The Crucifix

That’s right, it’s Wednesday and I’m in Bambi’s spot. Hopefully she has headed to higher ground by now, out of the wrath of another possible hurricane. At least she has the common sense to get out.

In my estimation, a Wednesday column would be great to do because you have Raw to build off of and there is always some news to float around. Unfortunately, Raw sucked and the news sucked, so…well…I won’t be happy for the duration of this column and will do some fantasy booking, involving legends and icons…yeah…I’m THAT bored with wrestling. But lemme peek at Raw, as if I really want to go back to it again…

– Big Show vs. Edge…do I really have to get into exactly why I already hated Raw at this point. Not to mention you drag Snitsky out there and follow that up with Matt Hardy and I’m about to chance the channel to Stacy and Clinton a mere 5 MINUTES into the show.

– I must agree with Eric. If Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair were cutting a promo about anyone other than Chris Masters, I might be interested.

– Ok, white dudes can’t play basketball, barely hold onto baseball, aren’t anything other than quarterback in football. They have hockey and wrestling. Until a Hispanic coverts to whiteyism and now sucks due to it. Poor Chavito. Also, what the hell is up with burying Benjamin? Did they get his phone records and see a call to Haas after his release and just kill him for it?

– It’s been said before, but I’ll repeat for those who haven’t seen it: If Trish Stratus were a man, she would be a multiple time world champion. Don’t EVEN try to say anything different. This was the only bright spot on this show.

– MY GOD KILL CHRIS MASTERS. Have Muhammed Hassan come back and blow him up with a roid bomb or something, just END HIM. For everyone that says it’s good to be friends with Triple H, look at what his two friends are doing! And don’t email me with the “They’re FINALLY enhancing talent, you dipshit Hevia!” Because this is just horseshit.

– Say I took a broomstick and a blowup doll. I get into a ring and I am immediately more interesting than Cade and Murdoch.

– John Cena defeats Angle and Tomko in a handicap match. Didn’t we see this with two other people like…LAST MONTH? Seriously, if this is the best creative can do, get rid of them and hire some actual goddamn fans to write the show. If myself, Eric, Double M and Scooter got the book, it would take us about 5 seconds to figure out how to frame the show time wise and we could have the shit working nicely in a month.

– Wait, that was the end of the show. By the way, go spend your hard earned money on a PPV while WWE proceeds to shit all over you. At this rate, I’ll be tuning into Spike on Mondays at midnight and not watching Raw within weeks. This is coming from someone who doesn’t really even care for TNA. Yes, I checked out their PPV because of a good recommendation from FLEA and, in tribute, hawr hawr TNA is better than WWE! Imagine if WWE could get their shit together…then imagine if TNA made the X Title their world title… who wins? TNA. Now I’m not full fledged…yet…but WWE really has some splainin’ to do. Explain to me why they think that they can skate this shit by the fans every week and expect them to pay for it. At the very least TNA gives a 3 to 4 star match for the fans to enjoy. What does WWE give? NOTHING. They expect us to get amped about a bunch of retirees coming back for A SHOW and some people coming back from their vacations? That’s what they are pimping as the big WELCOME HOME episode of Raw? PLEASE! When the most excitement I have had over this show in almost a month is the return of Trish, something is wrong. And that’s nothing against Trish. A coupld of weeks ago I jokingly put up a picture of myself in front of a TNA logo as a nod to Jericho’s shennanigans. It may just become true because quite frankly, I just can’t take this shit from WWE anymore. I’d rather deal with hating Jeff Jarrett than hating Chris Masters, and I know the majority of you feel the same way.

Well, she’s finally back on PPV

Visit Victoria at

– Brock Lesnar is going to lose a BUNCH of money if he tries this.

– You are not Tough Enough, GOODBYE!

– It’s a WWE release party, it’s called Unbreakable!


Now onto my fantasy booking…part one. I’m going to continue this ala Jed for as long as it takes for me to get the entire story out. This is coming about because WWE has decided that they are now WCW and will have every retiree showing up when they come back to USA. If they’re going to do it, I might as well book it how I’d like it. Let’s plant some seeds.

