John Cena (c) vs. Kurt Angle – WWE Title
PK: I would really, really like to think they would switch things up, but we all know that will not happen.
Winner – Cena
Widro: I’d love to see angle get the belt, but i don’t think WWE goes onto USA without Cena as champ.
Winner – Cena
Matthew Michael: I know, I know … all of USA Network’s advertising has Cena as champ. So what? Kurt’s on a hot streak, and should win here, then drop it back to John at Taboo Tuesday. And I can’t wait for this series of matches to see what Cena’s really made of.
Winner – Kurt Angle
Eric Szulczewski: Our wacky world of ours, as we all know, is divided into two basic categories: the haves, and the have-nots. The Republic makes the obligations of each absolutely clear: the have-nots should be there to service the haves, who will reign over them as enlightened rulers (as I strive to do every Tuesday to you, the Great Have-Nots Of The IWC). One party in this conflict obviously is a Have: he has wrestling talent, charisma, skill, intelligence. It is equally clear that the other party in this match is a Have-Not due to lack of said. It is therefore obvious that the Have should reign and the Have-Not in the match should service his needs in the ring. Come on, WWE, book it like Socrates and Plato would have wanted it.
Winner – Kurt Angle
Raven West: As much as I would like to see Kurt with the gold, I believe they’ll keep it on Cena until his HHH match.
Winner – Cena
Vinny Truncellito: Angle’s on quite a roll, and the Doctor of Thuganomics will only escape with his Bling-Belt when Angle snaps and goes loco en fuego, failing to release the ankle lock, a la’ Ken Shamrock for the DQ.
Winner — John Cena [Match Dominator — Kurt Angle]
Mark Neeley: Cena had a nice little run with the title, but it’s time for a heel to take over as champion as we head to the new USA era. I may be in the minority here, but I can really see Angle simply out-wrestling Cena and winning the title, setting up something kind of like the JBL-Dave feud went, with Cena feuding a bit afterwards in a PPV rematch maybe, but Angle holding on until it’s time to find a new number 1 contender. Only problem is that I don’t know if the WWE is ready to take the belt off of Cena and displease the fans going straight into the USA switch. So i’m going to have to go with choice number 2, predicting the creative team.
Winner – John Cena
Jed Shaffer: John Cena’s time is almost up … but not quite yet. Kurt’s gotta lose by some stupid manner, get really frustrated, then come at Cena like a man possessed. That happens at Taboo Tuesday. Here, we get Angle making Cena look as good as he can.
Winner – Tapioca Ice
Gordi: We all know, and probaly most of us will point out, that Angle is the man to pull a good match out of Cena.
Winner – Cena
Kevin G. Bufton: Well now, as much as I’d like to see Angle lift the strap here, I don’t see it happening on a ‘B-Show’ PPV like Unforgiven. No, give Cena the clean win here and have Angle take the title at Survivor Series, that’s my view.
Winner – John Cena
Mike Fitzgerald: How many times has Angle carried John Cena along in a good match? It seems whenever WWE need someone to make Cena look good they call Angle and he always delivers and then some! If Cena shows some fire I can see this being in the ***-**** range
Winner – Kurt Angle. Something just tells me he will win and build to a rematch at Survivor Series
Carlito (c) vs. Ric Flair – Intercontinental Title
PK: Carlito is way too cool to lose to the Nature Boy. CCC needs to win here, and DEFEND HIS TITLE on a more regular basis.
Winner – Carlito
Widro: As much as I enjoy Carlito, I think Flair gets the strap here.
Winner – Flair
Matthew Michael: So the question remains: which of WWE’s “new” talent do they want to push coming out of this event? Masters? Snitsky? Carlito? Why am I feeling another title switch here, with HHH on the way back in to challenge Flair?
Winner – Ric
Eric Szulczewski: Congrats to Mistah Colon. He has managed to completely waste both secondary belts in WWE within one year. In fact, he has wasted them to such an extent that a massive amount of damage control has to be done in order to restore them to a certain amount of credibility. How massive? The US strap is now around the waist of the greatest wrestler of our time. The IC strap will have to be placed around the greatest wrestler of all time. That’s how far the secondary straps have descended, and it’s in major part to Carly Colon, his f*cking hair, and his inexplicably popular promos.
