Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 08.23.05

In Memoriam: Robert Moog, the man who made the keyboard do anything.

Memo To Green Bay Dressed Beef and the Canadian Food Inspection Agency: Contact me immediately if you don’t want this to happen again.

Ah, things seem to be settling now that SummerSlam’s in the books. Tigger’s back to his winning ways in Ohio (anyone who thought they were seeing a replay of the Masters can be forgiven). Maria Sharapova’s tits are ranked one and two in the world. Gaza’s empty and so is the Iraqi Constitution. Harvey Schiller, famous for being Bisch’s sucking-up-to target long before Vince, is one of the BCS Poll voters. And I was able to download a quick upload of SummerSlam in order to make deadline on this puppy (no screen caps, regrettably). So, therefore, there’s actually material for me this week.

Well, not much material, but there’s at least some material. As such, let’s just move on quickly since the Introduction Bug has bitten and I have no idea what to say…

THE PIMP SECTION

Lucard shows us that calamari is a perfect appetizer for a birthday dinner.

Zarur gets to cover the Heat prior to SummerSlam. Good for him.

Anderson has his SummerSlam thoughts. Don’t bother reading him; you’ll get my thoughts after this.

Ditto Hevia.

Hatton has his gaggle of friends over for SummerSlam.

The Comics Roundtable has a good old time.

Paul is missing one key fact from his thesis: there is no possible way, chemical enhancements included, to enjoy VH1.

Memo To Basilo: the answer is “neither”.

Wallace discusses how to make girly drinks.

THE BOYS OF SUMMERSLAM

Look, better me writing a recap of SummerSlam than that dipshit Boston obsessive Bill Simmons, right? At least I write about wrestling…well, when I’m not writing about golf. Simmons does the “I’m too good for this bullshit” routine every time he talks about wrestling, but makes sure to prove his mark credentials while doing it. Despite the fact that every time he writes about wrestling, real wrestling writers tell him to shut the f*ck up, he still does it. In fact, I read Dumbf*ck’s column as I was watching SummerSlam, and I’d like intersperse his stupid-ass comments into my commentary, just to show you that, in fact, I am not only the superior wrestling writer, but the superior writer period. And I don’t give a f*cking shit about the Red Sox (if he calls them “the Sox” again, I’ll punch him right in the tits; the only “Sox” reside at 35th and the Ryan).

(viz. Orlando Jordan): Good to see the WWE is still practicing the old SD Jones Policy with black wrestlers — in other words, come out, dance around, lose in under 20 seconds.

This, of course, conveniently ignores the fact that Jordan held the US strap for about six months, and was the slipstream beneficiary of High-Quality Speaker Boy’s unbelievable push. It also ignores Shelton Benjamin holding the IC strap for eight months. Booker T’s been in the upper-mid-card since the Merger, nearly constantly in high-profile feuds. It ignores the fact that if WWE got their claws on Monty Brown, he’d get an immediate upper-mid-card push. And it implies that he doesn’t regard Flex as black. But, no, he has to play the race card in order to get out a cutesy line. Asshole.

(Of course, I can say this with impunity because Simmons admits that he doesn’t read wrestling websites. If he did, though, you know he’s the type who’d just read wwe.com and nothing else.)

Now, as to the result of the match, obviously, I’m pleased. I wanted Our Lord and Savior to win this last month, when it would have meant something. Now, it means even less. Having Jordan drop the title in about a minute in which time he didn’t get anything resembling offense in? What does that say about the US title? It says exactly what we’ve been saying since Jordan got the title: it doesn’t mean anything anymore. It’s now up to Benoit to salvage any value from it that might be there. And to help him, there’s this guy named Christian in the wings. Pull the trigger on that now.

Take this for what you will, but Hardy and Edge look like they’re actually punching each other — this is like a UFC match. Did wrestling become real and nobody told me? This is unbelievable. Is every match like this?

Uh, Bill, there’s this tradition in journalism called “research”. Learning the background of the story is considered to be important in order to understand the story and being able to communicate the story to the audience. It’s one of the first things that journalists learn. If you’d done even the most minimal amount of research, you would have known the background behind this, something we in the IWC have been drowning in the past few months. Maybe it looks “real” because it has a real background behind it and was played as being a shoot.

