The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

Hi kids. Welcome to another exciting edition of the Guide here on IP Movies v.2. Or is that IP v.2 Movies? Ah well, either way, I’m back with another week of pimpage, news, and probably some random stuff thrown in. Or not. We’ll see.

The Blood of New Orleans flows through the halls of the White House

I don’t need to go into detail about the hurricane or the devastation down in New Orleans. It’s an absolutely horrific tragedy, easily the worst our nation has ever been through. There’s so much to be angry about too. So much. But, really, that’s for another time. Soon, yes, but that cannot be the focus just yet. We must hope and pray for the survivors, for the National Guard and police handling the riot, for everyone down there to manage to come out of this alive. We’re all here, and you’re in all of our prayers.

Movie Review Pimpin

A bit quiet this week, as we’ve only got two major reviews to cover. The first is courtesy of Vince Cutter and is of The Brothers Grimm. Vinnie C wasn’t too impressed by her, but she’s above average. Scott Sawitz sat down with Undiscovered and walked out pretty much wishing he had never discovered the film.

DVD Reviews

Rob Sutton reviews Dario Argento’s The Card Player and is MUCH happier than he was with last week’s film.

OHMYGOD it’s BRENDAN CAMPBELL and he’s reviewed Alexander the Meh! No, wait, sorry, it’s actually called Alexander: The Director’s Cut. I just got that confused because the movie, you know, sucks ass.

OHMYGOD it’s BRENDAN CAMPBELL and he also reviews Sahara. If you’ve read any of Campbell’s work, you know what he thinks of this one already.

Columns Too!

We start the column pimpin again with Rob Sutton this week. He’s put together a fantastic, Bad Ass piece about Gladiator, the last great period epic. A fantastic film, perfect for the Bad Ass treatment.

Brendan Campbell gives you the Weekend Box Office Review. Not much else to say, really. Everyone still loves virgins!

Brad Torreano gives everyone a list of ten great films that can help anyone get accustomed to the wonderful world of cult films he knows and loves in Mondo Culto XXXIX. If there was ever a time to test out the Culto, this is it.

ML Kennedy continues to make an impact, at least in my opinion. This week, his Contradicting Popular Opinion focuses on the failure that was 28 Days Later. And I thought I noticed the bad in film.

John Cavanagh is a man after my own heart, probably because he’s taken over my old column. What a Tease!, for those who aren’t familiar, covers trailers for upcoming movies, movies opening this weekend, and more. I created the monster, but he’s done some nice things with it. It’s a great column, and now that it has the Norty Seal of Approval (patent pending), you should definitely check it out.

Newz…..and the Return of the Kern

It’s been a summer to remember, but one guy you can never forget is Mr. J. Kern. We’ve had a hiatus, and unfortunately he wasn’t here for the big ‘comeback’ last week, but he’s back and he’s ready to rip into all the good ole ‘movie news’ like he’s never missed a step. Ladies and gents, I give you the return of Norty and Kern to the newz.

Glover Keen To Joke Around

Crispin Glover, long linked to the role of the Joker in the inevitable Batman Begins sequel, told attendees at the ‘Rue Morgue: Festival of Fear’ that although he hasn’t been contacted about the role, he is quite interested. Glover (Back to the Future, Willard) made it clear that at the moment any talk of him playing The Joker in the WB sequel is simply rumour and wishful-thinking. He added however that he would be keen to get a look-in, and hopes the buzz rubs off on the studio. Others reportedly up for the role of the clown prince of crime include Lachy Hulme, Paul Bettany and Sean Penn.

