The Double-Team Short Form, 09.01-02.05

All I’m going to say about the events of the past few days in New Orleans is this: this shows what a thin veneer civilization actually is. The savage in each of us lays pretty close to the surface, much closer than we’d like to believe. Humans are, inherently, inhuman at heart. Let’s hope that things can get back to normal pretty soon.

The one place I wish that things would get back to normal is at the pump. Gas prices went up sixteen cents a gallon between Thursday and Friday here. I can’t fill up the Damn Vaninator on fifty bucks now. Man, if I didn’t have to drive this weekend, I wouldn’t, but even with the inflated gas prices, traveling eighty miles one way for cigarettes is still cheaper than trying to buy them here. Plus, I can do some shopping that I can’t do in this shit town. For instance, I need to get a microphone for my computer, all in anticipation of…well, I’ll leave that as a surprise for the readers here.

And I want to apologize if I’m a little incoherent. My bad knee went out on me completely on Thursday, and it’s painful as hell to walk right now. I’m popping Vikes like giant white Pez in order to be able to get around on a cane and a limp, and they’re making me a little dizzy (very surprising, actually; I’ve never been dazed on Vikes before). So if things come out weird, blame it on the drugs. You’ve been able to do that with my columns for years now anyway.

And so let’s get on with it…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Jon Heidenreich over Joey Mercury (Pinfall, sit-out choke powerbomb): I’m in the process of trying to figure out exactly how successful MNM would be if they were in TNA right now. If TNA could take a nothing, dull team like the Naturals and turn them into something, the world would be MNM’s down there. Instead, they’re feuding with one of Vince’s Big Guy projects and the VP of Personnel’s brother. Well, they should get the tag titles back next week, for what that’s worth. And given the retarded booking that’s seemed to crop up in TNA regarding their tag teams lately, maybe they’re better off right now. Although they may not feel that way after reading Ross’s remarks in the latest Ross Report.

At least Heidenreich will try to sell for opponents, no matter how silly it may seem

Chris Benoit over Orlando Jordan, US Title Match (Submission, crossface): This match actually served its purpose. No, not to bury Jordan, although it did that quite well too. By making sure that the only offense Benoit got in was the Crossface, it made the move look even deadlier than it did before. They’re going for what they did with Wife-Beater’s Stunner, namely the “he can hit it any place at any time” type of thing. Look, anything that makes Benoit better automatically gets my vote. So keep on doing it, guys. Suggestion: in two weeks, have it happen to High-Quality Speaker Boy.

Jordan tries to beat the clock, and Our Lord and Savior

My Beautiful and Beloved versus Christy Hemme (ND, Grenier-ference): Oh, God…first they made Rene Dupree into a Johnny B. Badd clone. Then it was Rob Conway and his Buff Stuffs Gerbils Nouveau look. Now Grenier has been turned into something vaguely metrosexual. Can we now officially describe being repackaged into something that could be construed as gay as La Resistance Syndrome? By the way, with all of the blathering from Cole and Tazz about Heidenreich not being able to get in touch with his family (and that’s real; he hasn’t been in touch with them and according to 1bullshit Junior, will be heading down there next week with armed security to try to find them), why not a mention about Holly’s hometown of Mobile being devastated as well?

And do I need to even mention who the ref was for this match? I want to see Lil’ Naitch’s contract right now. It’s GOT to be in there that he gets to ref any women’s match on Smackdown.

I like the color scheme. So what if she was pandering to the Jacksonville crowd?

Just because Pat Patterson liked it when you touched him like that doesn’t mean that Bob Holly would as well

FudgePacker over Booker T (Pinfall, Samoan Flip (for lack of a better term)): Let’s just ignore that this was an angle advancement match for a second. Something that people don’t really talk about that much is Booker’s selling skills. He’s one of the best sellers in wrestling. He knows exactly when and how to do it, and that’s one big reason why any match he’s in, even against a stiff that he has to completely carry, is always entertaining and interesting to watch. Other than that, I don’t have anything to say because, as I said earlier, this was an angle advancement match, and they’re always shit.

Booker does what any of us from Chicago would do to anyone from Green Bay

DAVE over Simon Dean (Pinfall, DAVEBomb): For some reason, all I could do was sit here and wonder exactly how they get Simon Milk…on second thought, I don’t want to know.

Simon Dean prepares to join the Mars Rovers on their mission

Mister Regal and Paul Burchill over Scotty Go Potty and Sho Funaki (Submission, Scotty submits to Burchill, arm-bar): If Regal wanted somebody who was British, tough, no-nonsense, and takes no shit, he should have started tagging with Julie Burchill, not Paul. An arm-bar as a finisher? Please.

And now for the old British tradition, “Ram the Jap”

Randy Orton over Rey-Rey, Last Smackdown Match On Thursday (Pinfall, RKO): Personally, the only Orton I give a shit about is now the starting quarterback for the Bears, so allow me to be apathetic. It fits in perfectly with the mood of this match. In all his years of competing, there’s one thing that Rey-Rey has never been, and that’s boring. In this match, though, he was. And the fault lies completely with his opponent. Unfortunately, the only thing Orton can do is WWE Main-Event Style, and that’s a misfit with Rey-Rey. But since that’s the only thing he knows how to do, he can’t adjust and complement Rey-Rey’s strengths. This made for an excrutiating experience. Some way to go out after five years, huh?

This isn’t the first time that a guy wearing a mask has had his legs wrapped around Orton’s face

Yes, Rey-Rey! Go for the nuts!

