Estelle Costanza: Well, I’m “out there”.
George Costanza: No, you’re not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes, I am.
George Costanza: No, you’re not! Because I’m “out there”, and if I see you out there, there’s not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
-from the Seinfeld episode where George’s mom is back on the dating scene.
Welcome back to The Bootleg. Longtime Friends of the Bootleg (as well as the one or two enemies I’ve made in recent weeks) know that the weekly intro to this column is a self-serving show of non-music, mostly made to mock myself.
Sometimes, however, I can channel Lance Storm and be serious for a minute.
In two and a half years on the beat, you readers were with me when Mrs. Cameron’s Krusty Home Pregnancy Test came back positive.
(True story: the actual test result wasn’t a little pink “+” or blue “-“”¦all it said was “Run N*gga, Run!”)
Seven months later, you were all in the delivery room with me as Kid Cameron was cut out of his mother, nine weeks earlier than expected.
Basically, you’re all pretty much family to me, if you’ve been reading the Bootleg for more than a minute. So, I hope that y’all will continue to let me crash on your couch, eat the big piece of chicken and leave the toilet seat up as I break this urgent news bulletin:
My mother is “out there”.
Ah, but this wouldn’t be the Bootleg without the backstory.
My parents separated in December 2001, about 12 weeks after me and Fiancée Bootleg got engaged. They didn’t see each other again until the day before our wedding. Talk about scary”¦I had seen enough ABC Afterschool Specials to know that my old man could’ve been concocting a kidnapping-cum-custody scheme against my brother and me.
Not sure how the whole “parental custody of two guys in their 20s” would’ve worked, but I’m betting that Steve Carell & Will Ferrell are concurrently working on separate scripts.
Anyways”¦there were no worries during the wedding and my parents’ divorce was finalized last year, I think. And, that’s where it should’ve ended for my middle-aged African-American mother. I mean, she doesn’t go to church which, to my people, is like a daytime nightclub, with a dash of “Jesus”, a pinch of “Christ” and two pounds of tithe.
Last Saturday, we received a call from my mother to let us know she was “in the area” and wanted to stop by “with a friend”. Never mind that our respective “areas” are about 100 miles apart from each other (that’s a two-hour drive in typical traffic) and she never comes down to San Diego without first”¦wait a minute:
“”¦with a friend?”
As in shorthand for “boyfriend”? Heavens to Allah, I am not ready for this. Her and”¦weekend dad arrived at our doorstep, as I wondered whether Advil could alleviate an eventual aneurysm. But, before Aaron Jonathan Cameron could go all Jonathan Taylor Thomas on this interested interloper, I discovered that”¦I kind of liked him.
He’s a Creole brutha from Louisiana and his speaking tongue is textured with equal parts Paul Prudhomme and Jake Delhomme. Y’know, all “What’chu say, shrimp etouffé! From Baton Rouge, it’s Lash LeRoux!” And, so forth.
And, just like in the made-for-TV movies, it took about an hour and a half for the kid to come around. “How ironic. My crusade against (this man) has come to an end so formulaic, it could have spewed from the PowerBook of the laziest Hollywood hack.”
Or, The Goodness!
Even I Wouldn’t Go There
The festering remains of The Rolling Stones began their North American tour at Boston’s Fenway Park on Sunday. Awkward? Yeah, a little”¦y’see, while the Red Sox were on the road, it seems that Curt Schilling’s sycophantic self-serving act was left behind where it overflowed, all week, through the locker room.
Don’t believe me?
Well, how else do you explain a 20-year-old woman breaking both of her ankles and one of her wrists, while attempting to climb up the rafters during the Stones’ show at Fenway? The woman remains in stable condition, while police determine what, if any, charges she’ll face.
Well, it’s good to know that “Idiot” is no longer just the ID for sh*tty autobiographies. Now, I know that this stance won’t exactly endear me to the people in Beantown, but we all know what the police should’ve done to her when they first spotted Spider-Girl.
Remember the aftermath of last year’s ALCS between the Sox and Yankees?
That’s right”¦police should’ve sent her back to New York to suffer through a long, cold what-might-have-been winter.
What?
Where did you think I was going with this?
Oh, that’s just sick. Rot in hell, you ghouls.
I Thought Magnum Was a Brand of Condoms?
Hey, here’s something you don’t see everyday: 50 Cent, the plaintiff! Last Friday, Fiddy filed a federal lawsuit against a Philadelphia car dealership that, allegedly, ran advertisements using his unauthorized image. 50 is seeking $1.5 million in damages.
