Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by uh… I don’t know… Microsoft Office.
I deep-sixed last week’s column after Word shitted out and I lost 6 pages that I could not recover. After cursing and throwing some things around, I said, “f*ck it” and went out drinking instead. Sorry about that…
In other news, I leave for Prague on Monday afternoon, and I could not be any more grateful for a vacation. Honestly, work has been getting the best of me lately, as I am overworked, underpaid, and not using my $70000-bachelor’s degree at all. The other day I was given a particular task that involves such an exorbitant amount of work that it is normally allotted to seven people, as I had to ticket over 1000 items in a matter of hours. To top things off, this weekend I was suckered into doing support help at the New Lenox location on what should have been my weekend off. After being given the dubious and equally boring task of labeling aisle locations for over eight hours, and more than likely having to do that for the next two days as well, Monday cannot come any sooner.
So, without further ado, so I can start packing, here’s the The Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale #2, to determine who will fill in for me for next week’s column…
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(THE SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET BATTLE ROYALE #2)
The Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale #2 is brought to you LIVE from Grand Rapids, Mich., by XBox 360, Old Spice High Endurance Red Zone antiperspirant, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, Stacker 2 Ephedra-Free, Castrol GTX, Lugz, and Campbell’s Chunky Soup, and it’s Kyle David Paul and Drew Carey starting off at #1 and #2, respectively. Drew Carey motions for Kyle to back off and offers him a hundred dollars to not attack him. Kyle takes the money and puts it in his pocket, just as NY Slayer comes in at #3 and attacks Kyle from behind with a kendo stick, and Drew Carey climbs out of the ring, eliminating himself at 1:04. This just in from the Department of Libel: Drew Carey killed a guy and paid to cover it up. Slayer takes out Kyle’s legs with the kendo stick and works on his back with the SPORTS SECTION PHYSICAL INTENSITY as Shaun Norton is in at #4. Norton pulls Slayer off of Kyle and it’s kick kick kick kick punch punch punch punch hip-toss. Norton turns to Kyle, who is up and gives him a rake to the eyes. Michaelangelo McCullar is out at #5, and let me make sure that my “command”, “c” and “v” keys are working all right, as I’ll need them for cutting and pasting if Michaelangelo sticks around long enough. Michaelangelo hits Norton with CLUBBING FOREARMS as Slayer and Kyle slug away at each other. Slayer hits a kick wham… Kyle blocks it and dropkicks Slayer out of the ring, but through the middle ropes, so he’s still in. Mathan Erhardt is #6, and he immediately goes for Slayer on the outside, ramming him into the apron and then tossing him into the ring, where Michaelangelo hits the MULTI-ZONE LEG DROP OF DOOM. Meanwhile, let us take you back to Kyle David Paul, who is locked into an abdominal stretch by Shaun Norton until Mathan dropkicks them both, sending Norton out of the ring and eliminating him at 5:34. Shawn M. Smith is #7,and he’s got some sort of reverse, grainy, gaussian blur filter going on today. Shawn M. Smith and Kyle team up on NY Slayer and Michaelangelo, as Mathan points out that Dr. Dre sucks. Fingers comes out at #8, and he tries to restore the piece by locking the thread, although I use my moderator privileges to keep it open because it’s in the MUSIC ZONE. Shawn M. Smith tosses Michaelangelo into the ropes and goes to spear him, but Michaelangelo moves and Shawn M. Smith instead spears Kyle David Paul allowing Slayer to pick him up and eliminate him at 7:47. Trevor Presiloski is #9, and he comes out with new pyro and a new entrance theme, which kind of reminds me of a live Rush concert. He locks up with Fingers, who says something about Moodspins and Mathan comes over for the double-team as TEAM MOODSPINS is formed (?). Jeremy Botter comes out next at #10, and he goes for a clothesline on Slayer, who moves so Michaelangelo can hit the big boot on Botter. Fingers and Mathan turn their attention to Trevor, who is punch punch punching Shawn M. Smith, and proceed to STOMP A MUDHOLE in him as we see that Shawn M. Smith is part of TEAM MOODSPINS (?). They triple-team Michaelangelo, as Botter gets up and kicks away at Widro, who just got in at #11. Widro manages to climb all the way into the ring, but Botter continues his assault with an elbow drop. However, Widro remembers the one time when he was working out at the gym and Jeremy Botter was trying to clean the machine he was working out on and WIDROES-UP, labeling Botter with an uppercut and clotheslining him out of the