Previously, on Desperate Housewives:
Sometimes, the truth about our loved ones can lead you into harm’s way.
Some new neighbors move in, John reveals to Carlos that he is the father of Gabrielle’s baby, Lynette forced his husband out of promotion so he’s decided to become a stay-at-home dad, Curious George the Curious Little Pharmacist screws with Rex’s medication and causes a life-ending heart attack, and finally, Zach has decided to exact revenge on Mike Delfino for taking his father out into the middle of nowhere.
It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor. People had seen her drunk at sewing deeds, the department of motor vehicles and the First Methodist Church. Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn’t. And one night, in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst. Luckily for Ida, God was listening.
Ida takes a swig of her liquor as she leaves her home and we flashback to the moments mentioned above, before returning to her watching Mike Delfino pull into his driveway, enter to see Zach with a handgun, Susan sitting in horror, and Mike confused. Zach approaches and goes to shoot, but Susan knocks Zach down and grabs the gun, turning to point it at Zach, but Bongo attacks Susan as she falls to a chair, the gun misfiring and going out the window, smashing Ida’s bottle of liquor. Zach makes a run for it, as Ida looks at her now empty liquor bottle.
It was at that moment, it occured to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn’t particularly subtle.
You’re watching Desperate Housewives, and I still HATE Dead Woman Narrating. For those of you just joining the show, the woman narrating is someone who was killed off on the very first episode of the series and she has decided to enjoy heaven by looking down on her friends on Wisteria Lane and narrating their life. It’s so irritating.
It had been a year since my death, and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. Children had learned new games, new neighbors had moved in, old houses had been rebuilt, and fresh tragedies had occurred. In one house, a widow was getting ready to tell her friends of her husband’s passing. But until the time was right, she would wait. And life, as it tends to do, goes on.
Kids play some game involving throwing a football over a fence which looks insanely boring, we see the new neighbors again, Edie is overlooking the rebuilding of her burnt down home, and Bree sits, tapping her cordless phone and waiting for the right moment to call and tell everyone about Rex’s passing.
At the hospital room, Susan has a swollen lip from falling down and biting it, as Generic Policeman arrives to take her statement about the incident. Susan goes through the whole story, but she has to keep her gauze in so it can collect the blood pooling in her mouth. Mike takes the policeman away to fill in the blanks as Julie goes to get Susan more ice. Mike talks with the policeman about not pressing charges on Zach, even though the policeman thinks that it would be wise since a handgun was involved. Julie looks perplexed, as we go back to the clock ticking away the minutes until Bree gives everyone the phone call.
Gabrielle has just finished her shower, and steps out of the stall to find a trail of roses leading back to her bedroom, where John lies on the bed, sipping some champagne. He knows where she keeps the key, you see. John offers some wine to Gabrielle, but she’s pregnant. John made it with seltzer, but Gabrielle wants to know why he pulled that trick in the courtroom to get Carlos pulled away from the courtroom, a move which could land him with a much more strict sentence that could put Carlos into jail for eight years. John thinks that as time goes by, she’ll realize that it’s awesome to be just John and Gabrielle together. Gabrielle’s eyes wander, and then she notices that John brought luggage. Gabrielle is now rushing towards the front door with his luggage, wanting him out as John’s excuse is that Carlos won’t be around anymore, so they don’t have to sneak around, they can have a real relationship. Besides, it’s good for them and the baby, but Gabrielle doesn’t know if the baby is his just yet. Gabrielle chucks his luggage out the front door and announces that since John told Carlos about the affair, she hasn’t been the biggest fan of the gardener.
Time is ticking away as Lynette prepares to leave for a meeting. She makes a critique of her husband’s fathering, but he believes that it’s his mess to clean up, so it should be his decision to make regarding whether or not the kids fingerpaint before breakfast. Lynette is nervous because she is an old woman going into a business field that prefers youth, but Tom reassures her that everything is going to be okay. Lynette goes to get her cell phone as the clock continues to tick.
Bree waits at her phone still, watching intently as the clock finally strikes 9 AM on the dot and she picks up the phone to call Lynette. Lynette asks to borrow the scarf and then gets the bad news.
The Housewives gather to talk about Rex, as Susan thought they were going to operate on Rex. But Rex’s heart just gave out. Lynette said Bree would call when they could come over and talk to her. She has a lot to do to prep for the funeral. Gabrielle then notices that Bree is out on the sidewalk, looking out in the street and holding a box of soymilk. The other three girls go over to comfort her, as she tells them that she’s waiting for Rex’s mother. Also, the soymilk is something that Rex only drinks, and since she just bought it on Friday, she didn’t want it to go to waste. The other Housewives don’t want dead soymilk, though, so Bree pitches it. They encourage Bree to let it out, but she has to keep her composure for Rex’s mother. A cab speeds around the corner with Rex’s mother hanging out the window as the cab comes to a screeching halt and the sobbing mother holds Bree wailing that her life is over after this hideous nightmare.
