In Memoriam: Mo Mowlam, who fought for an equitable peace in Northern Ireland despite a brain tumor. Definitely an inspiration.
You know, it’s a bad thing to do a column when you’re apathetic. It really shows to the audience, and I hate showing that. There’s still some kind of standard to be held in the IWC that you have to show yourselves to be excited about the product. However, on weeks like this, it’s tough to disguise. After all, SummerSlam is set and nothing’s left but inconsequential build-up to matches that they should have sold us on weeks ago. Sacrifice is in the books, and they’ve already taped the four weeks of Impact leading up to Unbreakable. Wrestling has its Dog Days of August, and right now, they’re barking all through the night and keeping everyone awake, forcing them to focus on the abject boredom being shown to them.
And when you, as a columnist, are forced to do a lead-in concerning that boredom…you have a problem. It becomes an act of discretion to go directly to the meat and potatoes. So let me do that…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Joey Mercury and Melina over Booker T and Paisley, Mixed Tag Match (Pinfall, Melina pins Sharmell, Splotchy-ference): Well, this was a surprise. The women aren’t wrestlers, but they have a firm grasp on workrate and bringing a crowd into a match. This shouldn’t be so surprising, though; Paisley’s been around long enough to have picked up some things, and Melina is said to be learning a lot in regard to handling herself in the ring. It wasn’t the embarassment that everyone thought going into it, though, and that’s mostly due to the women. So congratulations for that.
Booker gets Mercury right in the mush
The Legion Of Dumb over Rookie Silverstein and J. P. Arson (Well, That’s What Candice Michelle Said, I Think) (Pinfall, Heidenreich pins One Of Them, Doomsday Device): And, lo, there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth when Candice Michelle does a ring announcement and Heidenreich and Animal step into the ring. If you don’t have teeth, they, of course, will be provided.
Heidenreich prepares to take his bitch home for the night
High-Quality Speaker Boy versus Sho Funaki, No Holds Barred Match (ND, Batista-ference): Well, it got Funaki some camera time. And a complete beating, of course. But was this really necessary?
High-Quality Speaker Boy demonstrates his secret weapon for Sunday: his pit odor
Rey-Rey over Simon Dean (Pinfall, Drop The Dime): Once upon a time, there was a wrestler named Mike Bucci. Bucci was a pretty good wrestler, and knew how to get a crowd into a match with a wild array of offense. People said that he brought new offensive moves to every match that he wrestled. But they told him that the offensive capabilities he had weren’t enough; he couldn’t get over without a good gimmick. He failed to find that good gimmick, and disappeared. The End.
The Simon System can help you lose so much weight, you can defy gravity!
Randy Orton over Chris Benoit (Pinfall, RKO): Let us count how Our Lord and Savior was humiliated in this match: 1) Having to carry Orton for more than ten minutes. 2) Having Orlando Fucking Jordan cause the interference which cost him this match. 3) Being forced not to produce the acceptable outcome of this match: him beating the living shit out of Orton for five minutes and making him cry like a baby. 4) Having to job in his home country. Hey, Bret Fanboys, it works for every Canadian if you accept it for Bret. Well, he’ll get the US title on Sunday, small comfort to him that it is.
Orton tries and fails to make a wristlock look more painful than it is
Just A Question: Exactly how many of those olive-colored wife-beaters does Eddy own? For everyone’s sake, I hope the answer isn’t “one”.
Oh, my, doesn’t Eddy look TEH EVOL!!!111!!!
The Sacred And The Profane: I want to know who came up with the “LOD Revival” idea. I want that person tied up in my presence while I beat their brains in with a tire iron. I thought that this mess would be over by now. But the longer it goes on, the more I feel the spirit of Mike Hegstrand attempt to possess me and do violence against those who would soil his legacy. He also tells me to go out and get loaded and find some chicks and coke. But not before violence on a major scale is done.
