Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the Stanley LeverLock 12-foot tape measure, because it’s the first thing I saw.
I’m back after a relatively extensive hiatus, and it looks like it was a pretty eventful week in music news. Last week I was intending to write a column, but due to the combination of there being no pertinent news items and me having to deal with some issues, I took the week off.
I have a story from Prague. The first night I was there, I woke up at about 11pm, after taking a post-flight nap, and ventured out into the city to get some food and drinks. After having my first McCountry (see The Saturday Swindle Sheet #108), I went into the first bar that I came across, which, according to the sign outside, was a non-stop herna bar. I could hear Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” playing inside, so I figured that it couldn’t be all that bad. The place was no bigger than your run-of the-mill currency exchange, and had about a dozen gambling machines near the back of it (I later learned that a herna bar is a bar with gambling machines, most of which tout a jackpot outside on the sign). I sat down at the bar, ordered a beer, and watched the TV, which was playing Classic VH1 (I particularly remember “Candy Girl” by New Edition, “Upside Down” by Diana Ross, and that song by Shakespeare’s Sister that I’ve never liked). About an hour later, this older couple came stumbling out of the back, and I couldn’t tell who was more drunk, because it looked like they were holding each other up. The man bore a striking resemblance to Pope John Paul II, which made it even more amusing. The bartender, seeing that they were absolutely destroyed, sat them down at a table to cool out (of course, if this were the United States, they would have been kicked out by now for liability purposes). A few minutes later, the man got up and headed to the restroom, however, after about two steps, he fell down onto a table, knocking it and several chairs over. The woman, hearing the racket, turned around, and in doing so, she fell out of her chair, straight back, with both of her feet up in the air. Hilarity! But wait, there’s more… At this point, the bartender finally decided to escort them out. Outside, the woman got a taxi, and the man came back inside, which nobody noticed until he again fell down, this time eating SHIT… I mean, he was out for probably close to 5 minutes. Once the bartender and another man were able to get him back up, it was obvious that he had sustained a pretty nasty cut on his forehead, and was juicing like a ripe tangelo. I’m talking somewhere around 0.7-0.8 on the Muta Scale. While it probably wasn’t very funny, myself and a few other locals had a few guffaws over what had just happened, more than likely because we were drunk (I’d tried absinth for the first time that night). One of the man’s relatives came to get him, and when the bartender came back inside, he said that the man had drunk 8 vodkas and 8 beers over the course of the night. That’ll do it…
But wait, there’s more. The next night I went to metal bar called Hells Bells, and over the course of the night, I had about 7 beers and numerous shots of various shit that people were buying, which included several shots of tequila (something that I found really odd was that they take tequila shots with a slice of orange and cinnamon). After a rather successful night of drinking, I strayed into the very same herna bar as mentioned above, and ordered a beer. I noticed that one of the rubber bands from my earrings had fallen off, and in my drunken stupor, I got up off of my stool to look for it. However, upon getting off of the tool, I tripped on something and fell straight down onto the same exact table that the Pope had fallen into just 24 hours earlier. The only difference, though, was that instead of falling into the table like he did, I fell on it with all of my weight, breaking it in to pieces. Strangely enough, no one seemed to notice, and I was able to get back up, sit down, and finish my beer (by this time, I’d forgotten why I’d gotten off of my stool in the first place). A few minutes later, I realized that it was light out and I left the place. As I was exiting, the bartender came up from behind me, demanding money. I told him I’d paid my tab, and showed him a pocketful of change (probably around 150 Kc), but he said it wasn’t enough, telling me, “You break table. You pay for table.” I told him it was all the cash I had, and if he had a credit card machine inside I could charge it, but he wasn’t having that. Finally, I reached into my wallet and pulled out the only cash I had left, which was $7 American. The man took the money and let me go on my way. HA!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (SPELL-CHECK EDITION)
I used up my plugs time on my Prague story, so here’s a quick “Dramatis Personae,” sent through spell-check…
Aaron Cameron
Nathan (no spelling suggestions)
Trevor (no spelling suggestions)
DP Wield
(no spelling suggestions)
Kyle David Paul
Shawn M. Smith
And here are this week’s CD reviews, likened to my favorite items on the Taco Bell menu…
Nachos BellGrande®
Double Decker® Taco Supreme
7-Layer Burrito
Crunchy Taco
Beef and Potato Burrito
Grilled Steak Soft Taco
Beef Gordita Baja®
Spicy Chicken Burrito
Mexican Pizza
Tostada
NEWS TO USE
R&B singer D’Angelo (né Michael Eugene Archer) was injured in a roadside accident that saw him ejected from the passenger’s seat of his friend’s 2003 Fake Hummer. Archer was riding outside of Richmond, Va., with Lynne Sellers, when the vehicle veered off the road and slammed into a fence, throwing him through the windshield and right into a large birthday cake that had a stripper inside of it waiting to jump out. He was initially listed in critical condition; although his attorney later told reporters that Archer had only sustained some bruises, had no broken bones, and was walking and talking just fine. According to police he was not wearing a seat belt, and I made up the part about the birthday cake with the stripper in it.
