Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Chex Mix; a whole lot of crunch and whole lot less fat than regular potato chips.
This weekend is such a welcome break from this past week. Honestly, this week was filled with plenty of shit that I’d like to never have to deal with again. For example, not only did a have a dispute with two of my friends over a bunch of ridiculous bullshit, but I was eating a BBQ chicken pizza at work on Thursday and I accidentally bit into my cheek. Not only was the whole remainder of that meal as painful as it was tasty, but my cheek is now swollen and every time I eat I can’t help but bite into it. Also, most of the gas stations within a 30-mile radius of my house are selling 87-grade unleaded for $3.099/gallon, something that I didn’t think I’d be subjected to until 2016 at the soonest, when I’ll finally have my student loans paid off and can actually afford to spend the extra f*cking money. But wait, there’s more… my computer decided that it didn’t feel like starting up on Friday and most of Saturday, so after talking on the phone with the helpless desk for close to an hour, here I am starting this column on Saturday night. Not only did my column get delayed, but I also had about sixteen pages to layout for the magazine, that I’ll have to either get done in a matter of hours on Sunday or force a deadline extension. Luckily, I have a vacation coming up in two weeks, so I can get away from all of this mumbo-jumbo and just chill out for a week. And yes, in case you were wondering, the second ever Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale has been confirmed for the September 3 edition, featuring newcomers Warren Woo and Gregory Wind. Stay tuned!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (EXTRA JOBS EDITION)
Seeing as gasoline prices are currently ranging between $2.699-$3.299/gallon, many of us here at InsidePulse music have been forced to get extra jobs in order to pay the difference.
Trevor Presiloski, recently hired to work the counter at Popeye’s Chicken, has said that he hopes his supervisor, Mr. Jenkins, will let him take leftover chicken home some nights. Otherwise, he’ll have to just get it from the dumpster.
That_Bootleg_Guy, who’s been working as an overnight custodian at a Wal-Mart in San Diego, was recently promoted to shift lead, after only three days of employment, for taking the initiative to change the head on the dust mop.
Shawn M. Smith has been delivering papers for The New York Times in order to pay for gas for his 1986 Buick Regal, which gets 3.1415926535 miles to the gallon. He uses said car in delivering his three routes, all in Staten Island. However, since starting last week, he’s already been pulled over 18 times by local police, although he still refuses to remove his black light license plate frame.
Mathan Erhardt doesn’t drive, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting a new job to make up for the astronomical hike in gas prices. However, he decided to be a team player and get an extra job anyway, so he’s now working as the Lieutenant Governor of Nevada.
D’Estroyer dresses in drag in order to make ends meet as a cocktail waitress at Rattlesnake’s Gentlemen’s Club in Boston. Contrary to popular opinion, guys really do like girls with tattoos and hairy legs, as D’Estroyer is making more money than any other waitress in the place… yes, even Ginger, and she gives dollar blow jobs!
Gloomchen and Mike Eagle have become partners in starting their own home business, through the Specialty Merchandise Corporation, after simultaneously seeing the infomercial on Adult Swim at 3am last Monday. Pretty soon, you will be able to visit their merchant site and purchase their quality totes, which have been assembled by children union laborers in Myanmar Philadelphia, for 1/8 the suggested retail price!
Kyle David Paul drives a taxi between the hours of 1:30am and 4am. Although he’s only been driving for… sorry, KDP, you’re always the last on the list, and by this point I’ve run out of halfway decent material. Fuck it… 50 Cent looks like a Malaysian tapir.
NEWS TO USE
Courtney Love told Superior Court Judge Rand Rubin, who had ordered her to court for violating her probation and using drugs, that she had in fact consumed controlled substances at least three times while on probation for related charges. Love, who has recently claimed that she’s been “clean and sober” for over a year, was ordered to report to a drug rehab center by the end of the day, after tearfully admitting that she had suffered a relapse. The judge also scheduled a subsequent hearing on September 16, during which the singer will be sentenced for violating her probation. “There will be sentencing and some further consequences at that time,” he said. “I think you either need a long-term drug program or a long term in County Jail.” I just saw a rebroadcast of “The Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson,” and if you get a chance to see it, check it out just so that you can see the event at which Courtney Love proves herself to be the ultimate tool. I’d put money on it that she will more than likely never again get work. Seriously, you need to see it to know exactly what I’m talking about. In fact, if she was not high on that broadcast, I feel more sorry for her than if she were.