Winner – Ric Flair
Raven West: They’ve been pimping the fact that Ric’s never held the IC belt before, and plus he’s so damn over that WWE probably wants to put some kind of belt on him.
Winner – Flair
Vinny Truncellito: I don’t really know what the plan is here. The IC belt is sort of below Flair these days, although it’s one open square on his resume’. I guess if Flair wins it here, he could add some prestige and fun to the division…
Winner — The Nature Boy
Mark Neeley: Flair is going to win this one and have a fun little title reign as I see it. Not saying it will even be near a long reign, I just see Flair getting the face title win but before long there will be a new champ, probably Carlito again.
Winner – Ric Flair
Jed Shaffer: Why, again, is this happening? What did Ric do to deserve working with Mr. Dazzling Array Of Chinlocks? My ultimate fear is they’ll put the belt on Flair so they can transition it to someone even less deserving then Carlito … like, say, Chris Masters. Dear God, please prove me wrong.
Winner – The Muthaf*ckin’ Man!
Gordi: Flair won’t win, but I hope he busts out the scrotal claw again.
Winner – Triple C
Kevin G. Bufton: Carlito vs. Flair? Dat’s cool! I’m not sure where I stand on this one. Carlito is brilliant on the mic and is, without doubt, one of the most entertaining things on Raw at the moment. However, it would be great to see Ric Flair raise the Intercontinental Title above his head. I’m so conflicted. Maybe they should throw Carlos Colon and David Flair into the mix just for giggles. Screw it…Flair has one more moment of glory.
Winner – Ric Flair
Mike Fitzgerald: How awesome could this feud have been if it had been given more time to simmer? I mean the crowd was going nuts when Flair grabbed Carlito by his Carribean Cock and gave it the old heave ho. I’m sure the match will be fun as Carlito is pretty good at getting heat and Ric Flair is RIC FUCKING FLAIR!!!
Winner – Woooooooooooooooo new IC Champ
The Hurricane & Rosey (c) vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch – World Tag Team Titles
PK: Cade & Murdoch are hot, they just need a tandem finisher.
Winner – C & M
Widro: I hate WWE’s tag divisions
Winner – Cade and Murdoch
Matthew Michael: Could it be … THREE FOR THREE? It can.
Winner – TNT
Eric Szulczewski: Yes, I’ve decided to change all the belt holders. Full house-cleaning in advance of the switch to USA. This belt is the most important to change. Cade and Murdoch may be as phenomenally, mind-numbingly boring as Frank Pickle, but they’re the only choice right now to get some life back into the tag titles. If they have to job here, it’s going to be a complete waste of their push. I fully expect this match to end in a DQ, though, due to something Murdoch does, so I’ll call that as a plausible ending.
Winners – Cade and Murdoch, unless they decide to end this by DQ
Vinny Truncellito: Creative seems to have given up on the super heroes recently, burying them in singles contests. So, I assume the straps are going to Cade and Murdoch. Who knows? Maybe they’ll try something different with the tag division after this.
Winner — Cowboy Newcomers
Mark Neeley: There is really no point in having the already dead tag gold switch hands to heels, but Hurricane & Rosey aren’t exactly star quality tag champs either, I just see all the hype and undefeated streak of Cade & Murdoch will steal them the victory.
Winners – Rednecks
Jed Shaffer: Wow, what a championship reign Hurricane & Rosey have had, eh? Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, boys.
Winners – West Texas Rednecks Version 2.0
Gordi: I like Murdoch, just because it’s nice to see someone with an old school heel brawler physique in WWE again. Still, he’s not quite Dirty Dick Murdoch at this point. Then again, who is?
Winners – Do the Cowboy Team have a catchy name yet? I prefer teams with names.
Kevin G. Bufton: It’s tag teams, therefore I don’t care. However, as WWE don’t care either, they’ll take the ‘instant heat’ approach and put the titles on Cade and Murdoch at the earliest opportunity.