Now, if I cared about fair n’ balanced coverage, I’d tell y’all that there’s this big ol’ backstory involving a local Philly radio station and a voice-over that 50 did for a Dodge Magnum giveaway the station was running. But, we all know that I’m not about balance, so let’s cut right to the chase: who among us would be moved by 50 Cent”¦to buy a ride just because he endorses it?
Now, we’re not talking one of his crappy CDs or G-Unit T’s. This is a car that a Dodge dealership decided would benefit from sticking Fiddy’s bullet-ridden, craggy countenance next to it.
Did I miss something?
Is the market for Dodge Magnums nothing but 16-year-olds called Q’ueeleesha? Does the front counter at White Castle really pay that well? And, where will Q’ueeleesha’s third and fourth required child safety seats fit?
(See, Boston”¦I offend everyone. Everyone, I tells ya.)
Featuring Special Guest Speaker: Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Well, it’s almost September, and here in America that means the return of pro football, back-to-school kids getting clipped in the crosswalk and the almost-out-of-our memories annual memorializing of (wait for it) Tupac Shakur.
Did you know he died nine years ago next month? Yep”¦and those of you in and around Stone Mountain, Georgia might want to make your way to the Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts. On September 13, the Center will unveil a seven-foot-tall statue of the deceased sh*t-stirring lyricist.
Tupac’s opportunistic parental unit, Afeni, has announced that the unveiling ceremony is free for all who attend and had this to say with regards to the upcoming event:
“This statue will serve as a reminder to all those who visit of the love and hope for peace my son always held in his heart.”
Oh, well, of course. That’s why the ceremony will be held inside the Bomb First Botanical Gardens adjacent to Hit ‘Em Up Hall.
So, is Tupac the worst-ever immortalized monument to one man? Well, I’m told Tupac’s statue now makes it a three-way tie for worst, with Philadelphia’s favorite fictitious fighter and history’s greatest monster. A convicted sex felon alongside the men respectively responsible for substandard sequels and four years of liberal lethargy?
Sounds about right. But, what would happen if someone decided to combine all three statues into one?
This ‘Body of Evidence’ is Starting to Sag
Unshaven ’80s n’ ’90s superstar, Madonna is heading to court over a line of lingerie reportedly inspired by a series of nude photos taken of her more than 25 years ago. “Nude 1979” is a line of bras and panties based on a series of shoots by acclaimed American photographer Martin Schreiber of a 21-year-old Madonna, while she was just a dancer trying to make it in New York. Madonna was reportedly paid $30 for the fun of photographing her and the lifetime rights to the eventual images. A spokesperson for Madonna said:
“This lingerie is misleading the public because Madonna is in no way affiliated with it.”
OK, a little perspective here”¦it’s been a good 15 years since anyone gave a damn about Madonna’s undies. And, her pointy bras have long since gone the way of the pog. Today, she’s three years and a shade under five decades of age (she’s pushin’ 50) and I wouldn’t want her name associated with my undergarment merchandise.
Curse you Sex in the City for keeping alive the myth that middle-aged divas are desirable. While not nearly as egregious as The Golden Girls’ “septuagenarians-in-the-sack” concept or Bob Dole and Mike Ditka discussing erectile dysfunction, it’s still high time we draw a line in the sand with these soccer moms in stretch pants trying to pass for pretty.
Just because Kim Cattrall and her crew bared their misshapen mosquito-bite boobies in every other episode, doesn’t mean”¦hey, wait a minute. Did anyone ever notice that Sarah Jessica Parker was the only one of the lead actresses on the show to never take off her top?
Personally, I don’t know what she was so shy about. As you can see here, she’s got a beautiful nude body and the cowboy ensemble gives off that “get along little doggie” vibe.
Boy, Am I Glad I Called That Guy!
Dateline: Pittsburgh, PA”¦U.S. District Judge Donetta Ambrose has ruled that a 14-year-old student shall be readmitted back into school after he was expelled this past spring. Back in May, Anthony Latour was kicked out of school when officials determined that his raps were potential threats against classmates and faculty.
The Pittsburgh Police were contacted and Latour was charged with making a terrorist threat and reckless harassment. This is the only portion of Latour’s rhymes that were released to public:
So, watch what you say about me, I’m everywhere, son
And, the word of mouth is that I’m carrying guns
Now that I’m comin’ for you/What the F you gonna do?