Raw opens with Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair in the middle of the ring. He cuts a promo about WHOOO, the night of champions! If they’re going to have a night of champions they need the Nature Boy because he is 16 TIMES a World Champion, but the IC Title is a nice piece of gold as well. Since it is a night of champions, he will defend his title against anyone who wants to step up. Triple H’s music hits and Flair’s jaw drops. HHH makes his way to the ring, taking extra long, so everyone can see how good he looks after months off. He gets into the ring and gives his good friend a hug. “Naitch, it’s been a long time since the founding fathers of Evolution have been together, but it’s good to be back. Now everyone knows that Batista got lucky and wound up on Smackdown. Long before that Randy Orton showed he just didn’t have the mind to be part of Evolution. So naturally, Evolution continues and Ric and I both know, only the cream of the crop can be members. So tonight…tonight we start the process of finding the new future, the new stars. Everyone better take note.” Flair, smiling, replies “What better way, WHOOO, for the boys to become men than to step in the ring with THE NATURE BOY! WHOOO” HHH gives Flair a dumbfounded look and agrees. Out comes Rob Conway, The Con Man. “Ric, you didn’t tell me that we were working the YMCA tonight” says Triple H. Conway gives a Bagwell grin and says “You say title, I say let’s go. Tonight you not only step into the ring with the future Intercontinental Champion, you step in the ring with THE FUTURE and the future can only go one way, THE CO…” “WHOOO! THIS RING, THIS IS MINE! THIS BELT, THIS IS MINE! THE WOMEN, MINE! THE JETS, MINE! YOU GET THE SHOT. YOU GET THE SHOT. I OWN YOU! OWN YOU!” Triple H calms Flair down as best he can and ends the segment with these words for Conway: “The future is Evolution, and that means A game only. You better bring yours.”

I am only booking the Legends and shit. I could care less about the rest.

Real American hits, and Hogan is out. He thanks the fans for always standing by him and thanks them for making Hogan Knows Best a big hit. The last time you saw him in the ring, he showed that Legends always know how to stop Icons, no matter what game is being played. But in the end, he respects Shawn Michaels. With that, it seems as though he has his ring gear on so if a young guy wants a match to get some exposure, it’d be a good time to march…The glass shatters and out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin. He hits the first turnbuckle and as he crosses to the second one he gives Hogan the familiar look he always gives his opponents, but he doesn’t continue to the other turnbuckle…he gets nose to nose with Hogan and the arena has now lost it’s mind. They stare each other down for a good two minutes before Hogan puts the microphone to his lips. Before he can get a word out Austin chimes in…”WHAT!?” He takes the microphone and laces into Hogan. “So you’re back? Ready to fight. Hogan Knows Best. Reality star. I ain’t never been much for reality TV because it’s all a bunch of bitchin’ and moanin’. But from what I hear, that’s what you do best. Now don’t get me wrong, I respect what you did about a quarter century ago, but I got a problem with you Hogan. You said that you would be happy to make Stone Cold Steve Austin a star. Just like you made Shawn Michaels a star. HA…HA…HAAAAAAAAA! You think for one second about the history of Stone Cold and you think of a some things: Beer, Whippin’ asses, Beer, takin’ names, beer, and the number one superstar of all time!” “Listen brother!…” “SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH! I never had cartoons. I never had people just lay down for me. I scratched and I clawed and every damn person in this arena that knows it gimme a hell yeah!” “HELL YEAH!” “So, HULK, I…know…this…might…be…too…hard…for…someone…your…age…to…deal…with…but…” Austin flips Hogan the bird and hits a Stunner out of nowhere. The glass shatters as Austin walks off.


Mick Foley is in the back chatting it up with Shawn Michaels when Flair and Triple H walk by. “Hey Ric, it’s Mick Foley and Shawn Michaels, maybe they can be in Evolution!” “HA! Hunter, I think they’re just too old” Flair replies with a smile as the two walk off. Foley looks at Shawn and says “Did I just get called old by an AARP member?”

World Champion Kurt Angle is in the ring, lamenting about the night. “I’m a freakin’ multi-time World Champion! I’m the current freakin’ champion! Tell me for one second why this night is about a bunch of guys that are retired and a bunch of guys I’ve made tap out!” Screeching tires, as Foley comes out. “Kurt, this is what is called as drawing a good rating. Vince McMahon called us and begged because he didn’t want to come home to USA and come back..right here…in OKLAHOMA (thumbs)! He didn’t want to do it flatly. He was worried about your state of mind and wanted some people to lighten the show up. Because…well…you’re a little weird.” Angle strikes and Foley strikes back. Forearms for Angle in the corner and Foley sets up for the running knee. Angle dodges at the last second and turns it into the Angle Lock! The refs come in and break it up as Angle walks off to his music.

In the IC Title match, Flair and Conway go back and forth in a surprisingly exciting match. Ref bump and Conway lays into Flair with brass knuckles, prompting Flair to fall head first into Mike Chioda’s crotch. Triple H runs down and grabs the title. He gets into the ring and takes aim at Conway. Conway ducks and Flair catches a face full of belt. DDT on Triple H and a flying elbow for Flair and we have a new IC Champion!


We will continue this next week children. Sleep well…or good morning…WHATEVER…go check out a WWF idea that didn’t pan out…THANK GOD.

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