Stuff I Think and Shouldn't Say: What # Are We Up To?

Every week, I promise myself that I will get the column done on time. Every week, I procrastinate to the point of having to do the column first thing Thursday morning, when I usually:

A) Feel like shit.
B) Write like shit as well.

So, all things considered, at least I am consistent in my inability to get things started ahead of time.

I Think I’m Going Crazy

Well, it turns out that the shoulder pain that I have been feeling is a little worse than I thought. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I have sprained my shoulder at work (my right shoulder, no less) but it appears that I might have done a tad more damage than that.

Let’s explain what happened, okay?

So, I was at work a week ago this past Wednesday. I was supposed to start serving at 5, but since we had received an enormous shipment, the only way I was going to get the tables back was to help put some boxes away. Even the Boss asked me to help, so I did.

That’s what it means to “tow the line,” I guess. Granted, moving boxes of shipment is not in my job description, but I had to, or I was going to only make $3.85 for the hour, and, frankly, $3.85 won’t pay my rent.
I picked up the first box, and began to walk with it on my shoulder when a God-awful popping was heard by anyone within earshot…including the Boss. I ignored it, but mentioned that my arm was very tight all of a sudden.

Well, I kept working for a few days, and Monday morning, I couldn’t move my arm at all. I am sure that I could have “pushed through the pain,” but Tracy told me that if I was in that much pain, I really should think about going to the doctor.

Monday, I went to the emergency room. Tray took the day off, and we headed to the nearest hospital that wasn’t in NYC.

I went to North Shore University Hospital…the Jewish one! (By the way, this hospital was the best I have ever been to, and I have been to many hospitals.)

So, I was x-rayed and my arm was manipulated into positions that, in my present state, wouldn’t be allowed in Guantanamo Bay. As I keep putting it to my friends, I was so sore and my eyes were full of tears, I felt as though I had been raped. I wasn’t allowed to tell them to stop, I was merely instructed to tell them when I felt pain.

One good thing that came out of all this: I know my bicep tendon is strong. Sure, having a hairy, emergency room orthopedic specialist tell you that you have very strong arms is a nice sentiment, but I was just a bit upset by it all.

I am really glad that my arms are strong and all, but why the hell do I have to be in this much pain to find that out. Can’t some random hot chick walk up to me on the street and grab my arms?

Anyway, I had to head into work at 11 a.m. the next morning to let my boss know that I would be out a while. He was sad that this was happening to me, but honestly…I dislocated my shoulder on a box of binders!
I also popped it out a whole bunch of times while carrying food and such, but no one at the tables knew.

When it all comes down to it, I am sure there isn’t a customer in the world that is interested in having a server whose shoulder pops out violently whilst serving them a salad. If there is, that might explain how I was still making great money through 5 days of this occurring.

Yeah, I hurt myself carrying something that Baby Bootleg will one day need to keep his Math homework in order.

Shitf*ck! Bob Saget!

The only time that I actually remember it slipping out of socket again was on Sunday night at my Comedy Troupe’s meeting.

(did I forget to mention that I was putting one together?)

Anyway, I was performing in a skit about Midget Cars, and when I slammed my hands down on the floor whilst talking about how awesome midgets are, I felt it snap.

End of skit.

I sat and watched the rest of the evening in agony, and that was that. I went home, slept the little that I could, and the rest, as they say, was history. Except that, in this case, the bullshit is still going on, and it doesn’t feel any better.

Karma is a bitch.

I make fun of midgets, and some Midget God of Shoulder Dislocations f*cks up my whole world.

Salty’s INTERVIEW of Da Week!

Not only did I get my buddy, Jon Sevastra, a gig here at IP (to his credit, his writing earned it more than me having any so-called pull, but I digress) now he is “out in the field,” conducting interviews with up-and-coming artists.

Here is an excerpt from last week’s CMJ Exclusive Interview with Christian Celaya from Benzos:

Jon Sevastra – Have you found that with the type of music you play, with how densely layered it is and how accomplished you guys are, does it become difficult in the writing process?

Christian Celaya – If you were to ask anybody whose a musician they’d say that you can always fall into a little hole of writer’s block so to speak. The good thing about this band is that with five people who write, if someone has writer’s block, there are always three other people who are writing. So there’s never a moment of stagnation where there’s nothing coming out of us. At the moment, all five of us have been just spurting with ideas. It’s always a nice thing to have that.

JS – You and a couple of the other guys have roots in the club and the rave scene. What made you guys decide to give up the turntables and pick up the guitars?

