TNA At Ringside: Happy Birthday To Me

Welcome back to a special birthday edition of At Ringside everyone. As I mentioned last week, this week will just be nothing but me babbling about whatever I feel like babbling about. So let me get started.


I’ll start with what’s on my television screen, Full House. What the hell happened to the Olsen Twins? They had such potential to be hott, now they are anorexic crack whores with a lot of money to buy more crack. Oh yeah, they also dropped out of college but that worked for Kanye West.

Speaking of the loveable Kanye West, I’m sure you’ve heard the CD and read the comments. “Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Is Kanye right? Of course he is. Has any president ever cared about the black person? No. How do I know this? Because if any president cared about the black person, they would have given them land or money in payment for treating them like shit so many years ago. After say all that, I will say that I Love Bush (the pussy not the president). Yes, I stole that from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

But while he’s bashing the president, he is putting out very good music. Late Registration is the only CD I have bought this year (come on, paying for music?) and will most likely be the only CD I buy this year unless Dr. Dre gets his ass to work and finishes Detox. Vote for Kanye West in 08.

Back to Dr. Dre and for that matter the entire Aftermath camp. Why does 50 Cent get to make a movie? I’m glad he got shot 9 times and survived but lets all face it, the man isn’t very talented on the mic. “Clinkiety Clank, Clinkety Clank, The Money Goes Into My Piggy Bank” doesn’t exactly win awards for Chorus Of The Year. I like 50 Cent, mainly because he is in the same camp as Eminem but he is making millions based on hype, not on skill. I don’t know who’s heard 300 Shots by the entire G-Unit crew (which has expanded since Game was booted) but it sucks ass. 300 Shots is like 10 people spitting 30 bars (give or take) and not saying shit the entire time. 300 Bars (by Game) is by one person spitting 300 bars and dissing the entire G-Unit crew. Chalk one up for Game.

Why do rap artists feel the need to take off their goddamned shirts? So you work out, I’m happy for you. Notice all the best artists keep their shirts on. Jay-Z, Kanye West, Eminem (unless it’s a joke), and Nas. Just because you would rather work out instead of perfecting your craft, doesn’t make you a better artist. It just makes horny teenage girls say, “I would f*ck him.”

Moving away from rap and moving to shit I can watch. Jon Heder is in some new Reese Witherspoon movie. Do you care? Of course you don’t. Nobody wants to see Jon Heder unless he’s saying “Gosh”, “Idiot”, or “Ever take it off any sweet jumps?” That’s how we are always going to remember Jon Heder. The only way he will change that, is if he wins an Oscar, and even that may not help.

As I turn the channel from ABC Family to MTV, I see Ashlee Simpson. Why the f*ck is she still allowed to sing? I will admit that I like Ashlee as a person. I will admit that the bitch couldn’t hit a note even if she was trying to get out of gym. Ok, nobody got that one or it wasn’t funny. Whatever, she can’t sing and she shouldn’t be allowed to put out a new album. Why does she though? Because her dad is Joe Simpson and his super sperm created her along with Jessica. Thank you Joe Simpson. You have produced two semi-talented daughters who have become very famous because in the entertainment world, looks and not talent matters.

As I thank Joe Simpson, I want to give a big “Fuck You” to whoever Kevin Federline’s father is. Because of you, producing Kevin, we have lost the women who used to be considered “The hottest women on the planet.” Now she’s pregnant acne whore who goes bare foot in a public bathroom. Why couldn’t she just stay with Justin?

Let’s move from MTV to ESPN. Woody Paige says: LOOK AT THE SCHEDULE!

Somebody please tell me how Jason Giambi has managed to hit 30 HRs in really just a half of a season. Wait, I’ll tell you. He’s back on them steroids. I’ve seen some of his home runs, it just looks like he sticks his bat out there and the ball magically goes 400 feet. He can say he “Found his swing” but he should be saying that he “Found his needle.”

On the subject of Steroids, Barry Bonds is back. Big f*ckin deal. Barry Bonds thinks he’s the center of the universe. He gets a recliner in the locker room. He doesn’t talk to the media. He wants us to feel sorry for him. He’s just a prick. The only person I feel sorry for is Ruth and Aaron who will most likely have their home run records passed because Barry Bonds knows some people, who know some people, who robbed some people, who take steroids.

As I take a break to check the mail, I see that I have received a birthday card along with a Hockey News Season Preview magazine. You know what that means? HOCKEY IS FUCKING BACK! Let’s go Avalanche.

