SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF!
Me: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Mistress: What?
Me: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Mistress: WHAT?
Me: The college football season is starting soooooooooon!
Mistress: oh
Me: Isn’t that awesome?
Mistress: Well, I do like Spandex. Though I prefer latex to spandex, but a girl takes what she can get you know..which is why you are still around for now. Besides, there ain’t no way in hell one will ever be able to get those jocks into fetish wear…unless it’s pledge week.
Me: oh………….
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! And the very first of three parts of the COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW! Yes a three part preview to kick off the fact my column will for the next several months be dedicated to the insane sport of college football. The season officially starts SEPTEMBER 1st!!! And yes, unfortunately, that is not too far away. The summer is almost over. For many of you, slack-time on the job unofficially ends after Labor Day (which is just in two weeks!), for others it’s time for school, and for those of you who do both, you have my sincerest sympathies. Yes, Labor Day weekend will be the final vestige of freedom many people. A final weekend to get loaded and have a quickie. And when that weekend ends…it’s back to reality. But alas, we have football or more specifically college football. Now a lot of things have changed including teams changing from one conference to another, a coaching carousel that may have broken the all time record and a 119 (that’s a hundred and nineteen!) teams. Granted, only 58 of them really count, but still you never know! But I have compiled here in this very same column you are reading all you will ever need to know to understand the college football season 2005. We will do this in THREE Parts.
1) Analyze the conference changes.
2) Review all the coaching changes
3) Survey all 119 teams.
BUT, FIRST!
Let’s do shoutouts.
Shoutout to Nick whose NFL coverage is some of the best I’ve seen and it’s not even the regular season yet. Funny pictures too.
Shoutout to Eugene for giving the REAL scoop on the possible next phase of steroid scandals that could be around the corner. A good REAL scoop. Not hearsay, not blog crap, not let’s read the first link and then post it as news..but good decisive unprejudiced research into the topic. +2 Apple Martinis for Eugene.
Shoutout to Eric S for calling out Simmons as the weenie he really is.
Shoutouts to Oli Porter, Patrick N, and Steve Price for planning a rebellion and sharpening those guillotines. And I’m sure they’ll have another radio show around the time you are reading this column. They are taking over………………..
Ok, let’s do it!
Are you ready???????
Are you sure????????
Once you start, there is NO stopping.
Ok, you made your choice.
Let’s Goooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
CONFERENCE CHANGES
A few years ago, Miami (FL) announced they were leaving the Big East and going into the ACC.
And hell did not break loose.
People were like “ok”.
Some said “It devalues the Big East a bit, but it’s probably better for everyone that way.”
But most were like “ok.”
Then the ACC announced they were going to also take two other teams from the Big East.
And hell did not break loose.
The Big East sued a few of the schools that were talking to the ACC and some other people as well.
Some schools in the ACC did not want any of those Yankee schools in their southern conference.
But at the end all agreed it was ok if the ACC took Virginia Tech (the only school the other ACC programs would allow and besides VT had made its ambition to be part of the ACC very public. They had tried to get in since the 1960s).
People were like “ok”.
Some said “It devalues the Big East a bit, but it’s probably better for everyone that way.”
But most were like “ok.”
Then Boston College announced they too were leaving for the ACC
Then my friends…all hell broke loose.
The Big East had now become a cesspool of its former self and while still strong in basketball, they were no longer legitimate BCS conferece. So after the ACC raped the weaker Big East, the Big East decided to do the same thing and rape the weaker Conference USA by taking Cincinnati, Louisville, and South Florida. Of course these three schools didn’t even shut the door on the way out they were so excited to join a BCS conference and no longer get screwed by the mid-major hypocrisy. This of course had TCU going “Wait a minute, we’re a legitimate mid-major program and this is no longer a legitimate mid-major conference.” So they said “seeya CUSA” and left for the Mountain West which was the one true legitimate and competitive mid major left. Then, CUSA was like “Holy Shit. We’ve been raped and then our best kid ran away.” So they in turn realized if you can’t beat the game, join the game and they in turn raped a weaker conference, which was the MAC and took Central Florida and Marshall who of course signed the contract before even saying good-bye they were so happy. But that wasn’t enough for the CUSA, they weren’t gonna be the bitches and they decided to rape a second conference. This time the WAC and they took Rice, SMU, Tulsa, and UTEP who of course signed the contract before even saying good-bye they were so happy. The MAC however secretly said good riddance and decided that this was a blessing in disguise. However, the WAC was not satisfied. After seeing how ACC smacked the Big East which smote the CUSA which beat the MAC and burned the WAC, the WAC was like “dude, we’re not pacifists like those hippies in the MAC, we need revenge! We need blood! We need to rape somebody!” But the question was who? Who was weaker then the WAC? Then all of a sudden like a light bulb, it hit them. The Sun Belt Conference! So they put all the names of the teams into a hat, put on a blindfold and picked randomly, Idaho, New Mexico St, and Utah St. Then the Sun Belt Conference was like “WTF! What the hell did we do to anybody?” So they decided to just pick up the two independent teams left willing to go there, Florida Atlantic and Florida International. The End.
