1-900-Idiot-Savant

Well, well, well. Lots of things going on in Inside Pulse land. New format, a changing of the guard (somewhat) here in Music, which results in a perfect opportunity for yrs. truly to sneak in through the back door and LOWER the bar that Aaron, Jeff, Gloomchen et al. have raised substantially since I was on hiatus. Looks like I’ve got Hump Day, so I will do the best I can to make the second most intolerable day of the week just a little bit manageable with my incoherent babbling.

Right, well, before we begin, anyone who bothered to read me before knows that I’m not exactly one to stick STRICTLY to the discussion of music. Interestingly enough, my return more or less coincides with the return of another multi-million past time, which just happens to be enjoyed by the teeming masses. Yeah, I’m talking about hockey and how things here in the ‘real world’ seem to caught up in some sort of doppelganger of EA Sports NHL games. Free agent-a-go-go! Brian Burke being even more of a media whore! The Islanders becoming even more of a deplorable team! Small market teams, like Atlanta, getting STACKED! It’s a glorious time to be a fan of the sport the Hanson brothers made famous, and with August almost out of the way, that whiny, simpering Green Day tune will be taking on a whole different meaning to me once September actually DOES hit.

October 5th. I cannot wait. Since the season hasn’t actually begun yet, I’ll spare all of you…for now.

Now, how about we get to some actual MUSICAL discussion?

Out of the Loop

I’ll be honest with you guys right now. I haven’t bought a lot of new music this year. To me, this year has more or less sucked and/or blown for new releases. What was ideally shaping up to be an amazing year for material has essentially become a rather underwhelming set of releases being released. I don’t think I even need to bring up Coldplay’s disaster of a release, which would be the musical equivalent of Terri goddamned Schiavo….post-plug being pulled. But I mean, what else has come out this year that has been all that great? Let’s take a look at what has come out, and see:

Nine Inch Nails – Wif Teef (You can’t say that Reznor doing a collaboration with Dr Dre and Obie Trice wouldn’t have been a helluva lot better than this by the numbers political dilly-dallying he forcefed upon us earlier this year. And what the f*ck was up with throwing a Jennifer Lopez sized temper tantrum when the MTV folks wouldn’t let you perform with George Bush banners at whatever crappy awards show they were doing? Gods man, no offense, but you missed the anti-Bush boat by a good 8 months by that point. MTV was actually trying to save you some embarrassment. Oh, Mr. Reznor of Closer and March of the Pigs fame, wherefore art thou go?)

System Of A Down – Mesmerize (Okay. First of all, releasing a 29 minute long album isn’t necessarily all that bad. I actually really liked this album, which was more or less a nice, angry little jaunt down Angry Lane in the Anger Mobile. What I didn’t like was the guitarist or whoever the hell it is singing. I dunno if I’m just really picky, or discriminating or whatever, but dude sounded whinier than a Bright Eyes album. Good disc, and I’m glad that SOAD didn’t bother charging fans full price for what’s essentially an EP)

Foo Fighters – In Your Honor (Didn’t care too much for the acoustic disc, which features a collaboration with SNORAH Jones {See what I mean about lowering the bar here, kids? Nothing but horrible puns and jokes that are approximately 3 years past their expiry dates!} and is just rather…bleh. However, I would pay good money to hear Dave Grohl scream out entries from the Yellow Pages, so the ‘rock’ disc gets a big thumbs up. All revel in the awesomeness that is Dave Grohl. REVEL!)

Black Eyed Peas – Monkey Business (Yeah, right.)

Coldplay – X&Y (One of these days I will begin to understand the phenomenon that is Coldplay. Their music will speak to me in a way that it never did before, and I will become enveloped in a cocoon of Coldplay goodness. Shortly thereafter, I shall placed a loaded gun into my mouth and pray for a quick release. Seriously, why the hell would you shell out GOOD money for the SAME goddamned album not twice, but THREE times? At least up here in Canada-land, sales of this piece of dreck seemed to be flagging, which is good.)

Mars Volta – De-Loused In The Comatorium (Wait, you mean the new one is called Frances the Mute? Coulda fooled me. Keeping in tune with the releasing the same goddamned album concept, we have the second offering from the wanna-be prog rockers known as the Mars Volta. I realize that I’ve just walked myself into a death sentence, as the Mars Volta supposedly can do no wrong, but my god. If odd time signatures, weird effects on your guitar and singing absolute GIBBERISH constitutes a ‘godly’ album, hook me up with a studio and some PCP and we’ll see what ‘genius’ I can crank out. Please note, I actually DO like the Mars Volta, but I found Frances to be De-Loused In The Comatorium Part Deux: Now With SPANISH! Sue me.)

