Hello out there – I’m FLEA. You may know me from – nah, you probably don’t. I’m not *that* Flea, I’m *the* FLEA. Hell, go check out wrestling. Better yet – best not. We are talking Cooking in the Culture section, and it’s about time these boys did something constructive
By the way…who is in charge here? Widro? Daniels? The only Culture those catfish have is the rotten milk in their refrigerator. Ah – I see – Lucard. Hey, that guy knows what’s doing. Tickle ME Ellmo is here! Oh yeah – A sweet Italian woman. I swapped recipes with her one time – I think. I remember rambling on about the blue cheese stuffed filet mignon I was cooking…served with angel hair pasta with a proscuitto – based meat sauce. No, really.
You see…I love food…I love cooking…and I love Italian women. I am married to one…and the bitch can’t cook. Can’t even boil the water for the pasta – which is odd. She can bake anything. Anything but potatoes. So, while she stays the hell out of my way – I make sure to feed the family more than cardboard pizzas and boxed macaroni and cheese…
But, things weren’t always as easy as stocking up on a ton of food, making sure the pantry and freezer is full with anything that I want to cook – whenever I feel like doing something spectacular. My daughter loves days like that – her job is to fetch what I need, throw the shit in the bowl and make goddamn sure Daddy has his “mixture” right to make everyone’s mouth water. I’ll get to those recipes someday. Cool section we have here – thanks Lucard. And Widro – eat something, you anorexic prick…oops. Sexy Boy! The recipes are RIGHT HERE.
Now then – sometimes, you may only have about $20 bucks to blow on dinner. Instead of getting pizza or hamburger, go to the Grocery Store. Unfortunately, most people in that situation, when in a store, buy in quantity. Which means bullshit like a month’s supply of Ramen Noodles, or bologna that’s only going to be green in 3 days. Or maybe you plan ahead – a cart full of Chef Boy R Dee. I hope that bastard is dead. He has ruined more physiques and turned more people off to quality meals than all night drinks, every night, at the Bar of Your Choice. So – here is a recipe that you may need to play around with to get right, but it’s good – cheap – and very worthwhile
First things first – in the house, apartment or dorm room, you should always have the following staples*:
* quick note – I’ll get around to talking about Crock Pots and George Foreman Grills. For now, we will stick to this meal
1) An Electric Skillet – you can pick one up for about $15.00. This is a must. ANYTHING can be cooked on a good electric skillet and it’s temperature regulated, which is always important. The worst thing someone can do is overcook or under cook something, trying to “guess” how hot the pan or the oil in the pan is on a stove top. Most of the time, you’ll end up scorching something beyond recognition…or, in the case of cooking with oil, you’ll smoke the place up like a Cheech and Chong movie. Or worse yet – you’ll be to scared to let the oil get to the right temp – and WAM! Your allegedly fried food will taste like Bulgarian Bag Rot. So, go to Wal* Mart…preferably Wal* Mart…and invest in a good Electric Skillet. Pancakes, French Toast, Eggs of all kinds…as well as Fried Chicken, Porkchops and the meal below will put that baby to good use. At a proper 350 degrees, which is right on. Also, most are non-stick, which is helpful if you are a slob. No fuss, no muss.
2) Food Items – always have Flour, Milk, Eggs, Butter, Salt, Pepper, Garlic and Bread. The spices are easy – they never go bad. Stay away from fresh garlic, unless you are using it that day…trust me – you’ll forget about it – six months later, you’re f*cked trying to use it. You can buy a jar full of Minced that will last for several months.
Flour stays good for awhile – always keep it in the fridge. Milk, Eggs, Butter and Bread do not. I don’t mean to be an asshole, but friends of mine that are supposedly upstanding, contributing members of society, are dumb pricks that never fail to have expired milk available when all I want is a splash to go in my drink. That is totally unacceptable. Never mind their bread abuse- open the pantry and I could cure what ails me with the penicillin that’s on the shelf. If it helps…buy milk by the half-gallon. That’ll get you through the week, or at least a few days. Keep the bread in the fridge. Eggs by the six, if you don’t eat them all the time.
