In Memoriam: Leo Sternbach, Daddy of Diazepams. For the man who came up with K-Dawgs, I can do no less.
Let’s be totally honest here: every single sportswriter who was on Ozzie Guillen’s case for resting his players on Friday is an East Coast Bias Faggot. How dare he disrupt the importance of the Precious More-Important-Than-The-Second-Coming Yankers/Dead Sux Series by leaving the Indians with an opportunity to make it less relevant? After all, everyone wants to see both of those teams make the playoffs, right?
Uh, no. No one outside of New York or New England gives a f*ck about those teams. We think they’re overpaid, whiny little bitches whose consistent success has fattened their heads and made them insufferable. The thing we’d love to see most is for both of them to miss the playoffs; however, that’s not possible this year. Most people here in the Flyover Zone want to see the Indians get the Wild Card, if only for the opportunity to see them crush the piss out of the Yankers or Dead Sux in the ALDS, while my Sox take care of business against the Angels. Then, of course, it’s Sox/Indians for the AL, and considering what a number the Sox have done on the Indians so far this year, it leads to a story that even East Coast Bias Faggots can’t resist: a team that hasn’t been to the World Series since 1959 is in. A team that hasn’t won the World Series since 1917 is in. Come on, cocksuckers, you can make something of that, can’t you? Here’s some help for all of you East Coast Bias Faggots:
Get off the plane at O’Hare. Catch the Blue Line at O’Hare. When you get downtown, transfer to the Red Line. Get on the Red Line going south, not north. Taking it north will take you to the ballpark where baseball will not be played in October. Get off the Red Line at 35th Street. US Cellular Field will be directly to your right.
And here’s a few hints about the Sox for your benefit, since you haven’t been paying attention to them at any point in the season:
1) They won the AL Central. Yes, there are divisions other than the AL East.
2) They have the best record in the American League, which means home field advantage throughout the playoffs. So you’ll be spending a lot of time in US Cellular Field trying to do your jobs. Good luck trying to get something to eat around there, though. Being a scion of two people who grew up in Bridgeport, I know where to go for amenities, but I’m not f*cking tell any of you.
3) Until the Cardinals won on Saturday against some minor-league team, they still had the chance to get the best record in baseball this season. Shocked, are we?
So, f*ck you, East Coast Bias Faggots. And have a great time choking on the “indigity” of a Chicago team in the World Series for the first time since the Eisenhower Administration. Now that you won’t be able to write about the Dead Sux and Yankers, and now that the Padres have clinched at least .500, it’s the only thing you have left to do.
And, oh, how professional are they? Here’s a header from espn.com: “Sosa denies fued with Tejada”. I expect you retarded wrestling fans to make that mistake (and judging by my mails and even by some of the columnists on this site, it’s a far more common mistake than I desire to see), but not those who work at a major sports website. So there.
Well, I’m glad I got that out of my system. I only have a limited capacity for bile, and I am going to need all of it to deal with Smackdown, I’m afraid. And I had such a good feeling earlier this week knowing that Tom DeLay is going to go to the pokey. Regrettably, it won’t be f*ck-me-up-the-ass prison, but it’s still satisfying to see one of the Junta’s most important sycophants in severe trouble with the Law. And the Law will be a focus, what with the First Monday In October happening this upcoming week and the “Under New Management” sign unfurled outside the Supreme Court. And there’s still the question of what other characters the US Army will be borrowing from Marvel to use for operational names…
…oh, screw it. Let’s just get on with it…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
High-Quality Speaker Boy and FudgePacker over Rey-Rey and Bob Holly (Pinfall, High-Quality Speaker Boy pins Holly, Clothesline From Hell): Oh, what a mess this one was. If it wasn’t Rey-Rey playing rag-doll, they didn’t know what to do in there. And, of course, they had to book this so that Rey-Rey wasn’t involved in the pinfall, thus leaving some mystery concerning the PPV match next weekend. I will note this, though: if FudgePacker wasn’t getting the push that he is right now, a feud with Bob Holly would be terrific for both of them. Too bad they’d never pull the trigger on it, because Holly’s “too low on the ladder” for FudgePacker right now.
This might have been more offensive than the match
Normally, they save this kind of stuff for the locker room
Melina over Christy Hemme (Pinfall, Nitro-ference): Oh, God, I’m going to need to watch the Trish/Victoria match from Raw to get the taste of this one out of my mouth. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll gargle with drain cleaner.