ring at 10:03. Gloomchen and Michael Chadwick are in at #12 and #13, respectively, and they even up the score for TEAM MUSIC against TEAM MOODSPINS (?), taking it to Shawn M. Smith and Fingers. Meanwhile, NY Slayer hits Michaelangelo with the Rolling Germans and tops it off with an Atomic Drop. Chadwick hits Shawn M. Smith with the scissors kick as Eric S. comes out at #14 in the Damn Vaninator, which he crashes into the apron and jumps out of the driver’s side window into the ring to hit Widro with the Lou Thesz Press BY GAWD… KATIE BAR THE DOOR, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Gloomchen goes to eliminate Michaelangelo but he manages to hang on to the top rope and slide back in as James Hatton comes out at #15 to join TEAM MOODSPINS (?) as they quadruple-team Gloomchen and its GOODBYE at 14:49. They then move on to NY Slayer, hitting the QRADRUPLE CHOKE SLAM and tossing him at 15:14. The TEAM MOODSPINS (?) DOMINATION continues as they work on Eric S. and Michael Chadwick, although PK and That_Bootleg_Guy are out at #16 and #17 to even the score. Aaron eats some El Pollo Loco and starts vomiting all over the place to create a diversion as PK and Michaelangelo hit stereo dropkicks on Hatton and Shawn M. Smith, eliminating them both at 16:58. Patrick Nguyen is #18, and he’s out to avenge the elimination of NY Slayer, immediately taking it to Fingers and Mathan, who have been DEVASTATED after half of TEAM MOODSPINS (?) WAS ELIMINATED BY PK AND OOPS FORGOT TO TAKE THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF… Alex Lucard is out at #19 as Nguyen attacks Mathan with that croquet mallet that was such a hit in the last battle royale. Meanwhile, let us take you back to Trevor Presiloski, who hammers away at PK with punch punch punch punch Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli uppercut. Lucard lifts Widro up for what appears to be an Electric Chair, and then tosses him out over the top rope BY GAWD right into the Spanish broadcast table at 19:05. Rob Blatt and Jed Shaffer are out at #20 and #21, respectively, although they immediately get jumped by Nguyen with that damned croquet mallet SON OF A BITCH! Bootleg hits a GOAR GOAR GOAR on Michael Chadwick, which sets up the leg drop off the top rope by former Minority Report compatriot Trevor Presiloski. Dan Hevia is #22, but he gets jumped by #23, newcomer Jon Sevastra, who whips him into the STEEEEL steps and send him into the ring. Eric S. goes to eliminate Michael Chadwick but Chadwick manages to escape and moves out of the way as Bootleg clothelines Eric S. out, also falling out and eliminating both of them at 22:37. Iain Burnside is #24, and he starts attacking Lucard until Lucard tells him about the recipe for a really succulent osso buco in citrus sauce with fettuccini. Lucard uses the opportunity to rake the eyes and send Burnside out at 23:03. Liquidcross and Mark Neeley are out at #25 and #26, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as Chadwick gets dumped at 24:15 and Rob Blatt is out at 24:23. Nguyen goes to hit Michael
angelo with the croquet mallet, but he grabs it and jabs Nguyen in the midsection with it before breaking it over his head. Jed Shaffer clotheslines Hevia out at 25:00, just as Murtz Jaffer is out at #27, this time with all of the contestants from 1999s Iron Chef, along with Chairman Kaga. Lucard presents his take on yellowtail with daikon radish, which Kaga describes as “this is really very good,” before Murtz tosses him at 27:50. Gordi Whitelaw is out at #28, and he lays out Nguyen before tossing Liquidcross at 28:45. Murtz tosses a plate of roasted duck stuffed with foie gras at Fingers, while Michaelangelo lifts him up and out at 29:20. Brendan Campbell is #29, as Murtz has his two assistants from the Gourmet Academy rush the ring, tossing Nguyen at 30:55, and Mark Neeley at 31:06. PK manages to get past the Gourmet Academy assistants and hits SWEET CHIN FIGURES on Murtz. Brendan Campbell works on Trevor with an armbar, until Michaelangelo dropkicks them both, following it up with a DDT on Trevor. Warren WOO is #30, and BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP as he goes after Mathan with CLUBBING FOREARMS before tossing him at 33:12, sending him right through the Japanese broadcast table. Sevastra goes after Gordi, hitting a Death Valley Driver, while PK dumps Trevor at 33:40. Meanwhile, Brendan Campbell breaks free from a Warren Woo sleeper hold and dropkicks Jed Shaffer out at 34:29, but wait… Jed RE-WRITES THE BOOK and he never actually got eliminated, while Brendan Campbell did, at 34:29, by Drew Carey, who was eliminated soon thereafter at 34:33. Gordi tosses Murtz out at 35:27, sending him right through the Papiamento broadcast table. Michaelangelo gets up top for a HIGH-RISK MANOEUVRE and hits the Shooting Star Press on Gordi Whitelaw, while Warren Woo and