Madonna celebrated her 47th birthday on Tuesday by falling off of a horse near her home in rural England and sustaining several fractured bones. The singer’s husband, director Guy Ritchie rushed her to a nearby hospital, where she was treated for five separate fractures and released soon thereafter. Although neither Madonna nor Guy Ritchie would speak with reporters after the incident, a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet was able to score an EXCLUSIVE interview with her physician, Dr. Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shabbadoo, who said that the singer had been treated for three cracked ribs, a broken collarbone, and a broken hand. He also added, “[she] may have taken a hit on her head, as I noticed that she was speaking in a really dreadful fake British accent.”
Jacko avoided a probable arrest warrant on Wednesday by sending an attorney to face some sexual assault charges at a hearing in New Orleans, a case in which the singer had missed two prior hearings for. U.S. District Judge Eldon Fallon fined Jacko $10,000 for being absent for the two previous hearings, and added that he would have put out a bench warrant for his arrest and even possibly awarded the plaintiff the case had Jacko’s lawyer, Charles Gay, not made it to the hearing. The plaintiff in the case, who filed his lawsuit last November, claims that he was sexually assaulted by the King of Pop at the 1984 World’s Fair in New Orleans, after being luring into the Jacko’s limousine. The suit goes on to accuse the singer of continuing to assault the plaintiff, who was 18 at the time, over the course of eight days on the way to California, adding that he had been drugged, sliced with a razor, and bitten. While Jacko’s attorney cites a one-year statute of limitations, the prosecution argues that the plaintiff had repressed the memories, and they were just recently recalled amid last year’s media coverage of the recent case in which Jacko was acquitted.
Bruce Kuhlman, a former employee of guitarist Carlos Santana, is suing the rocker and his wife Deborah after claiming that he was wrongfully terminated for not being “spiritually evolved” enough. According to the suit, Deborah brought in a man called “Dr. Dan” to calibrate the family’s employees to evaluate their spiritual consciousness, so that they could grow closer to God and become better workers. Employees that calibrated higher where believed to have a higher level or consciousness. Kuhlman, who apparently tested low, is seeking unspecified damages for lost wages, emotional distress, and unpaid overtime. That’s it… Santana and his wife can burn in Hell, because everybody knows that an employer who doesn’t pay overtime is nothing but a squirrelly tightwad and should be kicked in the junk.
Eminem’s aunt and uncle have filed a lawsuit against him, claiming that he breached a verbal contract and is trying to evict them from a house that they were promised. According to The Detroit News, Jack and Betty Schmidt had lived in Missouri until the rapper offered to pay them $100,000 a year for five years, and give them a house that was worth $350,000, just so that they would move Michigan. After having moved in 2002, they allege that Eminem paid them only $165,000 over the three years and never switched the house over from his own name. The Schmidts, who received an eviction notice last month, are seeking $350,000 and possession of the home.
Quick Bits
In other Eminem news, he is reportedly “in the hospital under doctors’ care” for a dependency to sleeping pills, after having cancelled the 10-city European leg of his Anger Management tour.
Ozzy Osbourne told reporters on Thursday that he would not be headlining future years’ Ozzfests. “After 10 years, I’ve decided that this year will be my last as the headlining act on Ozzfest,” he said on his Web site. “The Ozzfest is well-established now and I feel it’s time for me to hand the reigns off to someone else… like My Chemical Romance or some other shit band that my son likes.”
Esther Wong, proprietor of the Los Angeles-based Madame Wong’s nightclub, which gave several bands their respective starts in the late ’70s and early ’80s, died last Sunday at her Los Angeles-area home, after suffering from emphysema and cancer. She was 88.