And look who’s reffing the match. Surprise!
The Undertaker over Bob Orton (Pinfall, Tombstone piledriver): This would have been a lot more fun had Cowboy Bob come out wearing the cast.
It isn’t every day you get to no-sell a Hall of Famer
Hasn’t the Hebner family been through enough?
Bobby Lashley over Russell Simpson (Pinfall, same move as last week; no name yet, but you just know it’s going to be called the “Backlash”): Fine, get him over by feeding jobbers to him. But, you have got to admit this, having your first feud (not to mention your first PPV match) with Simon Dean is not a positive development.
“No, I’m not your bitch! I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!”
Orlando Jordan over Booker T and Christian, Triple Threat Match (Pinfall, Jordan pins Booker, rollup): Totally formulaic. We’ve seen this match done so many times before it’s hard to come up with any sort of enthusiasm for it. Okay, the ending was an interesting spot, I have to admit, but, still, it’s the same old Triple Threat formula. Nothing special to note except the fact that Jordan didn’t embarass himself for once.
A new disturbing trend: black-on-bitch violence
Here’s a preview of what Christian gets to do to Matt Hardy starting in a couple weeks
Like we haven’t seen this spot in every other Triple Threat Match
The Legion Of Dumb over DAVE and Eddy Guerrero, Tag Title Match (DQ, MNM-ference): This match descended into brand new levels of idiocy. First there’s the very concept of the match, something I feel I need not explain to you. Then there’s MNM interfering and providing the stupid non-ending. And everything between was of mind-bending awfulness. Yeah, like this is a great way to end a show or something. I’m hoping Impact is great this week, because TNA deserves to blow this shit out of the water.
Eddy Guerrero, Latino Jesus himself, former world champion, has to sell for Heidenreich. Can there be anything more devastating to one’s ego?
Yes, there is: being the current world champion and having to sell for the booker’s brother
Angle Developments:
Facing Facts: Uh, folks, High-Quality Speaker Boy was shooting on the subject of illegal immigrants. And he was right. Including the part about the donkey’s ass. The liveried burro and the bottle of tequilla were great touches, I have to admit. They made the whole image. And think about this, FudgePacker: you and Chimel bear a great deal of resemblance to each other. Someone could mistake you for a jackass…wait, they already do.
You really think he regrets not finding a Nazi armband to wear when he was over in Germany?
FudgePacker proceeds to insult a burro by comparing it to Tony Chimel…
…and Chimel, as usual, can’t figure it out.
The brain trust discusses the merits of eating spicy food before a match
The Old Fallback: So it’s a Fatal Four-Way at No Mercy for the US title. More like Fatal Futility. There’s no way they’re going to take the belt off of Our Lord and Savior this soon. However, so far, it’s Match of the Night on paper considering the Eight Shades Of Ugly that they’ve set up (and, yes, this includes Batista/Eddy). At least the US title will be defended, unlike the tag titles.
The group tries to come up with a cunning plan to all get camera time at No Mercy
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
A. J. Styles over Roderick Strong (Pinfall, Styles Clash): Okay, it’s f*ckin’ A. J., so you’d obviously expect me to roll over and die praising him and basking in his reflected glory and fellating Ross and Iain for putting him at #1 this year…well, normally, I would. However, I have problems with this match. I know what TNA wanted out of this. They wanted A. J. to look like a world-beater, so they turned this into a glorified squash. The only time Strong got any offense in was when Daniels came to ringside. There’s my problem. Wouldn’t A. J. look better if his opponent looked stronger? Those of us who have been watching have seen Strong turn in some great performances in the past (like against Aries recently). Those people who watch ROH (myself not among them) know about Strong’s abilities. Yet he was made to look weak here. Those people who are new to the audience courtesy of Spike don’t know this, so they automatically think he’s Joe Jobber, someone who doesn’t deserve to share the same planet with A. J. Didn’t TNA promise to make Strong look better when they cut that new part-time deal with him recently? Is this what they meant by that? Yes, pimp A. J. all you want (and, please, do so, so that everyone else can figure out why we in the IWC go apeshit over him). But don’t f*ck up Roderick Strong in the process. He doesn’t deserve that.