In her memoirs, Life Is Not a Fairy Tale, which was released this past Friday, American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino admits that she is almost completely illiterate, and can only minimally read and write. According to the book, Barrino learned the lyrics for songs by listening to them over and over again, and could not read sheet music. She also admitted that she’s signed contracts before and feigned reading them in order to keep her illiteracy a secret. In a related story, Fantasia Barrino was very upset last week when a lorry filled with 450 pounds of jicama showed up at her house and dumped the contents in her driveway. Apparently, she had thought she was signing a contract for health insurance, when, in actuality, she’d gone into a supermarket and signed a contract with the produce manager. Man, that was a bad one… let me try that again… Fantasia sucks! HAHA!! She can’t read this column so she’ll never know I said that! Too mean? Okay, one more… Clay Aiken will be signing copies of Fantasia’s new book this weekend at the Best Buy at 622 Broadway in New York, and will then tour the Broadway circuit for a night of drunken gay theatrical sex.
Beanie Sigel said that he might sign with G-Unit in order to avoid picking between Jay-Z and Dame Dash. However, he added that it would have to be a “co-venture,” as he doesn’t want to work for anyone. 50 Cent responded to this by taking a dump in a stable. Wait a minute… that was actually a Shetland pony that did that, but since 50 Cent looks like a… never mind.
The man who shot and injured Grammy winner Marc Cohn in August waived a preliminary hearing on Fridayâ€â€which allowed the judge to order a trial without prosecutors having to present their caseâ€â€and will answer charges on Nov. 29. Joseph Yacteen is being charged with second-degree assault, aggravated robbery, two counts of attempted aggravated robbery, 12 counts of menacing, and two counts of first degree criminal trespassing… otherwise known as the 50 Cent Sampler.
Rapper/shitstarter Lil Jon has filed a lawsuit against Larry Flynt Productions after he claims that some footage of him and his image were used in Hustler‘s porn film, Phat Tuesday. Category 5, which shot the footage last year in New Orleans, was supposed to get permission from Lil Jon’s label, TVT Records, before using it or handing it over to Hustler, but they did not. The lawsuit is seeking $75,000 for breach of contract and other damages, and also charges false advertising and infringement of right to publicity and appropriation of name and likeness, claiming that if his likeness had been used properly with his permission, he could have earned up to $500,000. He also adds that the release of the Hustler video will steal heat from his own licensed adult video, Lil Jon & the Eastside Boyz Vivid Vegas Party, that he plans to release this year with Vivid Video. He told reporters that his name and likeness are “valuable commodities, with significant secondary meaning and goodwill attached to them,” and that his image has been “tarnished significantly by being linked improperly to Hustler and Larry Flynt.” The lawsuit estimates his minimum losses accrued from the offense at $30 million, however, although he’s been responsible for several atrocities throughout history, including the Spanish Inquisition in the 15th Century and a dead sperm whale exploding in Taiwan in 2004, this money will more than likely go towards his Shitstarter Reparations Tab.
