We are one week away from the biggest Raw in awhile…
What does this week portend?
What does portend mean?
Find out tonight on…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight are….
The return of a Legend……… DANI!
The return of an Urban Legend.. JENNA!
The return of a False Messiah.. HERNANDEZ!
The return of the Mack-Daddy… ERIC!
And return of the Daddy-Mack… ME!
Also joining us for this special event, via computer –
PAW’s Own Padawan and
Comic Nexus’ own Bill Ellis!
Tonight promises to be a show full of revelations about what is going on next week at Raw: Homecoming. With a released match list that looks more like a PPV than a Raw – I can only expect tonight to be full of set-ups…
Tonight’s main event – tag team tables match.
CENA & MICHAELS vs. CARLITO & MASTERS
First though.. HERE COMES THE MAC! YOU GOT… NO CHANCE IN HELL!
Vince announces that this is the last show on Spike. He announces that it’s been a nice tag team with Spike for awhile…
“Want him to say ‘For me to poop on…” – Padawan
but they will debuting next week on the USA Network.
USA COUNT: 1
THEY MUTE THE SOUND!!!!! THEY MUTED OUT VINCE!
He continues to promote the show when we get some Kurt Angle action.
Kurt is upset that he beat John Cena, so he wants first dibs on the WWE Title after next week.
“I don’t think you have enough superstar points!” – Hernandez
Someone else has something to say though – and that is Shawn Michaels. Shawn feels that he too won a match at Unforgiven, so he should get a title match.
“You know what.. I want a title match!” – Dani
“They both shop at ‘Men’s shirt with no sides'” – Bill
“Doesn’t everyone?” – Eric
Kurt says that he made Michaels tap out at Wrestlemania.
Michaels says that he knocked out Angle at Vengence.
“Tonight in the role of school principal, Vince McMahon” – Padawan
So next week.. as promised, a 30 minute Iron Man match. But first…. GIRLS!
Here come Trish & Ashley… Next.
Flashback to the beatdown last week… now the pay off…
Trish vs. Victoria
HOLY GOD CANDICE!
This week the girls are in red ensembles.. and I want screen shots.. somebody out there.. get me screen shots.
So it starts up with Trish beaing on Trish… Victoria fights her back and gets Trish to the corner. The leg scissors send Victoria to the outside. Trish follows up, but gets sent to the out into the audience. Trish follows up with a clothesline off the railing…
“So when did Trish become a cruiserweight? She heading to Smackdown?” – Padawan
It’s now that the outside beatdown begins, some Ashley chiming in, followed by Victoria sending Trish back in and getting the London Bridge, and a mean side walk slam for 2.
Trish sends Victoria to the corner, Trish follows up, legs up for the Frankensteiner.
Sends Victoria to the ropes for the spinebuster… 2 count only. Rake of the eyes to Trish, Victoria tries to go for the clothesline.. ducks down. (I won’t call it the Matrix) Trish goes and GETS the Stratusfaction, but before she gets the pin – the beatdown continues as Candace runs on in.
Disqualification, and then the girls strip Candice. There is in fact, a God. The badgirls pull Candice out of the ring.
“That’s right.. grope her” – Jenna
“We’ll watch..” – Eric
Candice then shows her acting chops…. by mispronouncing everything she possibly can – and because the girls were embarrassed this week, they want a 2 on 3 Bra & Panties match next week. Ummm…. maybe Candice shouldn’t have been the one to sell that. Ah well.
“I WANT YOU TO BARK LIKE A DOG!!!!!” – Hernandez
“Trish WAS a member of the Vince Kiss My Ass Club” – Me
In the back Big Show..
“Hey, it’s Harvey Wippleman” – Hernandez
HEYYYYYY IT’S HIS THEEEME SONNNGGGG! Tonight’s match is a Street Fight!
BIG SHOW vs. SNITSKY
It’s not his fault.. with a chair..
(Note: They keep going to TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES screen… I’m sure it relates to the USA Network thing.. but it’s causing me twitches.)
Big Show starts the match with a chair – and Snitsky falls to the corner.. and he takes it with a smile. A short arm set-up for Snitsky gets reversed to a kick in the gut, which gives Snitsky a chance to bail outside and get some weapons. A street sign to Big Show’s head brings him down.. but the garbage can, in fact makes him angry.
“You wouldn’t like Big Show when he’s angry…” – Me
“You’ll be careful?” – Eric
“YOU’LL BE DEAD!” – Me
Show sets up a trash can in the corner. Snitsky smackolas the Show, which gives Snits some more time to bail and roll back in. Big Show gets a belly to back onto said trashcan – and Big Show found something outside….. It’s a kitchen sink!
