The SmarK RAW Rant – August 29, 2005
First off, I want to offer congratulations to my friend Christian Tremiseaux, who is getting married to another friend of mine, Donna Underhill, in November. Despite the fact that both of them were unable to come to MY wedding and I cried in my iced tea about it for weeks, I wish them the best and hopefully gas will be cheap enough by then that I can head over to Alberta again for the wedding and interrupt HHH style. Weddings are a strange event for those who only have experience with them through wrestling TV shows, believe me.
Second, tomorrow is of course my 31st birthday, and as has become my annual tradition, I’ve compiled a wishlist on Amazon if you wish to contribute to my birthday joy. Not that birthdays past 30 bring you any joy, mind you.
Third, be sure to check out my continuing explorations of writing about reality TV, as I’ve been covering Rock Star: INXS for Reality News Online since week 2, and have begun doing The Ultimate Fighter 2 for them as well. Over here on IP, I’ll be once again attempting a weekly review of Joey, and later tonight I should have my first shot at reviewing Fox’s hip new drama Prison Break up for you to peruse.
Which brings me to my final point, and it’s one that a lot of people have guessed might be happening for a while now. In short, while revamping the format for the RAW rants has greatly improved the speed and ease with which I can recap the shows, it didn’t fix the fundamental problem with the rants: I’m simply bored with the product and burned out on wrestling in general thanks to Vince McMonopoly’s stranglehold on the business. So where does that leave us? Well, frankly, I’ve been doing the RAW rant ever since the initial move to TNN in 2000, and that’s a long time. And I think 5 years is enough, really. So when the show jumps back to USA in October, I won’t be there with it. I’m taking a well-earned sabbatical from recapping weekly wrestling TV, and concentrating on on my other TV writing duties instead. Maybe I’ll try Impact in a while when it debuts, maybe I’ll just do PPVs and the occasional tape/DVD review, I dunno. I’ll at least keep doing PPVs, however. I think I’ve needed the time off for a long time now, and it’ll be nice to watch the show again as a fan instead of as someone needing to get the show up to avoid a glut of whiny e-mails.
– Live from Tampa, FL.
– Your hosts are JR, King and Coach.
– Opening interview: It’s Carlito’s Cabana, the only talk show left on RAW now that Jericho is gone. And Carlito’s first guest in the new era is Shawn Michaels. Shawn tries to play babyface, but the fans are still chanting for Hogan. Shawn accuses Carlito of not bringing it in the ring, and pulls out Benoit’s “it’s not the title that makes the man, it’s the man who makes the title” speech. Apparently if anyone had guts, he’d defend the title more often. As in, ever. Shawn’s accusations are NOT cool, according to Carlito, but he doesn’t get a chance to punctuate his feelings with an apple. So out comes Chris Masters, and you can just feel the electricity in the arena. Or maybe that’s just static electricity from Master’s bloated roid physique rubbing against itself. Masters gets the most pathetic reaction for a supposed top guy I’ve heard, and Shawn of course gets double-teamed by the heels. However, before Masters can start the Masterlock challenge early, Ric Flair makes the save. If this goes anywhere other than HHH and Flair turning on Shawn down the line and reforming Evolution with Masters and Carlito as his new meat, I’ll be very shocked indeed. I mean, seriously, who’s stupid enough to trust Ric Flair, especially someone who brags about being in the business as long as Shawn does?
– Meanwhile, it’s another bait-and-switch, as the Masterlock Challenge is OFF and the predictable tag match set up by the first segment is ON tonight.
– Big Show v. Steve Madison & Buck Quartermain. Well, there goes Buck’s TNA career. JR is back to the old standby about “You have to see Big Show in person to see how big he is!” as if that’s ever drawn a dime in his career. You know the deal here, he tosses jobbers around, they make a lame attempt at a comeback, he finishes them with the chokeslam. It’s been six years, he’s big, we get it. (Show d. jobbers, chokeslam –> pin, 2:47, DUD) Snitsky attacks afterwards and continues my personal hell.
– Speaking of my personal hell, Torrie and Candace get more mic time. This brings out Ashley, who is apparently a “tomboy” because she wears a baseball cap. This leads to some of the most mind-numbingly bad dialogue as Torrie and Candace play “mean girls” and book Ashley against Victoria.
– Ashley v. Victoria. Total destruction here and a quick Widow’s Peak finish. (Victoria d. Ashley, Widow’s Peak–> pin, 0:31, 1/4*) This wouldn’t be a BAD storyline if any of them could act or wrestle.
– Meanwhile, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch are coming. Hey, if it gets rid of the “Garrison,” it works for me.
– Meanwhile, Edge jams with Alter Bridge, but gets interrupted by Todd Grisham. Tonight, Matt Hardy’s career gets buried! I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.
– Meanwhile, Lita tries to use her womanly guiles (ie, boobs) on Matt Hardy, but Matt’s more intent on taking Edge to hell instead. Maybe that’s why she dumped you, dude.
– Meanwhile, Ric Flair has been ATTACKED. That’s sad, but what’s even sadder is that Shawn believes it.
