Monday Night Rabble


Last night we Slammed the Summer.
Tonight we Raw the Monday Night.

Yeah that didn’t work.

It’s the report that gives every match 5 stars, because we can’t count past 2…
The only report that gets girls to show titty for a crappy Scott Keith book…

It could only be time for —


We are in the heels of, what I’m sure JR and King will tell us was the most amazing Pay Per View they have ever seen, Summerslam 05.

Joining us tonight are:
“The Man Without A Name” – Hernandez
“The Man Without a Face” – Eric
“The Girl From Ipanima” – Jenna
“The Girl With The Golden Boots” – Dani
“The Boy In The Plastic Bubble” – Bill
“The Girl Who Had No Nickname” – Laura
“The Man Who Knew Too Much” – Me

Before we begin – an update on the RABBLE DIVA SEARCH
As of 11:10, when I am going to post the column, the poll on the forum boards has not ended. I don’t know why, but it hasn’t. Very weird. This isn’t a work, this is legit. No idea why it hasn’t ended. More on this next week. Promise.

Come over the INSIDE PULSE FORUMS where this will all get sorted out.

Tonight we will get responses to some of the matches at Summerslam, and the Carlito’s Cabana with.. WOO! WOO! WOO! Ric Flair is in the house!

Starting the show off is the expected post-Summerslam videopackage. This Seether song wasn’t honestly that bad – I gotta say. So during the part where Shawn and Hogan shake hands – they go to this lighthearted well…
“Nice Enya there.” – Dani
“How shitty is that?” – Hernandez
“Bonanza!” – Eric

Yeah.. see. Coming out first is Shawn Michaels – sporting a yellow ensomb. The crowd is totally behind Shawn, proving that the fun heel push is over.
“And they aren’t in Canada…” – Eric

“As much as I hate to admit this…” – HBK
“I never actually had a smile..” – Me
“…Hogan was the better man.” – HBK

Shawn explains that Hogan was catlike. Hogan was superior. HBK could NOT compete and fell victim to the vicious ‘legdrop’. For the record he is saying this as it drips with sarcasm… it’s SOOOOO good! Shawn is subtly admitting to lying down, and this is, in fact, awesome.

Shawn states that Hogan is right now on his way to Florida until the fans give him what he wants (with the universal sign for cash). Sooo good. This is all interrupted by………… chris masters ……….

“He does have some awesome pyro” – Me
“He stole it from Goldberg” – Eric

Shawn is at first mesmerized by Masters’ pecs. Masters grabs the mic though and discusses, with a distinct lisp, how he watched HBK when he was a little kid. Shawn agrees with him until Masters lumps him in with Hogan. He’s fine with Masters stealing the spotlight, but thinks that Masters might be biting a bit more than he can chew.

Masters isn’t apparently ‘twying’ to ‘steaw’ the ‘spwotwight’ .. he’s ‘takin it’.

“The problem with you kids today is that you don’t know enough to know that you don’t know… you know? –You’ll get that one tomorrow. There is a pecking order. There is a ladder if you will. HBK at the top of the ladder, and then there’s Chris Masters … NOT at the top of the ladder. You want to get to the top, you figure you can push HBK off the top. The problem is at the top it’s a little hard to breath, the air is a little thin.” – Shawn

Masters makes a balding joke on Shawn. Shawn takes the joke, then decks Masters – tosses out Masters – we get a kick-up and Shawn gets one over on Masters. Nice.
“Even Powdered Toast Man is outshone by Shawn Michaels” – Bill

In the back, Jericho discusses how lucky Cena got. I’ll believe that. Tonight, apparently, Bischoff states, that Cena’s luck runs out. So tonight we get a rematch in a ‘You’re Fired’ match.. the loser of course.. gets fired.
“Sorry Jamie” – Hernandez
“Sorry honey” – Dani


Coming down now is KUUUURT ANGLE
“One Fish – Two Fish – Red Fish – Blue Fish” – Eric (with thanks to Michael)

Kurt’s wrestling tonight! Who is he facing, though?

Why is this not a feud match?

Lock up, and angle goes for the wrist lock, and Shelton goes for the gobehind, Angle rolls it into a headlock and Shelton picks him up for a side suplex. Nice opener.

While JR & King discuss how Angle doesn’t in fact suck – Shelton gets a waist lock, a takedown – which they both stand up from, and Angle turns it into a wristlock. They breakdown to brawling to the ropes, to a round of applause from the audience.

