Tonight on our night of labor…
Where we give thanks for workers all over the world…
Or pregnant women…
Or something or another…
WE WATCH PRO WRESTLING!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us on this, the day we share chocolate eggs with Santa…
It’s his last Rabble til Winter Break… BILL!
It’s his last Rabble I’ll quote him….. HERNANDEZ!
It’s his last Rabble he cares about….. ERIC!
It’s her last Rabble to dance during…. JENNA!
It’s her last Rabble to worship Baal…. DANI!
It might be his first Rabble ever!…… (not roommate) CHRIS!
Tonight we will get the Masterlock Challenge, but we are going to start with Kurt Angle!
“One Fish… Two Fish… etc..” – Yep, it’s a weekly call out.
His opponent is a rematch from Summerslam!
EUGENE vs. KURT ANGLE
Because Bischoff Wanted It….
Weak crowd reaction for Eugene. Match starts up with Kurt taking it to Eugene with a waistlock suplex and the beatdowns begin on the tard. European uppercuts, and beating Eugene in the corner. Kurt is apparently wearing a red white and blue mouthpiece.
Belly to back suplex. Vicious backbreaker. Kneelift. Yep, it’s time to make Kurt look unstoppable! A great spot by Eugene, a little thing, if you will as he slips back and falls against the second rope and comes back to get beaten. Kurt then headslams Eugene into the turnbuckle and he is ‘TARDING UP!’
“It’s that turnbuckle! They loaded it with catnip!” – Bill
Eugene gets the reverses, misses a charge, and Angle goes for the Ankle Lock.. that’s the win.
“Wow! He’s looking impressive!” – Chris
“Yeah, Angle’s ripped… in a non-gay way.” – Me
So Cena comes down to save Eugene’s life, but Tomko comes and rails on Tomko! Leaving Kurt in the ring to yell at Cena.
“He’s getting bigger as he’s yelling at him!” – Chris
“Who is he yelling at?” – Bill
“Huh?” – Eric
“I can’t see him..” – Bill
WINNER: Kurt via Submission
I have to say, the new Unforgiven commercial seems pretty nice.
“OOooo somebody got a new design team!!!” – Dani
In the back Tomko and Bischoff are talking, and here comes Kurt who thinks that Tyson deserves a reward. They’re sending him after Cena.
“To be fair, that’s exactly where Carlito was last time…” – Bill
Back in the ring..
“Aww for chrissakes” – Bill
“There are my girls!” – Dani
The Heartthrobs are in the ring… and their opponents.
HEARTTHROBS vs. VAL VENIS & VISCERA
Gayest Match Ever
“I find it hysterical.. 7 years later… and Val still wears a towel.” – Chris
Coach tries to convince us that Val and Visc have been successful as singles competitors. In the ring Romeo starts up with Val.
“So Visc went from the dark side to the pimp side?” – Dani
“Yes.” – Me
“So do you think they’ll shave off his mohawk?” – Dani
“No, it gives him his Samson-like power…” – Bill
So Val goes and gets the upperhand with nothing in particular, and then they tag in to Viscera who clears both guys. Viscera gets a high-end spinebuster, tags Val who goes for the Money Shot, but the Heartthrobs pull back and start doubleteaming on Val in the ring.
“We could stop the oil crisis.. just tap some Viscera action.” – Chris
The Heartthrobs run the doubleteaming gammut while we wait for Val to get the hot tag. He gets it, and clears the house. Backbody drops. Samoan drop. That’s that. Then they dance.. and girls in the audience are going blind.
WINNER: Val & Visc
Linda McMahon comes on and tells us to give money for Hurricane Katrina.
We then explain to Eric about the Hurricane… no, he had no idea…
Here comes Carlito! It’s time for the Cabana, and Ashley is his guest.. whee..
She’s so tiny! She’s pocket-size! Carlito says with that big check, she should probably get a new wardrobe. They make fun of each other’s hair, and Carlito preens that he’s the IC champion.
“Flair.. woo” – Bill
Carlito admits that he bloodied up Flair last week.
“It is my way” – Chris
Also somebody else got beat up last week.. oh was it Ashley? It was. So tonight Ashley is facing Torie Wilson one on one.
“Oh no.. he’s got an apple.” – Bill
“Here on the Cabana.. we have our own initiation..” – Carlito
“..it’s called gangrape.” – Chris
“..It is the way of my people” – Me
So as Carlito is chewing up good, we get FLAIR-TIME!
“Wrote down that I called it!” – Bill
Flair charges in, grabs Carlito by the nuts.
“TESTICULAR CLAW!” – Hernandez
Flair then beats the hell out of Carlito all over the ring.. eyepokes.. finger biting.. a lowblow…
“Applesauce!” – Hernandez
Flair grabs the mic as Carlito bails to the back. He wants to know where Carlito is going. He’s going to school. At Unforgiven, he’ll be teaching Carlito a lesson. Flair then drops the elbow on an apple.
