3 Hours!?!? I HAVE TO TYPE FOR 3 FRIGGING HOURS?!?!?!
Fine.
I guess it’s a special event.
I’ll type for four!
WELCOME TO:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
H O M E C O M I N G
R A B B L E ! !
Joining us is:
‘The Unstoppable Force’ – Eric
‘The Immovable Object’ – Hernandez
‘The Heartbreak Kid’ – Jenna
‘Mrs. Foley’s Baby Boy’ – Chris
‘The Immortal’ – Michael
‘The Animal!’ – Dani
‘The Corporate Champion’ – Me
The first 5 minutes is a nice retrospective of Raw with some great old shots. Damien Demento, DX, Ho Trains, Foley, Mark Henry, Choppy Choppy Pee Pee, Mark Mero, Blood Bath, Head, Golddust, Chyna, The Rock, and I gotta say.. that gave me a chill.
Okay… so now it’s time. They give us a new opening.. a quick old Titan Video style bit with a new catchphrase ‘WWE, The Power is Back’. Sure why not. New titantron and set… and that’s awesome… and here comes Mick Foley… and he is in fact… awesome!
Mrs. Foley’s little boy has come back home!
He introduces his host, Rowdy Roddy! Good god I’m already creaming. As a note, they gave the Hall of Famers a little icon next to their name that looks like the original WWF logo, minus the ‘F’ of course.
Piper comes on down, and he looks like he lost some weight.. he explains that Foley is in fact completely nuts.
“25 steel cages..”
“Falling on thumb-ticks”
“When, is Mick Foley.. coming back to the WWE?”
All of these various comments from a very jumbled Piper.
Well, Foley would need a good reason to do it. Rowdy gives him 12,000 good reasons – as the room chants Foley.. here comes Orton!?
“Dave-Light.” – Dani
Orton comes out because he can do whatever he wants, as he is, in fact, Randy Orton. He’s not here to see Foley though. He is here to see Piper. Piper tries to talk, but then Orton interrupts him and says that he’s not allowed to talk right now. Piper stole the spotlight from his father. Piper got MTV spots, and fame, and movies… Orton Sr. got nothing…
So Piper decks him.
After Orton and Foley break up the fight… Orton Sr. floors Foley!? Orton RKOs Piper. Orton RKOs Foley. We get a match maybe tonight? Maybe at the Survivor Series.
Before we go to commercial we get a reminder of the HBK/Angle rivalry.
“Yeah I totally forgot..” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
In the back Bischoff confronts Teddy Long – he is apparently stressed.
Hey! It’s Kurt Angle!!!!!
“Red Fish
Blue Fish
1 Fish
2 Fish
Black Fish
Blue Fish
Old Fish
New Fish” – Eric (who brought the book!)
The match starts!
HBK leaps in and they roll around the ring together. A few chops bring Angle right to the corner. A bodyslam and a 2 count from HBK.
Chops from HBK, neckbreaker, and a 2 count. Shawn tosses Kurt over the top rope and begins chopping once again, climbs to the top turnbuckle and drops the arm on him.. but Kurt finally goes fist to fist, and a belly to back gets a two count from Kurt.
Angle bodyslams Michaels for another two. Finally the first hold spot with a chinlock. Shawn fights to his knees, his feet – and thheeeenn…
“Drop!” – Hernandez
Jawbreaker. Angle sends HBK to the ropes, but Shawn drops him face to the mat. Shawn stands at the ropes, Angle charges and Shawn TOSSES HIM HARD! Kurt goes ass over head to the outside. Shawn tries to capitalize with a baseball slide, but Angle catches him and Angle Slams!
Commerrr… NO!? Kurt brings him in the ring and they collapse on each other. Angle gets to his feet first and starts clubbing Shawn hard! Powerbomb from Angle into the corner for 2! He brings Shawn up to the top of the turnbuckle, but Shawn fights out of it!!!
ANGLE RUNS UP! ANGLESLAM OFF THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! And THAT is our first pinfall.
