Hey, you, it’s not NINE yet. What are you doing reading a Raw recap? Don’t you have anything better to do? Seriously, there’s like 15 minutes left. Go put on some coffee. Or make some chicken. Or read the last 15 pages of Catcher in the Rye (you don’t really need to read the rest). Do something with your life instead of watching those bumber commercials in between Fear Factor and Raw. Hell, don’t even watch Raw. I’m recapping it. I’ve got it covered. Just sit back and do nothing for the next few hours and read what’s going on during your favorite show. Come on, it’ll be fun. This is how your great great great grandfathers had to enjoy Raw. They didn’t have TV’s, you know. No, they had to walk forty miles in the snow just to talk to someone else who knew about Raw. Uphill. Both ways. Think about that. I bet they’d give three of their knees just to be able to say they watched an episode of this fine program of…wrestling? Oh no. Oh this is not going to be good.
LAST WEEK, Jericho hugs, fights, loses, and gets fired in a subpar match where Jericho didn’t even cheat at a quarter of the level I’ve seen him go before. Also, Angle comes out and tears apart Cena in ways only Angle knows.
Forget the lies, the money, we’re in this together! For the next two hours your Monday Music Columnist is going to be giving you the skinny on Raw from Tampa Florida, a Raw filled with people who likely have no idea why they’re there now that Hogan ain’t showing up anymore. Maybe Carlito?
Speaking of, here comes Carlito! It’s Cabana time! He doesn’t look that happy, though. He thinks the lack of Highlight Reall is cool, but more cool than that is his chance tonight to interview HBK. And speaking of, here comes Shawn, and he’s SWANK tonight. Why was Carlito angry before? To SWERVE us? Oh man, he got me.
ANYWAYS, Carlito admits to admiring Shawn, and HBK says while there is a lot to admire, he’s not totaly sure about…and he gets cut off awkwardly by more of Carlito’s compliments, that get even more awkward when Carlito tries to use circular logic that now that Shawn is on Carlito’s show, Shawn can now look up to Carlito. Shawn says that he can’t handle any more ego this month. Heh. “Until he needs another payoff, he ain’t coming back” Shawn says. Hah.
Shawn mentions that nobody is talking about Carlio’s matches, because he hasn’t really had any, and goes on to explain the real importance of championships. Carlito defends himself by saying that nobody has really challenged him lately. It’s really funny watching Carlio do clear script work while Shawn stands there mouthing the whole thing. Shawn finally poses a challenge and takes of the sportsjacket, but Carlito eases him off and introduces Chris Masters. My qualms about this guy are pretty well exactly the same as they were six months ago when I was recapping Heat. Masters does the usual, and Shawn cleans house until Carlito hits a DDT. Masters goes for the Masterlock, but Ric Flair comes out to make the save. The two guys in really expensive suits take care of the guys in tights. Since when is Flair a 100% face?
Later on, Matt Hardy takes on Edge in a street fight. Is this chapter 2 of 5? Or just like 1.3 of 5? We’ll see, tonight!
MEANWHILE, Masters and Carlito complain to Bischoff, and he makes a tag match for tonight between Masters and Carlito and Flair and Micheals.
Back to the ring, where Big Show faces off against two guys I’ve never seen before. They both look a little like AJ Styles, and next to TBS, they’re midgets.Show throws them around for a while while Coach and JR talk about Big Show as if he hasn’t been on our TV every week for the last TEN YEARS. The midgets try to suplex Show but he reverses. Double Chokeslam, and it’s over….
…Until Snitsky comes out and punks Show with the ringbell! For using the ringbell, Snitsky is the wrestler of the night thus far.
Out comes Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle, as we learn that Christy Hemme and Stacy Keibler have been traded(dammit!). Coach enjoys that they’re putting thought into their ring entrance. Torrie sounds like she has a cold. So does Candice, actually.
Anyways, they feel bad about how they initiated Ashlee last week. So she comes out and gives the two divas the ol’ stinkeye. They apologize, and she accepts. Well this is nice. Torrie says that she pulled some strings and got her a match as a favor, you know, between friends. Candice, however, gets hilarious and says she needs to stay in her place and be pretty and not say anything. This good cheerleader/bad cheerleader thing isn’t going to work when neither of them can’t say more than one sentence at a time.
