1-900-Idiot-Savant

Well, last time we met was under unfortunate circumstances, at best. Pin wheeling is probably too kind a term to attribute to last week’s mess, so let’s just forget that 2 weeks ago never happened and just leave it at that.

I will say that my domestic problems have been a complete and utter pain in the ass. I’m apparently using the second worst ISP next to Comcast, as the number of outages, service interruptions and enough pain in the ass to make me think I’m George Michael. I think over the course of writing this column my connection cut out like 3 times.

Well, the Vancouver Canucks are now 0-4 in the preseason, while the Ottawa Senators are alive and on fire. While everyone knows that the preseason means exactly nothing, as it’s where the minor leaguers and rookies get a shot to show their stuff, I can’t help but say that the Sens are looking particularly strong and the Canucks just seem to be lacking chemistry. Hopefully Crow will have things figured out for next Wednesday where we square off against the Coyotes.

Calgary is also looking to be quite strong. I can see this season coming down to the Flames, Canucks and probably Detroit, although they are about a season away from rebuilding efforts.

This would be my contribution for those of you who love TV. The pilot episode of Everybody Hates Chris is available, for free. Click the link if you haven’t seen the ‘biggest’ television show that was on last Thursday. Except, of course, for Joey, which did a 7.8 for the Nielsen rating compared to the 7.6 EHC did. Oh f*ck it, it’s a good show and you should watch it.

‘Pimp’les

Shawn’s got a column this week with LOTS of pictures, and talks of Fiona Apple.

Aaron regales us with tales of matrimonial bliss and the joys that come with having to interact with the opposite sex, and also makes an excellent pirate reference.

Mathan wants you to buy his little brother’s disc from his talent show. Or something. Apparently Mathan’s bro is really steeped.

Noowz

I guess I should get down to covering something substantial here…..eh?

– Ozzy Osbourne was arrested for MURDER earlier this week. Well, okay, no, not THAT Ozzy Osbourne. Some moron who changed his name to Ozzy Osbourne, in a tribute to the Dinosaur of Metal, was arrested for fatally stabbing a local drug dealer to death, across the pond, in England. And here I’m sure most of you were thinking that the Iron Maiden / Ozzy feud was REALLY starting to heat up, hu?

– A previously unreleased Bob Marley tune, entitled ‘Slogans’, will be on the Africa Unite: The Singles Collection compilation, which is due out in November. Apparently this was recorded in 1979 on cassette, which just blows my mind. You’d think that after 26 years, most everything in Marley’s catalogue and whatever was ‘in the vaults’ would have been unearthed.

– Cradle of Fucking Horrible Garbage Filth will be releasing a DVD that will have a song called ‘Gilded Cunt’ on it. There’s really nothing much else to this beyond the fact that I like to say gilded cunt. Gilded cunt, gilded cunt, gilded cunt! Ladies and gentlemen, the FUTURE of Canada is here before you, shucking and jiving for your own amusement….GILDED CUNT!

– Bon Tempo, arguably the greatest rock band to have ever made a record, are rumored to be back in the studio recording the follow-up to their 2001 epic. Standards are set high for this duo, who lit up the alternative-heavy-rock charts up here in Canada with their hit single ‘Subjugate Me’. Seriously, this shit’s gonna ROCK, I tells ya.

– The Killers, arguably the most boring rock band to have achieved critical success in the last decade or so, are having a war of words with The Bravery and Fall Out Boy because their A&R guy is paying more attention to them. Jesus f*cking Christ, I don’t want to know if this is a fabrication in order to keep the idea going that The Killers are ‘hip’ and ‘rebellious’, or if they’re truly as stupid as they’re coming across. Honestly, has the collective intelligence and mentality of the entire goddamned world quantum leaped back to high school? Just…UGH.

– The Offspring are set to perform at Blizzcon, a gathering of fans of Blizzard Entertainment’s games, which include the hugely popular World of Warcraft MMORPG, the Starcraft franchise and the Diablo franchise. Guitarist Noodles was excited at the prospect of performing in front of a bunch of socially awkward, acne ridden computer misfits, saying it’s a step-up from begging for spare change at the local Greyhound terminal. By the way, I think the $120 gate that this event is charging makes this the most expensive show that The Offspring have appeared on…and they’re not even the HEADLINERS. I mean, f*ck, yeah, I could see being second fiddle to the Rolling Stones or the Black Eyed Peas or some other artist, but playing the bitch for a VIDEO GAME? Ha, ha, ha!

– Gilded Cunt! Something which brings to mind a far more pleasant image than that of one Courtney Love. The Crack Addiction With Legs is now getting slapped with yet ANOTHER lawsuit. Kristin King is suing Soggy McCuntpaste alleging assault, battery, false imprisonment, and intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. And, yeah. Check back next week to find out what WILD and WACKY adventures Courtney will be caught up in!

– Metallica will be appearing on an upcoming episode of the Simpsons. Man, from Cypress Hill & The Smashing Pumpkins to Metallica? I think it’s safe to say the Simpsons have officially jumped the shark.

– Good Charlotte, worthless hacks that they are, actually did something I never thought they could have done. No, they didn’t write and perform some music that was actually good, but we’re close. The boys from Good Charlotte actually managed to entertain me.

Apparently the boys in Good Charlotte are suffering from the same delusions as yours truly. See, they think that their opinion actually matters, and have started a blog to detail their attempts at not only showing how utterly retarded they are, but also to sound off, in an attempt to sound important.