But was it a real “shoot” match? Sure seemed like it. Should I go on one of those wrestling info sites to find out? See, this is why I didn’t want to get into wrestling again …

Maybe you should. If you’re going to do a column on SummerSlam, it’s, like, part of the job, as I said above. Piece of shit.

As for Edge/Hardy, the fact that it was placed second from the top following a one-minute squash showed what I said about it in the Round Table: everyone’s sick and tired of this angle. It would have been much later in the card if people had cared about it (including “creative”). That being said, it was a very good match, thanks to Edge carrying Hardy from start to finish. The ending, of course, was bullshit, just prolonging this angle further. However, it did put the angle on a path to be run in a more “traditional” fashion. This should help when the obvious rematch takes place, probably at SurSer with a stip. Just don’t make the stip First Blood, and I’ll be cool with it.

Cole chimes in: “I adopted both of my boys … I understand what Rey Mysterio’s going through, just because you’re not the biological parent of your son does not mean you cannot be a father, that you cannot be a Dad, that you cannot be there for him.”

(What is this, the Maury Povich Show?)

For some people, Simmons, it’s called “life”. Me, for one. As people know, I’m adopted. And if more adoptive fathers behaved like Cole (and like Rey-Rey in fiction), adopted children would have an easier time of it. I’m sure that Cole doesn’t use his sons’ adoptive status as a club against them, threatening them with returning them to an orphanage if they didn’t behave. Unlike some fathers I’ve lived with. And you wonder why I pissed on the cocksucker’s grave.

Eddie screws up a powerplex from the top of the ladder

What the f*ck is a “powerplex”? The move was a Sunset Flip. It might have been perceived as a possible powerbomb by, say, a retarded columnist for ESPN desperate for material, admittedly, but there’s still no such thing as a “powerplex”. I’m sick of Ross miscalling moves; I don’t need it in columns.

Now, the ladder match…there is such a thing as a “good spot-fest”. Taken in isolation, this was a good spot-fest. However, it would have been a lot better had we not seen these two in the ring as much as we did. A ladder match is supposed to have a special flavor to it, and that was lacking here. It just didn’t click. Neither Rey-Rey nor Eddy were on the same page here. It should have been booked to be a lot more psychotic than it was. I’ll just blame the safety-conscious WWE for this one. It got so bad that when Dominic did the run-in and Eddy started lecturing him, I expected Eddy to start doing a David Ruffin impression on “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me”. Fortunately, I’ve got that song on my hard drive and played it until the urge to compare passed.

In an interview, Chris Jericho calls WWE champ John Cena “the flavor of the month, just like David Cassidy or the New Kids on the Block or Andrew Shue, this is his fate.” He’s immediately contacted by VH1 producers to appear on “Best Week Ever” this week.

Hasn’t Jericho already done a number of episodes of Best Week Ever? Chalk up another show that Simmons doesn’t watch, but has to throw in to bolster his au courant credentials. And, Bill, don’t do snark if you can’t do it well. Leave that to the pros like me.

Let’s just say that you’ll never be hearing the words, “And the neeeeeew WWE champion … Euuuuuuuuuuuuu-gene!!!!!!!!!”

Not with this gimmick. But with just a little research (there’s that word again) on the background of Nick Dinsmore, there does remain that possibility, and it’s not ludicrous.

I’ll just state here that I wish Angle had beaten the crap out of the retard more than he did, but now this issue is settled and Kurt can move on to bigger and better things, gold medal in hand.

Just my luck, Undertaker is wrestling tonight — it’s his 14th straight Summer Slam, although it feels like it’s his 1,400th. I’d rather watch the Chyna-XPac sex tape on a 200-foot plasma TV than see the Undertaker wrestle again.

What can I say? Even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.

And thanks to Orton winning (I will forego commentary about the match, thank you), I’m now 5-for-5 in my Round Table predictions. However, I was stupid enough to predict Jericho over Cena, so that’s going to fall by the wayside soon enough…

Jericho is carrying Cena — this is like one of those old Utah playoff games where John Stockton would put Karl Malone on his back down the stretch. Really good match. I’m enjoying myself. So is the crowd.