“Ahh, trashcans and wrestling.. shades of Lita’s abortion” – Bill
The kitchen sink gets the best sound of the night.. and that gets the pin.
WINNER: THE BIG SHOW!
In the back – Flair is getting kisses by Boobage… awww.
“That was her best appearance ever, she didn’t talk.” – Eric
“And she looked really cute.” – Me
“Cute for a bimbo..” – Jenna
“That’s her CHARACTER. She could be a math major!” – Me
“I wouldn’t doubt that” – Jenna
“I would…” – Me
COMMERCIAL – I must buy the Ultimate Warrior DVD….
“Woooo.” – Bill
Here comes the Natcha’ Boy with a microphone.
“I’ve been jumped more times than I can talk..” – Flair
“Talk?!” – Eric
“Back in the day it was the four horseman… woo! Nowadays.. it takes just one…” – Flair
“This will start a feud with Dean Malenko” – Hernandez
Flair comes out with a sledgehammer… next week, the Natcha Boy gets even. It’s the return of Triple H! Game on.. Woo! Flair then points to the Titantron.
“HEY LOOK! When did that TV get there?!” – Me
“I still want to know what game they are going to play…” – Dani
“Monopoly.” – Eric
“Parcheezi.” – Hernandez
“This is a nice package though.” – Me
“He’s not coming back from an injury though.” – Hernandez
“Or else we’ld hear Creed… we did this exact exchange last week.” – Me
In the back Bischoff is on the phone, and Cena interrupts him.
“ROCK CENA!” – Me
Last week, as we know, Cena vs. Bischoff… Cena knows all about Bischoff – he’s a NINJA IN FOUR STATES!
“Can we just sing ‘The Glow’ during next week’s match?” – Hernandez
“Huh?” – Eric
“You’ve never seen The Last Dragon?” – Hernandez
A little Shelton Benjamin package before the commercial ends.
“Hey who was that?” – Hernandez
“Jericho…” – Me
“Who?” – Hernandez
SHELTON vs. KERWIN
In a rematch…
“Hey look! Kerwin’s got a Caddie! It’s Crash Holly” – Hernandez
“Is that Chris Masters” – Dani
Before Kerwin gets into the ring, Shelton grabs the microphone, congratulating him on his caddie. Shelton than states that Chavo sucks.
“Who?” – Hernandez
The match starts as the ref is trying to fight with the caddy over the golf club. Shelton attacks Chavo, throws him HIGH up just to watch him drop. Kerwin though gets up quick and continues the fight – choking Shelton with his shirt.
Kerwin gets the snapmare into the armbar. Shelton shoulderchecks White out of the armbar… Then a backdrop sends Shelton over the top rope. Shelton skins the cat off the top rope – he sends Kerwin into the corner, and charges. Shelton leaps to the top..
“He’s Spiderman!” – Dani
“Closer to Blackula” – Hernandez
“Black Panther?” – Jenna
“Yeah, he’s Tch’alla” – Dani
Shelton hits the clothesline and Kerwin bails to outside the ring. Shelton catches him.. and arguably the caddy grabbed his leg.. it looks like he might have forgotten his spot – as the verticle suplex goes up – and Kerwin lands on him for 3.
WINNER: KERWIN WHITE
“You would think that Chavo’s family would disown him, but they like this angle.” – Hernandez
“Yeah, they get a new car!” – Me
COMMERCIAL – but before we go out, somebody sets a ladder in the ring.
A question from Eric!
“What do we think the outcoming is going to be of Matt/Edge?”
“Matt wins, Edge uses the briefcase before the end to stay on the show.” – Dani
“Matt wins, Edge goes to Smackdown” – Hernandez
“Hardy wins, Edge goes to Smackdown – it would make sense for him to go against Batista” – Hernandez
“Edge stays on Raw, Matt goes to Smackdown makes more sense, but I don’t agree with it.” – Eric
“Kane. Matt gets the case because of Kane.” – Padawan
“I think we’re seeing the Matt comeback.. after all – he’s won two matches…” – Bill
There we have it.
Back in the ring – here comes Edge and Lita. Lita in a neckbrace.
“You’d think Lita’s neck would be stronger.. all that muscle exercise” – Bill
Lita explains that Matt will lose next week… oh and that Edge and she are ready to move on.
“She’s more or less saying she wants OUT of this gimmick.” – Me
Lita remembers five years ago, Edge & Christian vs. The Hardy Boys in a Ladder match – and she was happy to support her man..