The strongest first image you could ever imagine TNA coming up with
A. J. takes the new network out for a spin
An A. J. Styles dropkick is too beautiful for mere words
Monty Brown over Lex Lovett (Pinfall, Pounce): TNA has to know that if they start attracting an audience that only knows WWE, Monty Brown is their best chance of getting someone (new, so to speak) over who can appeal to that crowd. It’s matches like this that can do it. Now I know I’m contradicting myself here, but here’s a case where I find a squash acceptable. For Brown, squashes work in order to cement his basic appeal. We found that out when TNA had started pushing him. Now all they need to do is repeat that for the “new” audience, and he’s in. So, keep going ahead with this. We all want this new audience to discover Monty the way we have.
TNA should market Lex Lovett rag dolls
Chris Sabin over Alex Shelley and Petey Williams, X Division Showcase Match (Pinfall, Sabin pins Shelley, Cradle Shock): Okay, I’ll admit this: I watched this one “live” (mostly because I looked at my clock and realized the show was on, so why not?), and, damn, did I want to watch it again. After seeing that cliched Triple Threat on Smackdown, I needed this to reinforce my belief that someone, somewhere, knows how to do a three-way. I think that the ending surprised everyone. We all thought that Williams would nail the Destroyer for the pin, mostly because it’s the showiest move in the X Division, and it’s something that TNA would want to show off. Having it hit in the apres seemed like an afterthought. However, the match did strengthen Sabin going into Bound For Glory as someone to be reckoned with, so no complaints. Besides, this thing was outright fun.
Shelley courteously gets out of the way so that Sabin can nail Williams on the outside
Do you know how gay this would look if we didn’t know it was an X Division match?
Uh, Chris, A. J. already did the “hit your legs on the guardrail while flying” spot tonight
Anybody who executes a perfect brainbuster like Alex Shelley deserves to be pimped
Rhiyno versus Jeffykins (ND, Abyss-ference): Here’s how much I hate Jeffykins: I like Rhiyno. I like Abyss. Sabu is pretty much beyond criticism when you’re dealing with a concept like Monster’s Ball. But since Jeffykins is involved, it’s FF time during Bound For Glory. Three guys who know how to make a violent match into poetry, and all ruined because that little f*ck is in there. Screw them.
It wasn’t the impact of the kick that caused that expression, it was the realization that he had to sell for Jeffykins
Angle Developments:
Overblown: You know me; whenever the hype starts, I tune out. However, given the circumstances, I th
ink it was right for TNA to turn up the hype meter in the show introduction. After all, these are unique circumstances. However, they went a bit overboard. The Naturals “sparking a renaissance in tag team wrestling”? Among all three teams in TNA (okay, four now with the ex-Dudleys)? And Jarrett being “a world champion everywhere he’s been”? Must have missed that WWF title reign. But, still, you can’t fault them for the hard sell. I’ll give them a break here.
Credits Where Credits Are Due: A lot of people like the new opening credits. I don’t. Way too Nineties for me. Background’s too busy (compare these to the Smackdown opening credits to show how to do wrestler montages correctly). Some of the foreground quick cuts are downright silly. They tried to fit too much into the sequence. Raw and Smackdown can get away with it because their credits are longer. A rethink should be in order.
Wait a minute, is Don West wearing a normal shirt?
The Groucho Marx’s Stateroom Principle Of Run-Ins: Goddamn, was that overdoing it in the closing promo or what? Jarrett comes out with AMW. They’re joined by D’Amoron. Then 3 Live Kru show up, and we have to withstand the mind-f*ck of Konnan cutting a promo. Then it’s Team Canada’s turn. I’ll sorta forgive that one since D’Amoron was already in there and there’s a 3LK/Team Canada match on tap for next week. Then it’s the ex-Dudleys. Then Kevin Nash. That’s way past the point of overload, people. I’ve seen more subtlety in regard to getting attention from retarded children. Hell, I’ve seen more subtlety from WWE “creative”. Yeah, we get the point. Jarrett/Nash at Bound For Glory. AMW/ex-Dudleys at Bound For Glory. Of course, this doesn’t excuse us from being stuck with another Naturals/Team Canada match for the tag titles there. Sad in its own way.
“Do my booking plans please you, My Lord and Master, whose feet I am not worthy to smell?”
Actually, I have to admit that it’s nice to see them back
And that closes that. Enjoy everything here and whatever else you plan on doing. I’ll be in for a Special Round Table sometime today or tomorrow morning, and back on Tuesday for the usual. Toodles.