Since nobody gives a shit about hockey, I’ll just stop there. The NFL is also back which is great news for a sports betting man like myself. While my Panthers didn’t get the job done in Week 1, I still say they are a playoff team. I think they just felt sorry for the Saints and wanted to make them feel good. That and the fact that Kris Jenkins can’t stay healthy for 1 damn game.

Now I did bet on the Monday Night Football game this week (the real MNF game, not the cheap pitty ploy by the NFL NF game.) I took Washington covering a 14-point spread. Sounds like a pretty fair bet don’t you think?

I need a break from writing, classes wore me out today and I’m feeling sick. Nap time.

After a nice hour-long nap, I’m ready to finish things up.

My Wife and Kids is on and wouldn’t you know it, a Wayne’s Brother is guest starring.

Oh shit, The O.C. is back on FOX for its new season. The Season 1 & 2 DVDs held me over just long enough. I was about to lose it (ha ha ha ha ha) if I didn’t get some new O.C. episodes. Why do I watch the O.C.? Well, I heard Marissa (Mischa Barton) and Alex (Olivia Wilde) were going to kiss last season. I’m not one to turn down a hott lesbian kiss. I was two episodes early but damn I was hooked. Rachel Bilson is pretty smoking herself.

When the hell are Matt Stone and Trey Parker going to give me some new South Park episodes? Or At least the new seasons DVD.

Why the hell did Hollywood feel the need to make RollerBounce? I don’t need a movie full of today’s black teenage stars parading around in roller-skates and dancing. The 70’s House was bad enough.

Wow, MTV is showing a replay of the VMAs. Like we really need to see Diddy and Omarion dancing for no f*cking reason once again. I’ll watch the end of it because God knows you can’t get enough Kelly Clarkson getting wet.

I’ll end things up with some wrestling.

What the f*ck happened on Raw this week? Did creative use logic and say “Nobody is going to watch this damn show because MNF is back” and then just put on a show? Aside from Michaels and Flair giving a less than stellar interview (mainly because their opponent are green and haven’t accomplished shit), there was nothing to see on Raw. I would have rather watched Diddy babble about why he dropped the P from his name.

Back to Michaels for right now. Who’s idea was it to book him against Chris Masters? I thought Masters was going to face The Big Show. What the hell happened to that (horrible f*cking) idea? Michaels future is just dwindling right now. From jobbing to a green vet he’s very good on the mic. To putting up with a green rookie who sucks on the mic. I guess they are just saving him until Triple H comes back and they can face each other a million times more. WWE just better hope that Masters doesn’t f*ck up a double sledge and break Michaels’ back.

Ever since I stopped doing the Smackdown! report, I haven’t watched a second of the show. I hear that Eddie is finally back in the World Title picture. Maybe he can carry Batista to a good match. JBL has nowhere to go now except maybe a short stint feud with Rey. Why the hell are the tag titles on LOD2K5. Oh wait, I know why. BECAUSE VINCE LOVES DEM BIG MEN! That’s why LOD2K5 are tag champs, Masters gets to face Michaels, Snitsky and Show get decent air time, Kane used to be a regular until Matt Hardy f*cked him over, Tomko has a role in the World Title feud, Batista is the World Champion, and Undertaker always has something to do. VINCE LOVES DEM BIG MEN!

Too bad he could care less about the Tag Team Division. If Cade and Murdoch win the Tag Titles at the PPV (which I hear is this Sunday), they will be squashed by Big Show in a handicap match within a month. Mark it down.

In better wrestling news, TNA put on another good PPV.

Now it wasn’t PPV Of The Year or anything but it was good enough to hold my attention for 3 hours and had enough good matches for me to mark out to. Raven/Rhino along with Abyss/Sabu were beat the f*ck out of each other bloody matches. I respect the men who take risks that they shouldn’t have to take but do just to please the fans. The ROH guys impressed me and I hope they continue to be used. Sabin/Petey was probably the best I have seen out of those guys. Waltman no showing means they should send him back to Chyna or China. I don’t care which one. Anything I didn’t mention was passable, except…

Except the f*cking Main Event of course. TNA made a statement by putting those guys on last. That statement was “The X Division is our key division.” They let Joe, Daniels, and Styles go out there and cut them loose. That was the best and right thing for TNA to do in this situation. All 3 men gave it their best and in the end they walked away with a serious Match Of The Year contender. I don’t know how they are going to top that match at Bound For Glory but damned if I’m not tuning in to see how.

So that’s it for my babbling I guess. I’m going to go play NHL2K6 because it’s the best damn hockey game period. Thank you for taking a break from the norm and reading. Drop me a line at and join me next time At Ringside.