“..All of them.” – Hernandez
“Wow….Attention to history? The writers must have run out of things to do.” – Padawan
Edge climbs the ladder – and then discusses how crazy one becomes when climbing the ladder. How he made a career out of climbing ladders.
“Here comes Matt from the rafters” – Padawan
“Splat.” – Eric
Hey! Look, it’s Matt! Shocker. Matt tries to push down the ladder… and fails… or something. He then backs up, and THEN goes and tips the ladder. Edge misses the nutshot on the ropes… ouch.
Edge sells it – Lita looks fearful… and Coach screws around with the lag on the show by starting to say USA.. then when the audio returns.. saying USA NETWORK.. to the point where they actually bleeped out him saying SPIKE TV… it’s genius.
Hey Eric is in the back and here comes Teddy Long! Holler Holler!
“The key word is WWE” – Teddy
“…word?” – Hernandez
Teddy wants Smackdown exposure next week on Homecoming. Bischoff wants no part of it.. but Vince is here, and he was thinking…
“Homecoming.. the best show ever produced.” – Vince
“DAVE!?!?!?” – Dani
Vince says that Smackdown gets a match on Raw next week. To be announced on Friday. Bischoff tries to weasle his way out of next week’s match again. Vince then pumps up Bischoff for next week’s match.. including talking about how Eric is one of the most ruthless sunzabiches that..
“I’ve ever pimpslapped” – Hernandez
..I’ve ever seen.
“I want to see Bish as Champ” – Bill
“Bill – you’ve never watched pro wrestling, when a shitty champion exists.. you think Triple H is bad… you’ve never seen David Arquette.” – Me
“No, no. I only want to see that because I want to watch Angle take him apart” – Bill
“good boy” – Me
COMMERCIAL – We get the TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES screen during the Penzoil commercial!?!?!?
We come back in the ring to the Big V’s… Viscera and Val… why, we don’t know. OH yes we do.. there is no competent tag teams.
VISCERA & VAL vs. CADE & GARRISON
Cade starting in the ring with Val – lock up and fight to the corner. Cade goes for the cheapshot, but it’s blocked by Val and Val sends him to the corner… elbow drops Cade, and then he drops Murdoch. Bodyslam by Val, and a continued beatdown by Venis who climbs the turnbuckle and gets tossed by Murdoch.
On the outside Murdoch beats down Val and sends him in. Cade now on top, a tag to Murdoch with an atomic drop and a neckbreaker as Murdoch climbs on Val and goes for the chinlock.
“Murdoch is nasty” – Coach
“He’s Daaaag-nasty.” – Me
Val tags in Viscera – which would have been a hot tag, if we cared more. He then goes and throws both guys around. Viscera goes and goes for the big splash on Murdoch – followed by the Money Shot… Looks like they got it when Cade comes in and stops the ref’s counting!
So to stop from losing the match… they got disqualified.. and lost the match…
“But they haven’t been pinned yet.” – Hernandez
“True.. true..” – Me
In the back Masters and Carlito discuss splinters in table matches. Masters has a Masterplan that, in fact, does not involve splinters.
It’s now time for Eugene! He’s coming out with the Shawn Michaels bear! Awwww… And yes, the Rabble are in fact, the last people that cheer Eugene. We like him. Shut up.
Sadly, Eugene is just a jobber at this point…
EUGENE vs. ROB CONWAY
The Shawn Michaels Bear is going to get better heat.
Lock up to start, and the armbar – Eugene tosses him to the ropes, and the shouldercheck drops Eugene. The bear in fact tells him what to do.
“Is he having a Head complex?” – Hernandez
Eugene goes in for the airplane spin, Conway loses his glasses, and Eugene gets the Jay Strongbow, Dusty Rhodes, JYD set… and then puts on Conway’s glasses.
“And now has all of his power.” – Hernandez
“Thank you Samson.” – Me
Conway doesn’t like this and charges in and beats down Eugene because he took his glasses. He tosses Eugene to the ropes, drops him, and then does the Steiner-Elbow.. yuck. For two.
Conway puts him in a chinlock, and then slams him headfirst to the turnbuckle. TARDING UP! He does the Hogan finger point, and then the punches. He goes for the Rock Bottom, but Conway fights out of it. He hits Conway with the spinebuster.. then the People’s Elbow for 2.
Eugene goes for the Hacksaw 3-point stance… but Conway uses the doll as a defense.. and then rips the doll in half.
“..conway is ruthless.. did that come across monotone enough?” – Hernandez
Conway gets the Ego Trip, and the pin.