KURT ANGLE: 1
SHAWN MICHAELS: 0
COMMERCIAL
As you will notice, there wasn’t that much commentary, but that was because Eric was relaying a story that the gentleman at Best Buy, who was selling him his Hardcore Homecoming and History of Undertaker DVDs commented that he was going to miss the first hour of Raw. Eric, being a good lil pimp, said he should read the Rabble.. he said he does. This is a hello to the guy who works at the Bridgewater Best Buy.
We come back at 17:45 as Kurt has him in a chinlock. Shawn gets to his feet and pushes back to the corner, trying to break the hold. He does so, and follows it with a couple of elbows. He tosses Angle into the corner, charges but nobody is there. Angle capitalizes with a HUGE german suplex. Two count only.
Snap supex gets two as well. Now Michaels gets a couple punches in, he goes to toss Angle – reversed – and HBK gets slammed HARD into the corner. Angleslam.. reversed into a sunset flip.. reversed into the Ankle Lock. Reversed into an inside sunset flip!
KURT ANGLE: 1
SHAWN MICHAELS: 1
“Why is Lillian telling us? Is it for the people in the audience, they are giving us the numbers on the screen?” – Eric
Kurt is pissed, he tosses HBK outside at 14:00. He throws him into the stairs, rolls him in for 2. Kurt then puts the body scissors on HBK, rubbing his forearm against Michaels. He brings Angle to his feet… goes for a suplex, is blocked by Michaels. Shawn lands it, but Angle lands on his feet – pushes into Michaels and it’s time for ANOTHER ANKLE LOCK!
Shawn rolls him out of it, but Kurt gets it again! Right in the center, Kurt drops and holds on tight! Right in the center….
SHAWN TAPS!
KURT ANGLE: 2
SHAWN MICHAELS: 1
“Hey, is that a DX sign in the audience?” – Eric
“It should be.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring, Angle has Shawn in a modified Ankle lock – but Shawn kicks out of it fairly quickly. (7:00) Shawn is no selling the hell out of that ankle though. He gets some big fists on Kurt, but Kurt drops down hard and locks up Shawn. Shawn grabs him and tries to fight out of it… and gets it.
They get to their feet and Shawn fights up. He tosses Angle to the ropes… FLYING FOREARM! Shawn does the nip up and NOW sells the ankle. He gets the atomic drop. He slooowly climbs up the ropes. HE HITS THE ELBOW. Here it comes……
J – E… AND HE HITS ANGLE!
KURT ANGLE: 2
SHAWN MICHAELS: 2
4:30… Angle bails to the outside, and Shawn follows suit. They roll back in, and he tosses Shawn into the corner – Angle Slam for 2!
“If this was a Smackdown game, we’d be getting fall after fall at this point!” – Me
“SUBMISSION.. Snap. SUBMISSION.. Snap.” – Eric
Angle goes for another Angleslam, Shawn reverses it, and drops both of them.
“Shawn paying attention to the clock. Or at least checking to see if Earl Hebner is his referee” – Hernandez
Shawn rolls over onto Kurt for 2. Shawn gets to the corner, and Kurt charges him. BOOT! Shawn climbs.. MOONSAULT! KURT CATCHES HIM!!!! Rolls him up.. Ankle Lock! 1:00 on the clock when Angle drops.
“EARRRRRRLLLL…. VINNNNCE HELP!” – Hernandez
“Jeeeesus… Jeeesuss….” – Roommate Randy
They roll around the ring as Shawn tries to break it. 30 seconds.
Shawn kicks Kurt square in the face at :20.
At 10 seconds Kurt charges. SUPERKICK! 1… 2… NO! THE BELL RANG!
WINNER: DRAW!
Dani is livid at this. Shawn grabs a microphone though, and he wants this to go to Sudden Death. The crowd pops, but Kurt walks… Kurt walks.. that NEVER happens!
“Aww he’s hugging Koko B Ware! Is Frankie stuffed?!? OH MY GOD HE IS!!!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
Lillian in the ring – who gives a hello to Kevin Von Erich.. the only one left who is sitting front row.
“He then kills himself..” – Eric
Vinnie Mac in the background talking to Bischoff, who asks for his match to be a No DQ match. Vince gives him a firm.. No. Bischoff then gets in Vinnie’s face and says that the only reason that he was hired was so that Vinny could make fun of him week after week and says, “The Self Destruction of Eric Bischoff” DVD.