I come double with that pump/tons of slugs that will punish you
Once more, with feeling”¦Latour was allowed back into school. Now, at the risk of getting into a First Amendment mess, allow me to ask y’all a question: With everything you know about the state of this country today, would you feel more threatened by those lyrics coming out of the mouth of a studio gangsta like Dr. Dre or a high school freshman who’s having one bad day?
Have we learned nothing from Danny McGrath?
Y’know”¦Danny McGrath. Come on, people”¦Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison“¦that Danny McGrath. He kept his adolescent angst all inside until it unexpectedly seeped to the surface at the end of the third act.
Then again, that might not be the best example, since Danny didn’t shoot up the school, as much as he shot, well”¦one guy”¦which, actually ended up saving the life of Billy Madison in the process. And, more importantly, Billy Madison was just a movie.
Admittedly, a movie that gave us all Bridgette Wilson’s breakthrough role”¦at least before her career was captured and killed by Sampras the Hedgehog.
Sometimes the News Nas Just Writes Itself
Last week, in this space, I passed along the rumor that Nas had spent $2 million on a beat by the Neptunes. Longtime Friends of the Bootleg and two of my favorite writers, in their own right, shared their thoughts. First up is “Little Things” John Haley:
Haley: Is there a beat out there that is worth 2 million dollars?
Haley: Apparently so
Haley: And by default, I have to hear it
Haley: What say you to that?
ajcameron13: Absolutely…like the gummi Venus di Milo that homer had to have on the simpsons…so rare, so precious and so damn ridiculous
Haley: YES!
Haley: Mmmm precious Venus
Haley: I love nas
Haley: No matter what ridiculous shit he says
Haley: He still gave us it was written and illmatic
Haley: I can forgive him for whatever else going forward
ajcameron13: Ditto…I should’ve linked to the actual news story because it was so absurdly hilarious with quotes from busta rhymes (“It’s them drums! Them drums, kid! This beat is the future!”)
Haley: And if a 2 mil dollar beat is going to be produced, it must come from the v-a
Haley: It would be our legacy
ajcameron13: I just hope nas didn’t have to secure a bank loan for the beat…
ajcameron13: Can you imagine him explaining that
ajcameron13: “But it’s them drums…”
“¦and, you know Dr. Phil Watts, Jr would have something to say:
“So (Nas) wants to spend 2 mil on a Neptune beat, huh? How much you want to bet that this ‘highly sought-after’ beat sounds exactly like every other Neptune beat ever made, complete with Pharrell Williams all up in the hook?
Nas gets mad whenever people urge him to make more albums like Illmatic (which ISN’T HARD), yet he keeps trying to make himself ‘marketable’ for the 106 & Parkers, looking like a damn fool. And his attempts at portraying himself to being the Hip-Hop version of Jesus makes Kanye West look humble in comparison!
I just want to smack the sh*t out of him every time he goes that route!”
General Haberdashery: (Worked) Shoot Comments Edition!
Last week’s column marked the 30-month anniversary for The Bootleg. And, what better way to celebrate than to shunt me off the main page after about four hours (1:00 AM – 5:00 AM on the West Coast). From high-traffic time headliner to early-morning curtain jerker?
It’s like I’m carpooling with Chris Benoit.
So, since you’re not likely to see these links, me thinks I can finally speak freely on my IP peers. Just pretend that I’m talking on a DVD with an awful “audio/visual high school class” quality and some of my matches from 25 years ago at the end:
Fernandez must think you’re all interested in his sordid tales of self-mutilation and gas. Cause and effect? I couldn’t tell you since I never read past his opening monologue of links. The rest of the SSS is pretty much “where the entertainment ends”.
Mathan goes to a Common concert and still finds time to criticize his roommate and the free ride to the show. Let’s just hope that this week’s column doesn’t cut into the other 12 he does. Can “Mathan on Figures” be far behind? Let’s hope so.
Shawn, MS thinks he’s so big because he lives in New York, has met Matthew Michael and broke bread(sticks) with Tony Yayo. Well, I once served “Cindy” from Three’s Company and “Mama” from Mama’s Family. That’s two legit ’70s celebrities to your “Matthew Pseudonym” and “Tony Convicted Felon”, mister.
Gloomchen went and changed the way we do album reviews around here. That means more streamlined and succinct commentary”¦on bands you’ve never heard of. And, how come she’s the only music writer that doesn’t have to share a day with another columnist? God, I need boobs.