Singer Joel Madden mouthed off Kelly Clarkson in a recent blog post. His Tweedle Dee to his Tweedle Dum brother, Benji, decided to add his own two cents to this shitstorm. To wit:

“”I will sum the last one up. I shouted out they (My Chemical Romance), Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday and said reality shows suck. My mom told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. So I won’t say ‘Amercian Idol’ sux, but it does make me laugh when someone like Kelly Clarkson disses someone like Hilary Duff, cause let’s not forget it, Kelly (BTW-Kanye West thinks you have a nice ass, I saw him look at it one time) (me, I prefer the more fit look) anyways – you were a ‘contestant’ on a TV show. Hilary made herself. Ok ok I am a little partial to Hilary becasue I know what a great person she is and how talented she is first hand. Its all good I just think it is funny how us little humans lose perspective.”

Wow. First of all, I apologize for posting that mess in here. Second of all, if you were wondering what the hell I was doing pillaging some retarded 14 year old’s blog, I again apologize, but, honestly, that’s the Real Deal, here folks. The innermost workings of one of America’s foremost rock stars sounds like an ADD addled twat whose Mother (and, oh my stars and garters, he does indeed reference his mother!) won’t let him stay up an extra half hour so he can watch the end of Transformers.

Let’s take a little more in-depth look at this, shall we? Also, let’s see exactly how well Benji fares on our Angsty Bitch-o-Meter. Each point indicates exactly how much of a spoiled wastrel he is, and how many bullets should be spent on his worthless carcass. Let’s proceed, shall we?

I shouted out they (My Chemical Romance), Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday and said reality shows suck

Well, there’s at least 2 points earned here, for referencing not only several popular ‘trendy’ bands, but also referencing reality television as ‘sucking’. I guess, being one of the Crown Princes of Suck, you’d know your own subjects rather well, wouldn’t you, Benji?

My mom told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Take that line of thinking one step further and just don’t say anything. At all. Also, another point for referencing your mom. If you had called her a bitch or said that she was ‘so unfair’ or that life was ‘unfair’, I might just have had to thrown in the towel, due to my brain imploding from the titantic amount of stupidity that would be assaulting my neural centers. God, do I ever sound like a Star Trek geek.

So I won’t say ‘Amercian Idol’ sux, but it does make me laugh when someone like Kelly Clarkson disses someone like Hilary Duff

Or like when some vapid, overplayed idiot who decides to spout off about bands made up of other vapid, overplayed idiots. And really, is the whole source of your ire here because Clarkson tried to make a cute joke about your, OMGLOLZOR, girlfriend? 1 point for using ‘sux’ in favor of proper English, another point for doing a cheap bait and switch, and a 3 points for getting angry because your girlfriend was made fun of, although in a completely light hearted way. Christ, good thing your name isn’t Moose and Hilary’s name isn’t Midge, otherwise I’d shudder to think what horrible things you’d be doing to Ms. Clarkson.

cause let’s not forget it, Kelly (BTW-Kanye West thinks you have a nice ass, I saw him look at it one time) (me, I prefer the more fit look) anyways – you were a ‘contestant’ on a TV show.

Painful, I know. First off, you’re an ‘idiot’ on the ‘internet’. Second of all, you gain at least 10 points here for completely derailing the coherency of your post by launching off into a pointless tangent about asses, and at least one bonus point for pointlessly name dropping someone who probably washed his hands after shaking yours. Actually, come to think of it, you don’t ever mention actually meeting Kanye West, which means Mr. West was casually ignoring your scrubby ass while he scoped out the ladies in whatever room you all happened to be situated in. Nice job of making yourself look like a nobody, moron. Oh, and another point.

Hilary made herself.

Okay, 3 points for being so completely removed from reality because of a VAGINA, you have lost the use of all mental faculties. I’m certain that her Soccer Mom on Cocaine manager of a mother had absolutely nothing to do with her rise to stardom. I’m also certain that the juggernaut known as Disney did absolutely nothing to assist in the ramming of her blubbery, saccharine-esque face down our throats. I am positive that Hilary has never benefited from the assistance of such wonderful programs such as Pro Tools, even though the most casual of listeners (ie, ME) can detect the electronic handprints all over your vocal stylings. Certainly Ms. Duff had no assistance from an acting coach, songwriters, producers, good genetics, etc. Yup, the American Dream lives on in Ms. Duff’s dainty little ass.

PS, if you prefer the more ‘fit’ look, you’re gonna be in for a rude awakening in a couple of years when your girlfriend reaches Anna Nicole Smith proportions.

Ok ok I am a little partial to Hilary becasue I know what a great person she is and how talented she is first hand.

First hand, you mean first HANDJOB. HA HA HA! Never let it be said I that there is no level I will not stoop to. Benji gets another point for being delusional and then outright admitting it, and a point for a simple spelling error, of which the truly GOLDEN blogs are rife with. Another 2 points for thumping your chest (yet again) over your lady-friend.

Its all good I just think it is funny how us little humans lose perspective.

Indeed. Let’s give this an even 6 points for being so goddamned ironic, that it’d be completely lost on you.

Seriously, this is the sort of idiocy that dominates popular music these days. No wonder I’m of a mind to completely swear off this writing gig and retreat to the Rocky Mountains: it’d save my poor brain from subjecting myself to such mental garbage.

So, fire up the semi-automatic weaponry, for poor Benji is getting pumped with 32 rounds of hot lead. Serves the bastard right.

Anyway, I had some less misanthropic writings slotted to go in here, but I think I’ve reached my limit this week. Expect some stuff in 2 weeks time, and enjoy the rest of your Hump Day. I’m Trevor and I only read Good musician blogs.

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