“That is an awesome idea!” – Me
Bischoff then calls him sick. Vince says that nobody knows how twisted, sick, and perverted he is…
“Except his dentist.” – Chris
Lillian then introduces Vince as the maker of all things wrestling, Hogan, the Rock, Stone Cold, the suave, sexy, well endowed.
“THE GENETIC JACKHAMMER! Your father and mine!” – Hernandez
“I like his strut” – Dani
“It’s like he’s got golfballs shoved in his shorts” – Chris
Here comes Vinnie Mac! He mentions the night that he beat Stone Cold in 1998.. the crowd of course chants for Austin.
“Damnit..” – Dani
“Here he comes.. the summoning.” – Hernandez
Vince is now going to show us his favorite moment on Raw. As he pins Stone Cold.
“SHAAAAANE!” – Dani
Vince has got another moment. That time that he got Austin arrested… but instead of seeing the clip… we get Austin. Austin looks good too, light in the arms, but that belly is gone.
“Part of his probation, he can’t build up his arms for slappin” – Chris
Vince then goes for the cheap pop by getting people to cheer for Austin. Austin grabs a microphone and says that he is fairly sure that Vince didn’t have any other moments but the times he embarrassed Stone Cold. He comments that it seems Vince seems nervous. Rattled. Shaken. WHAT?
“Uh-huhhh” – Chris
“Yeaaahhhhh” – Me
Austin wants to show HIS favorite moment from Raw… where Austin beat him in the hospital.
“YES! THE BEDPAN!” – Hernandez
Austin wants to show more footage, and it’s when he kidnapped him with the ‘Bang 3:16’ gun. Because urine is funny. Austin does have ONE more piece of footage, which is of course – the beer truck.
“The Corporate Champion..” – Hernandez
“Shane!” – Dani
“I call Shenanigans” – Me
Vince now wants to let bygones be bygones. It’s homecoming. It’s a new era. Vince then says he’s gotta go. Austin though, wants to stun him for one last time. So he does.
“The magic beers are back” – Hernandez
“Aww, it’s my favorite power.” – Chris
HERE COMES THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!HERE COMES THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Dani you called it!” – Eric
“I am so happy right now.” – Dani
Shane comes on down! He comes in the ring! He gets stunned.
“I’m going back to my computer.” – Dani
More magic beer… and of course.. here comes Stephanie!
“Her new haircolor screams.. hit me.” – Dani
Stephanie asks who the hell Austin thinks he is. This is the McMahon’s show.
“This is Planet McMahon” – Hernandez
Austin then says he’s going to ask a few questions. She looks lovely tonight, what fragrance are you wearing. Stephanie grabs onto his wrist, which he interprets as her flirting with him.
“This is so uncomfortable.” – Dani
“Is that you Debi?” – Chris
Stephanie slaps him. He stuns her.
“Cue Linda” – Jenna
AND YES! Here comes Linda!!?!? Oh good god… this is just hysterical. She’s got a mic though.
“She’s gonna say thank you Steve.” – Chris
Linda wants to know, as well, what is Steve doing? It took 2 years to get the family back together, and Stone Cold has never changed.
“My husband… Vince McMahon” – Linda
“He’s a piece of trash..” – Stone Cold
“Well.. yeah..” – Linda
Okay, that was funny. Austin is starting to slur, which means Linda is going to get beaten for real. Linda seems to think that Steve owes the McMahon’s an apology. Austin doesn’t seem to understand why, as he was just doing his job. He apologizes. Then.. turns Linda around and half the crowd chants ‘NO!’
He asks Linda for a kiss on the cheek.
“Creepy” – Chris
Linda leans in for it, but Austin pulls back.
“BARK LIKE A DOG!” – Hernandez
“Her eyes got bigger… or her skull is receding.” – Me
Austin then asks whether he can give her a stunner… or a kiss… but instead gives her a beer… and then a second… AND THEN FINALLY THE STUN….