3) Get a couple bottles of good cooking oil. I like Peanut Oil, because it cooks hot and doesn’t smoke, but Vegetable Oil or Corn Oil works okay. Again, buy in bulk. A big bottle can last you for a year
4) Always have a good supply of Ziploc Bags. No other brand. Gallon size, quart size. Leftovers rudely shoved in the fridge in low rent plastic bags means a bad meal the next day. Ziplocs.
5) Measuring cups. No one in their right mind gives a rats ass about teaspoons and half pints. Get a batch of four (1 cup, half cup, 1/3 cup and 1/4 cup) and be done with it. Once you learn how to cook well, you do it by sight and taste anyway – all that measuring is only for TV and amateurs
6) A good metal spool (large) and a good set of tongs. That’s them there grabber things. A good whisk. That’s the stirrer thing. It’s a must have – you try to beat or whip things with a fork or spoon – you’ll be pissing up a rope. Great – beat, whip and piss. Shaddup, you perverts. Stainless steel for all items
7) Aluminum Foil and Saran Wrap. Reynolds suggested for both. Good mileage out of it – and don’t worry about shelling out for brand names – do you ever buy “generic toilet paper”? Well, I don’t. Sometimes it pays to spend an extra 50 cents
8) Saucepans – get a 3,2 and 1 quart combo. Non-Stick
Okay – now that we have the staples out of the way, you are on your way to cooking on a Low Budget. How about a recipe?
Cubed Steak with Mashed Potatoes, Corn and Bread
Here is what you do – stroll into the store. Never mind the madness at the 10 item aisle. It’s not any of your business and when it comes the time – stay the hell away from there, even if you have 10 items or less. Nothing good can come from it…it will only lead to agony, gloom(chen) and despair. We “power shop”, which means buying a bunch of shit all at once, which normally keeps us away from…yep – the Manager is always hovering around and frowns upon walking up to the register with an open beer. There have been times I only needed less than 10 – a few cases of beer (which counts as one, hawr) and maybe a couple steaks or on-sale chicken and ran into said Manager. “What’s with the beer?” ME: having a party. “No – the open one”. ME: Just paying, thankya verymuch. Creepy scene. Always go to the other aisles…hang out – the magazines never fail to be entertaining – and…Jesus – where do you have to be?
Stop by the meat section. Right by the steaks will be a four or six pack of “Cubed Steak” – you can’t miss it. It’ll look like it’s been beaten by a drunk Meat Monger. I mean Butcher. Monger is the Fish guy, for those of you keeping track. Grab a pack – on sale for around five bucks and move along…don’t ring the bell. Or if you do – make sure you have a kid with you, the jerk will have no choice but to be nice. Contrary to what The Food Network would have you believe – butchers are not your friend.
Next up – get some potatoes. Here’s where “real” cooks will shit in your oatmeal. Always buy Instant Mashed Potatoes – unless your store has the new Country Crock / Like Restaurant Cook Em Quick Style. Those are the nuts. NEVER make your own Mashed Potatoes, unless you know what you are doing, or think you do…ha ha ha. Chances are, you’ll do nothing more than make a soup that ain’t edible. I’ll come back to that, someday….
Instant Mashed Potatoes – Hungry Jack works. How to make them is right on the box. Do that. And to hell with the brand that says “Real Idaho” – they are made in Michigan. Phonier than a Priest in a Strip Club. Kinda of like Heineken. IMPORTED. From where? Connecticut? Get bent.
After that – Canned Foods. Once again, quell the urge to buy fresh – if you get in the mood to make something else some day, canned veggies will always be your friend. Couple Cans of Corn. Grab some Peas and Greens while you are there. Green Giant is a good brand. Usually 2 for a buck.
Also – if you can afford it, and are of age…get some beer. I always need something to cook by….and it ain’t the window…you just spent 20 bucks, tops
Home. Got food. Got the Staples. C’mon, Let’s Cook!
