Yup, last week Bambi, this week Eric. He’s on some business, so I’m filling in for him. Let’s do some news and then I’ll do a Short Form kind of thing…I think, if Raw doesn’t suck I will…On with the show…
News
– Word going around is that WWE is planning or trying to bring in Jose Canseco for Wrestlemania 22. So you’re telling me you’re going to bring in a washed up baseball player, admitted steroid user (albeit an honest one) and a guy who was on a reality show that in the previous season had featured another “celebrity” named Joanie Laurer? Wow, did I miss it or did Wrestlemania become a shithole for fake celebrities. With WWE’S current booking logic, I’d expect Canseco to win the IC Title at the very least on the show.
– Brock Lesnar apparently can now wrestle for New Japan. WWE moved to seal the records from the case, meaning they probably lost. Also in the aforementioned news post, Julie Harner, a women’s wrestler from the UK, reported into a police station to let people know she was safe. She had been missing for a week. Speaking of missing…
Sean Waltman apparently reported to a family member’s house after being missing for a week. He apparently went to the TNA PPV, but never made it there. I have two guesses as to where he was:
1. Joanie’s house doing blow.
2. In his car doing blow.
– So it’s probably going to be Candace that poses in Playboy next. Not “shocking” at all. She’s done it before. But to all those people that are saying it should be Stephanie, that wouldn’t be “shocking” either. You know who would shock the hell out of everyone? Linda…yup, Linda McMahon should do it. Those conference calls would get DAMN interesting.
– Jeff Jarrett won the NWA Title from Raven in Canada. This shocked most people, except for those with some foresight that knew that there was NO way Jarrett would let ANYONE other than him represent the company going onto Spike. Sorry folks, but this is actually smart. Other than Jeff Hardy, there was nobody else with name recognition that could start a show on a new station without casual fans going “Who?” People know Jarrett and know he was successful, no matter how much people hate him. He brings a reputation to the company for new fans. We hate him, casual fans know who he is, it’s that simple.
Continuing the fantasy book…
In last week’s column, we set up Hogan/Austin, Foley/Angle, Flair lost his IC Title to Conway and HHH started recruiting new Evolution members…now we continue…
Raw opens with Rob Conway in the ring with his new IC Title. Surprisingly, he’s wearing a suit and now has no YMCA mustache. “Last week, you saw The Con Man die. Last week, you saw the emergence of Rob Conway, SUPERSTAR. Now since I won this belt, I think I deserve to be in Evolution.” Triple H’s music hits and The Game makes his way to the ring. “You needed some help last week. The only reason you’re wearing that belt is because I messed up. But ya know something kid, in Evolution, it’s about winning at all costs. You did that. And this week you even dress the part. Welcome to Evo…” Ric Flair’s music hits and Flair makes his way down the aisle and he is PISSED. “HIM!? EVOLUTION!? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? NO CALL! NOTHING!” Triple H cuts Flair off and tries to assure him that it’s ok. “Naitch, I scouted the kid myself, he’s worth it. Just trust me on this one.” Flair’s eyes are still bulging out of his head, but he relents and shakes Conway’s hand. Evolution now has three members.
Mick Foley is in the back chatting it up with a roadie. Foley lets the roadie know that regardless of what happened with Angle last week, he still knows it’s important for him to be on the show. Just then, Angle walks by. “How’s the ankle FOLOSER!” Angle says and walks off. “Foloser? Great, a walking cartoon for champion. See what I mean?” The roadie looks dumbfounded as Mick gazes off.
Hulk Hogan makes his way to the ring, fully knowing that Steve Austin wouldn’t be here tonight. “Once he hit me with that Stunner dudes, he ran his ass off to go make some movies. But Austin, I’m putting you on notice right now brother. When and if you come back, I’ll be waiting along with all the Hulkamaniacs to kick your ass!” Hogan makes his way to the back. Right as he gets to the curtain he is DROPPED by some Sweet Chin Music. HBK takes a microphone and lets it all hang out. “NOT TWICE, NOT HBK! YOU WANT A PAYCHECK, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO EARN IT THIS TIME.”
End of show…bitches…
She’s part of the new Pink Ladies. Maybe Conway can be Danny Zucco.
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com
The Raw Meat
The Matches:
Trish Stratus def. Torrie Wilson: I bet they’d like to have some real women wrestlers in the division right now. Why this wasn’t straight up Trish vs. Victoria I don’t know. Why does a no talent like Torrie have to be wasting my time? Why the hell is Candace’s signature move a twirly dance? Sheesh. At least it was short.
Trevor Murdoch over The Hurricane: I took off my shirt, looked into the mirror and wondered why I wasn’t one half of the tag team champs. This match was serviceable but as we’ve said time and time again, the tag division sucks. Making them wrestle singles matches doesn’t help much.
Tyson Tomko vs. Eddie Craven: Fuck Tomko and f*ck jobbers. There is no excuse for this to be on TV.
Ric Flair def. Carlito: A good match for an old guy and a kid who can’t wrestle. I don’t mean to knock on Carlito like that because he is entertaining, but he has no
HBK, Cena, Hardy and Show def. Angle, Snitsky, Edge and Masters: Now this, this is what I would like to see on Raw every week. Good action, nice mix and matches, a little comedy and a great ending. HBK was hilarious by riding the pile like a horse and the match just worked on so many levels.
The Angles:
– I honestly don’t think Cena going up against Bischoff will make people want to tune into the return of Raw on USA. Additionally, McMahon’s “big announcement” has been common knowledge for over a week now.
– Setting up a loser leaves Raw match between Edge and Hardy with MITB on the line, ladder style? I’m there, as it will not only be interesting to see a singles ladder match between the two, but who goes over? If Edge goes over you know that there is some real hate between all three parties. If Matt goes over you know that those rumors about Matt and Lita being all cozy again may just be the truth. This is because there wouldn’t be a way to get Lita over to Smackdown without her quitting Raw. If they went that route, you KNOW some bitches hate some other bitches
– Other than that, the only angle advancement was advancing the return to USA with video packages of the returning champions. Which is good, because they shouldn’t do too much as they are in a holding period and they shouldn’t blow anything on Spike TV, especially with Spike running TNA ads on their show.
Overall a big improvement over the past two weeks. That’s not saying much because the last two weeks were atrocious, but it is a step up nonetheless.
As for me, it’s nappy time. Just because I’m in Eric’s spot, I went out and got some K-Doggs. I’m gonna take like 10 of these bad boys and have a nice coma. Adios!