So to recap to the tune of Chad-Gad-Yah
Then came the ACC which smote the Big East which slew the CUSA which burnt the MAC and beat the WAC which bit the Sun Belt which took whatever what was left that ate the goat that my father bought for two zuzim…Chad-Gad-Yah!
Ok, Let’s Analyze this.
ACC
Added: Boston College (Big East)
This of course is a great move for the ACC as it turns them into a super-conference and gives them one of those nifty money making championship games. Is this a good move for Boston? At the end, probably not. Something tells me they will regret this.
Big East
Added: Cincinnati, Louisville, South Florida(CUSA)
Lost: Boston College (ACC) Temple (Ind.)
Putting basketball aside (in which they become THE conference), I think this came out as best as it could for the Big East. Remember, Virginia Tech never had any long term plans in the Big East and let’s face it, Miami was somewhat of an outsider…a big mean outsider. Temple did not leave, they were banished (for reasons that no one is still quite sure about). So in retrospect, they lost a historic program that really only has been just ok in the past couple of decades and gained a descent program (Cincinnati) a good program with BCS potential (Louisville) and a program that is still a work in progress but has tremendous potential (South Florida) if you have followed their meteoric succession in the past ten years.
C-USA
Added: Central Florida, Marshall (MAC), Rice, SMU, Tulsa, UTEP (WAC)
Lost: Army (ind) Cincinnati, Louisville, South Florida (Big East), TCU (MW)
This conference just completely freaked out and at the end is worse off because of it. Of all the teams they got, only a couple of these teams have good short term potential. Yes, any of these teams could turn around and do a Kansas State in 50 years, but this conference doesn’t have 50 years. Only Marshall is a good legitimate program. Is UTEP? Once Price leaves, they will most likely disappear again. Rice, SMU, and Tulsa are mediocre programs that will make a bowl game once every six years or so and not do much else. Central Florida has some potential though. Due to all this congestion, the few good teams the CUSA might have will be brought down to a lower level.
Independents
Added (you know what I mean): Army (CUSA), Temple (Big East)
Army realized they could not be competitive in the CUSA and left in order to make their own schedule. They might have done that too soon because then the kablooie happen and now Army could probably do very well in the CUSA. Temple’s program has been in a long rut and is just a few bad years away of folding unfortunately.
MAC
Lost: Central Florida, Marshall (CUSA)
Believe it or not, the MAC has somewhat improved. 14 teams was a bit too much for a mid-major conference anyway and now they can concentrate on being the mini-Big Ten they once were and focus on Midwest recruiting. Blessing in disguise.
Mountain West
Added: TCU
The Mountain West is now unarguably THE mid-major conference or if you would prefer, the “seventh conference.” Outside the ACC, they are the only true winners of this debacle. TCU is a good program that every few years makes noise and has a run in the Top 25, which of course describes every team in this conference. Good fit for both parties.
Sun Belt
Added: Florida Atlantic, Florida Intl. (ind)
Lost: Idaho, New Mexico St, Utah St. (WAC)
This will help the Sun Belt conference in the long run. It gives the conference more of a dixie feel which will help it to establish a fanbase within the south.
WAC
Added: Idaho, New Mexico St, Utah St.
Lost: Rice, SMW, Tulsa, UTEP (CUSA)
They lost some Flotsam and got some Jetsam. See above for my comments about UTEP. This conference is still ruled by Boise and Fresno. None of this changes that. However, the Mountain West has stated they are not done expanding….watch out WAC!
Part two in a couple days as we look at the coaching carousel. And you thought THIS was confusing…..
RASSLING STUFF
I will name reason #3459329 of why I can never be part of the IWC. On Raw, Torrie and Candice began an angle of playing Busty Evil Lesbians. And everybody was like oh my god, that is so classless, why can’t they be mature, that is so annoying, blah blah blah blah. I mean seriously, because maybe I’m the insane one here, but I really wanna know, what the hell are you people complaining about. We got Busty Evil Lesbians! That’s Busty Evil Lesbians, man! There is nothing wrong with Busty Evil Lesbians. Any show that promotes Busty Evil Lesbians should not only be watched but recorded and then rewatched and then put away in a cool unhumid placing to be viewed again in the future. Ok, that’s going too far. But Busty Evil Lesbians! Look…
Busty Evil Lesbians! And one of them is carrying a football..ain’t that sweet, folks? But alas, most of you believe they are taking away air time from a hard worker or something rediculous…..I don’t get it..I just don’t get it.
See you soon for the coaching carousel..now those guys are some real beauts.