– Street Fight: Edge v. Matt Hardy. I think the worst part of the Matt burial is that all of the fun has been sucked out of the character, and he’s become like one of those comic book characters where the writers “re-imagine” them as brooding loners in order to sell to the moody wannabe-goths. Matt wins a fight in the crowd but gets a ladder dropkicked into his ribs as we take a break. Back with them fighting on the ladder and Edge falling off to set up Matt’s yodelling legdrop. However, Lita gives Edge the kendo stick and Matt’s in trouble again. It’s funny that they were trying for that ultra-real style at Summerslam to sell the feud, and now they’re already back to the cartoonish garbage match style again, selling aluminum trash can lids like they’re gunshots. They beat on each other with a variety of the usual weapons, and Matt Hardy Won’t Die. The ref keeps trying to stop it, but Matt Hardy Won’t Die. C’mon, this is nothing compared to punishment that we’ve seen guys take in the usual WWE main event. Matt comes back with a DDT on the stairs, but Lita uses the Magic Briefcase to turn things Edge’s way again. Is this just dragging on way too long for anyone else? Matt has apparently recovered from his match-threatening injuries enough to try a moonsault onto a ladder, but it misses. I know that I often find that when I have a blood grudge against someone who stole my woman, moonsaulting is the best way to express my anger. They fight up the ramp and Matt puts Lita’s head between his legs, but it’s only to powerbomb her. That’s another reason why she dumped him, I think. Edge breaks it up and they fall off the ramp into the fake assortment of electrical supplies, which of course produces sparks, and both are out. And that’s apparently the finish. (Matt NC Edge, ~19:00, **) Just to annoy me further, they do that stupid, overplayed Owen Hart sell where the announcers all go to help them out because it’s “real.” To me, this was just another tired rehash of every hardcore match on RAW since 1999, complete with all the silly spots and non-finish. This whole feud has just turned into Vince Russo’s stupid “Everything you’re watching is fake, except for what’s happening right now, because that’s REAL” philosophy of booking.
– We’re back and JR is using his Owen Hart Voice as they load the guys onto their stretchers. It’s 2005, let’s please get over this hackneyed crap, OK? And we take another break after another 10 replays of them landing on a crash pad.
– John Cena comes out to rage against gas prices and 50 Cent. But he just saved a bunch of money on car insurance. OK, that’s pretty funny. He calls out Kurt Angle for a fight TONIGHT, but Kurt Angle doesn’t want to fight tonight. I’m shocked. Angle lays out the list of guys who have tapped out to him, and that will include Cena at Unforgiven. Cena calls him out again, but Angle still doesn’t want any. Cena then offers to turn his back on Angle to entice him, which is another funny bit, and that’s enough to seduce Angle in. Cena quickly escapes the anklelock, however, and Angle gets chased off. Solid interview segment.
– Tyson Tomko v. Rosey. Perhaps this wasn’t the best week to have Hurricane on the show. What this match is doing on RAW is beyond me. The announcers chill my soul to the core by talking about the possibility of Rene Dupree and Tyson Tomko as a team. Tomko hits him with some UFC knees to the head and a big boot to finish. (Tomko d. Rosey, knockout, 1:00, DUD). The tag champs are single-handedly destroyed by Tomko, which does wonders for the belts, as though they could be any further buried into the cold hard ground. Look, I couldn’t care less about Hurricane and Rosey and they can job every week to Ashley for all I care, but if you’re gonna turn them into jobbers, take the damn belts off them and let someone actually defend them.
– Shawn Michaels v. Chris Masters & Carlito. Can we all see the finish of this storyline coming from 18 miles away or do I need to spell it out? Shawn gets pounded by the heels in rather dull fashion as I’m barely paying attention at this point to be perfectly honest. I mean, we all know that this match is just a setup for the same angle we’ve seen a million times since the 80s, and all this match is lacking is Sting to complete it. Shawn fights them off and we take a break. Back with Shawn being all resilient and fighting off the “hellacious” youngsters, getting rid of Masters and dropping the elbow on Carlito. Masters breaks up the superkick, however, and Shawn is out cold on the floor. [sarcasm on] That’s some clothesline he got hit with. [sarcasm off] So the heels go back to assaulting Shawn again and of course Ric Flair is in the hospital and completely incapable of coming out to wrestle tonight. So Masters goes to work on the back with his boring opening match offense, finally setting up the Masterlock. Shawn escapes from it, however, and here’s Ric Flair all bandaged up and bloody. And just like the script says, he tags himself in and cleans house on the heels as maybe a four-year old couldn’t see what’s coming. Carlito goes low on Flair, who is left to take the Masterlock as Shawn disappears on the floor. (Carlito & Masters d. Flair & Michaels, Masterlock Flair –> submission, 20:13, **3/4)
The Inside Pulse:
I see they’re going the “dragging it out” route with the Evolution reformation rather than with the easier “one match swerve” direction that they normally go in. Either way, unless they wrap it up next week, I won’t be around for the conclusion, because next week is my last RAW rant.
And I promise not to bait-and-switch, unlike the WWE.