Angle then goes for the ‘strength test’ reach – then kicks Shelton in the gut and brings him down with an armbar.
“…reverse armbar… fujiwara armbar….” – Eric

Shelton fights up, and Angle spins around that wrist. Shelton hits the top rope, double leg flip over and then a hiptoss to Angle, reversing the armbar into his own. Totally sweet. They fight to their feet, and Angle counters with a hiptoss of his own – ANgle goes for the release German, and SHELTON LANDS ON HIS FEET! Angle charges Shelton, and Shelton drops the top rope.

“What a great open set!” – Me

Back in the ring – Angle goes for a 2 count, then locks in a tight neato crosslegged chinlock… neat. Shelton elbows out of it slowly. Shelton tosses Angle to the corner, charges and misses. He gets the german and a 2 count.

Angle picks up Shelton and now begins the stomping and kick fest.
“This is vintage, modern day Kurt Angle” – King
“…Hansel?” – Me

Angle picks up Shelton, standard suplex with two failed pin attempts. He moves it right into a scissorlock. Shelton once again fights his way out of it, but some clubbing blows end up getting Shelton tossed to the corner. Angle spears, but Shelton MOVES! Angle spins around and eats a spinebuster knocking both to the mat.

They both get to their feet, and Shelton gets the first punch.

Shelton goes nuts, flying crossbody, a few short armed clotheslines, a samoan drop, and a failed 3 count. He tosses Angle to the ropes, and goes for the dropkick – but Angle holds on. Angle goes in for the ankle lock, but Shelton kicks out. Shelton goes for the kick – caught – SPIN KICK for 2!
“Why does EVERYONE fall for that!” – Bill

Shelton climbs up to the top, but Angle follows up and RELEASE TOP TURNBUCKLE GERMAN! ONLY GETS 2!
“That was vintage post-modern” – Bill
“What!?!?!” – Dani (The graphic design major)

Angle comes in, goes for the Angle slam, but Shelton drops the DDT! TWO COUNT! Shelton gets to his feet, sizing up Angle. Goes for the Shelton drop, but gets reversed right into the Ankle lock! He drops to the mat.
“He’s tappin’ like a telegraph” – Bill



Angle comes back into the ring and sets up the chair in the middle of the ring. Once again wanting the ref to give him the medal.
“He needs to go after the title, I am such a huge Angle mark right now.” – Me

Coming later is the ‘You’re Fried’ match..
“You’re Fried?!?” – Me
“That’s what I read.. sorry.” – Eric


Hey… it’s Kerwin White! He represents ALL OF US! Racism exists everywhere, especially in Virginia. “Shelton Benjamin is not.. one of us. That’s because Shelton is not… White. If it’s not White, it’s not right” – Kerwin.

Hey, Maria is flouncing around in the back. She goes to adjust her shoe.. and who is there to play ‘Little Piggies’ – it’s Snitsky.
“..and THIS little piggy shoved itself up my butt.” – Bill

Gene is interrupted by Big Show. He refers to Gene as a freak and pervert, this from a man whose father’s casket was ridden by Big Boss Man. Gene bails and Maria wants to know what a pervert is.
“I’ve got a kitten in my car that will explain it to you.” – Bill

Coming out next is, battered, bruised, cut, and NOT FIRED… Matt Hardy!


Hey, what did I tell you .. it’s Matt Hardy. His shirt says, “I will not die.” His shirt was not apparently in last night’s match. Wait a sec… he’s got a match?!?!?! WHAT?!
“It’s good to know he got his ass kicked.. and now he has to face that..” – Dani

Totally confused booking

Ahhh… and before the match even begins.. here comes Edge! Conway comes right on in and stops THA, while Lita goes and oversexes the commentating booth. Sweet. Edge and Lita sit on top of the table while in the ring Conway goes and beats up on Matt, who is sporting a huge jagged gash on his forehead.
“Hey, Edge and Lita are blocking the ring” – Me
“They’re not watching the match, they’re watching the crack in Lita’s ass” – Bill
“I approve of that entirely.” – Me

In the ring, Conway has Matt in a sideheadlock, standing up into a sleeper. Matt drops down and responds with a jawbreaker.
“Matt doesn’t look like he’s fighting with a full tank” – JR
“Yeah.. he’s on ‘E'” – Edge
“Mmmm Rob Conway… your tights are soooo soft…” – Me

Matt finally gets ahead of the game and stands in the corner, pummeling the hell out of Conway, until the ref stops him. The ref pulls him away, and Conway lifts his legs – catching him face first. Conway climbs to the top, but Hardy charges up the turnbuckles – Conway gets the upperhand of the fists. He climbs up to the top. Drops the elbow for a full 3 count.

