[Deconstructing the Moveset] Word Vomit

I hate Torrie Wilson’s lisp. It’s like they were targeting me specifically when they gave her a ring announcer position on Smackdown!. But it was on Smackdown!. Now they moved her to RAW and she’s got mic skills that remind me of Golga. If her voice was a face, it’d look like Rey Jr after he lost his mask.

Am I the only one who thinks that Chris Masters looks like a roided up cross between a New York Italian and Jew? Speaking of, how long until Master Lock sues the WWE for copyright infringement? If the WWE had to get Marvel’s permission to use “Hulk”, wouldn’t you think that they would also need permission to use “Master Lock”?

Speaking of Hogan, have you ever stopped to think what his latest feud with Michaels would have been like if i was in WCW and in 1999? He would have been as popular as that guy with his name in he fish. Not the one with the legs, but the one that believes that a woman doesn’t have the right to choose.

Let me get this straight… Michaels has to job to Hogan, then as a reward is forced into an angle with the two biggest in-ring under-performers on the roster at the moment?

Anyone notice that animal moves faster in the ring then Orlando Jordan? If you re-watch Smackdown! Heidenreich nearly stomps Mileena instead of one of those MNM guys.

Don’t you think it’s about time Michael Cole stops telling us which member of MNM is which when they walk out? No one’s gonna be able to tell the difference between them. This is the same audience that didn’t realize that the Bashams AREN’T RELATED.

What’s with all the Ultimate Warrior references lately? Are they sending a message? If so it’s “buy the DVD” not “come back Warrior”. ONE WARRIOR NATION RULES.

Simon Dean has been looking a little chubby in the cheeks lately. Maybe it’s time to take some supplements.

Aren’t you glad that Ashley’s being given ring time on RAW and Shelton Benjamin is nowhere to be seen on the program?

Doesn’t anyone else think that the “network exec” is a recycled WCW gimmick? It’s a shame, because Brian Black, the guy behind the pink button up shirt, can actually wrestle. good thing he’s making matches between Christy and stacey.

Have I mentioned that I didn’t see a second of this year’s diva search? Isn’t Tivo great?

What’s Carlito’s finisher?

I wonder what Kane looks like when he’s not on TV. He continues to do that stupid half shaved head thing on TV, or did while he was still on it.

It looks like Benoit gets a better sweat coming out to the ring then he does fighting OJ.

I’m glad they broke up La Resistance to push BOTH guys who made the team into stereotypically gay gimmicks. I think I’d rather hear Sylvan sing the Canadian national anthem.

Thank goodness we have Hardcore Holly still no the Smackdown! roster though. THERE’S a guy who can really contribute to a show. Most of the states he appeals to are gone thanks to Katrina anyway.

Speaking of the Hurricane, do you think it’d be too taboo for him to change his name to “The Tsunami”?

If you think about it, the Undertaker has never made anyone famous. Everyone he claims to have “made” was already famous, he just happened to be in the ring at the right time. If he made people famous, Kwang would be 16 time world champion by now.

Do you think PK’s new favorite wrestler is Ken Kennedy? For that matter, how does he feel knowing he’s a walking punchline.

Why bother bringing in Cade and Murdoch as a tag team when you let the Dudley’s contracts expire and break up La Resistance and the Bashams?

Imagine this scenario for when Foley returns:

Foley comes out to the cabana to talk about his book “Scooter” but touches on the subject of how Michaels can’t trust Flair. He’s never been able to in the past and he’s got ties to HHH. Flair says he’s on Shawn’s side and not to trust Foley. Shawn gets paranoid and when HHH returns, he goes off on Flair for being on Michaels side and tells Foley to mind his own business. Angle comes out to face off with HHH after HHH claims a right to the WWE title as Flair and Michaels face off. All four turn at foley at once and start the beat down. That’s when the Big Show, Shelton Benjamin and John Cena make the save for Foley. Boom, a new Four Horsemen and their faces to fight. Replace Foley when he’s done with his book promotion with a returning (and newly crowned IC champion) Rob Van Dam. It’ll be the best face faction since the Union.

I know Flair bleeds a lot when he’s busted open. It’s a fact. But it looked like he was hit with a BULLET FROM A GUN to be bleeding that much.

Next week, the usual column format returns. As for this week, here’s to one year of Rob Blatt on Inside Pulse!

note: my heart goes out to anyone affected by Hurricane Katrina. Please know that. An attempt at humor now and again, even in the wake of this tragedy should be taken very lightly)