Uh, Bill, the sign of a good match is for someone NOT to be carried. Of course Jericho’s carrying Cena. Did anyone expect otherwise? And the fact that you and the crowd are enjoying yourselves is simply a sign of your mental retardation, and that of the collective crowd. I get to prove two theses at the same time this way. That’s how I enjoyed myself during this abysmal match. Damn shame Jericho’s taking time off to do some Fozzy work and such. At least he could do something with the f*cking title.

…didn’t we just see the WWE title match? Now there’s another one?

For someone who claims to watch Wrestlemania and Royal Rumble in addition to SummerSlam, you don’t know about the brand split? Or is this just another cutesy thing to show that you’re above wrestling?

At least JBL is doing some sort of rich Texan gimmick — he’s like a cross between JR Ewing and Ted DiBiase — and I could swear he’s the same guy who used to be Bradshaw a few years ago. Is that possible?

For someone who claims to watch Wrestlemania and Royal Rumble in addition to SummerSlam, you don’t know who High-Quality…oh, f*ck it.

Batista just won. Boring name, boring match. Couldn’t they call him “Executioner Batista” or “Big Bad Batista” or even “Roid Rage?”

Why don’t you just call him “DAVE” like we do?

The problem with the DAVE/High-Quality Speaker Boy match was simple: it didn’t take advantage of the stipulation. A little whipping with a belt, and that was about it. The only way this could have worked was if they went balls-out. Don’t wrestle, just use everything in the place to beat the crap out of each other. Instead, they turned it into a wrestling match, and since neither can wrestle, that put a crimp in it. This match should have gone backstage, gone around the arena, done everything but stay in the ring. It should have been mayhem; hell, they should have called up Heyman and had him book it. It was just too damn tame. That timidity f*cked it over, and bad. Too bad. It could have showed the audience that they don’t have to rely on “main event style”. Yeah, the approach that I recommend is cliched these days (thank you, ECW), but it hasn’t been used in a while in WWE…okay, let me just abandon this thread of thought, because I know, just know, that if they’d gone that way, the IWC would have been bitching and moaning about “stealing from Foley” (because that’s as far back as the IWC’s institutional memory goes). But better to steal from Foley rather than bore us to death.

Unfortunately, that marks the end of the Simmons quotes, since his comments about Hogan/Michaels are pretty innocuous (he obviously has respect for Hogan coming from his mark days). So that leaves my comments.

First of all, Hogan f*cking bladed on camera. That just has to be separated from everything else. Please tell me that Scooter didn’t miss this one, because I know how much he loves when this happens. I await his commentary.

Well, the match turned out exactly like I expected, and for that matter, like everyone expected: Michaels carried Hogan in every manner he could conceive of and tried to make it look good. But no matter how much Michaels wanted to be Flair (and he was really, really trying to show his Inner Flair in this one, to the extent of carrying a couple of major Flairisms into his carrying job), he still is not Ric. There was no way in hell that he could have carried Hogan to an acceptable match. There is no way in hell that Flair himself at his peak could have carried Hogan to an acceptable match (I’m talking the Hogan of today; there was a possibility of this in the early 90s, but WWE blew it). The extended resthold sequence in the middle of the mat totally ruined the pace.

That being said, Hogan had to go over. I don’t apologize for the ending. We all knew it had to happen. The only question was how much Hogan was willing to get pummeled in the process. And I do have to say that he absorbed a lot. Michaels threw in as much (simplified) offense as he could, added a chair into the mix, demolished the poor Spanish Announce Table…this match actually contained more raw brutality than the No Holds Barred Match (but less than Edge/Hardy). Hogan was willing to go a long way in this one, and for that, I give him credit. Of course, he knew he was going over, so we have to add that into the equation.

The handshake…I don’t mind it too much. With the exception of Raw in Montreal, Michaels was always positioning himself as a tweener rather than a heel. He knows that the audience won’t let him go full heel anymore. He also knows that if his position at the Summit Of Mount Perpetually Over ™ was in trouble, the promos he cut on Hogan and the carrying he did in that match puts him right back up there. He and his position are now unassailable. In fact, I’m willing to say this: if the WWE Hall of Fame changes its criteria to induct active wrestlers, I wouldn’t mind Michaels being the first such person inducted. On one condition, of course: Flair has to announce his retirement from in-ring competition first. There are some people higher on the food chain, Shawn.

