Where were you when you heard the news?
That Bill isn’t here?
Oh, you were probably here last week.. reading the Raw Review that does all of the funny for you.
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight are:
Bobba Fett – Eric!
Jango Fett – Hernandez!
Purpie Fett – Jenna!
Gangsta Fett – Laura!
Fiancee Fett – Dani!
MC Fette – Me!
Weeeeeell it’s the Big Show! I expect a high flying lucha match to start the show. This just proves it. And also.. You Think You Owe Me!
“I expect some guy to jump the rail… oh wait, we know his name now.” – Hernandez
Just like that, the bell rings.
Slooooow lock up, and Edge gets the behind grab – and…
“The crowd is already going out for sodas…” – Me
Butt bump from Show, and then Show tosses Edge to the corner. Show does the one handed slam – and then does the SHHHhhh chop..
“I think that’s the air conditioning.” – Me
Edge comes charging in finally, but gets tossed by Show. Edge slips when he’s going for a dropkick to Show’s knee. Just as he’s going for the chokeslam on Edge – Snitsky comes charging in and here comes Matt Hardy to clear house.
OH! WAIT! HERE COMES BISCHOFF!
“Tag match..” – Eric
“Yep…” – Me
So the match is RESTARTED as a tag match. Thanks Bischoff. Matt starts in the ring with Edge and huge forearms – and choking him in the corner. He tosses Edge to the corner, reversed by Edge. Edge charges, Hardy ducks and Edge eats a clothesline.
Hardy goes for a piledriver, but it’s denied and turned into a back body drop. Monkeyflip into the corner, roll-up for two on Edge. Now the tag to Big Show. He brings Edge right back to the corner, where Edge eats another chop. Tag back to Matt, and Danielle asks
“Jamie, why are you writing things? Can’t you just say – ‘This is boring'” – Dani
Hardy sets Edge up on the top turnbuckle, some kicks, tag to Show, Show kicks him and Edge falls outside.. hey.. commercial.
Back in the ring.. HEY things changed hands… I’m so frigging shocked! Good god, can everybody call in everything, always now? You know while this match goes on, I’m type and talk at the same time. Do you think that it might be that WWE is actually trying to make the show bad – so that Spike loses ratings? I mean we’re in 13 minutes … and I’m already, bured to tears.
“That’s because this is the dark match… somebody turned the switch.” – Hernandez
“I think the reason they are doing it is so that they can say that they can show their ratings on USA be so much bigger.” – Eric
I look up, and see Snitsky getting the Twist of Fate… slow hot tag to Show and Edge. Show goes nuts all over the place, and then goes after Edge outside. Edge gets away and gets the ring bell. Inside the ring, Matt is taking it to Snitsky.
Snitsky tries to charge Hardy, but Hardy gets his legs up – and as Matt hits the rope to capitalize further, Lita grabs Matt’s legs and now they are in the ring together yelling… and here comes Edge, low blow from Lita on Matt – Spear – End.
WINNER: EDGE & SNITSKY
“As a note.. Lita looks really good.” – Me
“You know, I would have even been ok with the Highlight Reel compared to this.” – Hernandez
So Edge continues to attack Matt, and Lita hits a Twist of Fate. OOoo snap.
He thinks he’s cute..
He knows he’s sexy…
“He knows he’s not curtain jerking” – Hernandez
“Point.” – Me
Shawn stands at the top of the key with Todd. Flashback of last week’s Masterpiece travesty. So Michaels gets a microphone, making this show at least nominally more interesting.
Shawn begs the question “Why did he do that?” in reference to letting himself be put into the Masterlock.
“Why? Because I’m Shawn Michaels. I’m untouchable. I’m teflon. I do things that other people can’t do. That’s why you picked me…” – Shawn
Tonight – Masters gets to face with Ric Flair, who is wearing a matching Band-Aid.
“WOOOO!” – Bill called, just to woo. I’m not lying.
“So now Shawn is the Tupper-warrior?” – Marty in Georgia.
Hey – what time is it…. it’s KERWIN TIME!