Lynette is having an interview with Nina Fletcher, who immediately notices her seven-year gap between jobs. Lynette tells Nina that it’s four kids, but it won’t interfere with the job since he’s staying at home with them now. Nina chose not to have a family so that she wouldn’t pass off work to other co-workers because of a doctor appointment or a dance recital. She’s really neurotic about that. Lynette says that it won’t be an issue, since she has longed for the office life and that she’ll have to be dragged back to home life kicking and screaming. Nina offers a follow-up, but she wants Lynette to be early and show her something.
Rex’s mother is reminicising, but she’s going a little overboard by trying to control Rex’s attire for the funeral, and then Rex’s mother shows Andrew the dirty magazine that Rex tried to hide under his bed. Rex thought he was getting away with it, but he wasn’t. That’s just plain creepy. Andrew notes that Rex must’ve been into big breasts, which makes Rex’s mother wonder why Rex married Bree. Bree looks really evil with her hair tied back, but just gives a feigned smile to Rex’s mother when she glances at her.
At the jail, Carlos is visiting with Gabrielle as Carlos is giving Gabby the silent treatment, but Gabby is cool with that. For a moment. Gabby then admits to having an affair, but nobody died so it’s not the worst thing that could happen. Carlos went off on his business trips so he was cheating and his mistress was work. Gabrielle wants to start over but Carlos is walking away, and she asks what Carlos could want besides her love. “I want a paternity test.”
The new neighbor lady is sweeping her porch as Bree and Danielle come over with some housewarming gifts for the Applewhites. Matthew introduces himself, and either the writers aren’t very good or the actors aren’t very good, because it’s so easy to see that Matthew likes the white meat of Danielle. Bree explains that there’s been a death in the family so she couldn’t visit sooner, and Matthew identifies with that since he lost his father too, apologizing for their loss as Danielle thanks him. Bree’s visit has an alterior motive, however. She wants Mrs. Applewhite to be the church organist. Mrs. Applewhite agrees and Bree hands over a gift of cookies, taking off as Mrs. Applewhite asks Matthew what the deal was with pretending that their father/husband was dead. He wanted to help the cover story out, but Mrs. Applewhite suggests in the future that the cleverness be left to her.
Susan Mayer’s home is not protected by Dorset Security, but the sign was given to her by Manslaughter Mike to deter Zach from coming back to the house, in case he ever did return. Mike is actually on a ride-along with police searching for Zach right now. Susan encourages Julie to bring up the expensive “security system” to kids at school, like Zach is even going to come to school when he’s on the run, but Julie has to let Susan know about Mike acting like the Zach thing was all Susan’s fault and that Mike does not intend to press charges. Susan seems perplexed…
…as Gabby arrives for her paternity test. Well, she doesn’t want to take one. She just wants to take someone else’s results and she’ll just take care of the rest. “I got Photoshop for Christmas.” The receptionist can’t do that, but Gabrielle mistakens her self-expression for a love of adultery, and the receptionist goes away, as another patient looks at her paternity test results. This lady mistakenly got an egg from a lesbian woman, so her husband is now freaking out over the idea of their baby possibly being gay. Not the same situation as Gabby’s, but she offers the lady a cup of coffee, taking the piece of paper from the lady as she claims that that piece of paper can’t get in between girls sticking together. She folds it up to put it in her purse.
Rex’s mother is still trying to overthrow his son’s wedding, this time with the eulogy as she assumes that it’s all going to be laughs and giggles and came up with 15 pages of anectdotes for the reverend to read at the funeral. Well, of course he can pick and choose. Bree snatches the list of funny stories away from Rex’s mother before it can reach the reverend’s hand, and there’s a standoff between the women before they both sit. Bree notices that all the anecdotes are from the time before Bree’s marriage to Rex, so she feels that that should be the focal point and that three funny stories should be enough. Rex’s mother figured that the eulogy should focus on the happiest time in his life and not the one that led to his death, but the reverend ignores that insensitive comment until Bree calls her on it. Bree claims that Rex loved being a husband and a father, but Rex’s mother counters by saying that the last years of his life were miserable because of Bree and now he won’t have another chance at happiness. Bree then uninvites Rex’s mother to the funeral, as the reverend is stunned to hear that Bree will bring security to keep Rex’s mother away from the funeral, even if it means those security guys beating her away with sticks. Bree wants the reverend to back her up on this, because if he doesn’t, she’ll pull the funeral from his church and go non-denominational so fast it’ll make his head spin. Bree storms off and the reverend can only take a sip of his coffee…
…and Edie takes a sip of bad coffee before turning back to the construction of her house. Susan arrives to talk to Mike, but Edie wants to know about Zach holding Susan hostage. Zach didn’t do anything to hurt, Susan, however, but Edie was thinking that she’d be roughed up a little. It wasn’t like that, so Edie finally lets Susan go talk to Mike. Susan mentions the rumor about not pressing charges on Zach, and it’s true. Susan finds that confusing, but Mike doesn’t want to make a big deal about this so that Zach doesn’t go to prison. Mike just doesn’t think Zach could handle it, and he would know since he’s been in prison. He knows that deep down, Zach’s a good kid since he wanted to kill Mike but he didn’t. Mike is then forced to explain the story about why Zach thinks that his father Paul is dead: Dierdre, Mike’s old flame had a baby sixteen years ago, Mary Alice and Paul kidnapped it until Dierdre tracked the baby down, asked for it back, but was murdered by Mary Alice. Susan is shocked by this news, naturally, as Edie arrives with Mike’s phone. It’s the police, who tell Mike that Zach’s dead, and that Mike had to go to identify the body. Wow. That quickly?