So Victoria comes out and it’s on. Victoria takes her down first outside, throws her in, kicks her a few times, nails the widow’s peak, and gets the three in less than a minute. Hey, at least Vic’s back to being hot.
We get a promo for Trevor Murdock and Lance Cade. Man, even watching old 1994 WCW stuff the cowboy angle looked dumb. And now? Well, I guess you could call it retro.
MEANWHILE, Edge sits backstage with Altar Bridge, Todd interrupts, and Edge explains how he’s going to kill Matt Hardy tonight, and let him return to those tiny indie shows that nobody’s ever heard of (tell em’ Edge!)
MEANWHILE, Lita walks up to Matt Hardy, and asks him how it feels to never ever get to experience this again (ECW chant) as she takes off her shirt and struts a bit and tells him to go to hell. Matt says that he’s on his way, and taking Edge with him.
Some tech guy runs in, grabs Shawn, gets him to run down the hall to find Ric Flair MURDERED in an ALLEY. He seriously looks like he was gunned down. Wow.
Matt Hardy VS Edge in a STREETFIGHT with Lita who is only wearing an eighth of a shirt – The lockup! They punch each other! Matt gets the upper hand, and Edge bails. Matt follows him, and throws him into the crowd. They brawl ptreey equally until they end back to ringside. Matt gets a sledge shot, and Matt looks for a weapon. He finds a trashcan lid and nails Edge. Matt grabs a ladder and puts it on the apron, but Edge hits a baseball slide!
Matt is in control with a superplex from the break, as now he beats Edge down in the corner. The ladder stands ominously in the corner. Edge fights back, but Matt hits Edge again with the trashcan lid and then Irish Whips him into the ladder. Matt opens up the ladder and climbs up. Edge climbs the other side, they brawl, Matt wins, and hits the flying legdrop from the top of the ladder! Cover, 1, 2…no! Lita plays with her top while looking very concerned. Matt goes outside and grabs a chair, goes back in, but Edge counters with a singapore cane (albiet a tiny one). Edge, while still down, canes Matt several times. Edge finally gets up, grabs a chair, and places Matt on top. Edge goes out and grabs another chair and sets up a one man conchairto, but Matt trips him.
They both slowly rise, Matt runs at Edge but he gets out of the way and Matt easts ladder. Edge grabs the trashcan lid and pulls in five straight shots. The ref is really concerned about Hardy, drawing boos from the crowd. I like that psychology. Edge keeps sticking in shots in between the ref checking. Edge tries to guillotine Matt with the ring steps but Matt gets out of the way just in time. Edge then tries the DDT on the steps, but Matt fights out, and reverses! Matt throws Edge’s face into the steps a few more times, then grabs another chair. Lita then nails Hardy with the brieefcase, which gives Edge some time to recover and get Hardy from behind.
Edge is giving a great performance here in character. Those punches outisde right there? The conviction he’s showing? That’s what makes this feud work. Anyways, this gets back into the ring as Matt runs the ladder into Edge, then sets Edge on top. Matt goes up, tries the moonsault, but there’s nobody there! Oddly, the crowd doesn’t go nuts for that. Edge takes MAtt outside again, grabs a trashcan, and takes it to Hardy’s back, then head. They fight up the rampway, Lita follows, and Hardy throws Edge into the stageway. Hardy grabs Lita, but again Edge attacks from behind. They teeter on the edge, Hardy tries the Twist of Fate but it’s fought off and they teeter again. Hardy grabs Edge and hits the side effect, so they both fall offstage! They land on the powerbox, blowing the fuse and darkening the whole arena. EMT’s come out and place a neckbrace on Hardy. Bischoff is out and gives orders to get both wrestlers out of there. I suppose that means no contest?
We’re back and both guys are strapped into stretchers. Edge is crying and JR has his serious voice going. I bet they use this shot of Edge crying and freaking out about his previously broken neck as a symbol for this whole feud, and that’ll be great. I can’t stress enough how much Edge is being an absolute artist in this feud. Love it.
They show replay after replay and actually scientifically deduce why it would hurt them so much (other than the obvious electrical fireworks). I like that this feud has pre-established legs and at the same time has an already outlined arc with an ending everyone can see coming but at the same time will no doubt enjoy.
