D2 Review: I Didn't Get Shot At The VMAs

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If my column isn’t listed under the “celebrity column” now… it certainly will be next year as I have just been slated to headline Murtzfest 2006.
Onto bigger and better things. HA! No such thing.

So, as the Miami correspondent, I find it only fitting to report the VMAs to anyone who actually cared this year.

As I sat in front of the tv with my popcorn and vodka tonic (minus the popcorn) I didn’t know what to expect this year.

I mean, come on, Gwen Stefani might have been on to something by threatening to boycott the show after being omitted from the performance lineup… or is it cause they don’t play music anymore?!?! She must have looked into her magic L.A.M.B. 8-ball and seen the fiasco. “Magic L.A.M.B. 8-ball, should I attend the VMAs?”…. “Outlook not so good….for the show I mean… you go and laugh your ass off…. and ride up in the bulletproof Pope-mobile…and by the way, you’re gonna win $50,000 for best dressed” Who couldn’t predict THAT one.

The performances were mediocre at best, but I’m gonna have to say my favorite was the channel changing performance that R. Kelly delivered. I have no idea what happened because I was so embarassed for him, MTV, Viacom, Jive records and 14 year old girls across the country that I changed the channel AND left the room. The only person that benefitted was Ashlee Simpson, who now has crowned R. the new lip synching diva in town. Aw… can’t we have 2 of em?!?!

And I can only wish that Chris Martin from Coldplay pulled that stunt. Who told that dude he could sing?

I guess they needed him in there so people didn’t think they were watching the hip hop awards. I was actually at Hotel MTV during the day when the artists on stage said “I see a few white people out there… this song goes out to you…so y’all don’t feel left out”… and proceed to break into a little diddy (no relation) I like to call “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana. Which reminds me… does anyone even remember Teen Spirit deodorant?

Which MTV needed. The show stunk!

The parched show was quenched only by refilling my vodka tonic…oh…. and Eva Longoria and her bathing suit, Hammer (dropping the MC much like our beloved Diddy dropping the P), Ludacris, The Killers, Green Day, and the resurfacing of Beavis & Butthead. I don’t know, maybe the show was too green… not enough classic and high profile artists and outrageous performances. In years past they had Madonna kissing Britney & Cristina, Diana Ross feeling up L’il Kim…. you know… good family entertainment. Maybe MTV is taking away from all the great new music and it’s just a popularity contest now. Maybe that’s why for the first year they’ve introduced the MTV2 category… aka “talented artists and we play music”. Hotel MTV also showcased 2 great bands “Morning Wood” and “The Bravery” who were nominated for an MTV2 award, are great and I have a crush on the lead singer. Call me!

And it’s clearly not about the videos either. Have you seen them? They probably barely cost 5 million each to make!! Pshaw.

I mean, the show wasn’t even a train wreck… it was just bad. And not the kind that LL Cool J used to sing about.

Is it just me?

I think I’ll stick to VH-1 and their celebreality tv, Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club 2, Hogan Knows Best. Chooo Chooo!!!!