Mike arrives to identify the body with Susan, since the father is missing and there was no one else to call. The doctor pulls the sheet forward to reveal the face of someone other than Zach Young. Nice. Mike seems stunned by the face nonetheless, and Susan asks for a minute to go talk to Mike. “Zach is your son, isn’t he?” Mike’s pretty sure, as Paul Young told him. Dierdre was pregnant before Mike went to jail and told Mike that she had an abortion, but she lied. Mike took Paul out to the desert and wanted to hurt him, but when he told him that they had taken care of his baby, the rage just went away and kept him from doing stupid. Susan is floored once again, and goes to take a cab home and get away from Mike as soon as possible.
Bree is polishing the counter, as Andrew pleads with Bree to let Rex’s mother continue to stay. “Look, I’m sure she was a real bitch. Okay, but she’s family. That makes her our bitch.” Andrew wants her to say goodbye to daddy, and Danielle adds that she’ll never forgive Bree if Grandma doesn’t come. Andrew didn’t ask for her help with this, and then let’s Rex know that he would want her there. So it has to be Bree to admit that they did not have the perfect marriage despite her very best for 18 years. She believes she deserves her respect for that much. Rex’s mother does respect her, but it was going to be easier to be angry to Bree than be angry with Rex. Rex’s mother is reinvited to the funeral, and she breaks down again. She asks someone to get her luggage again.
Lynette is preparing to go to work again, but Tom’s back has gone out trying to hold Parker upside-down. Despite Lynette’s best efforts, Tom is down for the count and Penny needs attention since Tom is now crying just a little bit, and Lynette has to take care of the kids after all as she’s rushing out the door to be at her interview. Lynette rushes into the office, and passes off her kid onto Stu, the receptionist. Inside Ed Ferrera’s office, he is in a rush to get on a plane to see the Boston Celtics on the floor of the arena, but Lynette is too distracted by Stu being distracted by a good-looking girl. The baby cries and Lynette has to run to help her. Nina is not impressed that Lynette brought her daughter to the interview, and since Penny won’t be quiet, Lynette has to multitask changing the baby’s diaper and explaining why she’ll be a big part of the company. Ferrera’s impressed and gives her the job as Ed has to run. Nina looks like a Skanktron 5000, by the way. Bothers me.
Gabrielle presents the paternity test results in black-and-white Photoshop editing, proving that Carlos is the father. Carlos thinks that isn’t enough, since he asked for only one thing: fidelity, which Gabrielle could not give. Gabrielle asked for no children, but Carlos tricked her into getting pregnant. They both admit to being bad people, but at least they’re rich.
Mike walks out the door, running into Susan as Susan apologizes for being rude at the morgue after the announcement. Susan congratulates Mike for having a child, as it’s good news. Susan is sad since Mike wants to have a relationship with Zach and that’s the one kid that Susan can’t be around, nor Julie. So that means they’re not moving in together, even though Susan is so happy for Mike. Mike wonders if there’s anyway, but there isn’t. Susan will see Mike around, and there she goes. Such a soap opera. I really need to stop watching it.
Funeral time, and something wonky is bound to happen as Mrs. Applewhite plays the organ and the reverend arrives. Everyone has gathered, even Edie looking especially slutty in her dress. They all pay their respects, but Bree gets angry at the orange tie and wants to strangle Rex’s mother. The reverend bowls through the eulogy, but as it ends and the pallbearers prepare to close the coffin, Bree interrupts them and goes for the tie. Here we go. Bree wants Tom’s tie, and she gets it, changing Rex’s tie as everyone is weirded out. The deed is done, however, and Bree is happy again. “You look magnificent.” The organ music resumes, and the pallbearers resume their work as Bree walks out, defiant.
The Housewives walk home from the funeral as Susan explains Mary Alice murdering Dierdre to them. Gabrielle finds it bizarre that they had the secret all these years and no one noticed. Susan mentions that if they’re good neighbors, they don’t care about what happens behind closed doors.
It had been a year since my suicide, and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. There were new flowers, and new neighbors, the kind anyone would want, living right next door.
Mrs. Applewhite is playing a hymn on the piano as Matthew brings in her dinner. “I’ll get the tray. You take the gun.” Matthew puts it in the back of his jeans as the Applewhites descend into the basement, unlocking a door that leads to a secret room where the dinner is turned to face a mysterious man, locked up with shackles as he grabs his drink.
Weird. Too weird.