WINNER: ROB CONWAY
And with 20 minute left on the clock…
Here comes Carlito in his new awesome shirt. And there are apples on his crotch, fun! The announce team takes this time to say USA about 30 times. Oh, and.. masters..
“Shawn, I think your wife wants her dress back…” – Hernandez
“MARTY WANTS HIS CLOTHES BACK!!! It’s cold in jail.” – Hernandez
“I’M CHANNELING THE ROCK AND AUSTIN! NOW WHAT!” – Hernandez
“I shall form a conglomerated.. mallata… MONGREL WORLD CHAMPION!” – Me
Match starts with Shawn on Masters.. and Cena on Carlito. Cena bails to the outside.. They fight for some outside. Then Masters gets tossed and Michaels is left to beat down on Carlito in the ring.
“I think HBK needs to push Cena and say…John! Get the tables!” – Padawan
“This match is impossible to write…” – Me
Okay.okayokay… Carlito and Masters set a table on the outside.. Carlito begins the beatdown outside, trying to get him through the table. Inside, Masters and Shawn exchange chops.
Suplex fought and blocked back and forth between Cena and Carlito. Cena gets the upperhand and sends him face first to the canvas. Inside Michaels hits the flying forearm, and misses the Superkick – hitting the ref by accident.. who DOESN’T break the table.
“Ref.. word of advice… next time.. jump.” – Hernandez
“AND THE REF LOSES!” – Bill
We come back and Masters is in the ring with Cena.. he goes for the FU – but Carlito charges in, and distracts him enough to get caught in the Masterlock. Shawn breaks it.
During the flashback to 30 seconds ago, something happened that got the bad guys on top. Geez… I blink and the entire match changes. In the ring Carlito is beating down on HBK… Masters outside with Cena, tossing him into the stairs.
Carlito sends out HBK, and Masters joins him on the double beatdown. Masters tosses in HBK and ends up back in the ring with him. He tosses HBK against the ropes – gets the gorilla slam.
“Shades of the Ultimate Warrior, henceforth referred to… as Peaches.” – Hernandez
Masters goes for it again, but gets a rake of the eyes – and HBK gets tossed into the ropes – tree of woooooaayyy out of the ring.
“Wouldn’t it suck if they got tossed at 11pm?” – Eric
Now Masters in the ring with Cena. Carlito brings in a table, and Masters sets it up in the corner of the ring while Carlito and he beat down the champ. Veritcal suplex from Masters onto Cena. They whip Cena into the ropes.. and HBK SPEARS CENA! Nice save!
Now Cena comes in and beats on Masters while HBK handles Carlito. Huge bulldog from Cena to Masters. Now they both got their boys in the turnbuckle.. they climb the buckle.. they do the double punch down.. they toss them into each other. They scoop slam them together. Double 5 knuckle shuffle. HBK giggles at how he has no idea what he is doing.
Carlito bails while Masters eats the FU. 11pm and we are STILL on the air. 11:05?
Cena sets up the table. Here comes Angle and Bischoff!? Masters gets put on the table as Angle comes in and hits Cena. HBK goes to the top to try and leap onto Cena – Angle pushes him off and he lands on a table. Cena gets in the ring and goes to FU Angle, but Bischoff lowblows him and he gets tossed through the table.
Bischoff stands in the ring, holding up the title… nice fun match, even though it was hard to write about, but a Sportz Entertainment ending… ok, fine.. I guess I’ll let it go.
“Next week it’s going to be…” – JR & LAWLER
“USA USA USA USA USA USA USA” – Me
And the coup de grat? It says ‘NEXT WEEK ON USA’ right on the closing watermark.. hot!
“G’bye Spike, we’ll miss you.” – Jenna
“Good set up for next week. I’m looking unfortunately forward to it.” – Eric
“Unfortunately?” – Hernandez
“I don’t want Trips to come back..” – Eric
“I’m looking forward to the USA Retrospective.” – Hernandez
“We’re going to have to figure out what station USA is..” – Dani
“Fun how they kept trying to hide that they were going to USA until they screwed it up though.” – Padawan
“That ending ruined what I felt was a decent show, with some really strong promos for next week.” – Bill
“So in a show that was half-up.. half-down.. it was exactly what I thought it would be – and was kinda fun.” – Me
On a final note, in forever a memory of this show, as we are watching the UFC… we are filling every censored word in with the words USA…
Oh! And tomorrow’s Hernandez’ birthday.
G’night all. See you next week for 3.. maybe 4 hours of typing…