It’s Monday, it’s early, and that means it’s time to run down all of Sunday’s NFL Action! So in the spirit of giving you the need to knows hard and fast, let’s get down to it.
(2-2) SAINTS 19, (1-3) BILLS 7
Whatsamatta You?
Bills coach Mike Mullarkey pulled JP Losman in the fourth quarter of another miserable performance, but he steadfastly refuses to throw his sinking team a life preserver in the form of replacing the struggling sophomore with veteran Kelly Holcomb. “J.P.’s the starter, and I’m going with J.P.,” Mularkey said. “I think everyone understands that.”
How About?
59,000 San Antonians showing up to enthusiastically support the Saints?
Making Some New Amigos
(3-1) GIANTS 44, (2-2) RAMS 24
Whatsamatta You?
The Rams couldn’t get any semblance of a running game going against a team that gave up 268 yards rushing the week before. Stephen Jackson had 17 yards on 10 carries.
How About?
The GIANTS having a big time QB/receiver connection? Plaxico Burress had 204 yards receiving and 2 TD’s, while Eli Manning was 19 of 35 for 296 yards, 4 TDs and no INTs. They are making Giant fans forget the fabled Dave Brown to Chris Calloway connection.
(2-2) CHARGERS 41, (2-2) PATRIOTS 17
Whatsamatta You?
It’s starting to become more than a trend, the Patriots don’t have a running game right now. Corey Dillon keeps churning out those 60 yard rushing games, and that’s not gonna get it done.
How About?
LaDanian Tomlinson has found his groove. After not getting over 100 yards rushing in the first two weeks of the season, he followed up last week’s 192 yard effort with 134 yards yesterday. The Chargers are the first team to come out of Foxboro with a win since 2002. Mad props to ESPN’s Steve Young for picking the Chargers in this game on NFL Countdown. That’s BALLS baybee.
(3-1) BRONCOS 20, (2-2) JAGUARS 7
Whatsamatta You?
The Jags rushed for a grand total of 12 yards. Fred Taylor was limited to 14 yards on 8 carries. The Jags were -89 in penalty yardage.
How About?
2 TD receptions for good old #77, Broncos tackle Dwayne Carswell??? Carswell is a converted tight end.
The Last Dwayne Carswell Photo You’ll Ever See
(4-0) BENGALS 16, (0-3) TEXANS 10
Whatsamatta You?
David Carr was sacked 7 times in this game. How much of that is the O line’s fault, and how much is his? It’s been a problem for him throughout his career. While getting sacked 7 times in a game is a common occurrence for me when I play Madden 06, it doesn’t happen that often in real life.
How About?
Both starting center Rich Braham and backup Larry Moore went down with injuries in the second quarter. Bengals guard Eric Steinbach moved to center and played there the rest of the game. He had never played center in a competitive game before in his life.
(3-0) REDSKINS 20, (2-2) SEAHAWKS 17 OT
Whatsamatta You?
Seahawks kicker Josh Brown missed two makeable field goals, including one that clanged off the goalpost as time expired in regulation. “Honestly, the kick was perfect,” Brown said. “I hit a great ball and unfortunately the upright got right in the way.” Uh, you missed the game winning kick dude, that’s not perfect.
How About?
The continued resurrection of Mark Brunell’s career? The 35 year old who was left for dead after a terrible season last year was 20 of 36 for 226 yards and 2 TDs. He’s been one of the biggest reasons for the Redskins’ turnaround. Another is disciplined play, the Redskins were flagged for only 2 penalties the whole game.
(4-0) COLTS 31, (1-3) TITANS 10
Whatsammata You?
Norm Chow’s offense isn’t translating to the NFL. The Titans have played 4 games and have yet to have a receiver have a 100 yard game. The running attack has been even more anemic. Yesterday Chris Brown averaged 3.1 yards on 10 carries.
How About?
Peyton Manning finally breaking out of da funk. He stopped cheering on the butcher long enough to complete 20 of 27, 4 of which were TDs. Also, Jarrett Payton, Walter’s son, was active for the first time. He was impressive, carrying 4 times for 37 yards.
Everybody Wayne Chung Tonight
(4-0) BUCS 17, (1-2) LIONS 13
Whatsammata You?
To the surprise of nobody, the Cadillac has wound up in the shop. He carried 11 times for 13 yards, and was held out of the second half in favor of Michael Pittman. Jon Gruden’s done a great job getting the Bucs to 4-0, but what he had done to this rookie in his gross overuse of him is wrong.
How About?
166 receiving yards for Joey Galloway, and Pittman coming off the bench to catch 6 passes for 96 yards?
(1-2) RAVENS 13, (1-3) JETS 3
Whatsammata You?
