you can have a movie career because you said the phrase, “You can do it!” is just naïve.
