ENTRANCE SPIEL:
Hello. It has been a most unusual week. In fact, it’s just been a most unusual summer in general. My travels are over for now and I’m just killing time in the waiting room of life in between leaving work and starting another degree. Things are just incredibly vague right now and I’ve wound up watching far more movies in the past couple of weeks than any sane person should be able to. The best one? The French Connection. The worst one? Stealth.
As for wrestling, it’s pretty much slap-bang half-way in between Gene Hackman’s driving skills and Jamie Foxx’s non-character. WWE may have just come off of their supposed second biggest show of the year (in reality it’s a distant third behind the Royal Rumble) but they have no real momentum to build upon. Raw is treading water until returning to the USA Network and being honoured to once again be graced by the divine presence of Triple H. Smackdown is in no real rush to get around to building towards No Mercy and has taken to peddling a match that nobody asked for in JBL/Batista III as their main event for their first Friday night show. Then there’s TNA and ROH, the former just biding their time until the Spike TV debut and the latter still with a champion that is contracted to WWE. In fact, the biggest bits of news are still of the “What If?” variety, this time with regards to Chris Jericho as well as Bret Hart.
So where do we go from here? Well, let’s see…
WWE SUMMERSLAM 2005: AFTERMATH
United States Title Match:
Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit
Generally speaking I don’t like to encourage these kinds of things but, well, just click here. This match was just pure concentrated genius injected straight into my veins. I loved it. The hell with Angle/Michaels, forget Joe/Styles, this is your Match of the Year right here.
Of course, there are plenty of people out there bitching about how Benoit has gone from defending the primary title at SummerSlam 2004 to winning the secondary title at SummerSlam 2005. I’m not entirely happy with the idea either, especially since Christian would stand to benefit much more from the US strap. Considering that Christian is now involved in a program with Booker T, which seemed to be the direction Chris Benoit was headed in about a month ago, I’m half-convinced that the new breed of non-wrestling savvy writers are actually moronic enough to be confused by the two instances of the name ‘Chris’ and got their plans for the pair muddled up. Heaven help us if Chris Jericho winds up on Smackdown. The world will descend into a disaster of biblical proportions. You know, real wrath of God type stuff. The streams will be crossed, the rivers and seas will boil, there will be mass hysteria, human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, and just generally a whole load of shit that will turn you white faster than you can say ‘Kerwin’.
Speaking of TAFKA Chavo, they really should have had him make mention of this match in passing on Raw during his little diatribe over why Shelton lost. It certainly would have helped his case a little. By the way, how come this blatantly racist character is allowed to make the rounds on WWE programming yet a character that stands against such prejudiced behaviour and tries with every ounce of moral fibre in his being to promote tolerance amongst all ethnicities is forced into non-existence by a militant media? Rest in peace, Mohammed Hassan.
Back to the US title, however. Sure, Benoit would not have been my first pick as the new champion. However, they booked the title change perfectly and that counts for a lot. Now if they just let him embark on a long reign with quality title defences on each PPV and the odd lengthy match on Smackdown itself, the title may indeed regain some value.
The Unimportance Of Being Lame Match:
Edge vs. Matt Hardy
A while ago I used to work in a nursing home. There was one old lady living there called Betty. Her mind was, shall we say, a little woollier than most, although she was still sweet as sugar. She used to stand at the door of her room and yell “Ohhhh! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Ohhhh!” whenever anybody walked past. It provided some choice comedy moments whenever one of the other residents went up to her. Anyway, this popped into my head whilst watching this ‘match’ because I was thinking the very same two words – oh dear.
I haven’t really commented on this feud beyond how tiresome I found it all, yet I still naively thought that no matter how strange the build had been that they would at least try harder in the execution. Let’s just say that I was wrong on that front. Now we are seemingly going to get another month of Edge forgetting all about a title shot that he may or may not have, instead choosing to spend his time beating up on a jobber that was too much of a whiny little bitch to hang onto his girlfriend, who is acting like such a complete bitch that nobody could have any sympathy for him wanting her in the first place. What a mess.