All in all, not a great SummerSlam. Too many guys missing (the retard got a place on the card but Booker, Christian, Benjamin, et al, didn’t). Too short an appearance by Benoit. The Hogan/Michaels match, not to mention the Batista/High-Quality Speaker Boy match, lasted a little too long; maybe if they hadn’t f*cked around for so long in the ring, we could have had a last-minute Booker/Christian match added. It could and should have been a lot better. SummerSlam truly is the PGA of the “big” PPVs.

And since there’s no other good wrestling news out there that I want to comment on, we go right to the fallout and see what happened on Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Kurt Angle over Shelton Benjamin (Submission, AngleLock): Ah, a trip into the Land Of What Might Have Been. Think of what might have happened had it been Benjy who got the medals instead of the retard. We could have had this match at SummerSlam, where it would have been Match of the Night wrestled just the way it was here. Instead, since it took place on Raw, it’s going to be underrated…although Benjy/Michaels wasn’t, I have to admit. However, it’s going to be forgotten more quickly, and it’s a shame that’s going to happen. Wonderful match, terrific pace, great wrestling…it had everything you want. So let me praise it now before it’s forgotten.

Rob Conway over Matt Hardy (Pinfall, elbow drop): I like Rob Conway. I really do. He’s a very sound technical wrestler, and his New-Orleans-as-filtered-through-Joe-Cocker theme music is terrific. However, his visual look…together in the ring with Matt Hardy, they pushed the needle of TEH GAY!!1!11!!! so high it almost broke. Until Conway changes his visual style a bit, any encounter with anyone named Hardy should be avoided.

The Big Show over Gene Snitsky (COR): When the most interesting aspect of a match is a discourse about the nature of human sexual fetishes by the announcers, you know that ignorance is bliss.

John Cena over Chris Jericho, I Quit World Title Match (Pinfall, F-U): Well, Jericho gets his time off for his Fozzy and family things, and, better yet, he gets to come back as a face when it comes time to un-fire him (by the way, it would be a stupid thing for him to come back to Smackdown, since they’re already overloaded with guys at his level). Kurt Angle, though, is a good choice for Cena’s latest opponent. He’s more credible than Jericho as a champion (from both the mark and smart standpoint), and hopefully he’ll make Cena look like the incompetent wrestler that he is. Well, he won’t, but I can always hope.

Angle Developments:

Pronounce Sentence: Gym Bunny, you have been found guilty of the heinous crime of interrupting a Shawn Michaels promo. You are hereby sentenced to become a victim of a Shawn Michaels promo, thus turning you into even more of a useless bitch than you already are. If your behavior continues, you will be further sentenced to a program with Shawn Michaels, thus burying you more effectively than a steroid test would. So it is written, so shall it be done.

Wooooo!: Those mentions that Flair has never held the Intercontinental Championship by Carly makes me think about whether an IC defense against Flair is in the cards, perhaps for the first night back on USA (you know, the night he was supposed to come back). Personally, there’s something I’d like to see, namely the Colons teaming up against, say, Flair and Trip (I’d prefer Flair and Reid, but he’s a little too young for that). Look, anything to make Carly more interesting, although I do have to admit that his promo skills are getting better. He didn’t look ridiculous with Flair there, and that’s really saying something.

Bimbos On Parade: So Candice is back on Raw, thus making the post-draft trade more ridiculous. And I have to suffer through the presence of the Ten-Buck Tramp on Mondays now, where she’s going to get pushed as a “bad girl”. Wilson, go join your husband in the unemployment line (or in Orlando after the non-compete ends, since you know he’s going to be one of the top guys on TNA’s list to get in). I don’t need this shit. Unless you guys pretend that the ring is the Ultra Room in the O’Farrell Theater during its heyday, I just don’t want to know.

What I do want to know is this: who got traded to Smackdown?

And that’ll close out this edition. If I don’t see you guys tomorrow in Moodspins, let me inform you that there probably won’t be a Short Form this weekend (I have plans that can change at the last moment), so I may not see you until next Tuesday. If that’s the case, have a good one.

Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!