WWE Champion Ultimate Warrio…John Cena comes out. He complains about high gas prices, then somehow relates this to Kurt Angle. That’s the bad news, however. The good news is that he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance (seriously) and that the great news is that the Champ is still here. “And yet the plot thickens, because Kurt Angle is the #1 contender for this championship.” How is that the plot thickening, exactly? Cena calls out Angle, and here he comes.
Angle belittles Cena, then shows footage of last week we saw at the top of the show. Then, he says, with all due respect, he’s not Chris Jericho. He’s got more wrestling ability than Cena has in his whole entire freakin’ body. Angle says he’s at the top of his game, and puts over Benjamin from last week, as well as his entire winning streak all year. He attributes his winning streak to his viciousness as of late, and cuts off Cena again. Cena admits that he doesn’t have much of a chance. “With all those things, you’re probably the baddest man alive…but I’m still callin’ your ass out!” Huh, interesting.
“This is a bad week for rappers to be attacked!” – The King
“Uh….ooh…good point” – Coach
Angle teases coming out, the teases leaving, then teasing coming out again, then slowly climbs in, then out again. Cena then turns around, mentions that Angle likes to hit guys from behind and that nobody’s watching, and Angle does actually come in this time and grabs the Ankle Lock in no time, but Cena powers out and Kurt gets tossed. Play Cena’s music!
Tyson Tomko…wait, Tyson Tomko still works here? VS Rosey…wait, Rosey still works here? – Push and shove match to start, but Tyson chokes Rosey down to the corner and gets in some boots. Rosey kicks Tomko off, goes up, but gets kicked in the head on the way down and is knocked out. The ref stops the match and Tomko wins! The Hurricane comes in, but gets knocked out as well for his troubles.
The main even tonight officially becomes a handicap match.
Shawn Michaels VS Carlito and Chris Masters – Lockup with Shawn and Carlito, Shawn escapes, and then the repeat the whole thing. The strategy here seems to be for Shawn to stay away from MAsters. They trade armlocks, then headlocks. Carlito hits and Irish Whip, Masters almost trips him but Shawn outsmarts them. Masters wants tagged in and gets it. They lockup, and Masters overpowers Shawn into the corner, but Shawn fights out. Masters powers Shawn into the corner again, and Shawn takes a beating. Masters tags Carlito, and they take the boots to Shawn. Carltio hits some chops and chokes, with Shawn trying to fight out but failing. Irish whip and an elbow on Michaels. two count on Michaels. Tag to MAsters, who chockes Michaels in his corner. Masters then distracts the ref whil Carlito chokes out Michaels. Tag to Carlito again, and Michaels gets some chops in, and Coach finally asks “Well, who did Flair in anyway?” I’m shocked.
Carlito throws Michaels down and gets two. Carlito continues with the punches. Irish whip and a sleeper applied. Shawn powers out and hits a side suplex. Shawn hits a side neckbreaker out of a reverse Irish Whip. Michaels then nails Masters on the outside, clotheslines Carlito, skins the cat, then back body drops Masters outside!
Masters and Carlito double team Michaels, but he does his best and fights out. Michaels kips up after a minute of rest, and powerslams Carlito. Michaels goes up top, and hits the elbow! Sweet chin music warmup, but Masters comes in and nails Michaels from behind. Masters picks up Michaels from the ground, throws him back in, and Carlito covers but only for two. Carlito gets some chops. Carltio gets a rollup for two, and then gets frustrated as hell and goes to town. Tag to Masters, who hits a rough Irish Whip the the corner. Masters drops some elbows and covers for two. Masters hist a backbreaker, then hits it AGAIN, then AGAIN, then holds it. Masters releases it, nails an even harder Irish Whip to the corner, then a press slam! Masters teases the masterlock, but Shawn sees it coming and comes out punching. Irish whip reversed and Michaels hits a DDT out of desperation!
And out comes Flair, bandaged all to shit and throwing chops! That man is so bloody it’s hilarious. Flair chops the shit out of Masters and goes for the figure four, but Carlito hits a low blow. Michaels and Carlito go outside, which gives Masters the opportunity to apply the full nelson (sorry, still not calling it that) on Flair. The ref eventually calls it, and it’s all over.