“Isn’t that Carlton Banks?” – Jenna
So here comes Kerwin, entering the ring with a golf club and a coathanger..
“Seems he’ll be facing off against Lita.” – Me
But there Won’t Be Stopping Me Now….
KERWIN WHITE vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Beginning of a feud…
Okay, Kerwin uses the hanger to hang up his vest. That was pretty amusing. They lock up, Shelton gets behind him, and clubs Kerwin in the back of the head. Hiptoss from Shelton. Kerwin gets a reversal, and then a shoulder check. He hits the ring again, and slides underneath Shelton’s kick. Shelton then grabs him with a slam.
“This is going to turn into WWF Gang Wars again.” – Hernandez
They fight in the center, Kerwin then lets the upperhand – Kerwin leaps to the corner and a missle dropkick. Kerwin grabs his clothesline and the ref stops him, so Kerwin takes off his sweater and chokes Shelton out with it, in time for the ref to turn around and see him folding it nicely.
“Hey.. is that Essa Rios?” – Hernandez
“Where?” – Me
“At the rate of this, out in the audience selling oranges.” – Hernandez
White goes after Shelton, but Benjy gets an elbow to his gut, and then fighting down Kerwin now. Shelton hits his backbreaker. A HUGE backbody drop. Shelton hits his spinkick and OUT goes Kerwin… waaay out.
“Way to sell it Chavo” – Eric
Kerwin comes back in the ring, golf club in hand – and two hits later….
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN via DQ
“My name is Kurt Angle. I’m an olympic gold medalist. I’m a 4 time World Champion. I’m the greatest wrestler on this planet. Everyone knows it….” – Angle
Preening and pimping by Angle. Nice easy intense promo.
Last week: Torrie couldn’t hold up a wrestler if she had sawhorses….
Coming down to the ring… Candice and Torrie in their greatest Roman toga bit.. they preen and dance and spin… Dani vomits. Victoria though, she’s wearing an outfit that looks like a flamingo was blended and turned into a jacket.
So they are inviting Ashley out to the ring.
“Why, if she knows she’s going to get her ass kicked.. does she come out?” – Me
“Contract…” – Hernandez
“So she can wear another hot outfit.” – Jenna
Ashley comes on down and says she WILL be coming down to the ring… and finally.. finally..oh my god… it’s TRISH!
“She’s not evil..” – Eric
“We don’t care…” – Hernandez
Trish comes in and charges on VIctoria, and a boot from Torrie stops her.
“Ooo, fractured disk.. she’s out.” – Hernandez
Trish grabs Torrie, Ashley comes in and spears Victoria. Torrie gets some beatdown.. there is lots of gratuity, and in the end Good-Trish is in the ring with Ashley.
“At least they let her keep the belt.” – Eric
“Who would they give it to?” – Hernandez
As a note – Trish has so far gotten the biggest pop of the night. That should tell the entire story.
Let’s see how THIS works out… I predict uncomfortable.
RIC FLAIR vs. MASTERPIECE
Flair gets a bigger pop than Trish.. thank god.. then again, this is Flair Country.. Woo!
Now, Chris ‘Lawler goes totally gay over’ Masters…
Masters goes for the lock-up and Ric Flair checks his hair. Heh. Masters tosses Flair to the ropes, bodycheck – and then Masters does the Flair stomp. Ric then gets a side headlock, turned to a wristlock then tosses Masters away to have Ric do the Masters muscle-preening.
Flair then takes it to Masters with some big chops, he hits the ropes – and gets caught.. full military press, Ric lands RIGHT on his side. Yep, he felt it… and then Masters does it again!
“…wrestling’s not real… wrestling’s not real…” – Hernandez
Masters calls for the Masterlock. Flair heads out, but Masters catches him on the ring apron. Suplex back into the ring, and a pin for only two. Flair gets to his feet, and some more chops. Masters don’t like that though and gets fists on Flair, tosses him to the corner and eats a clothesline for 2.
Flair pokes him in the eye, and a couple more chops, including a chop that sends Masters on his ass. Ric heads up to the top rope..