KDP came to work at the IP offices sick this week and likely infected everyone who came into contact with him. He also uses Greenpeace as analogy for another IP staff writer, when he knows that liberal tree-hugging do-gooders are the domain of Eric S.
(Obligatory Disclaimer: The above was a cheap gimmick to link my peers, no beef or drama should be inferred. Except, between me and that one writer”¦)
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. He returns from his sojourn to Syracuse with an appreciation for the birthplace of bad writers weather. He’s got thoughts on Kathy Griffin, NBC’s The Office and a trailer he saw, prior to seeing The 40 Year Old Virgin. Hey, news on trailers! No wonder Rutherford fired his ass.
Also, be sure to check out Joe over at The Film Experience. His motto: “I’m not doing A-material for charity!” It takes him just over 30 words to pimp himself, but he still finds time to cover Jude Law’s c*ck, The Doom Generation and Woody Harrelson’s Oscar chances. Sounds like someone has been smoking the clothes in Harrelson’s closet again.
A is for me.
M is TV Mathan. He professes his love for the late-night syndicated institution, Cheaters and actually finds something in the cesspool of summer programming to praise. Ooh, and there’s a special guest appearance from me, without any of the inside jokes and inherent arrogance. (“Just look at me”¦”)
Junk Mail
This week, it’s That Bootleg Guy vs. The City of Detroit. Vegas isn’t posting any odds, but if I were playing the Lions, I’d open as a 4 ½ point favorite. Also in the mailbag, a tease to next week’s very special edition of this column and I steal Salemi’s glory.
Maybe I’m taking your written words a little too seriously, but why do you spend so much time bashing every other state, city and community in the U.S. and praising California as the greatest state in the union? In case you didn’t know, the mayor’s for both Detroit AND San Diego were on Time Magazine’s worst mayor’s list, so it’s not like you’ve got room to talk”¦Michael S.
Taking me too seriously? Hmm, that usually only happens with my fellow members of the music staff. (That’s a joke! I’m kidding!) And, I don’t know what column you’re reading, but most of the bashing here is at my own damn expense. But, I’m sure your mayor could beat up our mayor. Yeesh.
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Listen to you”¦acting like your Bougie middle-class azz would last 10 minutes in Detroit. You better hope Mrs. Bootleg can fight, cuz it’s gotta be hard to throw down from behind your keyboard”¦Adrian A.
Well, there’s one more potential Christmas vacation destination that the Cam Fam has to cross off our list. Y’all think New Orleans is still mad at me? Yeah, they probably are. And, is that really how you spell ‘bougie‘? Hmm, I guess it is. (Don’t tell you-know-who Erhardt I posted that link.)
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So, ordinarily I’d send pages and pages of righteous indignation after someone not from the D had the audacity to slander (our city & mayor). However…I can’t really argue (your point). That is, in fact, “ghetto”. If you saw the dancing, singing, Ben Vereen-esque “Mo’ Tea, suh?” that was running against him, you would understand the consternation we’re feeling over here. Anyway, love the column, your head’s too big, blah blah. Peace”¦J.R.
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What’s up AJC? Just wanted to say that your riff on “Black Movies of the 1990s” had people looking at me funny in my cubicle since I was laughing so hard. If you and The Movie Guy need a new collabo feature, you should do something to mark (and mock) that era of “Strictly Business”, “Woo”, “Sprung” and “B.A.P.S.” Is next week too soon?…Unsigned
Well, the good news is that the Bootleg’s favorite “Movie Guy”, Joe Reid, and I will be collaborating on something for next week. But, the bad news is that I can’t give away any details, other than to say it’s called Black Actress “Survivor” and it’s outrageously offensive. Seriously, Mathan will be writing a Moodspins column about it mere minutes after reading it and Michaelangelo will be the first to respond in the “comments”. Going out on a limb there.
===
“¦before I forget, I wanted to let you know that “Send Her My Thug” may have been the funniest four words in Bootleg history. A reference to Journey mixed with the definitive dissing of P. Diddy? Keep up the Goodness”¦M.P.
I wish I could take credit for that, but actually Nick was the man who”¦um, proofread the piece after I wrote it! I mean, my readers know how much I loves me some Journey!
Join us next week for a special Labor Day Edition of the Bootleg, where I write for the five or six hits I get on holiday weekends! Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13!