Kern: Since we’re in the realm of actors who are genuinely, in-real-life, bugshit insane, how about Anne Heche?
Kern: Margot Kidder also springs to mind. Hell, she’s already got superhero cred from the Supes movies.
Norty: Perhaps for like, I don’t know, generic Bruce Wayne love interest. Though Anne Heche could be a convincing Clown Prince. But let’s try to focus on the, you know, males.
Kern: Violent Jay and Shaggy 2 Dope! They don’t even need to change their makeup!
Kern: Sid Haig couldn’t possibly be doing everything after those 2 last two cinematic abortions….
Kern: Tammy Fa-, no sorry. You just wanted men.
Norty: Right……erm. Anyway. You don’t really need to be CRAZY in real life to be up for the role, Kern. Just to uh, you know, let you know.
Kern: Then why are we talking about Crispin Glover? i assumed from that that Chris Nolan was just a big Method acting fan and wanted to save time.
Norty: Fanboy wet dreams, mostly. Everyone keeps clamoring for him to get the part.
Kern: Eh, he doesn’t need the work. i’m sure he’s still living large off his Willard residuals…
Norty: *shudder* Oh, yeah. That’ll give him, or anyone else in it, quite the comfortable, lucrative future. I’d wager he’s gotten on his hands and knees at Warners already….
Kern: !
Norty: What? Too far? Mental picture? What?
Kern: Nobody makes George McFly kowtow! NOBODY!
Norty: Heh. Time will tell, Kerny.

More Blair in the Future?

Ed Sanchez, one half of the creative couple that came up with The Blair Witch Project, is hopeful that his new film Altered will pave the way for a prequel to his breakthrough flick. Sanchez and co-creator Dan Myrick approached Lions Gate with an idea for a third film, one that tells the backstory of the film’s titular character, but the studio passed, favoring the idea of a sequel more than a prequel. But Sanchez is still keen to make the prequel, and with Altered, a film about alien abductees who get their own back against the aliens when they’re lucky enough to capture one of them, getting some positive buzz, it might just have a chance. “I’m really hoping ALTERED does well enough so that LION’S GATE steps up and takes our PREQUEL idea seriously”, he says. “As most of you know, last time we met they wanted to make another sequel and we all know how it went last time”.

Kern: Mmm … a supernatural 19th century period piece … i bet that’ll go over about as well as, oh i don’t know … The Village?!
Kern: Is a prequel ever a good idea?
Kern: The only reason Batman Begins isn’t a colossal trainwreck is because of Chris Nolan … and unless Myrick thinks he can pull down big name talent, i smell Exorcist: The Beginning. THE RENNY HARLIN VERSION.
Norty: The Village was NOT a supernatural 19th century period piece. It was a lie, a crock, a piece of crap. The deceit there makes my movie-geek blood boil. That being said, no, 95% of prequels are bad news. And no, he’s dead in the water without big name talent. Though Altered sounds interesting enough.
Kern: Eh. Hicks kidnap aliens. Payback in the form of anal rape ensues. i enjoyed it back when it was called Deliverance. And unless Myrick thinks he can sign a compound bow-wielding Burt Reynolds…
Norty: Well, I mean, there are options. If it’s garnering buzz, then something might be going right. But another Blair anything, eh, I think I’ll pass. He’d need a LOT of variables to fall right into his lap.
Kern: As an interesting side-note – young John Voight is a dead ringer for young Cary Elwes. i totally woulda bought National Treasure if they had used the Dread Pirate Robert instead of Nick Cage.
Kern: Eh. Those boys made a bunch of money off a fluke hit. They shoulda socked the cash away knowing that the backlash would ruin their careers and spent the next ten years making little indy films about two people talking until it all blew over.
Norty: You would have bought NT on any level? Jesus. Is the world on the verge of ending and I’m not aware of my reservation at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe yet? Kern…’re scaring me.
Kern: Well, that’s the thing, innit? If they had cast like that, it woulda been a cool thing. But “a cool thing” and NT are like matter and anti-matter – it’s just not gonna happen in this universe. In Bizarro World, where us do opposite of all earthly things, National Treasure am Oscar-winning stoppie with brilliant acting, sublime direction and intelligent script. i’m just speculating about a dimension which does not exist.
Norty: I wouldn’t assume it doesn’t exist. We just aren’t lucky enough to have the mind or eye-sight to see it. We’re stuck in the Michael Bay/National Treasure/Catwoman universe, unfortunately. And the universe which may last long enough to see another Blair Witch. Until it then collapses into itself…
Kern: i say give Naomi Watts a camera, take her Ring tape out into the forest and let Samara and the Blair Witch duke it out. Winner gets a prequel.
Norty: Brilliant!
Norty: And potentially hilarious too.
Kern: i’d cough up for that PPV.

