Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic

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In last week’s column, I mentioned that several dependable, capable wrestlers were recently released by the WWE, while some older grapplers have made their return.

TODAY’S ISSUE: WWE Roster Decisions, v2.5

For the record, I have no problem bringing back legends to television every now and again. I like nostalgia pops, and I appreciate aging veterans getting an opportunity to enter the spotlight once again. I simply maintain that they should not be used in primary programs. They certainly shouldn’t win championships while young, healthy wrestlers work idiotic programs or worse, get their release from the company.

To say I’m a huge Bret “The Hitman” Hart fan is putting things lightly. He is my favorite wrestler of all time, bar none. During the Iron Man Match at WrestleMania XII, I was SO angry when then-WWF President Gorilla Monsoon announced the bogus “sudden death overtime” after the 60 minutes had expired. You could read Bret’s lips from the aisle as he shouted, “why?” and I shouted it right along with him. At SummerSlam ’97, Bret risked his US wrestling career as a stipulation in a world title match with The Undertaker. I swore to quit watching wrestling if he lost and was removed from WWF television. Montreal was one of the darkest days in wrestling, which was directly followed by WCW’s complete burial and waste of The Hitman character. Ironically representative of Bret’s stint in WCW was Goldberg’s mistimed kick to the face, causing the concussion that was the final nail in the coffin of Bret Hart’s wrestling career. I’ve wished for a return to glory for Bret, and an opportunity for him to get a proper send off from his loyal WWF/E fans for whom he labored for 14 years. Bret gave us his heart and soul every time he laced up his pink and black boots.

As much as I would love to see him return to action, I still recognize that his days as an active wrestler are over. He is not physically able to take on any sort of in-ring schedule, especially considering he suffered a stroke a few years ago.

Now it seems he’s mending fences with Vince and may find his way back to WWE television. If that happens, nobody will be more delighted than me to see Bret return. There are many mutual advantages in a WWE return by The Hitman. WWE gets to look like the gracious company that produced an honored warrior and “gave him back” to the wrestling world. The fans, of course, get to bask in the glory of “the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be” once again. Bret gets to add a touch of class and quality to the current pro wrestling era, and take a final, well-deserved bow.

Of course, the most important thing involved in a business decision is profit. Bret would no doubt ensure income from the proposed DVD set chronicling his career. If everyone plays nice together, Bret might even get Vince to publish his 3-volume autobiography under the WWE banner. Of course, Vince would make money from Hart’s name and appeal, and if he wanted, he could have Bret manage/mentor a young wrestler or stable in a big-money angle. Maybe even a Hart Stable versus an HBK Stable? Now that angle would have the company’s new worked shoot approach written all over it.

Speaking of Bret and HBK, how surreal was it to hear Hulk Hogan play the “you screwed Bret” card on Shawn Michaels last week on Raw? Obviously, Michaels was involved in the infamous Montreal double-cross. However, and I’m not defending Michaels, at least he was following instructions from his boss. Some could argue that there was a reasonable explanation to screw Bret at Survivor Series 1997 (Vince didn’t want his WWF Champion to jump to WCW early and trash the belt and/or the company on Nitro). When Hogan screwed Bret by refusing to pass the torch at SummerSlam 1993, which was the original plan, he was acting on his own for purely selfish reasons. So rather than anointing Bret as the next great champion and doing something good for the industry in the process, Hogan took his egomaniacal red and yellow ball and went home. What a guy.

OK, off my soap box and back on point:

In another case digging up a fossil and thrusting him into a prominent position, I don’t see how Kamala’s appearance on SmackDown helped to advance the Undertaker vs. Randy Orton feud. In fact, I thought it was embarrassing that Orton had to struggle as much as he did to defeat the Ugandan Giant. Kamala was out of shape and barely able to move. However, as overweight and immobile as Kamala was, he still managed to put up a fight against a young stud who just happens to be one year removed from being World Heavyweight Champion. Once again, the bookers made it very difficult for me to suspend my disbelief.

Eugene. Of course he’s not a fossil like Kamala, but bringing him back to television recently had the same effect, in my opinion. He’s a talented performer, and I give him credit for following orders and playing the part to the best of his ability, but this character has run his course.

For continuity’s sake, there was little or no mention of who put him out for months of recovery from a severe injury. He walked right in and “won” Kurt Angle’s gold medals, and now he’s in a prominent position on Raw every week with the vivacious Christy Hemme as his valet. If he doesn’t lose to Angle at SummerSlam, we’re in for a few more weeks of the Eugene Invitational Challenge, and that can only mean one thing: dusting off even more “legends” for him to face in the ring. Oh, joy.

While I hate the Eugene gimmick, I do like Nick Dinsmore the wrestler, so please allow me to fantasy-book for a moment:

I suggest Kurt Angle destroys Eugene at SummerSlam and after causing Eugene to tap out to the ankle lock, Angle continues to inflict punishment. He injures Eugene so badly that the character never comes back. The next night on Raw, Angle is reveling in his victory with another gold medal ceremony like the one he did in 2001 that was interrupted by Shane-O-Mac. Dinsmore, sporting a shave and a haircut, could debut as Nick Dinsmore, Eugene’s non-mentally challenged brother or cousin. Of course Dinsmore would be seeking revenge on Angle for unnecessarily injuring Eugene. This character would be a strong babyface simply by the righteousness of his cause. He’d have solid motivation, and a hot insta-feud with Angle that could run for several weeks. I can even imagine Dinsmore alienating Christy when she offers her condolences. This new character would be very focused. He doesn’t want friends, and he doesn’t seek championships. He simply wants to damage Kurt Angle. He wants to injure Angle and put him in the shelf, just as Angle did to Eugene. I’d have to assume that Nick Dinsmore would enjoy playing a serious character like that on television every week instead of the Eugene character.

Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, Reggie Jackson, Joe Montana, Wayne Gretsky. They all reached a point where they stepped down from active competition and did other things for their sport. I think pro wrestling legends should do the same. I realize it’s the writers and promoters who bring back legendary wrestlers, and I think they should write them into roles appropriate to their age and decreased ability in the ring. I’m not trying to insult these older wrestlers when I notice their skills have declined, and they’re not in ring shape anymore. That’s just nature. I don’t expect a performer who’s been off television for years to jump back in with little notice and put on a four-star match. Creative should utilize these legends in such a way that it doesn’t matter how they look, or how well their knees have held up over the years.

Legends should be allowed to reach down and pull up a young gun, making superstars for the future of the industry.

Note: It’s very odd to hear Michael Cole and Tazz referring to Road Warrior Animal and Heidenreich as “The L.O.D.” – something about it just doesn’t seem right.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

p.s. – Why don’t you ever hear any father-in-law jokes?

Master Sergeant, United States Air Force