Considering that this feud was, for at least one, possibly two weeks, the most talked about feud in all of wrestling – even more than Hogan/Michaels – and the resulting match is just plain sad. It made no sense either. Bear in mind that the vast majority of people that like these characters were first introduced to them through a series of matches that saw them leaping, crashing and striking into, onto and through a vast, vast number of Tables, Ladders and Chairs at stupefying heights and frightening velocity. Now they are meant to buy into Matt being unable to continue after hitting his head off of the ring post once? That’s just not going to wash. The very least they could have done was to have Matt suffer a concussion on Raw in the build-up to this one. Coming out of the blue like it did felt like they were actually trying to pull a “worked shoot” in the middle of the ring. I really hate using that term.
Now, the saying is that hindsight is 20/20 but the proper way to get to this match has been clear from the very start. Vince brings Matt back to Raw, partly to appease the fans but mainly because he’s just curious/perverted enough to see what happens. Bischoff complains to Vince about having created an unsafe working environment that is messing up his show. Vince, quite frankly, doesn’t care. If Bischoff doesn’t feel safe then it is up to him as General Manager to resolve the situation. Bischoff then signs them both for an unsanctioned match at SummerSlam, even going so far as to get them to sign legal documents that means WWE cannot be held accountable for any damages suffered during the match. In the match itself, the referee is not even in the ring. He’s on the outside, ready to jump in and count pinfalls as required. Other than that, he has no authority to try and enforce any other rules. There is also a squad of security guards surrounding the ring, ready to leap into action if things get out of hand. We’re just going for a real Tyson/Lewis vibe here. The match proceeds and it is an actual, vicious brawl – not the plodding wrestling match that actually happened. Since it is a “real fight” it doesn’t last much longer than five-ten minutes, by which point both men are battered, bloodied and practically unconscious – though neither has been able to get the win. Lita is also at ringside and, upon seeing the man she loves and the man she loved in such a horrible state, she begs and pleads with the referee to do something. Eventually, he relents and calls for the bell, ruling the match a No Contest. He signals to the back for medical attention for them both. After coming round a little and realising what has happened, both guys snap. They go for one another again, throwing hapless EMTs out of the way. The security guards then storm the ring to drag each man away. It is absolute chaos. After this, the booking goes on autopilot to the rematch at Unforgiven – perhaps a Cage Match or a Street Fight – that would certainly be capable of generating far more interest than the real one shall.
Not difficult, is it?
Custody Ladder Match:
Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero
Third time lucky, we get an actual competitive match. If we ignore the 25 blissful seconds of Benoit beating on his new bitch Jordan, it was also the Match of the Night. Unlike most people around here, I’ve actually really enjoyed the Mysterio/Guerrero feud. Sure, the Dominik plot was a bit random and a bit hokey – and the kid will surely wind up in therapy before his 30th birthday – but for the most part everyone involved played their parts well, making it easy to suspend my disbelief and just get into it. Not to the same extent as Tazz and Michael Cole, whose commentary sounded like they had to be physically restrained from interfering on Mysterio’s behalf, but this was the one time when the soap-opera writers actually helped the show rather than hinder it. I guess that everybody gets lucky once in a while, and after Al Wilson and Eugene and Katie Vick, they were long overdue. Plus, with the rapid turnaround of feuds in this day and age, it was nice to have something that has lasted this long.
The match itself was nothing truly spectacular, although it was still entertaining. How much each viewer benefits from that entertainment will no doubt rely on how much they buy into the storyline, which is probably the main reason behind the lacklustre encounters these two have had in the past year. The storyline casts a massive shadow over anything that happens in the ring, to the extent that they are nearly constantly acting during their matches to serve the melodramatic narrative over the wrestling storytelling that they can usually do so well. Not to mention the fact that this is Rey Mysterio Jr. and Eddie Guerrero. Our expectations were set perilously high but it is not 1997 anymore and the highly personal nature of this feud seemed to have them on edge more than Lita. Nonetheless, it was still the best match they have had so far this year and a fitting epitaph to the storyline.