“Why did he do that?” – Eric
“The same reason he dropped it on his jacket two weeks ago… evil fairies..” – Me
Cade & Murdoch… yadda yadda yadda…
Last Monday Edge and Matt fought in a badass street fight. The end of it involved both leaving in a stretcher. They overplay how bad it looked, but it was pretty vicious.
Bischoff is in the back watching – and who comes in, Matt Hardy! Bischoff asks if Matt understands what he’s doing. Matt only wants to hurt Edge. Bischoff then makes everybody’s dream come true… Hardy vs. Edge in a Steel Cage.
So to get him ready for that, it’s Matt vs. Snitsky next.
“Did Bischoff just leave Matt alone in his office?” – Eric
Here comesssss…. Matt Hardy, not looking all that happy.
“It’s not his fault..”
MATT HARDY vs. GENE SNITSKY
Then who’s fault is it?!?
And before the match starts…… Edge’s music hits.. he comes out wearing a neckbrace
“Crutches.. no crutches.. come on Pillman!” – Hernandez
The bell rings as Lita and Edge go sit over on the commentary booth. Snitsky charges in and Hardy ducks beneath some hits, but Snitsky obviously takes ahead of the game as Hardy is still hurt from last week. A big ol’ bodyslam, a few boots to his head. Toss into the corner and then a follow up clothesline.
Hardy tries to pull Snitsky’s arm, and Snitsky tries to charge after but eats the side-effect. Two count for Matt. Snitsky then tosses Matt to the ropes and hits his apparently new finisher.. it’s viciously cool!
“LOOK AT SNITSKY’S NIPPLES!” – Dani
“Why?” – Me
“They are nipples of steel!” – Dani
Snitsky gets the pin, and then goes out to get a ringbell. Edge starts begging for Snitsky to not finish off Matt.. and then HERE COMES THE BIG SHOW!
“Oh look he stands there and poses – instead of saving Matt?” – Chris
Show finally charges down and Snitsky bonks Matt and bails.
“Oh! I looked.. he does have nipples of steel…” – Bill
As we continue to explain that the Hurricane’s name was Katrina to Eric. I cannot believe the people that I hang around.
Here comes Tomko.
TYSON TOMKO vs. JOHN CENA
Why is this at 10pm?
Cena charges in and spears down Tomko. Suplex. Elbow drop. Pin for 2.
Cena gets up, but Tomko gets a little bit of offense, spinebuster, and a pin for two. Now Tyson’s got the top of it with knees to Cena’s head, a suplex of his own and another two count. Tyson moves right into a chinlock – and as Cena fights his way to his feet – Tyson clubs him down and sizes him up.
Cena gets up, Tyson charges, but Cena ducks! Flying tackle, 360 drop, five knuckle shuffle, FU… that’s that.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“..here comes Cena.. he’s a bezerker..” – Bill
As Cena gets up to the top of the key, Angle attacks. Stiff kicks to the head, and an angle slam right on the upper staging. Angle raises the spinner belt, me and Hernandez argue about the belt being cool.
While the replay goes on, we explain that Eric now has to bring in current events articles.
In the background, Angle talks about how much he deserves to be a champion.
“Spit spit spit spit…” – Hernandez
Here comes the boobage portion of the show… Torrie with Victroia AND Candace..
“It takes these 3 girls to equal 1 Christie..” – Me
Ashley comes down alone…
TORRIE vs. ASHLEY
Bell rings, and Ashley gets distracted by Victoria – turns around and gets beat on by Torrie. Torrie picks her up and hurls her by her hair. Ashley gets hit to the ropes, and screws up a sunset flip… yech.. 2 count.
Torrie then does the hair hold, and a dropkick to Ashley’s head. Finally Ashley charges Torrie and then punches her down, then spins out Torrie by the hair. Ashley hits the rope and Victoria drops the rope, sending her to the outside.. Victoria grabs her for a samoan drop, and Ashley gets dropped.
They bring her back in and a pin for 3.
“Somewhere in the back, Lita’s knee just blew out..” – Hernandez
We discuss how that match wasn’t entirely Ashley’s fault, Torrie has NO way of carrying Ashley through a safe match. Bad form on WWE for doing that, as I’m sure it will be the newbie who eats the blame.
WINNER: TORRIE WILSON
This message is from Dani, on the 3rd Masters promo video of the night:
“Dear Vince McMahon,
Please stop with Chris Masters. You may like him. We do not. Please stop this.”
Thank you sweetheart.
“Ain’t no stopping me now…” – Theme Music
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. ROB CONWAY
Old Middle Aged Women Are Popping For Conway…
The match is ABOUT to begin and we get a wonderful interlude… Frank Sinatra music as Kerwin White rolls on down to the ring in his golf cart. His video package even includes a white picket fence behind his name. The Rabble is loving it.