With Brooks Bollinger at QB, the Jets needed a big game out of Curtis Martin and their running game. As has been the case all season, the running game was bad. Curtis Martin rushed for 30 yards on 13 carries.
How About?
Jets LB Jonathan Vilma making 16 tackles? That’s a lot, especially for a linebacker. He’s Ray Lewis without all the hype, bravado, and murder indictments.
(1-3) RAIDERS 19, (2-2) COWBOYS 13
Whatsammata You?
Thank God the Raiders won this game. Now we won’t have to hear, “The Raiders are the best 0-3 team I’ve ever seen, blah blah blah blah my big black foot in yo ass” anymore, as we’ve been hearing for the past month.
How About?
Lamont Jordan putting down the Ding Dongs long enough to carry 26 times for 126 yards?
(3-1) FALCONS 30, (1-3) VIKINGS 10
Whatsammata You?
The 1-3 Vikings are still very much in the drivers’ seat in the NFC North. Michael Vick left the game with a sprained knee, but he says he is OK and won’t miss any time.
How About?
The Falcons sacking Daunte Culpepper NINE times???
Cheer Up, I Know You’re 1-3, But You’ve Practically Clinched A Playoff Spot
(3-1) EAGLES 37, (2-2) CHIEFS 31
Whatsammata You?
Tony Gonzalez- 2 catches, 5 yards. Brian Westbrook 9 carries, 15 yards. What do these 2 have in common besides having a shitty day yesterday? They’re on my fantasy team.
How About?
T.O. going Yay-Yo? 11 catches, 171 yards, and a touchdown. That should sooth the pain of DMac’s sports hyena.
(1-3) CARDINALS 31, (1-3) 49ERS 14
Whatsammata You?
The Sunday Night Handjob team of Paul Maguire, Joe Thiesmann, and Mike Patrick milking the prostate of Marcel Shipp, seconds before he has a fumble run back for a touchdown.
Maguire: “I don’t know how you don’t get this guy on the field more.”
3 seconds later
Shipp (fumble, run back for TD)
Maguire “—-“
How About?
Josh McCown completing 32 of 46 for 385 yards and 2 TDs? Neil Rackers making 6 out of 6 field goal attempts? Viva Los Cardinales!!
Futbol! Americano!
ARE YOU READY SOME FOOOBALL??? MONDAY NIGHT
(0-3) GREEN BAY PACKERS AT (1-2) CAROLINA PANTHERS
The Storyline
So far, it’s been a miserable season for both of these teams. They were both expected to be in playoff contention, but both teams have stumbled out of the gate and find themselves in a must win situation tonight.
Key Questions
What is the nutsiest trade rumor you’ve ever heard?
There was a actually a rumor last week that Brett Favre could be traded to the Jets. With a fertile imagination and a can of paint thinner, anything is possible.
What should we be ready for tonight?
A restaurant-quality fellating of Brett Favre. If the Packers don’t right the ship fast, Aaron Rodgers is going to get his chance to start. That means this very well could be the last time Brett Favre plays on Monday night football, so Al Michaels and John Madden better stock up on Chap Stick before this game.
What’s wrong with the Panthers?
Just all around inconsistency. Every week it’s something different with this team. One week, they can’t run the ball, the next week, they can’t stop the run. Jake Delhomme looks like an All Pro one week and a schmo the next. There hasn’t been a single game this year where they’ve clicked on all cylinders, and you never know what to expect out of this team from one week to the next.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
These teams met on Monday Night, in Carolina, just over a year ago. The Panthers were defending NFC Champions coming into that game, but the Packers took the wind out of their sails with a 24-14 victory. Panthers wideout Steve Smith broke his leg in that game, and the Panthers were sent into a tailspin that saw them lose 7 out of their first 8 games.
The Pack used a simple formula to win that game, run the football, and stop the run. Carolina could only muster 38 yards rushing in the game, while the Packers ran for 152 yards. Most of those yards came from Ahman Green, who hasn’t rushed for over 60 yards in a game this year. Part of that could be due to the Packers losing Mike Wahle and Marco Rivera, two mainstays of their offensive line, but a big part of that is due to the erosion of Green’s skills. Carolina’s run defense looked awful against Miami last week though, and if it continues this week, the Packers will be able to run the ball effectively and win the game.
Dating back to 2003, the Packers are 11-13 against teams outside of the NFC North, and 9-2 within their own division in that same time. So clearly they are a team that makes its living fattening up on its own division. For that reason, I wouldn’t put the tag on their toes just yet even if they do start 0-4, especially with the Bears in first place in the division at 1-2. But for that same reason I also think the Panthers will come away with the victory tonight.
PANTHERS 24, PACKERS 20
Monday Night Fellatio for Favre, Courtesy of A. Michaels and J. Madden
That’s it until Friday! Have a great week, and we’ll see you back to preview Week Five.