Rapper Mase is telling reporters that he is expecting to sign a record deal with 50 Cent’s G-Unit imprint for the release of his next album. G-Unit has recently signed Mobb Deep, M.O.P., and R&B boy band in which the members all look like things.
Fiddler Vassar Clements, who played with artists including Paul McCartney, Johnny Cash, The Grateful Dead, and Hank Williams Jr., and also released several of his own bluegrass albums, died Tuesday at his home in Nashville. He died from advanced lung cancer, and was 77.
Representatives for the LAPD rejected a settlement on Wednesday that would have ended litigation over the death of Christopher “The Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace. The slain rapper’s family was willing to take an $18 million payment to stop pursuing the case.
If the band’s MySpace profile is to be trusted, bassist Ryan Sinn has left the band. “I’m no longer part of the life I knew so recently,” he wrote on a message board. “The Distillers are no more and it feels like a weight has been lifted. However, I’ll never get rid of the disgust inside from it all.”
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From the lovely Aisha Bell at EMI Music Marketing…
LIZ PHAIR SUPPORTS SOMEBODY’S MIRACLE,
SCHEDULED FOR OCTOBER 4th RELEASE,
WITH NORTH AMERICAN FALL TOUR
Liz Phair will launch her new album, Somebody’s Miracle, with a headlining tour of North America that kicks off in Ft. Lauderdale on October 6th. Highlights include shows at New York’s Irving Plaza (10/17,18), Chicago’s Vic Theater (10/25) and at the House of Blues in Los Angeles (11/7).
Somebody’s Miracle, a bold, ambitious work featuring 14 songs written by Phair, has already captured critics’ attention in advance of its October 4th release:
“Liz Phair doesn’t need your stinking ‘indie cred.’ She’s not nostalgic for her bad-girl years. And she’s back with her best album yet,” said New York Magazine in a recent feature, which went on to note “She is thinking about more than hooking up on this album; she is writing about stuff that is (even) more interesting than sex.”
Her stripped-down, sold-out summer club tour, which was limited to eight cities, put her songwriting front and center. Said the New York Post of a recent show: “What’s incredible about Phair, who just finished an intimate, two-show engagement at Joe’s Pub, is how she musters the courage to sing about her deepest sexual desires. No other artist, male or female, comes close to understanding lust like Liz…. As hot as her lyrics are, she’s much more than a pretty blond waif who likes to talk dirty. Her songwriting and unconventional guitar playing shine through the steam.”
Later this month, Phil Harder will direct the video for “Everything to Me,” the album’s first single. Somebody’s Miracle is the follow-up to Phair’s 2003 self-titled album, which included the Gold single “Why Can’t I.”
Tour dates are as follows:
LIZ PHAIR – FALL 2005 NORTH AMERICAN TOUR
10/6 Ft. Lauderdale, FL (Revolution)
10/7 Orlando, FL (House of Blues)
10/8 Tampa, FL (Janus Landing)
10/10 Atlanta, GA (Roxy Theatre)
10/12 Washington, DC (9:30 Club)
10/14 Boston, MA (Avalon)
10/16 Philadelphia, PA (TLA)
10/17 New York, NY (Irving Plaza)
10/18 New York, NY (Irving Plaza)
10/22 Montreal, QC (Café Campus)
10/23 Toronto, ON (Phoenix)
10/25 Chicago, IL (Vic Theater)
10/26 Milwaukee, WI (Pabst Theater)
10/27 Minneapolis, MN (First Avenue)
10/29 Denver, CO (Gothic Theater)
10/31 Dallas, TX (Gypsy Ballroom)
11/1 Austin, TX (La Zona Rosa)
11/7 Los Angeles, CA (House of Blues)
11/8 San Francisco, CA (Fillmore)
11/11 Vancouver, BC (Commodore Ballroom)
11/12 Seattle, WA (Neumo’s)
11/13 Portland, OR (Crystal Ballroom)
11/15 Anaheim, CA (House of Blues)
11/16 San Diego, CA (House of Blues)
For more information on LIZ PHAIR,
visit www.lizphair.com
From Gearhead Records…
AMAZING NEW SINGLES FROM BOTTLES AND SKULLS AND THE SPUNKS OUT NOW!