“dumbass..” – Me
And gets SLAMMED to the ground by Masters. He follows up with a nice press slam.
“Who is the maaaan?” – Masters in the ring.
“Shonuff!” – Me
Masters begins the set-up for the Masterlock. Flair drops, feet up, and kicks Masters right to the chin. Nice little out. He stands too close to the ropes, and gets clotheslined to the outside. As he climbs back in, he gets choked and dropped. He gets up fairly quickly, and pulls Masters out, tossing Chris into the stairs, the turnbuckle, eyepoke, and he goes to toss Masters one more time, but Masters grabs him. Side suplex.
Man is out on the outside.. yep, it’s time for…
In the ring, Masters got some bearhug on Flair – and then some shoulder rams right in the corner.. another back body drop. Hey, more bearhug. Flair claps the ears to break the hold, and Flair starts hitting fists and chops – but gets tossed by Masters. He runs in and clips Chris’ leg. Drops the knee on the ankle. Grabs Masters by the nose and continues to stomp right on Masters ankle.
Flair now seems like he might actually get a win here. I have no faith.. oh, there we go – Flair charges in, and Masters gets a choke, but Flair lifts up the knee and HITS THE FIGURE FOUR!!!!
“..carlitoo?” – Me
There he is. Belt to head. Sportz Entertaining at our best. Hey, here comes Michaels. Shawn clears out the house. Superkick to Carlito, and then Masters gets in there with the Masterlock.
“Who’s going to come in for HIM?” – Eric
“Flair…?” – Hernandez
“Marty Jannety where are you now?” – Me
“Methadone clinic?” – Hernandez
This tag team contest is scheduled with 2 people as a tag team.. 2 people who are not.
CADE & MURDOCH vs. EUGENE & TAJIRI
Murdoch starting in the ring with Tajiri. Lock up, sidelock from Murdoch – punches to Murdoch and a shoulder check drops him. Murdoch picks him up and a vicious bodyslam from Murdoch. He goes for a second, and Tajiri slides out of it and a drop toe, hip toss, monkeyflip. Nice! Cade comes in now to calm down his friend.
It’s now Cade w/ Eugene. Lock-up – Cade gets the arm wringer. Eugene drops out of it and hiptosses.. airplane spin!
“How long since you’ve seen an airplane spin, King?” – JR
“Since Eugene’s last match before his knee injury?” – Me
Back in the ring, Murdoch grabs Eugene and chokes him out a bit, Cade comes in and hits the reverse neckbreaker.
“This has been really stereotypical night. Black guy vs. “White” guy. Old guy vs. Young guy. Rednecks vs. Retarded guy.” – Jenna
Murdoch and Cade are now going for the back and forth tags. Their gimmick isn’t my favorite – but their tag wrestling is really strong. Cade goes for a lock up, Eugene spins it around for a backslide, but Murdoch distracts the ref. Cade gets out of it and starts just clubbing Eugene down. Tag to Murdoch, and as Murdoch gets up to the top rope for nothing in particular – Murdoch eats two boots.
Eugene hits the Stunner, and it’s a Tajiri hot tag. Tajiri comes right in there with high kicks, hitting right into Cade’s mush. Murdoch charges in, and he gets his OWN spin kick. Tajiri gets the Tarantula, but Murdoch comes in and WHACK to Tajiri – and here comes Eugene.
“DONKEY PUNCH!” – Hernandez
Cade slides out and takes out Eugene while Murdoch runs in and hits the sitdown powerbomb. Elbow drop from Cade. 1..2..3…
WINNER: CADE & MURDOCH
Umm…… we came back in the middle of a Lita interview…. wow, err… hmmf..
“Matt… welcome to the Devil’s Pulpit” – Edge
“He was up all night thinking of that…” – Me
Edge continues to talk about how Matt has not in fact stopped Edge.
“It ends at Unforgiven” – Edge
“No it doesn’t.” – Hernandez
“STOP LYING!” – Me
So – that ends abruptly – and they give us the rundown of Unforgiven with the addition of TORRIE & CANDICE vs. TRISH & ASHLEY. J R actually says this wrong twice before he gets it right.
