(view of northern Malá Strana from atop Chrám sv. Mikuláse)
Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by McCountry pork burger from McDonald’s, a sandwich that I enjoyed many a time while on vacation in Prague. After doing some reading, I found out that this wonderful culinary sensation, which consists of two pork sausage patties, lettuce, tomato, onions, cheese, and a paprika/horseradish sauce on a sesame seed bun, originated in nearby Yugoslavia as a symbol of national pride. Since the main meat of choice in most Slavic nations is pork (while in Prague, I snacked on pork sausage, pork goulash, and pork knuckles, among other things), it was later adopted by nearby nations. It may be a bold statement, but I think the McCountry is the best thing I’ve ever eaten in a McDonald’s restaurant, ever (this from a devoted fast food junkie).
Needless to stay, my vacation was awesome, as Prague is filled with lots of beautiful baroque-era architecture, and is a city where the food is cheap and the beer is ridiculously cheapâ€â€most bars sell 0.5L of the local pilsner for about 20Kc (about 83 cents). That’s insanely awesome.
Also, I’d like to thank Michaelangelo McCullar for filling in for me last week, as well as offering my congratulations on winning The Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale #2. I f*cking hate Puff P. Diddy Daddy Diddy Ad-Hoc Award Demanding Sack of Shit, and every time I rip on him in the staff forums (which is relatively often), Michaelangelo sticks up for that him, so that’s the inside joke there: Michaelangelo <3 P. Diddy. BWAHAHAHAHA.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (CZECH FOOD EDITION)1
After eating like a gluttony-ass glutton whilst on vacation, I have decided to pay tribute to some of my favorite Czech food items by likening my fellow writers to them.
Klobása
Gulás with houskové knedlÃÂky
Smazeny syr
Dábelske toasty
Zelnacka
tlacenka
Beer
Staropramen
Krusovice
Pilsner Urquell
Kelt
Budweiser (not to be confused with the Anheuser-Busch abomination of the same name)
NEWS TO USE
Tom Waits has filed a lawsuit against a German GM auto division Adam Opel AG, and German advertising agency, McCann Erickson, after the two used a “sound-alike” in their European ad campaign after he rejected offers to sing for their commercials. Waits’ attorney told reporters that he had been contacted several times to do the ads, but he replied by saying that he doesn’t do commercials. A few months later, he found out that there were commercials airing in Scandinavia featuring a singer that sounded very similar to him. Waits said that he would seek an amount including profits from the ads and damages for violating his “personality rights,” adding, “Apparently the highest compliment our culture grants artists nowadays is to be in an adâ€â€ideally naked and purring on the hood of a new car. I have adamantly and repeatedly refused this dubious honor. … While the court can’t make me active in radio, I am asking it to make me radioactive to advertisers.” After hearing about this lawsuit, Queen Latifah has decided to file a lawsuit against Pizza Hut for using some chick that sounds an awful lot like her in their commercials, and 50 Cent has sued a total of 15708 people, places, and things for looking like him.
According to John Lennon’s first wife, Cynthia Lennon, the singer had a horrible temper. She writes in her upcoming book that Lennon would often throw tantrums due to jealously and possessiveness, and even hit her in the face one time in the early 1960s, while they were both in college, after seeing her dancing with one of his friends. This just shows that pieces of shit who hit women don’t deserve to live and will always eventually get their comeuppance, one way or another, even if it takes almost 20 years.
Quick Bits
Courtney Love was sentenced on Friday to 180 days in jail for having violated her probation and used drugs, but the judge allowed her to serve her time at a live-in drug rehab center since she had made some progress previously at that facility. He pretended to cough while he was saying that last part, but you could tell that he was actually trying not to laugh.
Britney Spears gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday in Santa Monica, Calif. She had a Caesarian section because her mother told had her that natural childbirth was excruciatingly painful, and she wussed out.
The Game donated his customized 2005 Bentley Continental GT to Morgan Freeman’s Charity Folks auction, in order to raise money for the American Red Cross’ hurricane relief. Part of the proceeds from the sales of his new sneaker will go to the disaster relief as well.
Audioslave’s performance at Havana’s Anti-Imperialist Plaza from last May will be available on a live CD and DVD, titled Live in Cuba, available on Oct. 11. It features 18 tracks, including Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” and “Spoonman,” and Rage Against the Machine’s “Bulls on Parade.”
According to Weezer, they might split up. According to me, I might not care.
Kelly Clarkson has cancelled three shows in Nevada and Washington, due to on ongoing bout with bronchitis. She cancelled two in California last week, and had hoped to perform the upcoming shows, but was still too sick to get through a rehearsal on Friday.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Rod Stewart, “You’re in My Heart (The Final Acclaim)”
Donovan, “Sunshine Superman”
AC/DC, “TNT”
Nirvana, “Heart-shaped Box”
LL Cool J, “Mama Said Knock You Out”
Kraftwerk, “The Model”
!!!, “Hello? Is This Thing On?”
The Brian Setzer Orchestra, “The Dirty Boogie”
Soul Asylum, “Runaway Train”
Soundgarden, “Burden in My Hand”
Poison, “Nothing But a Good Time”
Tool, “Ænima”
DJ Krush & Toshinori Kondo, “Mu-Getsu”
M, “Pop Muzik”
Rush, “Driven”
Supertramp, “Take the Long Way Home”
The Zombies, “Tell Her No”
The Nails, “88 Lines About 44 Women”
Pulp, “Common People”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Justin Jeffre, of the defunct boy band 98 Degrees, came in fifth out of seven mayoral candidates in Cincinnati’s primary on Tuesday, getting 1.7 percent of the overall vote. He said that running for mayor was a life long dream, and that he might try it again, because failing miserably is lots of fun.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and yo no soy marinero (yo no soy marinero), soy capitan (soy capitan, soy capitan).
Cheers
-JF2k5!
1 I’m unable to render a hacek (a diacritical resembling a small “v” that floats over certain letters in the Czech language to differentiate the sounds that they make). I apologize for any confusion that this may cause, and wholeheartedly blame Lil Jon.