Angle Developments:

To Add To The List: The devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina caused the cancellation of Southern Decadence, the mammoth end-of-summer party which has become a tradition in the gay community (so I’m told). Tragically, this left Randy Orton with nothing to do over the holiday weekend, so we can only hope that he’s enjoying himself as much as possible. Rumor has it that he’s already bought a half-dozen gym bags and thirty bucks worth of Taco Bell.

“Ah LUV mah gay son!”

(By the way, one fundamentalist weirdo in Pennsylvania has already come out and said that Hurricane Katrina was God’s act of vengeance against TEH EBOL GAY!!!11!!1! and New Orleans’ license of sexual freedom. Look, after Jerry Falwell got blasted from all quarters for saying shit like this in the past, you’d think that fundies would stay away from saying this kind of nonsense, but no. It just goes to show you fundies that there’s a reason the rest of us make fun of you. Your leaders are morons. You know, every time that I go through Topeka (as I’ll be doing this weekend), I want to cap Fred Phelps. And now I can say I’m doing it for the honor of the Swedish Royal Family.)

Until this, Home Depot was considering Eddy as a spokesman

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Sean Waltman and Alex Shelley over Konnan and Lance Hoyt, Chris Candido Memorial Cup, Second Round (Pinfall, Waltman pins Hoyt, X-Factor): Total nothing of a match, but with Waltman, Konnan, and Hoyt involved, I didn’t expect anything less. But, really, when you have that large a pile of shit in the ring, do you really need Billy Fucking Gunn to do the run-in? There’s only so much tolerance that people have.

How cute, Konnan’s sending a message to Chris Jericho

Shark Boy over Christopher Daniels, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): They spent the entire match making Shark Boy look like a good, very credible opponent for Daniels, and did a good job of it. It was much more of a competitive match than anyone expected. Then they pissed it all away by having Styles come out to ringside for the distraction. Here’s a f*cking hint, guys: given Shark Boy’s longevity and reputation, he is not enhancement talent, and should not be given cheap wins like enhancement talent. It just makes everyone look bad if things are done the way they were here.

Daniels should know that you can’t ground Shark Boy

Chris Sabin and Shocker over Ron Killings and Sonjay Dutt, Chris Candido Memorial Cup, Second Round (Pinfall, Sabin pins Dutt, La Magistral): So, how is it that WWE can’t do a good tag match to save their asses, while TNA pulls great tag matches like this one out of nowhere virtually every week, and from “thrown-together” teams like this? Everyone was on their game, they all got their spots in…even the miscommunication spot between Sabin and Shocker worked. This is another of those damned-with-faint-praise matches because we expected it to be good. That’s a big difference between WWE and TNA; WWE couldn’t pull off a concept like the Candido Cup because their “young guys” (even those being pushed to the moon right now) don’t have the in-ring talent of TNA’s “young” contingent. Too bad Killings is otherwise preoccupied; he and Dutt make a great team. And maybe they could keep Sabin and Shocker together after they lose to Waltman and Shelley next week. God knows they could use a couple more teams in there to liven up the tag scene.

Shocker takes Dutt for a ride

Sonny Siaki over Monty Brown (DQ, Too Much Damn Interference): And I was looking forward to seeing yet more proof that Sonny Siaki is the entire world’s bitch. Of course, his neck got Pillmanized by Brown during the general chaos, but, still, we didn’t need to have Apolo, Mister Ass, and goddamn Lance Hoyt out there to assist in this complete mess. Jesus, just give us a squash, let the crowd cheer for Monty no matter how much TNA wants us to believe he’s a heel, and end it there.

Siaki actually gets some offense in on Brown. Yes, we’re shocked too.

James Storm over Chase Stevens (Pinfall, Assistance From Chris Harris): Normally, watching tag specialists compete in a singles match is like watching tennis doubles specialists play each other. This was an exception. The guys beat the shit out of each other, kept a great pace going, and made everything flow perfectly. The only problems here were the cheap ending (although set up nicely by both guys superkicking each other) and the fact that what might have been the best part of the match, the stuff that went on on the ramp, was cut to pimp a DVD. Gotta give credit to them, though; they let it all hang out.

For those of you who’ve always wanted a good look at James Storm’s ass, here it is

Angle Developments:

The Fear Of God, Or Jarrett, Whichever Is Closer: I kinda like the way they’ve been going at the “fear October and the Invaders” angle. Yes, it’s smark-appealing, but it is realistic. It points out that TNA is a definite second on the food chain, and that the guys coming in are definitely going to be better-known than some of the TNA guys. And now that they’re on Spike and Spike’s going to want ratings…I know that some people have an intense loathing for work-shoots, but I don’t mind them as long as they’re reasonably done and stay within certain bounds. WWE failed immensely with the Edge/Hardy thing because their vocabulary has long been purged of the word “subtlety”. But this is totally within bounds, and totally within Jarrett’s manipulating character. So stay with it, and we’ll see what happens. They have to carry through on this. I’d love to see some backstage stuff about people not trusting Charlie Haas when he gets there next month (and he’ll be bringing his wife along with him, from reports). Don’t just drop this. Of
course, asking a wrestling company not to drop angles is like (insert Katrina analogy here).

Like Killings and James don’t know about WWE cutting people

Well, that’ll be it, and there won’t be any Short Form next week due to the fact that I’ve got some out-of-town business to carry out (and the fact that Smackdown will almost certainly be one hour due to the benefit concert). If you’re in the US, have a good holiday weekend and stay safe. And give a good thought to CBGB’s. After New Orleans, we can’t afford to lose that too. Fuck Noo Yawk.