“We should have watched UFC” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
Soooo, they gave the runover to UFC to Austin, which is a smart idea in theory, but in practice – they should have given it to the 30 minute iron man. Ah well…
We come back to Vince getting dragged to the limo, and Todd tries to talk to him. Vince declares somebody is getting fired over this.
In the ring though, the ladder is set-up. Here comes Edge.
“What is she wearing?” – Dani
“Not much.” – Me
“Nothing wrong with that.” – Jenna
So as Matt is coming up, Edge charges him from the key.. Edge charges to the ring and to the ladder. Matt stops him, runs up the ladder, but is stopped by Edge. Matt hits the Side Effect, then sets the ladder upside down, and wedges Edge in the middle of it! He rides it down. –Ouch…
Matt sets the ladder in the corner, and tosses Edge into it. He charges, but Edge moves and drops Matt onto it. Now Edge sets the ladder on the second turnbuckle, and suplexes Matt right onto it. Edge sets the ladder and begins the climb again, but Matt is on his way. He grabs Edge’s leg, and Edge turns around to double ax him.
Edge tosses him to the ropes, and picks him up for a knee lift. Matt grabs the ladder, and tries to climb, but Edge throws him to the ring. Edge picks him up to hit him, countered by Matt – Twist of Fate – reversed and sends Matt right into the ladder face first.
Edge sets a second ladder in the second ring. Edge goes to climb it, but Matt grabs Edge and tosses him to the corner, grabs the ladder and rams Edge with it. Matt fights with a suplex on Edge, the loser going on the ladder. Edge blocks. Matt blocks. Edge gets a front suplex though, and Matt lands belly first. Edge now hits the ladder, climbing up.. but Matt climbs up the other side.
They punch, and Matt throws Edge off the ladder, landing headfirst onto the corner-set ladder – Edge bounces
We come back and we have shaky cam action, with a table out there.. and Edge gets tossed to the audience. Matt sets up the ladder outside – he does a flying leap to Edge in the audience. As Matt is going to climb back in the ring, Lita goes for a sleeper – but eats a snapmare.
Matt grabs her, and is going for the powerbomb, but eats a kendo stick to the back. Edge then climbs up to the top turnbuckle and leaps on Matt who is conveniently on a that table. CRACK!
In the ring, there are two ladders set up. When did that happen? So the ladder race begins… Matt grabs Edge, TWIST OF FATE OFF THE LADDER! Edge is dead.
“Like… really dead…” – Chris
Matt climbs the ladder, and just as he’s going Lita hits him again with the kendo stick. He comes back down and throws her out to the corner. He climbs up. Lita moves the ladder as Matt is hanging from the briefcase – Edge runs in and pulls him down. He ties him up in the ropes, and sets up the ladder. Lita leaps him and locks him in the ropes.. Edge climbs it.. and wins it.
WINNER: EDGE!
We then discuss why would Vince bring Matt back only to crush him. I honestly seem to think it was so he didn’t have to hear people chanting the guy’s damn name. Dani wants to know why Matt did it.. my answer.. money.
COMMERCIAL – Meat.. on top of meat… on top of meat…
In the back, Hardy is being carted off with the cops.
“Where’s Teddy?” – Eric
Nope.. just over to Trish and Ashley.
“Breast-tacular!” – Chris
Mae Young then appears…. but then in the backstage is Ted DiBiase, Snuka, and Hacksaw! Moolah finally gets her to leave, but Snuka wants a piece.. sure, why not. Nice to see Million Dollar Man.
So Boobage is in the back wearing a ‘Homecoming Queen’ dress. I love Boobage… Flair comes out and bibbles.
“His fingers are taped – he’s gonna bleed like a mofo!” – Eric
COMMERCIAL
CARLITO & MASTERS vs. FLAIR & HHH
Expect 30 minutes of intros…
I just realized that Trips is being booked as the face in this match… not exactly ok with that. Very not ok with that really.
“Is this the Master Program? I remember when he was a chess program..” – Michael
…hey… Triple H is back… so… should I cheer? Should I boo? Oh I don’t know.
