The Smackdown Short Form, 09.16.05

Well, it’s a single-show Short Form this week with no Impact. Of course, no Impact didn’t stop TNA from showing their true colors and putting the belt back on Jarrett. And they turned AMW in the process. Let’s just say that this is as surprising as Kate Moss doing tootski. Believe me, I had some choice words to say about this in the super-secret writers’ forum. About TNA, not about Kate Moss. All I can say is that D’Amoron had better book this really, really well, otherwise he may have the wrath of the IWC on his fat ass. Considering the fact that TNA needs the IWC right now for some free publicity for Impact On Spike, pissing us off is not the best thing to do.

Otherwise, let’s see…Ah-nuld’s running for reelection, thus making the California governorship his most successful comedy project ever. New Zealand just had a hot-and-close election, and Germany will follow suit on Sunday (so will Afghanistan, only with more violence). A Bush got arrested for drunk-and-disorderly; gee, what a surprise (the whole family is complete and utter scum, folks; I’ve told this to you a million times, so how much will it take for you to believe me?). A survey by the CDC shows that American teenagers are more conversant than ever in the art of oral stimulation; you don’t know how much this pleases horny old men like me. A train crashed in Chicago at 47th and Wentworth; not a good place to have a crash, especially if you’re white. Barry Bonds is back to his old home-run-hittin’ ways. And, oh, yes, I won’t be here on Tuesday because I’ll be in Philly doing the job-interview thing, so Hevia’s going to sub for me. That just about covers everything, so on with the show…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Christian and Orlando Jordan over Our Lord and Savior and Chocolate Christ (Pinfall, Christian pins Benoit, Unprettier): Look, just because Raw began with a singles match turned into a tag match doesn’t mean that Smackdown has to as well. However, this match was a helluva lot better than the Raw tag match. I have to give kudos to Jordan here. He knew enough to get out of the damn way and let the guys who know how to wrestle do their stuff. He wasn’t an obstruction here. Right now, that’s about the best he can do. And kudos to the match bookers for once for the ending. Christian rarely hits the Unprettier, mostly because it’s such an unwieldly finisher due to its extended set-up. Having him hit Benoit with it and getting the three gives the move some mark cred. It also establishes a Benoit/Christian feud, which is something we’ve all been wanting to see. So, hey, the match set-up might have been bullshit, but the results were good.

Now here’s something I have to ask: Booker and Sharmell…let’s get down to brass tacks here: Sharmell’s hot. She’s been demonstratably hot since she was Paisley. I’m not into black women, but I’d do her. So why Booker? He’s not that young, he’s not that good-looking, he’s got some money but not really rich per se. It must come down to the same four words that justify the relationship between Page and Kimberly Falkenburg: “hung like a moose”. It’s the standard reason for any ugly wrestler/hot chick dynamic. The exception there is Nancy Benoit. We all know thanks to Flair that Sully isn’t very well hung. She probably has a foreskin fetish.

One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong.

Booker, attempted scissors kick…yeah, seen it

The Legion of Dumb over Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, Tag Title Match (DQ, Fun With Belts): Let’s say that you’re a member of an up-and-coming tag team, and Satan (or Vince) appears in front of you. He tells you that you have two choices. First choice, you can get some hype, yet turn out to be jobbers, like, say, the Heart Throbs. The second choice is that you can have a lot of hype and some success, but then you’d have to get into an extended program with the booker’s geriatric brother and a repackaged guy whose last character was a poetry-spouting psychotic. Said program would feature stupid match endings and/or a lot of jobbing, neither of which will do you any good in the long run. Which would you choose?

Mercury tries to figure out which stinks worse: Animal’s pit or this whole angle

Rey-Rey over High-Quality Speaker Boy (Pinfall, moonsault): After what these two guys have been through over the past number of months, this match (even if it leads to a program) seems like a filler. And if this does turn into a program, based on the results of this match, it’s going to be a complete loser. Talk about exposing the business…Rey-Rey was so slowed down by High-Quality Speaker Boy’s inabilities here that it was painful to watch (almost as painful as listening to his new theme). And the ending made that point absolutely clear. Memo to High-Quality Speaker Boy: if your opponent is doing a moonsault and is going to get the three count out of it, the one thing you don’t do is f*cking CATCH your opponent when he hits the moonsault.

The closest thing to pedophilia that you can get on network television

FudgePacker over A Completely Unidentified Jobber (Pinfall, FudgePacker Flip): Yes, I can hate Ken Kennedy for the single reason that he’s from Green Bay and I’m from Chicago. If your heads weren’t so full of East Coast Bias from the sports media, you’d understand.

Archbishop Kennedy blesses the masses

Okay, the flip’s cool, I have to admit that

DAVE over Nunzio, Italian-On-Italian Violence Match (Pinfall, DAVEBomb): Uh, guys, I know that Epilepsy is ending and you have to do something with the cruisers, but this isn’t really the way to integrate them back into Smackdown in a way that an audience will take seriously.

Gentlemen, please, there are enough bitches to go around on the Smackdown roster. You don’t have to fight for this one.

The Undertaker over Randy Orton, The Rematch That No One Wanted (Pinfall, Tombstone piledriver): Nearly twenty minutes of this bullshit? Two ref bumps? A moment that makes one think of Brian Lee with that dummy in the casket? And this sucker isn’t even close to being blown off? You know, this makes me happy that the UT DVD set is already out. Immortalizing this feud in the commercial marketplace would be an insult.

Watching UT try to use ring psychology is like watching a retard do differential calculus

“Hi, Bob.” DRINK!

Angle Developments:

Uh, Dave…married? Three kids? Sound familiar? And one of them’s mine, so don’t even think it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to wonder where they get Simon Milk from, now we have to wonder where they get chocolate Simon Milk from. If Maven were still around…

How Unexpected: You know, if we hadn’t known for months that the Batista/Guerrero feud was on, I’d be a little more pleased at the turn of events. It’ll be adequate. The in-ring stuff will be better than that with High-Quality Speaker Boy, no doubt. However, it’s going to be a little short on the promo end. Eddy is a great promo artist, no doubt, but he was forced to show his entire repertoire during the Rey-Rey feud. There is essentially going to be nothing new that he can bring to the table. That’s going to be made up, though, by the fact that he’s more likely to get the belt than High-Quality Speaker Boy. It’s going to be cheat, cheat, cheat all the way here, and a cheating Eddy is a great Eddy. So bring it on.

Eddy does a meet-and-greet

I’ll bet you the transmission didn’t fall out of that truck, unlike the last time I used U-Haul

“Ah lak wimmen with bigger tits than me!

I’ll close this up for now. I’ll be back with the boys for the Unforgiven Round Table this weekend and will bid my adieus until next weekend, when we may actually have a Double-Team Short Form again. Until such time, masturbate for peace.