Carrey and Stiller to Team

Jim Carrey is in early talks to star alongside Ben Stiller in Used Guys. Jay Roach will direct the comedy written by David Guion and Michael Handelman from an original script by Mickey Birnbaum. The film explores a futuristic world where men are extinct after ingesting a lethal “enhancement” drink. Carrey and Stiller will play pleasure clones that have been replaced by superior models whose enhancements include better listening and lovemaking skills. The two clones run away in an attempt to find a male nirvana called Mantopia. This film would be the first on screen collaboration of Carrey and Stiller, although Stiller did direct Carrey in The Cable Guy.

Norty: Oh, man. I can see the hilarity already. Mantopia. Brilliant!
Kern: i have been stunned into silence.
Norty: Come on Kern. Mantopia!
Kern: The depth of childhood emotional abuse displayed by the people that put this together …
Kern: i … i’m appalled.
Norty: Oh come on Kern. Imagine Stiller and Carrey stealing scene after scene together! Liar Liar meets There’s Something About Mary! Bruce Almighty meets Gaylord Focker!
Kern: i thought, once, that nothing would top White Chicks for sheer, brazen badness in terms of first impressions. When i first saw the WG trailer, i thought, “Great heavens. Did the Rapture come and i somehow miss it? Because i’m pretty sure a just and merciful god wouldn’t allow something like this to exist.” i know now that i was but a child when i saw that. Now … now, i am truly a man. Like those kids who went off to WWI and saw atrocity in its full, unfettered glory …
Kern: i think i may need to see a specialist for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. i’m feeling jumpy. And irritable. And like i’d like to FLING A GODDAMN HAND GRENADE AT GODDAMN JIM CARREY’S GODDAMN HEAD!
Norty: Such Carrey hostility. What of Stiller? It’s looking to be a joint, project after all. And you can’t have PTSD if it hasn’t happened yet
Norty: can you?
Kern: Too late. The mere idea of it has destroyed my faith in – well, i say faith, but really it’s more of a non-specific affection for – humanity.
Norty: You think this project can destroy humanity???
Kern: And Stiller can eat a bowl of dick. He hasn’t done a single worthwhile thing since Mystery Men.
Norty: What of Alone in the Dark? What of Mike Bay anything? What of UWE BOLL???
Kern: Oh, movies can’t destroy humanity … they’re just convenient signposts to tell us how close to the end it is.

Bread and Circuses 4 miles
Armageddon 15 miles
Bleak, Dystopian Future 28 miles
Ceding of Liberty to Corporate Overlords Next Exit

Norty: Stiller and Carrey will own you. You will laugh and be merry. Admit it Kern. You’re just a natural born pessimist.
Kern: i prefer to think of myself as a stillborn optimist.
Norty: Doesn’t change the comedic genius and the pwnage of your interest and funny bone
Kern: i have but one bone which Carrey and Stiller are welcome choke upon anytime they so desire.
Norty: Interested in boning Carry and Stiller eh? Well, that explains your ‘hatred’ of course. We only hate the ones we love, they say….
Kern: So, what? We hate the ones we love? If that’s so, then i REALLY love you right now, Norty.
Norty: Aww, shucks Kern. You really did miss me. More than the Pearl Harbor movie missed the point. And that’s a lot. I’m touched!
Kern: …the Apocalypse can’t come soon enough.
Norty: I *heart* you Kern. Ain’t it good to be teamin again? You betcha!


Okay, so I promised more content, but, well, bah. I’m not making excuses. I’m wrapping up some real life situations while also getting back into the weekly groove here. Next week, thoughts on how Spielberg and Wes Craven have forgotten how to end their films, and the upcoming DVD format war. Well, probably. Eh, we’ll see.

Until Next Time…

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