CC – Well, every one of were playing either the guitar, bass, or drums before hand. I think a lot of us in college just got into the late 90’s tail end of when the whole rave scene was happening. So some friend tells you to come out to this party and you pop a pill and you enjoys yourself and you become hooked on the whole thing. We all still DJ’d but I think there was a moment after giving up playing in bands for a while and getting stuck into that whole dance culture. We sorta felt well, why don’t we take some of the things we enjoy about DJing and getting people to dance and create one long piece of music and pick up the guitars again and sort of incorporate that. We’re not a rave or dance band like the Rapture or LCD Soundsystem but there are certain elements of DJing and the rave culture that we try to incorporate into rock. It seemed like a nature progression to pick up the guitars again and start playing in a band.

If you want to see the rest, head here.

Onward we go…

SITASS NEWS: He Was Always Ahead of His Time!

Wilco’s Tweedy To Tour Solo

Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy will spend the bulk of November on a solo tour, which will kick off Nov. 5 in Madison, Wis., and run through Nov. 22 in London. The tour follows a short run of fall Wilco dates, which will finish up Oct. 22 at Brazil’s Tim Festival, as well as the Nov. 1 release of the Wilco live album Kicking Television.

A highlight of Tweedy’s itinerary is a Nov. 16-17 stand in New York as part of the first Wall Street Rising concert series. Tickets are free and will be distributed on a first-come, first-served basis beginning Oct. 17 at the Downtown Information Center on Broad Street and Exchange Place.

The lineup for the weeklong series also features Cat Power, Buddy Guy, Ryan Adams, Aimee Mann and the Blind Boys of Alabama performing at the 900-seat Tribeca Performing Arts Center.

Here are Jeff Tweedy’s tour dates:

Nov. 5: Madison, Wis. (Orpheum Theatre)
Nov. 6: Minneapolis (First Avenue)
Nov. 8: Ann Arbor, Mich. (Michigan Theater)
Nov. 9: Columbus, Ohio (Southern Theatre)
Nov. 10: Grand Rapids, Mich. (Calvin College Fine Arts Center)
Nov. 12: Grantham, Pa. (Brubaker Auditorium)
Nov. 13: Northampton, Mass. (Calvin Theatre)
Nov. 14: Albany, N.Y. (Empire State Plaza Performing Arts Center)
Nov. 16-17: New York (Tribeca Performing Arts Center)
Nov. 18: Kingston, N.Y. (Ulster Performing Arts Center)
Nov. 22: London (Shepherd’s Bush Empire)


Bridge School Benefit Taps Good Charlotte, Bright Eyes

For the 19th year in a row, Neil Young has hosted the Bridge School Benefit, a musical fundraiser for the Bay Area’s Bridge School which caters to students with “severe speech and physical impairments,” according to the institution’s website.

This year’s two-day performance at Mountain View, California’s Shoreline Amphitheater includes Good Charlotte, Dave Matthews, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, and Bright Eyes, among several others. In past years, stars like Paul McCartney, Tegan and Sara, Pearl Jam, and Wilco have been featured. The concert will take place on Saturday, October 29 and Sunday, October 30.

Tickets go on sale this Sunday, Sept. 25, via Ticketmaster.


Creed Man Goes Solo

Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp will release his first solo album, The Great Divide, on November 22nd. Stapp’s debut comes more than a year after the members of the multi-platinum-selling, Florida-based Christian band — Stapp, guitarist Mark Tremonti, bassist Brett Hestla and drummer Scott Phillips — parted ways. In spite of the Grammy-winning outfit’s success, for some time Stapp had been struggling with depression, divorce and a loss of faith.

Stapp cites his car accident in April 2002 as the beginning of a downward spiral. Creed’s third album, Weathered, which eventually sold more than six million copies, had been at Number One for weeks, and their tour had sold out in minutes — but the accident seemed to put an end to that good fortune. With Stapp suffering from back and neck pain, the tour was called off. “It all came crashing to an end,” he said. “I get hit, and instead of my circle of people actually giving a damn about my health, they turned on me like it was my fault. I was doing everything I could, in spite of my physical limitations, to make everyone happy — and that meant more [of the anti-inflammatory drug] Prednisone.”

(Editor’s Note: Scott Stapp, as you all know, is a f*cking tool. If you didn’t, read this and you will soon see why.)

Extraordinary Comeback

Fiona Apple is the multiplatinum pop star least likely to appear on an episode of MTV’s Cribs. She doesn’t have a cell phone. She neither owns nor drives a car. She possesses only two bras, and the one that she’s not wearing on this particular August afternoon is lost, she’s pretty sure, for good. What’s more, for two of the six years since her last album came out, Apple lived in a house whose only furnishings were a few green dog pillows, a twin bed that doubled as a couch, a small TV/VCR that wasn’t actually connected to an antenna, and a boombox.