It’s a lucky day for serious rockers and punk rock “collector scum” alike! The two latest Gearhead singles are now available, and this time we pulled no punches. First up is the latest from punk geniuses Bottles And Skulls. This veteran San Francisco band has been devastating audiences and eardrums alike for years, and while “Scream Scream” b/w Dead In The USA (RPM067) may be the final nail in their coffin, if folks like Jesus and Dracula can rise again, I wouldn’t count these guys out either. Limited edition on blood red vinyl available right here. Up next is the first domestically released single from Japanese sensations The Spunks. Produced and engineered by Don Fury @ Cyclone Sound in Brooklyn (Fleshtones, Helmet, Sick Of It All, etc.) The Spunks unleash a sonic typhoon of blazing punk rock that you must hear to believe. Russian Roulette (RPM066) is a foot stompin’, fist flyin’ original while “Can-Nana Fever” is a Guitar Wolf cover dedicated to the memory of the recently departed Billy “Bass Wolf” (R.I.P.) Limited edition on sickly yellow vinyl, and the badass cover girl is none other than Yago of Gitogito Hustler herself. Check it out right here.
STREET TEAM UPDATE FEATURING LOTS OF AUSSIE ACTION!
Lots of news on the Gearhead Street Team front, including plenty of Australian action thanks to Peter our man in Melbourne! Check out his busy work (and badass ride) right here. Being on the team does have it’s benefits friends, so if you want to get involved, it’s as simple as contacting Heather right here with the following info:
-Your name
-Your city
-Your local venue for independent music
-Your local record store(s)
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our Publicity Department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our Publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Janet Jackson, “Love Will Never Do (Without You)”
The Prodigy, “Medusa’s Path”
Poets of Thought, “The Rhyme Goes On”
Diana Ross & the Supremes, “Someday We’ll Be Together”
A:xus, “”Baghdad Cafe (Callin’ U)” [f/Naomi Nsombi]
Warrant, “Cherry Pie”
The Alarm, “Sixty-eight Guns”
U.N.K.L.E., “Guns Blazing (Drums of Death Part 1)” [f/Kool G Rap]
Genesis, “Turn It On Again”
Bon Jovi, “Bad Medicine”
Kansas, “Carry On My Wayward Son”
The Cult, “Little Face”
The Distillers, “I Am a Revenant”
Styx, “Renegade”
Frederic Galliano and the African Divas, “Koukou Lé”
John Waite, “Missing You”
New Radicals, “You Get What You Give”
Stereolab, “The Flower Called Nowhere”
Paul McCartney and Wings, “Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five”
The Mission U.K., “Wasteland”
Van Halen, “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”
BoDeans, “Good Things” (Live)
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Sean Combs “announced” this past week that he is going to be dropping the “P” in “P. Diddy,” and would be known as “Diddy.” The rapper/producer/clothing designer told The Associated Press that he had an event planned for the unveiling of the new moniker at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards, in Miami, on August 28. He added that his friends had been calling him for years, but other people didn’t know what exactly to call him. How about the Self-important, Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Whiny Shithead Bitch? It has a nice ring to it, I think. Honestly, what the f*ck is the deal with this “event” he has planned for the unveiling of his new, shortened, more streamlined name? He’s dropping a letter off of his already idiotic nickname. What does he think, that people are going to shower him with roses and start marking out and fainting with glee? Methinks that this is just a publicity stunt to divert attention away from the fact that he hasn’t put out a quality piece of music in damn year 10 years, and even that’s debatable. I honestly hope that this cocksucker gets kidnapped and they never find any sign of him until the year 6045, when archeologists are digging for fossils in the dried out valley which was once the East River find his remains connected to concrete shoes.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m free to do what I want, any ol’ time.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