“Captain Badly Lit!” – Michael
“Captain Lovehandles!” – Hernandez
“Mr. Drippy!” – Michael
“Jean Paul Letchaselfgo’abit” – Hernandez
“The Moist Avenger” – Michael
“Sgt. Shiny Nipples.” – Me
“Captain Lacquored Abs” – Michael
So the match starts with Flair/HHH clearing the ring.
“Trips has missed some steroid injections.” – Eric
“He’s been eating meat.. on top of meat.. on top of meat..” – Hernandez
So HHH starts with Carlito, but a tag to Flair, some double chops, some double struts.
“And a Woo: Part Deux” – Michael
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring, Carlito is beating down Ric Flair. Carlito goes and grabs an apple – spits on Flair, and then hits the figure four. Finally Trips is through with watching this he runs in and kicks Carlito.
“Hey! That’s illegal… stop that!” – Chris
Carlito brings Flair to the corner and the chop battle begins. The crowd totally into the ‘wooing’ – Carlito hits a spinebuster on Flair.. ouchily – Carlito climbs the top rope, and Flair grabs Carlito and slams him down. As he’s walking to Trips.. he flops. Nice.
Carlito tags in Masters who goes for the .. Masterlock. Low blow stops it, and a tag to Triple H – and he takes down everyone.
“Who gave him the nickname, Cerebral Assassin?” – Michael
“He did…” – Me
Trips spinebusts everyone, leaving him in the ring with Masters. Hunter heads out of the ringand tries to find his sledgehammer.. and finds it. This isn’t a no DQ match.. so, whatever. He hits the stairs for a resounding clang.
“It’s real..” – Hernandez
“Those stairs?” – Me
“Yep.” – Hernandez
Hunter goes in to hit Masters with the sledgehammer, but Carlito stops it. Flair stops Carlito. Triple H goes to give Carlito the pedigree, but Masters comes in with the sledgehammer, but Flair clips him. Pedigree hits.. that’s that.
WINNERS: HUNTER & FLAIR!
They cheer in the ring together until…. well… Hunter hammer’s Flair in the face… BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!
“Killing blow! Killing blow!” – Chris
“The Passion of Ric Flair…” – Chris
Michael notices a very subtle point, that they beat down Flair right in front of all of the legends.
“Yep, I’ve had that blood on me” – Me as Harley Race
COMMERCIAL
So, while we were watching commercials, apparently Triple H beat Flair all the way to the production van.. and now that we are live, he’s continuing it in the middle of the backstage area. Claiming that nobody has the balls to stop him.
“IT PUTS THE LOTION ON IT’S SKIN….” – Michael
“This is the rest of the show until Hogan shows up.” – Eric
“…Hunter… I’m… diabetic..” – Hernandez
“Ric Flair turning a rather unhealthy shade of purple.” – Michael
So Hunter tosses him in a limo and sends it off on it’s way.
“That coulda gone better…” – Michael as HHH
“I have to work on these anger issues..” – Me as HHH
COMMERCIAL
In the ring right now are all of the legends. Dusty gets the mic in the ring.
“Everyone’s match will end right now…” – Me
“Orton’s going to come and hit them all.” – Eric
And they interrupt THIS!??! GOOD GOD NO! WITH ROB CONWAY?!?!?
“Can everyone do their finisher on him now?!” – Hernandez
“The audience even is thinking this lame.” – Me
“Koko’s gonna hit him with the parrot.” – Michael
Dusty explains that the table he eats off of was built by these legends.
“The table was actually built by Hacksaw.” – Eric
Conway then gets beatdown by a bunch of octogenerians. Then eats the Von Erich Claw! SNUKA CLIMBS THE TURNBUCKLES! HITS IT! Okay, I guess that was kinda neat.
COMMERCIAL
And now it’s time for boobies. And once again, in the Jamie is lecherous competition… Candice is ahead.
“I think the winner is Torrie’s puppy.” – Eric
TORRIE – VICTORIA – CANDICE vs. ASHLEY – TRISH
Everyone gets laid match…
So Trish and Ashley are going to lose, if only because they are wearing pants. So befor ethe girls get to the ring, Torrie drops Ashley’s shirt revealing a nice Victoria secret number. Ashley fights back though and gets Victoria’s shirt off, showing a nice red number.