Winner – Cade and Murdoch
Mike Fitzgerald: Ah how nice of WWE to give the fans a chance to get some merchandise and got to the toilet during the show
Winners – Garrison Cowboy and his Chaw Chewin Chum
Edge vs. Matt Hardy – Steel Cage Match
PK: This feud will only end win Matt wins, I think they still have some gas in this one, so Edge will pick up a brutal win.
Winner – Edge
Widro: Hardy finally gets the win.
Winner – Matt
Matthew Michael: Matt has to win here otherwise this angle is dead, which means less of a payoff for WWE. I stand by my prediction: Edge vs. Matt for the briefcase at a TLC is the way to end this feud, at the Royal Rumble. Matt needs the victory to even things up on PPV and keep the story going.
Winner – Matt Friggin’ Hardy
Eric Szulczewski: Excuse me, but I think I’ve misplaced something. Oh, yes, it’s my ability to give a shit about this match. My intense dislike for anything Hardy-related has assisted me in maintaining distance from this whole asinine feud. If Hardy isn’t spouting shit about this being a “five-part” thing, this should be the blow-off, and better we all are for it. Therefore, I’ll treat it as the blow-off and come to the obvious conclusion.
Winner – Matt Hardy
Raven West: Matt needs to win this one, end of story. Plus, this could actually be a showstealer.
Winner – Hardy
Vinny Truncellito: The Sensei of Mattitude has established that he “Will Not Die”, but now he needs a big win to keep the feud hot. If this truly is a 5-chapter story, they can’t all go Edge’s way.
Winner — Matt Hardy
Mark Neeley: Suspecting this is a CLEAN match, which means no Lita interference, no Snitsky interference, no Big Show interference, no Zach Gowen interference and also suspecting that this is the final straw of the feud, Hardy gets the win via top rope Twist of Fate. But all that isn’t going to happen, is it?
Winner – Edge
Jed Shaffer: Didn’t care when it started, still don’t. And the “imposing” steel cage makes this as compelling as a prostate exam by the Big Show.
Winner – Like I f*cking care. Um, the future jobber on AM Raw, Matt Hardy.
Gordi: It sure didn’t take long for people to get fed up of this feud.
Winner – Conquistador #1
Kevin G. Bufton: If Matt Hardy is telling the truth, then this is only Part 3 of a 5 Part series, which means he’ll be playing the part of Edge’s bitch yet again tonight. Matt, meet credibility…I believe you two used to know each other?
Winner – Edge (thanks to interference by Lita)
Mike Fitzgerald: Well this is probably the big blow off and to be fair I think they handled the feud quite well. All 3 have been great in their respective roles but the question is what now?
Winner – Matt Hardy because this is the blow off and the face should go over
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Masters
PK: HBK will put the young pup over. Masters is the next big thing, go ahead mock my words, but I’ve been saying it from day one.
Winner – Masters
Widro: I don’t like that they skipped mid-card for Masters, but this has been well done.
Winner – Masters
Matthew Michael: Wow I can’t believe I’m about to say this… but then again, that’s what you get for not wanting to job to Hogan two PPVs in a row.
Winner – Chris Masters
Eric Szulczewski: If there is a God like Michaels says there is, Michaels will turn Gym Bunny into paste before superkicking him to oblivion, or to OVW, whichever is closer. But Michaels is a pro and will sell for Masters. Pray for Shawn Michaels, people. Specifically, pray for the old Shawn Michaels to come back and demand that he doesn’t take this kind of treatment from Vince.
Winner – Chris Masters, because they’re keeping the heat machine on him, and a loss to Michaels kills him.
Raven West: I really don’t see how this match is going to be any good at all. If Shawn jobs, then Masters will get pushed to the moon. I wouldn’t count on it though.
Winner – Michaels
Vinny Truncellito: Unless they’re going to toss this whole thing out now, Masters need to win (through nefarious means, and with Carlito’s help) to necessitate a rematch.
