The Smackdown Short Form, 09.23.05

For some, the German Automobile Club has become more important than the Catholic church. – historian Arnulf Baring on the breakdown of traditional party loyalties in Germany

One has to wonder…is the Pope a member of the German Automobile Club? Is the Holy Trinity really Mercedes, BMW, and Opel? I’d make a Trabant As Anti-Christ joke, except that it’d be fifteen years too late and you wouldn’t understand it anyway.

Ah, hell, why dwell on it? There’s enough to think about right now other than theological questions that inevitably involve auto mechanics. After all, Rita’s made landfall and the disaster relief’s on again, over a wider area this time, with everyone wondering exactly how long it’ll take New Orleans to dry out. Nobody wants to run Germany (here’s a hint: I’m available, and, let’s admit it, Germans, you’ve had worse). My hesitations about applying for anything at FDA have borne out with the resignation of Lester Crawford (not to mention the fact that I’d have something to do with the truly asinine and overblown Bioterrorism Act of 2002 if I were employed there). More reports about prisoner abuse in Iraq are coming out, courtesy of the 82nd Airborne; in my experience, they’re the biggest bunch of gung-ho morons in the Army, and if they’re ratting, something’s very, very wrong. Speaking of that, I think that every woman out there should be offended by Lynndie England’s defense for stating that she was a blank slate as long as she was getting TEH DIK!!11!!! And, of course, my attention is being diverted from this report by the Presidents Cup, which has been as tight and exciting as I would have wanted. So forgive the distraction.

As for me, I blew off most of Unforgiven and Raw, utilizing my interview trip as a mini-refresh away from wrestling. I’m going to be gearing up for two rather torturous weeks on Monday. Last episode on Spike, first back on USA and all that. One show on the weekends becomes history next week with Impact going to Spike on Saturday nights (which delays this column until Sunday, thus putting me into churn-out mode on Sunday, Monday, and/or Tuesday depending). So I’m going to have my workload refocused and increased. The break, therefore, was helpful.

But, now, it’s back to work and seeing what happened on Smackdown. So let’s begin…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Booker T over Christian (Pinfall, rollup): Okay, let’s ignore the shenanigans with Paisley for a moment and concentrate on the other stuff. I’m not sure how I feel about this match. I mean, it was decent. It certainly wasn’t offensive or anything. But…but I just know they can do better than this. They weren’t at the top of their games. It’s obvious that they’re gearing up for the long haul with this feud and are reserving themselves for a big blowout at some point (probably SurSer). But, it’s still Booker/Christian, so I can’t really complain per se.

Booker and Christian spare a moment in the ring to express their true feelings for each other

“Kiss me, you fool!”

The Legion of Dumb over Jared Steele and Anthony Coletti (Pinfall, Heidenreich pins Steele, Doomsday Device): If the Pope isn’t a member of the German Automobile Club, I think he should consider any and all jobbers who have sacrificed themselves for this push to be candidates for sainthood as Martyrs of Charity.

I think FEMA should make recovery from this a higher priority than Katrina/Rita relief

Bob Holly over He’s Still Sylvain To Me Grenier (COR): I am not one who sees the attraction in 2005 of a Rick Martel-style Pretty Boy character. Yes, I know, it’s a tradition going back to Gorgeous George, and numerous wrestlers have made good careers out of it. But that’s the problem. It’s a cliche. Pushing all three members of La Res into this gimmick at the same time (albeit on different shows) is overkill. And the problem comes into focus when it comes to Grenier. Dupree can wrestle. Conway is a fantastic wrestler. Grenier got his job by blowing Pat Patterson and still can’t wrestle despite all the training. It’s all image and no substance in this case.

That being said, will fans, more specifically the IWC, ever forgive Bob Holly and show him a little LUV? He wasn’t at fault for Thurman “Sparky” Plugg. It wasn’t his fault that he was teamed with Bart Gunn. He proved he can be entertaining when he was teamed up with the late Crash. He’s a very solid wrestler. Yes, he’s been kissing Vince’s ass for a decade and has been a terror in the locker room. But we’ve given other guys a free pass on that, haven’t we? How about starting to spread some feelings around concerning Holly’s future? I’d love to see him get a US title run after Benoit restores the belt to some semblance of credibility.

You know, I really don’t mind My Beautiful and Beloved accompanying Holly to the ring. Mostly because he’d beat the piss out of me if I objected.

So Grenier can do a suplex. Yay.

FudgePacker over the San Diego Chicken (Pinfall, FudgePacker Flip): Oh, Christ, they’ve sacrificed Rey-Rey to give FudgePacker some mark cred. You know, I’m really, really happy that High-Quality Speaker Boy did the trot-in, because that action turned this into an Angle Advancement Match, thus enabling me to ignore it completely. I’ll comment a little more on the High-Quality Speaker Boy/Rey-Rey feud when it heats up a little bit more, but let me just say now that the matches are going to be some of the most abysmal of Rey-Rey’s career.

Oh, shut the f*ck up

Lesson: never let Rey-Rey get on your shoulders

Bobby Lashley over Simon Dean (Pinfall, face-first crucifix flip): Okay, message given. The question now becomes: can he cut a promo? If he can, they’ve got a winner here, if they give this guy a little care and protection. You know, like the kind they didn’t give Shelton Benjamin. Until he can prove that he can cut a promo, I’ll still wonder why they cut Charlie Haas.

Look, if you want Monty Brown, just hire him

Our Lord and Savior over Orlando Fucking Jordan Again, US Championship Comedy Match (Submission, Crossface): Now that this is almost certainly over, it looks like Booker’s next in a friendly. Then maybe it’ll be Bobby Lashley. After that, then there’s trouble, because except for Teddy Long, they’ll have run out of black guys for him to beat up on.

You’d think that by now, Jordan would learn not to provoke Benoit

Dave Batista and Eddy Guerrero over Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro (Pinfall, Guerrero pins Mercury, frog splash): You know that feeling that Eddy got when the doctor did his digital exam backstage? The audience got to experience the same feeling from this match. That, folks, is what is known as an Angle Advancement Main Event Match.

Oh, you know this won’t turn out well

“Please, Dave, if you sell anything in this match, please sell this.”

Angle Developments:

Sympathy Pains: For some reason, I’ve been having stomach cramps most of this week (started right after I got back from Philly, actually). So, yes, Eddy, I understand. I understand perfectly. And it took a helluva lot more time for mine to clear up than his. And my cure didn’t involve getting a hand job.

As a Mexican, can Eddy legitimately get Montezuma’s Revenge?

You rarely see a horse’s ass on its back…yeah, I know, too easy

Actually, Grenier’s right. That dress isn’t flattering to My Beautiful and Beloved at all. And kudos to Grenier for pulling out the “NASCAR lover” line on Holly.

A Question Of Making Money: Does the standard WWE Legends contract contain a clause about Legends being available to be hired out for funeral orations? If so, can I book Dusty Rhodes for my funeral? I want to give people something to remember me by, and an incomprehensible oration would be just the thing.

Bob Orton, funeral director

And we shall henceforth close this thing out for another weekend. Have a thrilling time and keep watching the Presidents Cup.