“I’m confused.. I don’t know where I am… get me my pills..” – Me
And as a note, the cropping job on each one of these pictures is horrible.
HEY! LOOK! THE BACKSTAGE AREA! Here’s Bischoff standing on the phone. Cena comes in and says he doesn’t want the Handicap Match. He doesn’t want the title match. He’s through. He then offers Bischoff the title belt.
“Wait for it…” – Me
Cena then pulls it back, makes fun of the Bischoff, sounding as Rocky-esque as anyone ever has before… He even does the ‘HERE AT……….. LITTLE ROCK’
“Think they taped that so Bischoff could keep a straight face?” – Hernandez
Back in the ring… Kurt Angle comes on down.
“1 fish 2 fish.. etc.” – Me and Eric.
“That’s getting annoying..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL – Okay, Bowser attacking the ball pitcher is amusing.
Back in the ring, Tomko’s already there. Oh, and in case you didn’t know.. the Champ’s here.
JOHN CENA vs. ANGLE & TOMKO
Last seen with Jericho & Carlito
Tomko starting in, with Bischoff watching from the top of the key. Some quick abuse, and a quick ol’ tag to Angle. He tosses Cena back and forth, finally John picking up his feet – and then gets a sideslam for 2. They lock up, and Angle gets a rake to the eyes.
Tag to Tomko. Cena hits ropes, and then the flying shoulderblock – and Cena hits Angle, then slams down Tomko. In comes Angle and Cena goes and knocks down both men, but not before Tomko gets a hit on Cena.
Back in, Angle is choking out Cena in the corner. A hiptoss and a headlock to Cena in the middle of the ring. Cena fights out of it – he breaks the hold, but Angle pulls back and hits him hard with some forearms. He brings Cena into the corner and tags Tomko in who gets the powerslam for 2.
Out of nowhere, Cena brings up Tomko and gets the shouldercheck. Angle storms in and hits the german release, and THEN gets the tag. European uppercuts, stomps, gets 2 – tags Tomko. I am soooo utterly bored with this booking that I really could write what I THINK is going to happen, and it would be more interesting.
“Hey Jamie?” – Eric
“Yeah?” – Me
“Can I tell you what I think about Raw, now?” – Eric
“Sure…” – Me
“That bottle of salad dressing is more interesting. I hate shows before pay-per-views.” – Eric
I look up to see Angle has Cena in a headlock – and Cena is fighting out of it.. hey look he did with a sideslam.. GOOD CHRIST DIDN’T I JUST WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT 5 MINUTES AGO! Angle gets the hot tag to Tomko after lying down til the 7 count. Tomko goes after Cena, but Cena gets power out of NOWHERE! He clears Tomko – He clears Angle. He hits a spotfest on Tomko, and then goes for the FU…
ANGLE COMES IN – GERMAN SUPLEX WHILE CENA HOLDS TOMKO – Nice! As Angle tries to capitalize – Tomko comes from behind to boot Cena ducks – Angle eats Tomko’s boot…
FU on Tomko… 1 2 3
WINNER: JOHN CENA
Angle stays in the ring and goes and hits the Angle Slam – and a bunch of other moves that I’m sure are vicious and destructive. I’m sure this is the worst beatdown that JR has ever seen… I bet it puts into question how Cena is going to wrestle this weekend. The tragedy of it all.
Does anyone show up to save Cena? No.
THE EXCRUTIATING END!
What did we think?
“The opening intro of UFC had more overall oompf…” – Hernandez
“sucked..” – Jenna said.. sleeping.
“A not so Clever Waste Of Time” – Dani
“I am going to rant about this tomorrow on the forum board.. go check it out” – Me
So this show actually made me NOT look forward to Unforgiven.. with horrible lead-in, I don’t expect crap out of the show. That is the problem with calling in a show like this.
Oh well, I’m not reviewing anyway because I might be in Baltimore. See you next week. Sorry.