By the way – this meal is for two (or two and a kid) – or for you, with leftovers
* * * * * *
Electric Skillet – plug it in – temp at 350. Add the oil. It will take about 8 minutes to get it right…perfect. More things to do…grab a beer. Open
Take a gallon size Ziploc Bag. Add in two cups of Flour. Then 3 of the Cubed Steaks
If you have to measure – I think it’s about – f*ck it…salt until you think it’s enough and then add pepper until you think it’s right
shake the bag
Let ’em sit for about 5 minutes. That should give enough time for the oil to be hot enough and to get around to the next step
Very important!!!! Have the cover for the skillet ready. It will be needed
Oil is hot – turn the skillet down to 200. Crack open another beer. Or keep sipping, if need be.
In about two minutes – remove the steaks from the bag – shake of the excess flour – you’ll need it later. Add the steaks to the skillet. 3 minutes on one side…flip with the tongs. The side flipped up should be a nice shade of brown. After flipping, cover.
Time for a beer.
You need to let that cook for a around 30 minutes. Put out a plate to prepare for later. Eventually you’ll need to remove the steaks, and waiting until that last minute is a pain in the ass.
In the meantime – cook the Mashed Potatoes as described on the box. Easy like Sunday Morning. Quick Tip – if you haven’t messed around with Instant Mashed, please use the measurements. For an instant food it’s easy to make a mess of it, for some reason. Not as foul as screwing up real mashed potatoes, but you are liable to get laughed out of five neighborhoods and your inheritance if you f*ck up reading from a box. Cooking time is only about 6 minutes.
Open the Can of Corn. 2 choices:
Microwave: Drain the water out of the corn. Dump into a bowl, add butter and cover. 3 minutes
Stove Top: Don’t drain the water – just throw it in a small (1quart) saucepan and add butter. About 5 minutes. Make sure you stir
Never add salt, unless you are some kind of freak. That water in the can of corn is sealed with has enough.
In about 10 minutes you have the potatoes and corn done – set those aside.
Hang out for a bit. Have another beer. If you are cooking for someone other than yourself, regale the company with a classic cooking joke
“You know why the chef is so mean”?
“Because he beats the eggs and whips the cream!!”
Oh The Wit
Or watch SportsCenter
After 30, the meat will be done. Remove to a plate and cover.
Here is the fun part. Tilt the skillet to the side and mop up the all but about what you think is a couple spoonfulls of oil. Paper towels work for this – don’t worry about setting the place on fire. But, it’s in your best interest to have the water running in the sink. Take the oily paper towels and run them under the water.
In the skillet – you should have left the aforementioned oil and some “meat drippings”. That’s the technical term for “the stuff that’s left from cooking the steaks”. And that’s a good thing. Grab the whisk.
Add a half cup of flour. The drippings, leftover oil and flour will make a nice mixture, if you use the whisk. Stir…and keep stirring. Turn the temp on the skillet up to around 300. While the skillet is getting hot – keep stirring. I hate to sound like a broken record, but this is very important. Stirring like this will keep the lumps out of the gravy…AND THAT’S what are making here kids…good ol’ melt in your mouth Southern Gravy!
Okay – by the time the skillet is hot, you should have a nice mixture – brownish color. Perfect. Grab some milk and measure out a cup. Add to the mix. It will bubble a little, but that’s okay. Stir some more. And another cup of milk and keep stirring.
At this point – unlpug the skillet. The gravy should be a little think, but don’t worry. Keep stirring. In about a minute, add another half cup of milk and stir. Let it sit for about 2 minutes.
Steaks, Potatoes and Corn are done. Scoop the gravy out into a bowl and cover. Wipe the skillet clean.
* * * * * *
Dinner is done. Grab a plate – one steak for you, some mashed potatoes – cover both in the gravy… add some corn and a two slices of white bread. Eat.
And that’s it – a fabulous meal – on the cheap. Going against my better nature, the perfect drink with this is a nice glass of cold milk. One of the few meals that is not accentuated with some form of booze.
Try this out. Like I said at the beginning, this one takes a few times to get right. But keep trying, you will thank yourself, and maybe thank me.
Cooking Fer The Commoners, I’m FLEA
FLEA – ryderfakin@yahoo.com