Rapper Layzie Bone’s finger was almost bitten off by a rabid fan during an altercation at the Holiday Inn Express near Palm Springs, Calif. last Saturday. Layzie Bone was in town with his Bone Thugs companions, Krayzie Bone and Wish Bone, for a concert in Palm Springs, however, the show was canceled after the promoter was unable to obtain the proper city permit for the show. The crew made a detour to another club in the area, and later turned in to the hotel for the night. It was there that Layzie Bone, his wife, and friends invited several fans up to the their room for some drinks. It was soon thereafter that an unidentified man, part of the group invited up to the room, confronted the rapper about the canceled show, ultimately attacking Layzie Bone. As the rapper was fending off the man, he was bitten on his finger, having the skin pierced down to the bone. Before Layzie Bone was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, he told authorities that he didn’t want to press charges, and the offender was released to wreak havoc on the other fingers in the city.
In the latest catfight betwixt two untalented teenybopper divas, Good Charlotte’s Benji Madden lobbed some Y7-rated insults at American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson in his blog last weekend. The tirade was fueled after Clarkson made some joking comments to Entertainment Weekly, saying that she’d like to throw down with Hilary Duff and Beyoncé, because they’re all from Texas. Madden, however, failed to see the levity in the statement, and took his girlfriend’s name being mentioned to heart, so he wrote in the band’s blog on Saturday… “My mom told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all, so I won’t say ‘Amercian (sic) Idol’ sux, but it does make me laugh when someone like Kelly Clarkson disses someone like Hilary Duff. … ‘Cause let’s not forget Kelly (BTW-Kanye West thinks u have a nice ass, I saw him look at it one time … me, I prefer the more fit look), you were a ‘contestant’ on a TV show. Hilary made herself.” He also added that he would be “making balloon figures of Kelly Clarkson” during Hilary Duff’s birthday party at some Los Angeles club blah blah blah. When later confronted about the matter, he told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “I heard that she said some petty things about someone I care deeply about, so I just made some petty remarks ’cause I’m a petty guy. Straight up, I’m from Waldorf, Maryland, you guys. Let’s not forget that. You take shots, I take shots. I love you, Kellyâ€â€it’s all good.” Give me a f*cking break… “Straight up, I’m from Waldorf, Maryland”?!? The tough streets of Waldorf? Where the cardigan-clad street toughs pelt you with salad1 if you mouth off to them or give them hard looks? Yeah, that celery can really hurt if you get it in your eye. Hell, I’ve got Robbins, Ill., the crack capital of the Midwest, just a half mile down the road, but you don’t see me using it as an excuse to act like f*cking tosser and claim phony street cred. Seriously, I haven’t seen a pussy this big since that time when I had a one-night-stand with that mother-of-twelve.
Quick Bits
Nine Inch Nails drummer Jerome Dillon was hospitalized in Los Angeles this week for an ongoing heart condition. As a result, the band had to cancel a scheduled concert in Oakland on Friday, and is searching for a replacement for the remaining dates.
HMV record stores in Canada have removed Bob Dylan’s entire catalog from their shelves in response to being excluded from being able to sell the new CD, Live at Gaslight 1962, according to a company spokesman. The CD is being exclusively sold at Starbucks.
After being advised by her doctor to rest her voice, Gretchen Wilson has decided to take a break, rescheduling an Oct. 7 show in Huntsville, Ala., to Dec. 17, and canceling an Oct. 8 show in Perry, Ga. Her condition is not said to be serious, but, according to the singer’s spokesperson, “this is the best time for her to take a rest.”
The latest court date in the trial for Young Buck re a stabbing at last year’s Vibe Awards was postponed yet again this week, and has been tentatively rescheduled for Oct. 25.
Mariah Carey, Kenny Chesney, and Rob Thomas have all been added to the list of performers at the 2005 American Music Awards, scheduled for Nov. 22 in Los Angeles.
Whoever it is that started calling Atmosphere “emo-rap” should be beaten about the face with rusty yard tools.