At least, I hope so. Where they go from here seems to be up in the air at the moment, although rumours persist that Mysterio is going to work with Orton while Guerrero gets a crack at DAVE. This week’s Smackdown certainly didn’t clarify a great deal, but we’ll get to those potential programs in a little while…
Comedy Of Errors Match:
Eugene vs. Kurt Angle
There is nothing funnier for a wrestling crowd to do than to turn on the supposedly sympathetic babyface. This one wasn’t quite up there with the hilarious Rock/Brock match from SummerSlam 2002 – and of course the Brock/Goldberg debacle remains the best example – but as I said last week, booing the retard is just tremendous. It’s good to see that Washington and Pittsburgh are on the same page in this regard. Other than that, there’s not a great deal that needs to be said about the actual match. They could have had a classic bit of mat wrestling had Eugene been allowed to unleash the inner Dinsmore, but they chose to go with the decimation approach instead and considering the audience reactions to his character of late, I’m okay with that.
Where they go from here is a little more interesting. Angle kicked some serious ass, added a crowd-baiting post-match celebration to his repertoire and will be rewarded with a WWE Championship Match at Unforgiven. Along the way he also had a very good match with Shelton Benjamin on Raw. Since there is enough back-story and athletic synchronisation there to book a classic WrestleMania match between the two of them, it seems a little lax to throw that one away on TV. No real harm done however, they can still go down that road if they want. Let’s just praise Kurt for his terrific work of late though. It’s been a while since he has been this intense, channelling the Steiner within, and it’s good to see – though not if it all stems from marriage problems, as rumoured.
As for Eugene… time to head for the big WrestleCrap heap in the sky. Sure, he was briefly entertaining last year but a gimmick like this was always living on borrowed time. They blew a perfect chance for a heel turn with the whole HHH/Benoit thing last summer, and blew their last best chance at one upon his return to action after his injury, and now the anti-Eugene movement is going to spread quickly and with Affleck intensity. It’s time for a complete overhaul. Considering the unique look that Dinsmore has, it had better be complete.
Also, the Amazing Forehead Of Skank is now apparently on Smackdown. Yeah, whatever. I hope that $250,000 is enough to buy plenty of new gym bags since you’re back on the same show as Randy Orton.
Angry & Tired Match:
Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker
Speaking of the WB reject, here we have his second brush with the greatness that is Undertaker’s no-selling theatrics. In a deliciously blatant bit of hypocrisy, I have no problem whatsoever with Undertaker’s utter lack of interest in this match. Sure, if he tried this with someone like Christian then I’m sure that I would be heading up the lynch mob to strike down upon Death Valley with great vengeance, furious anger and all the rest… but this is Randy Orton we’re talking about. The man is one not-so-big floppy cock. He is The Dawson of WWE. Besides, Undertaker’s behaviour when he gets into a foul mood like this is better entertainment than anything he can manage in the ring these days. There’s nothing quite like “kicking out” of a pinfall attempt by looking like he’s just been rudely awoken from a cosy nap, dreaming of past glories. For this reason, I have decided to dub him by his real name…
Kane never has to put up with this shit…
As for Orton, it’s hard to know what to make of his prospects at this time. Continuing this feud after Undertaker has preserved his WrestleMania streak and Orton has belatedly proven his Legend Killer motif is redundant, so of course they appear to be doing it. Another option doing the rounds is heading back towards the World Heavyweight Title and feuding with Batista, perhaps even as soon as No Mercy. Since there’s no benefit from having DAVE drop the title anytime soon and Orton’s already fragile status as a main-event player could not take yet another unsuccessful title challenge, that one should be put on the back-burner for now – possibly until WrestleMania. The other option appears to be feuding with Rey Mysterio, which would have the added benefit of stopping Rey’s feud with Eddie in addition to putting on some pretty good matches along the way. I’m not quite sure how they could start a program between these two, as it does seem like a fairly random combination. Perhaps the Ortons could make some choice comments about how their biological father-son relationship is far stronger than Rey and Dominik could ever hope to have and things could progress from there. Let’s just hope that they stick with this potential program, thus continuing Vince’s curious fondness for Mysterio despite his size. The l’il guy must be shifting a whole load of merchandise…
WWE Championship Match:
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho
Well, this feud has not been particularly big or clever but it has been good fun, as was this match – helped in no small part by the fierce reactions of the Washington crowd. In fact, it was such good fun that they decided to repeat it the following night on Raw and did so quite successfully. How typical of Jericho to finally start reminding people of why he is a two-time Top 50 winner just as he is getting ready to take a leave of absence from wrestling. Cena deserves to be praised for his part in this as well. Yes, he’s basically taking a pale imitation of The Rock’s mic work and sticking it to a pale imitation of Austin post-neck surgery in-ring work, but he is slowly managing to make it work. Jericho was leading the dance here but Cena kept up well and continued to make the little that he had seem like a lot. This is coming on the back of a surprisingly enjoyable match with JBL at Judgement Day and a pretty decent three-way with Jericho and Christian at Vengeance (again with the Crisis of Chris’s), and he should be perfectly fine working with Angle for the next month at least, so don’t believe the naysayers – Cena is doing quite well at the moment.