“Well we’re back to Matt’s career a year ago…” – Me

Edge comes into the ring, and Edge pummels some Matt Hardy head. Matt fights back – and the stiff fest continues. Edge gets him in the corner, shoves his head in between the mat and the steps.. and then KICKS the steps. Solidly. Matt is gushing again.
“I think he’s got a concussion.” – Dani
“I think he’s got 3 concussions.” – Bill

“Do you think Lita goes backstage and cries?” – Dani
“No, she goes and scours herself with brillo” – Me


It is time for zee Cabana! It is back by popular demand… ees a big one tonight. So big Carlito needs an apple. He then introduces the Natcha Boy – Ric Flai’

“One fish… umm…” – Bill
“Wooga Wooga Wooga” – Hernandez
“Woo!” – Bill
“Wooga!” – Hernandez

I have no idea what that exchange meant.. but it made me laugh.

Carlito welcomes Flair to the Cabana. Flair welcomes Carlito to Flair Country! Woo! Carlito thinks he can Woo better than Flair. He then Woos. The crowd boos so he declares that ‘Wooing is not cool’.

Carlito gets down to business. They discuss how Carlito used to watch Flair fight his father. Now that Carlito can see that his father was right, Flair isn’t that great. Carlito goes for the ‘You won the title 16 times.. you lost it 16 times’. Carlito though is a one time IC Champion, a title Flair never won. Bill goes gushy over Flair going for the IC title.

Flair then takes the mic and declares that he is not cool.. he is just – plain and simple – the NATCHA BOY! A limosine ridin’ – jet flyin’ – etc etc – sunuvagun
“Stewardass Harrassin'” – Dani

Me and Eric are waiting for the Space Mountain line, when Carlito spits the apple on him.. and Nature Boy pokes him in the eye. Natch goes nuts, right hands and some chops. Tosses him to the ropes and the big chop. He goes for the kneebreaker, and Carlito rolls out while Natch goes and drops the invisible elbow. We take a brief moment to explain to Laura and Dani why Flair elbows nothing.

“We’re lucky, he didn’t bleed from the apple spit” – Eric



Hey… It’s Not His Fault!

Another match that could be a feud?!?!?

Snitsky starts with the big hits to send Big Show to the corner. Show ain’t having it and spins him around, chops him turnbuckle to turnbuckle. Tosses Snitsky to the corner. Picks him up and shush’s the audience so he can chop him down.

They fight on the outside, and Snitsky and his backne – which as I wrote that Lawler says “Snitsky’s back looks like the underside of a Nestle’s Crunch bar” … ok, I can’t write that better. In the action, Snitsky is booting Big Show in the head. Two of them sends Show to the mat with a 2 count.

Snitsky goes for a suplex. Stopped. Reversed. Duh. Couple of quick clotheslines. A hiptoss.
“That hiptoss is dangerous when delivered by a 7′ man” – Ross
“CPR when delivered by a 7′ man is dangerous…” – Dani

Snitsky bails, and continues to bail.. walking past the video and out.


In the back – Bischoff sees a hooded man holding the title. Bischoff takes the moment to mock him.
“He really can’t see him” – Dani

Cena apparently didn’t hear him, as his iPod earbuds were in. Christ I hate earbuds. He asks if Bischoff heard him… then follows up with ‘I DIDN’T THINK SO!’ which we stop and Dani says it first..
“Did anyone expect a ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK’.” – Dani


Lance Cade & Murdoch promo…
“It’s like the Godwins?!?” – Hernandez

We get some new music, and who is it… hey, it’s Torrie Wilson and Candance.
“If they keep showing that spiral, I’ll do anything she says…” – Me
“I hope Trish comes out and kills them both.” – Hernandez

The girls have been traded to Raw apparently. They are here to cause trouble.
“They were just pissed that Orton kept shitting in their backpacks.” – Me

They have some tricks up their sleeves that will make them real happy. First though, they are here to introduce Diva Seach winner – Ashley! Ashley’s back to looking cute from last week’s roastbeef flap shirt. She’s just happy to share the ring with these girls.
“She doesn’t even know their names” – Laura

The girls go all bitter on Ashley. Then they surprise her with a kick to the gut. “..we didn’t see that coming..” – Dani
“Aww, I just lost the baby… again.” – Eric
“The same baby?” – Bill

“Shut up” – Eric

COMMERCIAL (Hey, Undertaker DVD comes out tomorrow)

We laugh once again at the Summerslam video package as Shawn shakes Hulk’s hand.
“Ayyyyyyy Heyaaaaaaaa” – Bill (Lion King theme)
“*whipcrack*” – Eric

Next week… Shawn Michaels accepts the Christh Mastherlock Challenge.