PK double-team Trevor in the corner, whipping him into the turnbuckle on the other side of the ring, which Sevastra has taken the padding off of. Gordi is split wide open, as Warren Woo turns on PK tosses him at 40:14. Jon Sevastra hits Trevor with a Shining Wizard, while Michaelangelo gets speared by Gordi, who then kick kick kick kicks Jed Shaffer down. Sevastra dumps Trevor at 42:10, and goes to the outside himself to grab a chair. Jed and Warren Woo slug away at each other, as Michaelangelo tries to toss Gordi but he holds on to the ropes, turning it into a TARANTULA, although Sevastra hits him with the chair, knocking him off of the ropes and eliminating him at 44:48. Sevastra gets back into the ring with the chair, and we have our FINAL FOUR, as he hits Michaelangelo with the chair. Warren Woo teams up with Sevastra, as they hit stereo chokeslams on Michaelangelo and Jed Shaffer. Warren Woo hits Jed with the FRIDAY PM SPINEBUSTER, and tosses him out at 50:04, as Sevastra drills Woo in the back of the head with the chair. Michaelangelo gets up and hits a Van Terminator on Sevastra, knocking him OUT COLD. He then locks a Cobra Clutch on to Warren Woo, but YOU CAN’T WIN LIKE THAT, and he breaks the hold and lifts Woo up, but Woo escapes and neutralizes the situation with a low blow. Meanwhile, let us take you back to Jon Sevastra, who for absolutely no reason climbs over the top rope and eliminates himself at 53:11. Once he gets out of the ring he pulls off a mask and reveals that he’s actually Drew Carey! Warren Woo lifts Michaelangelo to toss him out but it’s SEAN “DIDDY” COMBS to the rescue as he breaks a bottle of Cristal over Warren Woo’s head, allowing Michaelangelo to eliminate him at 54:50. THAT SON OF BITCH! The battle royale itself was really good until the ending. ***3/4 Michaelangelo wins the battle royale and will be my fill in for next week’s column! Stay tuned!
NEWS TO USE
The Game was ejected from an expo at the Las Vegas Convention Center on Tuesday, because the organizers of the fashion event thought he had something to do with last weekend’s Suge Knight shooting and wanted to avoid any possible retaliation. The rapper was scheduled to unveil his upcoming sneaker at the event, but was escorted out (with his entourage) by the Nevada State Police just minutes after arriving. “They were scared there was going to be some drama [related to the shooting], but I don’t know why they would be scared because I had nothing to do with it.” The Game said. While The Game was present at Miami event last Sunday night, where Suge Knight was shot in the leg by a guy in a pink shirt, he said that he didn’t even see Knight at the event and had no idea that he was there. He added that the organizers where assuming that he was linked to the incident because he is closely aligned with Dr. Dre, who has had a frosty relationship with Knight since the fallout from Death Row Records breakup in the mid-’90s. The Game told reporters upon his departure, “It’s a very embarrassing situation … for myself, my management, and my whole family.” He then proceeded to join his entourage as they riddled a random Chevy Cavalier with bullets before driving away in some sort of black luxury SUV.
After having pled guilty to marijuana possession and paying a $200 fine early last year, Art Garfunkel has again been charged with the same thing after a roach was found in his car’s ashtray. The singer was pulled over last Sunday in Woodstock, N.Y., after blowing a stop sign. The state trooper who made the stop conducted a search on Garfunkel’s car after noticing a strong odor of pot when he was approaching the driver’s side window. After finding the end of a joint in the ashtray, he issued Garfunkel a ticket and ordered him to attend a hearing on September 22 in Woodstock Town Court. Listen up, Art Garfunkel, everybody knows that if you’re either carrying drugs in your car or are severely intoxicated, you need to make sure that you’re obeying all the applicable rules of the road, otherwise, of course the cops are going to pull you over and bust your ass. Idiot.
Viacom has organized a relief special for September 10, which will benefit the region affected by Hurricane Katrina. Artists that are scheduled to appear include the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Mötley Crüe, Green Day, Brian Wilson, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Dave Matthews Band, Trent Reznor, Common, Neil Young, John Mellencamp, Audioslave, Kanye West, Matthew Michaels, 3 Doors Down, Alicia Keys, Good Charlotte, Usher, Sheryl Crow, Dashboard Confessional, John Mayer, Staind, Goo Goo Dolls, Alan Jackson, Maroon 5, Ludacris, Melissa Etheridge, Simple Plan, and Kelly Clarkson.
Quick Bits
Epitaph Records blues musician R.L. Burnside died on Thursday at St. Francis hospital in Memphis, after several months of declining health. He was 78.