How well Jericho is doing at the moment does of course have nothing whatsoever to do with wrestling. Personally speaking, I’ve heard a number of Fozzy songs and haven’t really liked any of them to be honest. But then, metal was never really my thing except for the odd song here and there (mainly early Metallica stuff). I don’t mean to be critical here though; I have tremendous respect for Jericho listening to his heart and pursuing his passions while he still has the chance to do so. After all, your life is your own and not your employers. I hope it goes well for the band. Massive kudos for the TNA tease on his official website too (it appears to have been removed now). Any opportunities to run up to the hornet’s nest of the dreaded IWC with a mallet and giving it the piñata treatment should most definitely be grabbed with both hands. I’m still betting he’ll be back in time for WrestleMania. An appropriately hyped comeback leading into a major WM victory would put him in good standing for another title shot, whether it is on Raw or on Smackdown.
World Heavyweight Title No Holds Barred Match:
DAVE vs. JBL
Well, this was disappointing. Expecting these two to manage to live up to classic main event brawls of yesteryear, such as Austin/Foley in ’98, may have been a bit much. Expecting them to at least reach the same level as the aforementioned Cena/JBL brawl from a few months ago was perfectly reasonable. Instead we got some limp-wristed effort that did nothing to make any man look good. JBL didn’t manage to get in anywhere near enough offence and was done relatively quickly (though that final powerbomb was nasty). Batista made it look fairly easy but was lacking in the usual intensity that we have come to associate with our beloved DAVE. He even looked rather bored himself after the match, presumably either angry at the surprisingly lacklustre hometown pop he received or angry at himself for another poor PPV showing.
Still, things should work out a bit better for him the next time around if WWE do the sensible thing and let him work with Guerrero. Quite how they could justify giving Eddie a title shot after having spent the past eight months jobbing to Mysterio will be interesting to see, but No Mercy is not until October so there is plenty of time to work out the details. Perhaps it could be as simple as a #1 contender’s tournament with Eddie defeating Rey at long last in the final (with help from Orton, propelling another feud). Perhaps Eddie could have fathered DAVE’s kids as well. Who knows? The point is that Batista needs to be in there with someone that can make him look good and Eddie is far better suited to that than JBL has been or Orton could be. Besides, it’s time to have JBL and Jordan with the tag titles with a mercy killing to the Mock Warriors.
Male Pattern Baldness Match:
Hulk Hogan vs. Shawn Michaels
Is it safe? Has the orange meanie gone? Hallelujah. If I’m going to buy into any nostalgia fads then it has to be something that is worthwhile. You know, like George Perez comics or Richard Pryor movies or Optimus Prime. Hogan doesn’t cut it, especially since I hated him back when I first got into wrestling. I’m more tolerant nowadays but this tolerance is very limited and quickly wears out since Hogan should only ever be used as a limited attraction. Sadly, we’ve had to put up with him as an ongoing feature since the Hall of Fame inductions were announced. He’s gone now though, and hopefully he won’t be back until 2006 at least, so let’s all throw a party and invite our nearest and dearest. Michaels is now back to being a face, which is a bad thing, but judging by his encounter with Masters on Raw he is still going to be a cocky wee shite, which is a good thing, so we’ll just have to wait and see how that one plays out.