White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan (Meg White needs to go. She needs to stop making music, and just go and retire somewhere quietly in Detroit where people will not have to deal with her ideas on how to be a ‘drummer’. Singing is also something she doesn’t do very well, either. It’s a testament to Jack White’s skill that he’s been able to rise above her nonsense. If this were only a Jack White solo album, I’d be loving it. Sadly, we have to deal with the idiot who thinks she’s a drummer, so I’m left wanting. Ho hum.)

Audioslave – Out of Exile (My god, how the mighty have fallen. I remember a time when both Soundgarden and Rage Against the Machine made music that absolutely, positively rocked the casbah. How a pairing of these two groups from the 90s could’ve resulted in some of the worst dreck this side of Hoobastank absolutely mystifies me. Chris Cornell is a good singer, and the Rage guys know how to rock out. So honestly, what’s with this whiny, ABC After School Special inspired garbage that I hear whenever my clicker pauses long enough to rest on RAW is War every Monday? Whoever is the ringleader of this sad little circus should hang his head in shame.)

Oasis – Hi We’re Not The Beatles (I thought these guys had broken up. I guess not. Could someone try and tell me when was the last time Oasis released something actually interesting and relevant? What was it, like, 1994? Pack it in, Liam. Your better days are behind you.)

Limp Bizkit – The Unquestionable Truth (Believe it or not, I actually listened to this. Against my better judgement, I know. I think I spent a total of about 1:30 listening to this at some listening booth. Why the hell is Fred Durst still allowed to make music? Who the hell would purchase the latest Bizkit offering? Why do I keep asking questions to which there is no rational answer? Ugh.)

And so on and so forth. 2005 hasn’t exactly been an awe-inspiring year from the majors.

There IS some stuff I have thoroughly enjoyed this year, or am at least looking forward to. What, exactly, are they? Next week, kiddies. The misanthrope Canadian does indeed possess a heart, and no, it’s not someone else’s. Ha ha ha!

Noowz

Looks like Evanescence is facing some more legal woes. Some uptight prudes from a Maryland Wal-Mart purchased their live DVD and were appalled, and shocked, yes, SHOCKED, I tells ya, upon finding out that the live performance featured NAUGHTY WORDS. What is our world coming to, where a commercially successful band will turn their backs upon their religion that supported them in their lean days and then turn to turn to such DEPRAVED behavior such as FOUL LANGUAGE? It’s all going to the dogs, folks, and I for one am glad that a judge recently ruled that Wal-Mart has to accept refunds to anyone who purchased the DVD, as it did not possess the proper Parental Advisory Sticker. I, for one, would all be for extending that court ruling, making it mandatory for all people who purchased an Evanescence disc to return the damn thing and get their money back.

Apparently incapable of just admitting that music just downright sucks these days, the RIAA has been on a rampage the past little while. First, they went and kicked sand into the faces of a couple of video game aficionado sites because the videos that Volthgar the Bloodraiser made of his elf pals beating up a bunch of trolls contained music and therefore, That Was Wrong, so it had to be shut down. The RIAA’s logic behind the decision to cockblock these sites? Someone could download the videos and then go to the effort of ripping the backing tracks folks used, thereby creating their own mp3s for vile and nefarious means! HORRORS!

Now, the RIAA is pointing the finger at CDRs, blaming THEM for the reason why sales are flagging, the industry is a mess and why we’re being forced to having to endure another Ashlee Simpson CD and SNL appearance (October 11th, for all of you poor bastards keeping track at home). Yes, it’s just like blank tapes all over again…but the technology has evolved! Become stronger! Faster! More exclamation points so I can continue to induce panic! Hooray!

Seriously, the RIAA at this point is fighting a losing battle. Short of regulating every single person on the Internets (which would be illegal and against Constitutional rights, from what I understand), there’s no bloody way they are ever going to stamp out filesharing, CD burning and the such. Learn to roll with the bloody punches, instead of bemoaning the fact that people are using the technology in ways that aren’t quite as ethical as intended. Oh, and lay off bullying people who are making movies of their video game exploits, they’re soft boiled enough as-is. Ha!

Coheed & Cambria’s new album title seems to either be really sad or bordering on self-parody. ‘Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV, Volume I: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness’ is due September 20th. What the hell.

Jessica Simpson is looking to make Daisy Dukes for fatties, because, and I’m quoting here, ‘she has a broad fanbase’. Too many jokes to be made here and, in an attempt to keep this column from spiraling out of control, I’m just going to leave it at that.

Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

And thus concludes my first triumphant column here with Inside Pulse 2.0. If you liked what you heard, feel free to drop me a line through e-mail, or bitch about how little I know about music on the forums. I’ll promise to spend at least 1 additional hour past my bedtime crying for each flame I receive.

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