After splitting with director Paul Thomas Anderson in 2001, Apple moved to the artsy Los Angeles beach town of Venice, into a one-story house with a wall of oleander surrounding the perimeter — “for privacy” — and a huge yard where her Staffordshire Terrier, Janet, could run around. Her older sister, Amber, lived there for a while, and Apple says the two of them would eat their dinner sitting on the dog pillows. “We had these old step-aerobics kind of boxes that were full of dust, and we used them for tables,” she says. “I remember thinking, ‘This house is never going to be full and lived in.’ Now it’s almost cluttered.” She eventually bought a couple of couches, but her clothes — the few she has — are piled on top of tables because she still hasn’t bought a bureau. “Maybe once a year I’ll go into a store and grab a bunch of stuff, and I won’t try anything on,” she continues. “I think I don’t like to go shopping for clothes because I have no clothes to wear to go shopping.”

(God, this is a long piece. Wanna read the rest, go here.)

The gist is that Fiona’s new album comes out next month. I would like to say that I care, but I don’t think I do anymore.

Nope, I have better things to do.

I am sure there is an episode of Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, and I am gonna watch it!

(here’s some stuff to look at while I watch T.V.)

Ahh, that Aaron McGruder. My Opinion: Aaron McGruder is the BEST social commentator this century.

Ha, animals rule! Aren’t cats funny? They’re like people, only they say what they really mean…


brought to you by Strattera

Nelly has inked a deal with a production company for a reality series that will chronicle his everyday life. The rapper — who starred opposite Adam Sandler and Chris Rock in this year’s The Longest Yard — is also continuing his acting career, as he’s scored a role in the film Crenshaw Blvd., currently in pre-production. SITASS fans, imagine a world without Nelly. Just try it. Isn’t it happier? Please, let’s make this dream a reality.

Omaha-based indie label Saddle Creek will release Lagniappe, a compilation CD featuring new songs and B sides from the Faint, Bright Eyes, Cursive and other label artists in mid-October. All proceeds from the CD will go to the Red Cross’ Hurricane Katrina relief efforts.

Ashlee Simpson (?), Diamond Nights and Doug Gillard of Guided by Voices join Los Lonely Boys, the Posies, Aqualung, Black Mountain and Robbers on High Street at Boston’s NEMO festival, September 29th to October 2nd. The festival, with its mission to help boost the profile of indie artists, will also host daytime conferences, at which Ashlee Simpson will hand out finger foods like: Pigs in a Blanket, Quiche, and other fun stuff. Guess that what they meant by “indie,” right?

Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda will release his hip-hop side project Fort Minor’s debut album, The Rising Tied, on November 22nd. The album, which was produced by Jay-Z, features collaborations with Common, John Legend, Black Thought of the Roots and fellow Linkin Park member Joe Hahn. Just another instance of white people stealing cool black things, this time, it’s not just hip-hop, its hip-hop artists. Fuckin’ white people.

Death Cab for Cutie, Common, U2, the Bravery, Matisyahu, M.I.A., Gorillaz, Arcade Fire, My Chemical Romance and Paul Wall are among the artists nominated for the MTVu 2005 Woodie Awards, where college students vote for their favorites. The awards show will take place at New York’s Roseland Ballroom on November 2nd and will premiere on MTVu and November 10th. Two things can be learned from this:

1) MTV still knows who their audience is (college kids)
2) But MTV has no idea how to market to anyone other than my Mom and Sister.

Now, how can I say this? I haven’t seen the videos of any of those artists on MTV in the last month. I know they have videos out, but MTV just doesn’t show them anymore.

(credit: Rolling

This Week’s MUST READ Piece!

Well, seeing that I have made Macabre Seuss a bi-monthly feature, I have to plug something else this week.

It’s a simple choice really, as my column filled in for his last week, but SITASS’ Must Read Piece of the Week is:

Aaron Cameron’s Friday Music News Bootleg.

Cam is a “multiple-time” columnist of the year here at IP, but he’ll always be the dude who first gave me props. He’s a good writer, a nice guy, and an awesome father who allows us to look into his world every week.

Read his shit, smile and don’t look back.

He’s like a bag of Doritos, I think. Sure, you could pace yourself out, take your time and enjoy it, but its WAY more fun to take it all in as quickly as possible.

Alright, guys. I am off to return some hats that Tray bought for me.

In a rare feat that will never be duplicated, they were too big…for my huge dome.

Until next week, keep it real!


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