All in all, it was a decent show and definitely up there with WrestleMania and Judgement Day as the better efforts put forward by WWE this year. It certainly wasn’t the classic, must-see PPV that some are claiming it to be – well, unless you happen to be a major Hulkamaniac – but on the whole it got more right than it got wrong. Unforgiven, on the other hand, is shaping up to be exceptionally dire. Unless the Cena/Angle, Carlito/Flair, Edge/Hardy, Michaels/Masters, Kerwin/Shelton card seems to appeal to you, in which case I have an Avril Lavigne DVD that I would like to sell to you.
Do not under any circumstances ask me why I have a copy of an Avril Lavigne DVD.
CHEAP PLUG:
I have a new column starting this week over in the Comics Nexus. You probably won’t have seen it around anywhere since it seems to have been buried immediately with no promotion on the main page whatsoever, but that seems to happen whenever I get in a particularly dangerous mood and start ranting away.
Still, check it out and let me know what you think. I hope that once you are through reading it you will realise just how depressingly timid and backwards Marvel is being with their X-Men franchise.
Say hello to The Anti-Nexus.
TOP 5 THINGS THAT CHRIS BENOIT SHOULD TIME AGAINST DRINKING HIS COFFEE:
1. Carlito blow-drying his hair
2. Blowjobs from Nancy
3. Flair doing an interview without saying “Whooo!”
4. The Big Show going to the bathroom
5. Stephanie at an all-you-can-eat buffet
THE ANTI-NEWS:
“I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it. By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments.”
So apparently the WRESTLEMANIA ANTHOLOGY DVD boxset will be released on the 1st November, collecting all 21 events for the retail price of $280. I’m also fairly certain that I remember hearing they will release smaller sets of five WrestleManias each at some point in the not too distant future. To this I say… not a lot, really. For starters, this is Region 1 and it doesn’t say whether or not Region 2 will be released at the same time. Usually there is a little delay but since all the WrestleManias are already available on Region 2 anyway, it doesn’t matter. It also puts a bit of a dent in the press release’s claims that none of the first fourteen events have ever been released on DVD. Sure, they are only vanilla releases but then the extras on this boxset seem to be non-existent too. Well, unless you get particularly funny feelings in the crotch department over the inclusion of a photo gallery and four collector’s cards. I would have preferred to have had retrospective interviews with the people involved in the major WrestleMania moments, footage from TV shows of the time that developed the major feuds, perhaps even match-specific commentary from people like Hogan and Piper, etc. Considering the effort they have put into their recent DVD releases, this one screams ‘missed opportunity’ with a fury usually reserved for defeating Balrogs. Hopefully there will be some more interesting extras announced nearer the release date. As it is, you only need to bother buying this if you possess an urgent, pressing need to take $280 and throw it out the window, hoping vainly that it will survive in the wild long enough to find a good home and perhaps one day tell it’s children of their true heritage so that they will be able to track you down and have an emotional reunion in front of a roaring fireplace while The Bangles’ “Eternal Flame” plays on the radio.
***
“Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl.”
In a development that seems about as surprising as a Triple H title victory, backstage gossip is hinting at trouble brewing between the WWE DIVAS. It is said that the women who have been with the company for a while are nervous that they will be let go in order to free up room for the new crop of Divas, especially following the departure of Jackie Gayda, Dawn Marie, Ivory, Molly Holly, Gail Kim and whoever else was booted out in the past year. More specifically, Torrie Wilson is said to have been under a great deal of stress that has caused her to lose an unhealthy amount of weight and feels genuine resentment towards Diva Search winner Ashley Massaro.