The final indignity
Downplay: Christian is pretty upset about the downplay of his push lately, according to reports. Well, he has a right to be. He’s been doing a good job since being moved to Smackdown and doesn’t really deserve “demotion”. The problem is that there are just too many people in front of him. He’s going to take a backseat to Benoit, Booker, Rey-Rey, Eddy, etc. In the meantime, though, his mic skills have been rewarded with The Peep Show. He’s being given the same benefit as Jericho was with the Highlight Reel: it keeps him in the mix until such time as they have something for him. That being said, I have no f*cking idea what the hell being beaten up by the Mexicools does for him. I was waiting and hoping for a Regal run-in, done to teach the Mexicools “manners”. Actually, Regal, who’s being moved toward a tweener position, and Christian would make a good team for the time being. Their styles match and they’re both gold on the mic. Of course, now that I’ve said it, it will never happen.
Christian is willing to take a boot in the face from Super Crazy in his hometown. That puts him about two levels above Bret, doesn’t it?
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Samoa Joe over Jerrelle Clark (Submission, Kokina clutch): Of course, everyone came into this thinking “squash”. That’s natural, of course, given the level of Joe’s blowjob push. However, kudos to the bookers for making Clark actually look credible. He got a good portion of offense in on Joe, and looked good for the short duration of this match. Of course, Clark’s always going to be a tag team guy who’s never going to get more of a token tag push, but, still, it’s nice to see them paying attention to the bottom-feeders.
Chris Sabin and Shocker over Simon Diamond and Mikey Batts, Chris Candido Memorial Tournament, First Round (Pinfall, Sabin pins Batts, Cradle Shock): Okay, the idea of the Candido Tournament is nice: pair up a veteran with a young guy in an ad hoc tag situation. The problem here was that the “young guy” in question was Chris Sabin. Yes, he may be young, but he’s been incredibly successful in TNA, with two X Division championships topping a pretty good sized list of accomplishments. The concept was really shot down due to the booking in this match. The focus was constantly on Sabin, doing his best Ricky Morton impression. Given the brackets (and the spoilers), the concept will get back on track, but, really, Sabin shouldn’t have been in this to begin with. That being said, it was nice to see Sabin and Shocker as a team. They work very well together. It won’t surprise me one bit if they’re teamed up on a more permanent basis. If so, give them a push. TNA needs some fresh air in the stale tag division.
Rhiyno over Sonny Siaki (Pinfall, Goar Goar Goar): Ah, Sonny Siaki is back to being the JTTS that we all know and love. All’s right with the world, then.
Ron Killings and Sonjay Dutt over Road Hogg and Cassidy Riley, Chris Candido Memorial Tournament, First Round (Pinfall, Dutt pins Riley, 450 splash): Ah, the power of 3 Live Kru, so great that a tournament meant to memorialize a good wrestler and good man has to be subordinated to their shenanigans. Oh, bullshit. They could have just ended it by pulling the trigger on the New Age Outlaws reunion like people expected (and some even wanted), but, no, the entire organization has to remain enthralled to them. Why isn’t there the same level of bitching in regard to 3LK that there is in regard to Jarrett? 3LK definitely deserves some.
Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas over Eric Young and Alastair Rouse, Tag Title Match (DQ, Canuck-ference): A very…well, unusual permutation of Team Canada. Well, Roode has the match against Raven next week and Williams is involved in the Candido Tournament, so I guess this was the only combination that could be used. It did weaken the match somewhat because Rouse just simply sucks. Young can’t carry him completely to a good performance in a tag match (although Young is terrific). Well, it was pretty harmless, so I’ll let them get away with it.
Pissing In The Corner: What exactly were all those people doing with promos this week claiming a shot at the world title? Jarrett, Brown, Abyss…yes, we all know they have valid claims of some sort or another. However, thanks to the wonderful world of spoilers, we know the situation won’t change between now and Unbreakable. Or were they using this as a blind to not have the audience realize that the danger of a multiple-participant match actually lies in the X Division title match (which is the case)? My biggest fear is that this is all a set-up leading into the first Spike show. They’ve already established King of the Mountain as their “special, once-a-year” match. If they pull it out for the first Spike show, it’s going to devalue King of the Mountain tremendously.
Ah, that’s it. I’m already late turning this thing in, so might as well get it done. See you at the Round Table.