D2 Review: VH-1 Celebreality!!! AKA: Time For A Second Chance

The insurgence of the reality programming on television has prompted actors in Hollywood to complain more than their riders not being met with “1,000 count sheets” or “no green M&M’s”. They’re now complaining about not getting work. I mean, after all, they were born with this talent and need to share it with the rest of the world.

These bitches of contestants on these reality shows have just showed up for an open casting call. They have no formal training. Puh-leaze! Who do they think they are!!!

So now… oh boy do these actors really have a reason to be pissed.

B-list… no, C-list, can I get a D-list that Kathy Griffin would flock to? Well, maybe. Television has dug deep into the vaults of Hollywood Squares to get the best possible ‘has beens’ back in front of a camera.

Actually, these are stars aren’t really D-list, we’ve heard of them and they were big at one time, yeah, as in the time when we had to get up to change the channel because televisions didn’t have remotes back then and there were only 4 network stations (unless you count PBS) so we were basically captive audiences.

So now we have VH-1’s new Sunday night lineup which is my Absolut favorite night of the week. (Note: no misspelling in Absolut… can I get an alcohol trademark sponsah??!?!!)

This past Sunday was interfered with some football (on my part…as evolution has given us the remote control) so let’s begin with Hogan Knows Best.

Now, we all remember Hulk Hogan, right? And he certainly wants us to keep it that way as he has not changed his appearance one iota since his WWF (I’m still calling it that Mr. Wildlife Federation guy) and Rocky days… goatee, bandana, tank tops….mmm that’s a good look.. Going door to door to ask the neighbors if they like your rooster? Is this a joke? Are you kidding me? And I love the fact that the Hulkster goes to city hall to defend his pets honor in said tank top and flip flops…which just recently had an issue at the White House. Who said they weren’t formal wear? So the basic premise of this episode was that the neighborhood hates the pets (take a numbah) and they’re standing up for what they believe in… (said mangy mutts) But I’m gonna have to nominate my favorite as the “judgement overturned” update… much like the end of Animal House and the Family Hogan no longer has to pay the fine.Whew, now I can get some sleep.

Up Next on VH-1…”The Surreal Life” Is Janice Dickenson the craziest person on the planet? I am so in love with this train wreck that I think that Amtrak should be begging for endorsements from the world’s first supermodel.

Aaaaannnndddd Action!!!!

“Hi I’m Janice Dickenson, most of you may know me from being the worlds first supermodel…or maybe that’s what I keep telling myself… the other 99.999% of the public who even know who I am think I’m crazier than Omorosa! But if you really like watching trains going down the track not knowing if some black bitch is gonna call you crack-whore again…. then you should choose Amtrak… cause the crazies stay with Ozzie… on da Crazy Train!!! The supermodel crack ho’s stay with me… on VH-1!!!” Love IT!!!

Then there’s the very boring “My Fair Brady”… which I will have to toot my own horn on this one… I’ve met Peter Brady, when I lived in Manhattan Beach.. I bought him a “pork – chops – & applesauce” shooter (aka watermelon shooter) in the mid 90’s. He kissed me on the cheek. We were obviously in love… Now tell me THAT ain’t better than his girlfriend, a “model”, dressing up in S&M gear to spank is naughty ass before Mrs. Brady, Florence Henderson, comes over for lunch to analyze their relationship!!!! I THOUGHT NOT!!!! I win…

If anyone out there in reality land knows a thing about reality… it’s saving the best for last..

And who’s better than coming in last than Danny Bonaduce!!!

This is by far the greatest drama from a redhead since… we can’t really count Opie… cause he’s acutually good… so let’s go with David Caruso…perfect. Thinks he’s cool….he’s not. Danny learned at a young age that drama (aka crying in front of the public) will get you screen time… I mean, come on, he’s a child actor who “has to live up to the ruined child actor status”. Well done. Marrying his wife the night he met her, only to have a transvestite encounter years later and then to have an affair on her 15 yrs and 2 kids into the relationship!?!?!? You can’t write stuff this good… or apparently act it cause it’s starring Danny Bonaduce.

I love tv. Whoever invented tv was brilliant, however, whoever invented MTV had me in mind. (*Disclaimer: the person who invented MTV did not actually have me in mind… they had Kurt Loder…how is he still around? )