It was Ashley that won the Diva Search, right? I never paid any attention to it. Anyway, this is most likely true to a certain extent, exaggerated to make it sound worse than it is, and should not come as a shock to anybody. It’s only natural for a number of less secure workers to fret about their job safety when there is an influx of new workers to contend with. Hell, TNA have been turning that very thing into an on-air angle (ironically using the highly secure Jeff Jarrett as the instigator). Take into account the fact that we’re dealing with women here and there is a whole other heap of inexplicable, illogical neuroses to contend with. On top of that, throw in the fact that their jobs are entirely dependent upon their looks, meaning that they are constantly fighting a losing battle against time and gravity, and it’s no wonder that someone like Torrie would get so stressed. Hell, there are plenty of
Hell, just hurry up and launch a WWE Porn line already and be done with it.
***
“If the next two words out of your mouth aren’t ‘See ya’ then the third word will be ‘Oh my god. My crotch. You’ve punched me in my crotch.’.”
Presumably taking his cue from our very own Ross Williams, JIM ROSS has recently brought back his Ross Report to WWE.com. Unfortunately, any chance at getting people to take it a bit more seriously this time around went right out the window when he started talking about the size of The Big Show’s ring. What’s more, he apparently has an eleven-inch wrist. I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions. Perhaps next time JR can keep the useless Big Show facts to his Raw commentaries instead of reinforcing his own caricature in his own column.
In slightly more interesting comments, he says that we “might be surprised” at the identity of the next Diva to pose nude in Playboy. The only ones that would surprise me are Trish, Stacy and Stephanie. Although I would probably end up buying a copy if it was Trish, I would be slightly disappointed that she lowered herself to the level of the skanks. If it was Stacy then, well, ditto, except that I wouldn’t buy a copy. I wouldn’t buy one for Stephanie either, but I’m deadly disturbed by the prospect of Linda stumbling upon a sticky-paged copy in her husband’s study…
What else is there… The Bret Hart DVD will span his entire career and not just “one night in November 1997 in Montreal”, which is of course A Good Thing. Hopefully this means the set will be renamed “Excellence” rather than the insulting current title of “Screwed”. Bret is also a lock for the Hall of Fame (gee, ya think?) and if he wants to be inducted as soon as 2006 then he will be there, though he won’t do any in-ring competition. If I was Bret then I wouldn’t worry about being inducted sooner purely to promote the DVD as that thing will sell perfectly well of its own accord. I’d wait until the autobiography was complete and take the induction in time to promote that instead. Then again, I’m not Bret… Or am I? It’s the first time that the workers have managed to shoot on those who would shoot their work against the worked shooters standing in line to shoot on the workers whilst shooting against the worked work! By God, Widro swerved us all! Aneurysm, huh…
Oh, and JR did not go commando at WrestleMania IX. Wuss.
***
“So what you’re saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you’d like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here’s the problem, it ain’t my problem.”
Dearly departed Velocity stalwart FRANKIE KAZARIAN was on Between The Ropes this past week. He didn’t have anything greatly interesting to say, but it was refreshing to hear from a non-critical ex-employee of WWE who seems quite content with his current situation. Yes, TNA has a more easy-going locker-room atmosphere than WWE. Yes, he was told by WWE officials that certain developments (such as expanding the cruiserweight division or a tag team with Matt Bentley) would happen when there was clearly no plan for them to follow through with. Yes, he was asked to cut his hair by Vince but he preferred to keep a more individualistic look and so refused to cut it. More importantly, the real reason that he left the company was that he was unhappy going to work. So unhappy, in fact, that he began to lose his love for wrestling. So, choosing happiness over money, he asked for his release and will be working in Japan and Europe for a while before hopefully heading back to TNA in a while.
Much like what I said about Jericho up above, I have to applaud Kazarian for his decision here. In our crazy little world it is oh so easy to put your career on such a high pedestal that it overshadows everything else in your life, including your own peace of mind. In the even crazier wrestling world (or at least the North American part of it) everything is geared towards WWE, but WWE is quite simply not for everyone – something that is as true for the wrestlers themselves as it is for the fans. Being savvy enough to recognise this and being brave enough to act on it is something that I suspect more people want to do than would care to admit, both in the wrestling world and in ours. Let’s face it, there are certain political aspects to WWE that annoy the hell out of many of us but these are aspects that have been installed by the people that own and run the company. They just are not going to change anytime soon. The only way to get by that irritation is to find a way to continue to enjoy the more positive aspects it offers. If you can’t find anything then I hope you can recognise this and you had better hope you’re brave enough to take action.