Denis “Piggy” D’Amour, guitarist of thrash metal band Voivod, died last Friday at a hospital in Montréal, after succumbing to colon cancer. He was 45.
The ongoing feud between 50 Cent and Fat Joe came full-force at the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony, as Fat Joe said some shit about G-Unit and then 50 Cent called him a pussy and then made out with Paul Oakenfold.
Rod Stewart testified at a hearing on Wednesday in a breach-of-contract suit filed against him by Harrah’s Entertainment Inc. The casino giant sued Stewart after he backed out of a performance in December 2000 for their Las Vegas-based Rio hotel and casino’s millennium celebration, citing a throat surgery that he had undergone just months prior.
One of the guys from Soul Asylum is worried about his house in New Orleans. Meanwhile, Fats Domino has been rescued. I repeat: Fats Domino has been rescued.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Astralwerks, who put it about the same exact way I would have…
[O]ur hearts go out to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. This devastating storm’s effects will be felt for months and years to come, paralyzing one of the most beautiful and majestic parts of the country. The entire Gulf Coast is suffering mightily and we encourage you to join us and help out with whatever you can. Cash donations can be made online at www.RedCross.org or by calling 1-800-435-7669, allowing the rescue and relief effort to use your contribution in the most effective way possible.
Black Dice – Broken Ear Record
Black Dice, the band you have heard so much about, is on its way to your hometown with their headline tour, starting in a few weeks. This Brooklyn band will release their third album full length LP, Broken Ear Record on September 6th. Following the release of Black Dice Broken Ear Record will be the first single “Smiling Off” with all the right remixes. For a preview of their new album, check out the album track “Smiling Off” below.
09.08 Providence, RI – Living Room
09.09 Boston, MA – Museum Of Fine Arts
09.10 Montreal, PQ – La Sala Rossa
09.11 Ottawa, ONT – Mavericks
09.12 Toronto, ONT – X Space
09.13 Buffalo, NY – Mohawk
09.14 Cleveland, OH – Grog Shop
09.15 Detroit, MI – Magic Stick
09.16 Pittsburgh, PA – Andy Warhol Museum
09.22 Columbus, OH – Little Brothers
09.23 Chicago, IL – Abbey Pub
09.24 Minneapolis, MN – Walker Art Center
09.25 Kansas City, MO – Record Bar
09.26 Denver, CO – Larimer Lounge
09.27 Salt Lake City, UT – Urban Lounge
09.28 Missoula, MT – Elks Lodge
09.30 Edmonton, ALB – Starlight Room
10.01 Calgary, ALB – Hifi Lounge
10.03 Vancouver, BC – Mesa Luna
10.04 Seattle, WA – Chop Suey
10.05 Portland, OR – DougFir
10.07 San Francisco, CA – Great American Music Hall
10.08 Los Angeles, CA – El Rey Theater
10.09 San Diego, CA – Epicenter
10.10 Tucson, AZ – Solar Cultural
10.12 Denton, TX – Hailey’s
10.13 Austin. TX – Emo’s
10.14 Houston, TX – Mary Jane’s Fat Cat
10.15 New Orleans, LA – House Of Blues
10.16 Atlanta, GA – Drunken Unicorn
10.17 Carrboro, NC – Cat’s Cradle
10.18 Baltimore, MD – Ottobar
10.19 Philadelphia, PA – First Unit Church
10.28 New York, NY – Irving Plaza
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Bauhaus, “Dive”
Front 242, “Master Hit (Part 1 & 2)”
Nelly Furtado, “Turn Off the Light”
Republica, “Drop Dead Gorgeous”
Felix Da Housecat, “Happy Hour”
Luscious Jackson, “Naked Eye”
Mighty Mighty Bosstones, “The Impression That I Get”
The Cars, “Good Times Roll”
Everything But the Girl, “The Future of the Future (Stay Gold)”
Live, “All Over You”
U2, “I Will Follow”
Madonna, “Holiday”
Misfits, “She”
McFadden & Whitehead, “Ain’t No Stoppin’ us Now”
Elvis Presley, “Suspicious Minds”
David Bowie, “Suffragate City”
Kurtis Mantronik v. EPMD, “Strictly Business” (MBA Radio Edit)
Jimmy Cliff, “The Harder They Come”
The Jam, “A Town Called Malice”
Dr. Dooom, “Welfare Love”
Alphaville, “A Victory of Love”
The Rock*A*Teens, “Black Metal Stars”
dZihan & Kamien, “After”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
I have a plane to catch in less than 12 hours and I’m still writing this thing. I’ll see you all in two weeks. Enjoy Michaelangelo next week.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m free to do what I want, any ol’ time.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
