First off I’m REALLY sorry for the lateness with this weeks column. There is a good reason though last night it was my friends 18th Birthday so obviously he had a big party at a bar and when I’m at a bar I tend to drink so after about 4-5 pints I got in at 1:30 in the morning and got to bed. Fact is it’s midday as I write this and I’m not fully dressed yet. Anyhoo I have a commitment to my readership so I had a big mug of tea and I’m ready and raring to go. SO LET’S GET GOING!
Hosts are Cole and Tazz
We are in Laredo which is basically on the Mexican border and 90% of the people are Mexican so what does WWE do? Start the show with everyone’s favourite immigrant hater JBL of course! JBL comes out with a sombrero, a Mexican flag, a donkey and a ring you get at swimming parks and actually looks pretty funny. This is like evolution in reverse as JBL now goes straight to cheap heat which he hasn’t done since his first feud with Eddie. He truly has come full circle. Actually this cheap heat stuff is pretty funny, miles better than his 2004 vintage “Giving Eddies mother a heart attack” anyway this leads to
JBL and MMMMMRRRRRR KENNEDY……..KENNEDY Vs Rey Mysterio and the Angry Old Man Bob Holly
Kennedy mistakes the donkey for Chimel. Easy mistake to make I guess. Gotta Rock Gotta Roll Got to Go Go Go. Man Kennedy’s music is awesome. He’s gained a ¼ pound to his 244. I can’t think why anyone would download that theme Rey has. Rey you can’t rap, no offence intended but you just can’t. Neither can Konnan. Rey and Kennedy start with Rey getting the advantage but a JBL distraction leads to Kennedy getting a shot in. JBL pounds on Rey but Holly jumps him and Rey gets a DDT and the tag to Holly. Holly gets some chops on JBL as the crowd approves. Vertical Suplex gets two for Holly. Rey comes in but takes a kick to the face. JBL pulls Rey outside and chokes him with the Mexican flag. Oh for f*cks sake are we in the f*cking 70’s? anyway that leads to Rey being face in peril. Last Call sends Rey across the ring. Into the big guys weapon of choice the bear hug. Crowd wills Rey to get out and he bites JBL to break it. Kennedy comes in and takes a dropkick and bulldog. Hot tag Holly as he gets a back body drop on JBL and the Full Nelson Driver on Kennedy. I’m liking this fire from Holly. Holly gets the “I wish I was Jumbo Tsurta” dropkick and goes for the Alabama Slamma but Kennedy stops that. Kennedy causes a distraction and JBL gets the lariat to get the win.
WINNER – THE EVIL AMERICANS
¾* – Too much JBL and not enough Kennedy
Backstage Eddie is eating some Mexican food and Batista comes up and says he should have it as Eddie had a “Bad Stomach” last week. He even steals his tortillas! Quite a good segment as Batista continues to subtly show he’s wise to all Eddie’s bullshit.
Meanwhile Christy shows up on her motor bike and breaks Melina’s nail. That’s a declaration of war sister.
Melina w/ MNM Vs Christy The Biker Chick
Myself and Tazz enjoy the greatest entrance in wrestling history as we do each week. I’ve never met Tazz but I feel our mutual perverted enjoyment of Melina getting in the ring has united our souls forever more. Lock up to start and that goes nowhere. Melina gets some strikes in and a nice dropkick for two. Into a sloppy looking arm lock. I appreciate the effort though. WWE really needs to hire some Joshi wrestlers to help teach these girls how to work better as Melina has good intensity and Christy has spunk and a will to improve. Melina stays on the arm and drops it on the rope from the apron. Nice. Melina then gets some forearms for two. Now some choking in the corner. Christy gets the Jerry Lynn roll up move in the corner for two and come clotheslines. Boot to the gut leads to a bridge for two. Who taught these girls to do actual wrestling moves? Hair toss gets two for Christy. Nitro trips Christy up and Melina gets the pin
WINNER – MELINA
*1/4 – Call me crazy but that’s one of the best women’s matches I’ve seen in a long time. There was good effort there and I can appreciate that more than anything else. It looks like Christy is heading for a 3 on 1 beating but LOZ save.
Recap of the Taker/Ortons crap last week. I can’t wait till No Mercy for them to end this torrid feud and let Randy work with someone else.
Out waddles Cowboy Bob to “challenge” the Undertaker. You know when the commentators are wise to the fact this is clearly a trap you take away all credibility the face has. He says Randy won’t interfere in the match because he told him to wait till No Mercy. Like I care about Bob Orton or Undertaker. Anyway Taker bites the hook and comes out. Like Orton is going to wrestle him? I have no patience for anything to do with this feud anymore and I don’t want to see Undertaker in Casket matches in 2005 unless it’s guaranteed to be with a good worker. Well they ring the bell so I guess it’s a “match”
Cowboy Snoreton Vs Undertaker
Orton gets some shots in but it doesn’t work and Taker gets some shots in. the ref gets bumped? Oh f*cking hell spare me this crap please. They need a ref bump in a Bo Orton match? Anyway Randy runs out, like there was any doubt, and we have a 2 on 1 beat down. The fact that everyone KNEW this shit was going to happen just makes it pointless. Why should we care about Taker when he walks into a f*cking trap when he knows it’s a trap to begin with? Bob Orton goes up top?! with a sledge to the back and gets two. Taker gets a big boot and a Tomnstone but Randy saves. Taker dumps him and gets a nasty Tombstone on Bob for the win.