Good on ya, Frankie.
***
“I don’t want to hear anything out of that man’s mouth other than ‘Oh no, I’m dying, there’s a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I’m in hell! Hitler, Mussolini… Captain Kangaroo? That’s not right.'”
Heading in the other direction is the current ROH Champion JAMES GIBSON, once and perhaps again better known as Jamie Noble in WWE. He, along with Brian “Spanky” Kendrick, has resigned with WWE and will be jobbing to Hardcore Holly in a Velocity main event before you know it. Well, maybe. It’s all a bit vague as to whether there will actually be a Velocity in the near-future, but you get the idea. Gibson claims that he always wanted to return to WWE and that, having matured both personally and professionally since his last stint, he feels more confident that he can make it work this time around. He also says that one of his major goals is to compete at WrestleMania, and that his dream opponent for the occasion would be Rey Mysterio. I’m sure that such a match would be well-received and highly enjoyable, but Gibson still seems to be setting himself up for a fall with these pipe-dreams. His tenacity and progress on the indy circuit obviously deserves some serious respect, and no doubt his fierce determination with regards to returning to WWE will have earned him some valuable brownie points within the company, but… really, does anybody see the cruiserweights ever being able to prove themselves? Their repertoire has been limited and no doubt will be again, their match time has always been limited and at times has been non-existent, and apart from the enigmatic Mysterio, their chances of working a steady program with any of the heavyweights are so slim that Torrie Wilson is trying to get them to eat something. I like Gibson; he’s a very entertaining talent. I just hope that this little quest of his will be worthwhile personally if not professionally. After all, one does not simply just walk into Mordor.
***
“I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let’s see… low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions! Oh, and Hugh Jackman.”
The next WWE game for the PS2 is SMACKDOWN vs. RAW 2006, due for release in the USA on the 12th November, and the full roster of 50 superstars to be included has been released. These things are usually outdated by the time the game actually comes out, and the latest instalment is no exception. For starters, Charlie Haas, Muhammad Hassan, Khosrow Daivari, Mark Jindrak and Spike Dudley are in it. We have dear ol’ Chavo and no Kerwin. For some reason, Michelle McCool and Joy Giovanni have been included over Victoria. She’s the one that can actually wrestle, in case you have forgotten. The Hurricane is present and accounted for but there is no Rosey, which should confirm once and for all just how much WWE does not give a shit about their tag team divisions. There is also no Matt Hardy, and I’m betting that the video game version of Rob Conway will in fact not be doing things the Con-way. They are also going to include Heat and Velocity arena types, which is mightily optimistic of them. The ‘Legends’ roster has not yet been released, but I would be surprised if Hogan, Piper, Orton Sr., Orndorff, Volkoff, the Iron Sheik and the Road Warriors were not included. Depending on how much notice they need for these kinds of things, Dusty Rhodes and possibly even Bret Hart may turn up in it too. Apart from that, you should know very well what to expect from these Smackdown games by now. I’m half-hoping to see the inclusion of a Concrete Crypt Match option, but since I don’t have a PS2 then I don’t really give a shit either which way.
***
“Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker; I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: its couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If its right and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”
So it would seem that THE DUDLEY BOYS are now going to known as Team 3D for their future indy work due to WWE owning the trademarks on all things Dudley. You know what? I’m trying here, really trying hard to find a way to give a shit about this but I just… I just can’t. Truly, my interest in this has eloped along with the microscopic, masochistic part of my brain that was once large enough to convince me to go to the cinema and buy a ticket for Van Helsing. They are planning to live together in sin with a fraudulent marriage certificate obtained for no other reason than tax fraud whilst working in a privately owned bar in suburban Orlando, ready to flee at a moments notice should anybody begin asking too many questions. I am not sure where I’m going with this. Here is a picture of Mister Sparkle.