Winner — Chris Masters
Mark Neeley: This one unfortunately isn’t going to be a lukewarm face match like the Flair match was, I see HBK escaping the Master Lock but still ends up losing via unoriginal heel tactics. Bleh.
Winner – Chris Masters
Jed Shaffer: I don’t have the words to describe how revolted I am by this pay-per-view. I pray to all the gods I can think of that the crowd shits on this match and Masters gets sent away … to an execution chamber.
Winner – Like HBK’s gonna job to this ‘roid-monkey. Bitch, please.
Gordi: I can’t bring myself to care about this one.
Winner – The Heart Break Middle Aged Man
Kevin G. Bufton: Well, after his loss to Hogan at SummerSlam I don’t see HBK taking too kindly to the though of jobbing to Luger 2K5, so I see a Michaels victory here. However, in order to keep the mystique going, Shawn will NOT power out of the Masterlock.
Winner – Shawn Michaels
Mike Fitzgerald: Shawn Michaels is the best worker in the world and he has a young guy who’s willing to put the effort in. This will be the match that takes everyone by surprise and if it goes well will make Masters and solidify Shawn as the guy who can carry ANYONE
Winner – Shawn but he’ll have to work for it
Big Show vs. Gene Snitsky
PK: This is a PPV match? Screw this.
Winner – Big Show
Widro: Snitsky doesn’t ever win, especially on PPV.
Winner – Big Show
Matthew Michael: Again, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… No. Screw it. He can’t win.
Winner – Big Show
Eric Szulczewski: Yep, here’s the Piss Break Match, folks. Why not just substitute a nature documentary in this time, one with a computer simulation of two apatosauruses mating? It would produce the same effect.
Winner – TBS, almost certainly by DQ because God knows that we can’t have Gene lose any of his heat.
Raven West: Show’s over and Snitsky’s going nowhere, so there you go.
Winner – Show
Vinny Truncellito: Time to get some nachos! This match has “bathroom break” written all over it. Two big, lumbering oafs with less mat skill between the two of them than Benoit has in his spare boots.
Winner — Ford Center popcorn vendors
Mark Neeley: SLEEPER alert. Uh.. Show wins via chokeslam.
Winner – Big Show
Jed Shaffer: Next.
Winner – Big Show’s bank account.
Gordi: This match, on the other hand, could be fun. It’s not enough to make me order the show, but I wonder if Snitsky will slam Show.
Winner – TBS
Kevin G. Bufton: Why are they feuding again? Oh yeah, Big Show protected Maria from the foot fetishisms of Snitsky. I say he shouldn’t have interfered in another man’s predilections, but hey. Prediction – short, sharp trip to jobberville for wXw’s greatest export.
Winner – Big Show
Mike Fitzgerald: Listen. Can you hear something? It sounds like…apathy
Winner – Mr. Foot Fetish
Trish & Ashley vs. Victoria & Torrie
PK: We all saw Trish’s return coming from miles away, but she will come back on a loss, as they will turn this into a Victoria/Trish feud.
Winners – Victoria & Torrie
Widro: Pass.
Winner – Victoria pins Trish
Matthew Michael: One of the more interesting match-ups of the night, really. Ladies & gentlemen, until Lita’s back in the ring, THIS is YOUR women’s division! Are they planning to put the belt on Torrie, and use this match to give her the improbably pin over Trish to set it up? Or is Torrie short for this world, and Victoria where the future lies? OR do they really want to just screw with us and give Ashley a pinfall win here? Decisions, decisions.
Winner – Vic-Torrie-uh
Eric Szulczewski: So why exactly couldn’t they hold off on Trish returning until the USA premiere? There’s no real need for this match except to get Massaro over. There’s no real demand for this match under any circumstance. As long as Trish and Victoria are in there, things will be fine. Otherwise…well, let’s just say that Jackie Gayda is smiling down in Orlando, because memories of her debacles will be pushed further down the collective memory hole.
Winners – Stratus and Massaro
Raven West: I really wish they would have had Victoria be the face just for the sake of a heel Trish. Oh well. I don’t really see why Victoria and Torrie would get the win.