After being hospitalized on Sept. 23 after an attempted suicide by overdosing on antidepressants, singer Mindy McCready has reportedly lost her home, as it was auctioned off by the city early this past week. In other news, my hair is feeling especially fluffy today for some reason.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Astralwerks…
Killing Joke – Killing Joke, What’s This For?, Revelations, HA! – Re-Masters
“They are as heavy as metal, as politically barbed as Punk, and as abusively cynical as Industrial. Their rhythms are so hypnotic and primal they can drive a dance floor, yet their songs are so full of art and intellectual politics they require attentive appreciation.” – Rolling Stone
Killing Joke were one of the first groups to meld post punk and metal, having influenced acts like System Of A Down, Metallica, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Rage Against The Machine, and Tool among others.
Now the first four Killing Joke albums, (“Killing Joke,” “What’s This For?,” “Revelations,” and “Ha!”) have been re-mastered at Abbey Road Studios, expanded to include bonus tracks (including many never-before-released) and with upgraded booklets and artwork designed by Mike Coles.
House Music Awards – Calling all house music fans!
It’s time again to get involved with the annual House Music Awards, which are held in London, England, but are based on international voting from industry peeps and fans alike. Last year over 14,000 people registered to vote and our very own Ben Watt / Buzzin’ Fly won the “Breakthrough Label Of The Year” award. This year Ben and the label are nominated for: Best Label, Most Innovative Producer, Outstanding A&R. Buzzin’ Fly’s own Justin Martin is also nominated in several key categories. HOWEVER, we have plenty of other Astralwerks-associated artists to vote for including Chemical Brothers and Royksopp for “Album Of The Year” plus nominations for Audio Bullys, Juliet, Shapeshifters (Shape:UK) and David Guetta.
Anyone can vote, all you need to do is a quick registration. All votes would be appreciated, even if you vote your preference rather than our Astralwerks suggestions. Keep House Music alive and vibrant! Voting closes on October 27th and the awards take place at the legendary Hammersmith Palais in London on November 17th. For all the details visit:
www.housemusicawards.com
From Underground Inc…
So this week we are introducing the fifth disc in our series of Pigface live bootlegs, this one with much of the missing material from the Chicago date of the “Truth Will Out” tour. Click HERE!
We also have the hardcover first edition of Curse Mackey’s new book The Rides of Passage… check out this link for more details.
Hot off the presses is the amazing “Asshole” t-shirt, available in green, dark green, or black. Click here to get yours!
Many of our bands are on tour or getting ready to head out, so please check out our tour dates for more info, and stay tuned for news on the new Pigface studio album, and on upcoming dates for Martin DJing with The Countdown.
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
New Order, “Age of Consent”
R. Kelly, “Ignition” (Rmx) [f/Twista]
U2, “With or Without You”
AC/DC, “Highway to Hell”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Dominion/Mother Russia”
Social Distortion, “So Far Away”
Breakbeat Era, “Rancid”
Animotion, “Obsession”
DJ Rap, “Tibetan Jungle”
Rival Schools, “Travel By Telephone”
Aerosmith, “Eat the Rich”
The Cure, “Play for Today”
Gin Blossoms, “Follow You Down”
Collective Soul, “Shine”
DJ Shadow, “Stem/Long Stem”
The Zombies, “Time of the Season”
Offspring, “Gotta Get Away”
Ramones, “Judy Is a Punk”
The Reverend Horton Heat, “Galaxy 500”
The B-52s, “Private Idaho”
Modest Mouse, “Float On”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Suge Knight has stated he plans to quit the music industry sometime very soon in order to become a college football coach. “I’m at a point where probably in the next couple of years I’m gonna go coach football,” he told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “It’s something I enjoy. I don’t need a paycheck for it. I just need to be allowed to beat the shit out the other teams’ mascots, because I hate f*cking Crips.”
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I know all the words to every Ol’ Bocephus song.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
1 Yes, I am aware that the Waldorf Salad actually gets its name from the Waldorf-Astoria in New York, and not the city in Maryland, but then I wouldn’t have been able to make a Waldorf Salad joke.