Join me or die, Evan Dando!
THE TOP 50 2005
Oh yes, it’s that time of year again. In fact, it’s slightly later than usual as we were originally aiming to have this done for last month, only for real life to get in the way. For shame. Don’t fret though, for the Top 50 is on its way.
Each and every year, the esteemed Ross Williams and I take it upon ourselves to compile what we feel is the definitive list of the 50 best all-round wrestling superstars active in North American promotions today. We argue, we drink, we argue more, we drink more, we throw things, one of us winds up giving the other a DDT, and this process repeats itself time and time again until the list is complete, the drinks cabinet is empty, and we just can’t watch anymore wrestling.
Now, this list is a lot trickier to compile than you might be thinking – and not just because we are stubborn, belligerent and exceptionally critical. It’s because we want the best. We want the all-rounders. It’s not just a matter of being a technically sound wrestler, though obviously that is a pretty key ingredient in making the final cut. It’s a matter of having genuine ring presence and a bona fide superstar look. It’s a matter of having a natural grasp of ring psychology in addition to being able to hold the crowd by the balls with little more than a particularly choice interview. It’s a matter of having gone out there and repeatedly made the most of whatever opportunity has presented itself with whatever personally vivifying performance can be mustered. It’s also a matter of exactly what successes have been earned. We are judging the best all-round wrestling performers, not the best backstage politicians, but we are straddling the invisible line of kayfabe and otherwise and so titles do count. Then again, it depends on the title in question. For example, a World Champion from Raw or Smackdown stands a far better chance at getting a higher spot than a World Champion from TNA or ROH – although in saying that, if the latter champion has accomplished a great deal more with his lot than the former champion has managed to do, then chances are he will wind up with the higher spot after all.
It’s all highly relative, highly subjective and tends to be one of the most talked-about columns of the year. That’s what makes it so much damn fun to do!
Past winners include:
1997 – Bret Hart
1998 – Chris Jericho
1999 – Mick Foley
2000 – Chris Jericho
2001 – Kurt Angle
2002 – Kurt Angle
2003 – Kurt Angle
2004 – Eddie Guerrero
So, who is the man this year? Did Eddie manage to hold on to the #1 rank? Did Kurt regain his place in the top slot? Could a non-WWE wrestler have become our King of the Mountain? All will be revealed… soon…
EXIT SPIEL:
I’m not a geek or a dork, but I am a pure nerd. Which are you? Find out here.
The trailer for The Rock’s latest movie, DOOM, is now available. There’s no chance in hell of me spending over a tenner to see this one at the cinema when I can just wait six months and spend under a fiver for the DVD and watch it as it was meant to be seen – with beer and pizza and mates and piss-taking. Die Hard, bitch.
Ross Williams has the definitive SummerSlam recap in the definitive Ross Report. He also once found a crisp shaped like the Ultimate Warrior’s face-paint. That is the definitive salted snack produce moment.
Anybody that can get me to watch Gilmore Girls and enjoy it is capable of achieving anything he sets his heart on. Jamie Hatton is that man, and his latest Marvel News & Views is here.
Matthew Michael checks in with the latest Inside Pulse WWE Rankings. They are wrong of course, but bless his socks for trying. Rumour has it that there might even be TNA Rankings kicking off at some point in the not too distant future…
Gordi streams excitement from every pore at what’s going on in the Japanese wrestling scene. Have a blast, man.
Jeremy Lambert’s latest column has the sub-heading I’ll Kill Matt Hardy. Go on, you know you’re curious…
I’m not a fan of Music’s new mini-reviews, but I am a fan of Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes and apparently so is Gloomchen
Charles Emanuele has a look at the latest Megatron figure from the Transformers: Energon line. Apparently it pulls double-duty as Galvatron… You’re twisting my melon, man…
And, once again, go check out the Anti-Nexus.
AIM: KingKongBurnside
Iain Burnside is currently getting nowhere near enough sleep thanks to the neighbour’s screaming baby…