Now back in the ring, Candice gets Torrie – Trish gets Torrie and they choke them into each other to drop both of their shirts. Torrie in a pink and black, and Candice in what seems to be a black meshy thing. As the good girls are trying to drop the pants of the bad girls – they kick out.
In comes Victoria and Trish and Victoria have their moment in the sun. As Trish is going for the handstand headscissors, Victoria pulls Trish’s pants down, but she still gets the move off – and then drops Victoria’s shorts. On the other side of the ring, Ashley almost drops Candace’s entire pants/undies combo… but saves it at the last minute. Trish drops Torrie’s pants with an assist by Ashley and that’s that.. simple and pointless.
WINNER: TRISH & ASHLEY
In the back Bischoff decides that since Vince has left, he’s back in charge. So his match is now a NO DQ match.
“And I shall fill his boots with Kryptonite” – Michael
So Kurt will be joining him down ringside.
COMMERCIAL
“Shut up Cole” – Eric
That must mean it’s time for the Smackdown match. In the ring is Teddy Long, convulsing like an sob for no apparent reason.
REY, BENOIT, BATISTA vs. JBL, CHRISTIAN, EDDIE
“Is that the same limo that Ric Flair got taken away in?” – Chris
“Look for the stains..” – Me
“That’s why they are showing it from this angle” – Michael
“I’m never gonna dance again.. guilty feet ain’t got no rhythm!” – Me with Christian’s theme, GOD I missed that!
Bischoff interrupts before the match begins. Since McMahon is not here, this match seems to be off. So Bischoff turns the lights off.
“Blood bath!” – Hernandez
Bischoff then sends us to commercial!? What an amazingly annoyingly heelish thing to do. I like it as a writer, hate it as a wrestling fan.. so torn.
COMMERCIAL
So now Mean Gene is in the ring introducing Hulk Hogan. The Rabble goes tepid. Dani announces that she was so bored that she left, came back, saw Hulk and left again.
Blah blah bruther.. blah blah pythons.. blah blah versus Stone Cold at Wrestlemania…….
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Hogan Knows NOTHING
COMMERCIAL
I’mmm baaack.. and better than ever..
BISCHOFF vs. CENA
No DQ Screw Job
“I predict… Austin” – Eric
“It would be cooler if it was Jake the Snake” – Michael
The Champ is Heaaaaaahhhhh
The bell rings, and Cena watches Bischoff try and throw fists… He catches Bischoff’s leg, and then one fist drops him.
“Can Bischoff do an enzuiguiri?” – Hernandez
“Now I know why PPV’s end 15 minutes early.” – Hernandez
Five knuckle shuffle. In runs Angle… goes for the Angle Slam, and Cena reverses it and gets low blowed. Bischoff gets a 2 count, but in comes Angle with a chair – he swings it bounces off the ropes and hits Angle in the head… out he goes.
Cena then stops Bischoff from getting the chair. F U.
WINNER: John Cena!
In the ring though here comes Angle – and Cena/Angle begin to fight. Teddy Long stops it though, and he hates to be a negative influence.. so he’s going to do it Gangsta Style. HERE COMES THE SMACKDOWN’ERS!
“Play the West Side Story theme” – Hernandez
Heels on Cena – Faces on Angle. Batista though, gets Bischoff – here comes RAW… CLUSTERFUCK!
Sooooo…. as far as I’m concerned they started off so very strong, then everything after the ladder match was a downfall… but at least there was some story motivation.
What did the Rabble think?
“Meat.. on top of meat.. on top of meat…” – Chris
“It wasn’t very interesting” – Laura
“I waited 3 hours for the damn ‘Exposed’ show” – Hernandez
“What?” – Michael
“What did you think of Raw?” – Me
“That was my answer … What?” – Michael
“A lot of people got paid tonight.” – Jenna
“An excerpt from this book I’ve been reading:
We see them come,
We see them go.
Some are fast,
and some are slow. – Doctor Theodore Geissel” – Eric
So the verdict is that the show was par if not below par. Maybe they should have limited the OLD stuff and made the faction war thing be a bit more than just an end thing…
Oh well, thanks for reading, and we’ll catch you up next time!
Thanks for reading. G’night.