In the back Todd is with Chris Jericho. What is his feelings on tonight’s match.
“I’m goin on vacation!” – Hernandez

Well as far as Jericho is concerned, tomorrow John will be on the breadline without any money.
“Jamie, just so you know.. if Jericho loses, to make you feel better.. I will have sex with you.” – Dani



In the ring, Bischoff is down there with a bunch of security. Here comes Jericho!

You’re Fried – But I’m Laid

Oh.. and the champ is here…

Once again, they go nose to nose. Jericho goes for the slap, and Cena drops him down with a bunch of punches. Tosses Chris to the ropes, and a big sitdown hiptoss. Jericho goes and charges after him as Bischoff distracts him. He rolls him up for a foot on the rope 2 count pin.

Jericho with a big fist to Cena.. toss to the ropes, and a back elbow drops John. Two count, followed by a suplex. A couple of stomps, and some heads to the turnbuckle, chops, gut kicks. Jericho launches after Cena, but Cena ducks. Jericho falls to the ground, and it looks like he might have hurt his leg. Cena follows after and tosses Chris back in. Bischoff stops him, but Cena grabs him. Eric goes for the lowblow.
“(falsetto)I’m a bad bad man” – Bill


We back! Cena does the spinning side suplex. Cena comes after Jericho and hits the drop toe hold. Pushes Cena into the corner and does the 10 punches.. Cena pushes him off and falls to the mat as Jericho goes for the low dropkick. Chris picks up John with the big fist.. here comes the official PUNCH EXCHANGE ™

Cena hits the ropes, and eats the spinning heelkick…. CLOSE 2 count. Jericho chokes out Cena while taunting the ref. From there Cena gets a quick roll-up for 2. Jericho still has the momentum though as he picks up Cena, lifts him up to the top turnbuckle – goes for the superplex off the top top top. AAAAAAAANNNND! Dropped on his face.

Cena goes for the big splash.. Jericho rolls out. Jericho goes for the pin, legs on the ropes. THe ref catches it, and Jericho argues with him. Nice. The audience is split ONCE AGAIN! I love that. The punch exchange ™ begins again. Jericho ducks a punch, then eats 2 clotheslines. Toss to the turnbuckle, charge. Toss to the turnbuckle, and Cena eats Jericho’s boot. He goes for the bulldog, but Cena pulls up for the FU… Jericho rolls out and gets the Walls!!!! HE GOT THE WALLS, with Bischoff watching on.

Bischoff pulls the rope back, ala Batista!

Jericho pulls it dead center!

Cena almost tapping.

Cena is now fighting for the rope. NO NO NO NO.. err YES YES.. I’m so torn!?

HE GETS THE ROPE! Jericho breaks the hold, thinking he won. They argue for a moment about this. Jericho charges him and goes for the FU… he sells the weak legs… then HITS the FU.. They are BOTH knocked out. Cena crawls over, but Bischoff puts Jericho’s leg RIGHT on that rope.

Bischoff slips Chris the knucks. NICE!
“Power of the punch!” – Hernandez

Cena gets up, grabs his hair – Cena eats the knucks. Jericho ditches the brass knuckles. Chris pins.. 1…2……… HOLY CRAP HE GOT OUT OF IT?!?! TWICE! Bischoff is fighting on the outside with the ref. Jericho goes for the Walls, but Cena reverses it into a monkeyflip. RIGHT into Bischoff. Turns into the F.U.

1 – 2 – 3 – CENA HAS WON.


Bischoff grabs the microphone. And quite readily announces that Chris Jericho is not only a sunuvabich … he’s fired.
“..fried..” – Eric

Chris begs. That makes me sad.
“Is he going to make him bark like a dog?” – Dani

“You can’t fire me!! YOU CAN’T FIRE ME” – Jericho
“Lionhart.. no.. chickenshit” – Bill

And we come back to watch as Kurt Angle come in and german suplex John! SWEET! They are selling this as Bischoff’s plan. Cena eats a beatdown and an Angle Slam. Bischoff then declares Kurt the #1 Contender. Apparently by defeating Eugene and Shelton.
“One Fish… etc.” – All of us – and a new continuous joke begins.

And that.. is.. that…
Final thoughts?
“I was really hoping for that little bit of extra money from Shelton” – Laura
“First Raw that I watched the whole thing – it still sucked.” – Dani
“Flair’s gonna get the belt! WOO!” – Bill
“Post Summerslam, not what I was expecting..” – Hernandez
“Great Googily Moogily” – Eric
“I thought it was almost more solid than Summerslam” – Me
“Good show!” – Jenna

Until next week — ciao all.