Although Conway decides this is the time to beat down on Shelton. They fight around for awhile, to the outside, and back in the ring. I swear it’s actually a solid match between both of them, but we are all razzing in the room. Okay, back to the match.
Shelton tosses Conway to the ropes. Conway holds on, and Shelton gets tossed over the top rope. Shelton leaps up to the top turnbuckle and a leaping clothesline. He gets the standing powerslam, and hits the ropes – he’s tripped up by Kerwin White and a roll-up from Conway… The End.
I apologize to the Rabble readers, as we all broke out into various conversations that consisted of ‘Kerwin White’ – ‘Shelton Benjamin’ – ‘Hurricane Katrina’ – ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ – and ‘Racism In Wrestling’. Don’t ask how they all chain together.
WINNER: ROB CONWAY
SHILL TIME! Hey it’s Mick Foley! Book signings for his new title ‘Scooter!’.
Hey, it’s Hurritime… or something or another. They are in fact facing Cade & Murdoch.
“Why is Cade done in a script font, which makes no sense.” – Dani
THE SUPERHEROES vs. THE COWBOYS
Why’d their promo appear tonight?
Murdock starting in the ring with Hurricane. Lock up, and Murdock pushing him to the corner. Murdock goes for a kick to the second turnbuckle, and Hurricane ducks out of the way. Helms gets the upperhand and a tag to Rosie. He starts with a bodyslam and tosses Murdock to the corner.
Murdock gets Rosie to the ropes and a tag to Cade. Doubleteam stungun on Rosie.
“Geez the ropes almost hit bottom.” – Hernandez
The ref is tied up with the Hurricane and the cheating continues. Frequent tag backs, doubleteam suplex to Rosie.
“Tonight seems like a Nitro night somehow..” – Hernandez
Fists from Cade to Rosie, pushing Rosie into the corner. Tag to Murdock, some punches. Tag to Cade, and they are both keeping Rosie in the corner. Finally Rosie tosses Cade off the top turnbuckle and we get a double tag.
Hurricane comes in with a huge clothesline to Murdock and some big ol’ shadow punches. Top turnbuckle dropkick. Hurricanrana from .. well Shane Helms.. and he hits the ropes, leaps into the arms of Murdock and Shane drops him down for a 2 count. Rosie charges Cade as he’s about to interfere.. but while Shane is helping, Murdock hits the top rope – and a top rope bulldog wins the match for Cade & Murdock!?
WINNERS (not for the title): CADE & MURDOCK
In the back.. hey it’s Chris Masters.. because we haven’t seen him at all tonight..
“Tell me who the man is?” – Chris Masters
“Shonuff…” – Hernandez
A flash to last week Ric getting put in the Masterlock last week. We watch Masters jiggle his boobies and preen. Wheeeee….
Hey … look … Masterpiece …
“POWDERED TOOOASSST MAAAAAN” – Bill
Hey.. look… Shawn Michaels …
“THE TIIIIMMEEE WARRIOR!” – Bill
Pyropalooza for what is going to amount to a beatdown from Masters. We are all completely unthrilled, and the crowd doesn’t seem that up on it either.
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. CHRIS MASTERS
Long drawn out set-up to get Shawn to even SIT in the chair. Shawn sits down.. lifts up his arms… Half-Nelson… and they both pull back. Masters dries off his forearms.
They set=up again…. and… LOCKED! Micheals pushes back to the corner once… twice… still Masters holds on. Shawn tries to kick of the counter corner, and denies. Shawn is now starting to fade out…
“ACTING!!!!!” – Chris
Shawn charges to the 2nd turnbuckle, and Masters let go! Ha! But only everybody watching the tv saw that! Shawn tries to stomp up a little bit of Jesus into him.. a few more charges back into the corner.. another attempt at leaping on the top rope. Still no unlocking.
Shawn is now fading. He’s holding on and..
“HE’S RESSURRECTING!” – Hernandez
“The power of Christ compels you…” – Bill
So Shawn mulekicks and Masters let him go.. we don’t know which, but Masters grabs the chair and then KLANG! A bloody Shawn. Masters tosses him right into the full nelson again. Refs and folk come on down to stop the move, including Dean Malenko…
So that’s how the show ends… whoop-de-f*ck.
So what did the Rabble think?
“Mediocre at best” – Eric
“Masters got another main event?!” – Bill
“ehhhh..” – Jenna
“Felt like a Nitro…” – Hernandez
“Pretty boring.” – Dani
“That last match made all wrestling retroactively suck.” – Chris
So that’s that. A pretty lame Raw, but we here at the Rabble wanna say good-bye to Bill who will be heading back to school. We’ll see him again during breaks, but you can keep up with him here at Inside Pulse/Comics Nexus with his column on Webcomics.
Til next week…