Winners – Trish & Ashley
Vinny Truncellito: As with the Masters/Michaels match, I have to think the heels need to win this to continue the story, or else, this whole deal needs to end at Unforgiven.
Winner — Victoria and Torrie
Mark Neeley: Return of women’s champ Trish, diva search winner vs. veteran showgirl from SD? I didn’t really have anything to describe of Victoria since she can actually wrestle.
Winner – Trish & Ashley
Jed Shaffer: Next. Wait, already said that. Um … THIS IS YOUR DESIGNATED PISS BREAK MATCH. Wait, the whole PPV is a big, three-hour piss break. Um … I got nothing.
Winners – Horny teenagers everywhere. Loser – Trish Stratus, for having to put over these useless Playboy models-in-training.
Gordi: The only way this could be a good wrestling match would be if Ashley and Torrie just stayed on the apron, and I don’t think that’s the plan. Also, I don’t care.
Winner – Trish and whoever
Kevin G. Bufton: I don’t care. Really, I don’t. So Trish has been away for a few months and all of a sudden we’re expected to believe that she’s a face again? Torrie Wilson is a heel? No, wait a minute…Torrie Wilson is a WRESTLER? Who ever thought this was PPV quality should be shot.
Winner – Trish and the New Gal
Mike Fitzgerald: Poor Trish and Victoria. Still it good be worse their partners could be Sable and Ryan Shamrock. And why does Trish care about helping the Diva Search winner when she hated Christy for winning it last year?
Winner – Victoria and Torrie when Trish turns
Shelton Benjamin vs. Kerwin White
PK: Kerwin, while amusing, has to go. Chavo could’ve really done something on RAW, but this crap is just too much. A clean win for either will damage the other.
Winner – Double DQ
Widro: I don’t understand what happened with Shelton’s push.
Winner – Shelton
Matthew Michael: This one gets a non-finish, as I sense these two will be feuding for a while.
Winner – ND/Double Count-out
Eric Szulczewski: You think that the Kobayashi Maru was a no-win situation? Try this match. No matter what happens, someone loses, and loses big. If Benjy loses, whatever heat he has disappears like the mist just after sunrise. If Chavito loses, this whole disgusting recharacterization goes down the f*cking toilet. I figured out a way to save the Kerwin White angle, but I only e-mailed Hevia about it. I’m not going to put it in print here, because then it certainly won’t happen. Let’s just say that it involves another wrestler who would definitely benefit by becoming white. They have to save both guys right now from losing any heat they may have left. That dictates a DQ and use of the golf clubs to do it.
Winner – Shelton Benjamin by DQ
Raven West: I probably hate White’s gimmick more than any other right now, but he is fairly new, so a win may be in order, especially since they’ve just been jobbing Benjamin as of late. Though WWE may still have Shelton. Match could actually be pretty good.
Winner – White
Vinny Truncellito: Shelton needs to step up here and shut Chavo’s racist, hypocritical, sell-out mouth! After the debacle of a feud with Carlito, Shelton is due to kick some serious ass.
Winner — Mr. Benjamin
Mark Neeley: Chavo wins via heel tactics.
Winner – Kerwin White
Jed Shaffer: Poor Chavito. Poor Shelton. Poor us.
Winner – There are no winners here.
Gordi: Shelton is fun to watch and some day he might put it all together in terms of selling, psych, and structure. Then, he’ll be great. Chavo is at his best working with his uncle, who obviously put it all together years ago. This might work as a comedy match, or it might not.
Winner – Benjamin
Kevin G. Bufton: Shelton needs a win here, because he’s been made to look like an utter chump more or less since he lost his I-C title. On the other hand, Kerwin could also do with a victory, to ‘solidify’ his character. So it all boils down to the writers I suppose and who they consider to be more marketable…African American super-athlete or El Bing Crosby. Ah – that settles it.
Winner – Kerwin White
Mike Fitzgerald: Ah “Spunky Black Dude” Vs “White Snob”. SMELL THE SUBTLY
Winner – Shelton if he can stick it to the man