WINNER – UNDERTAKER
-*** – I can’t put in works how offend I was by this total crap. So Taker kills the Ortons week after week and we are supposed to think they have a chance at No Mercy? They have NO chance and we all f*cking know it and if I buy that pay per view that match will be where I make myself some tea and paint my room because that would be more entertaining than having to sit through the torture
Run down of No Mercy card
2 on 1 Handicap Casket match
LOZ and Christy Vs MNM and Melina
JBL Vs Rey Mysterio
Batista Vs Eddie
Bobby Lashley Squash Match
This gut is built like a f*cking house. He gets a takedown. It’s like Bob Sapp, Monty Brown and Ahmed Johnson fathered a son but he could wrestle! Nice power stuff by Lashley and jobber gets some stuff in but it’s a futile attempt as Lashley fights back and gets the Dominator like move for the win. This guy is very impressive. However, Simon Dean comes out. My God they are actually giving him storylines now? Dean says he was impressed last week and he offers him a free Simon Shake and challenges him to No Mercy. Lashley stomps the shake and gets a press slam to the outside. Wow Simon Dean will get PPV time? What is this world coming too?
Peep Show time. Christian says he wants a US Title shot at No Mercy. He cuts a good “I’m pissed off at not getting a shot” interview but Booker T and his loud mouth wife interrupt. Booker is all like “I want a title shot Sucka!” Wow you’d think they had a US division or something. Orlando Boredom comes out saying HE wants the shot even though he’s lost about 20 times now. He says because he lasted 40 seconds last week he deserves a shot. Teddy comes out and says Benoit can choose later but books a triple threat in the spirit of competition
Orlando Boredom Vs Christian Vs Booker T
After a commercial break we have a brawl off. Christian gets sent outside and Booker hammers on OJ inside. Christian pulls Booker outside and the 3 fight outside. OJ eats the steps while Booker and Christian go back inside. Booker fights out of a headlock and goes for a superplex but OJ powerbombs both men down and gets two on both. Booker gets a lariat and a Spinaroonie. After a scuffle OJ pins Booker as Christian gets thrown outside.
WINNER – ORLANDO BOREDOM
* – After the match Benoit comes out and “congratulates” OJ and picks him, then he picks Christian but then picks Booker. Then he decides to pick all 3 because he’s Chris Fucking Benoit and he has balls of f*cking steel.
Backstage Teddy and Recyclus are talking and Vinnie Mac comes in to ask what the match will be next Monday. Teddy says JBL, Eddie, Rey, Benoit, Christian and Batista will be on the Raw Homecoming but he won’t reveal the match yet
WWE Tag Titles
(C) LOZ Vs Batista and Eddie Guerrero
That Papa Shango makeup Heidenreich wears is beyond stupid. Eddie gets a pretty good reaction. Eddie and Batista hug to start but Batista has a look that says “Yeah Right”
Commercial
We’re back with Eddie and Heidenreich fighting. They both tag out do it’s Animal Vs Batista. They fight over power stuff and Animal gets a big boot but Batista dodges an elbow. Eddie tags himself in but takes some shots from Heidy. Eddie begs off and kisses Heidy’s boot and then gets a low blow. Classic Eddie. LOZ get some double teaming and a Heidy side slam gets two. Heidy goes to the Cobra Clutch and tries to use his voodoo powers to no avail. Eddie ranas out of the Doomsday Device and hot tags Batista. Batista knocks everyone down and it’s Thumbs Down for Heidenreich but Animal saves. MNM hit the ring with chairs for the DQ
WINNER – NO CONTEST
¾* – MNM look to con chair tow Batista but Eddie saves. Eddie goes to hit Mercury but he ducks and he hits Batista. Eddie, ever the thinker, chucks the chair to Mercury and plays dead on the floor. Ha that’s EXCELLENT. Batista gets up and it’s Demon Buster time. Batista waffles Mercury with the chair as Eddie plays possum.
Well this sure ended the good streak Smackdown was on. Barely anything was good this week and the Undertaker stuff is really starting to piss me off as it’s long outlived it’s welcome. Move Randy onto Benoit or Batista and let Undertaker do what Hogan does and go away until he’s actually needed instead of having him on Smackdown every week with this stupid going no where feud with the Orton Family. On the bright side the women’s match was good, Bobby Lashley continues to impress and Eddie was on form this week. I’m just wondering when the turn will come because Batista knows that Eddie isn’t trustworthy but he’s not doing anything about it.
See you all next week!
