ah, Carl, while you are not safe I am not safe, and
now you’re really in the total animal soup of time
and who therefore ran through the icy streets obsessed
with a sudden flash of the alchemy of the use
of the ellipse the catalog the meter & the vibrat-
ing plane, who dreamt and made incarnate gaps in Time & Space
through images juxtaposed, and trapped the
archangel of the soul between 2 visual images
and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun
and dash of consciousness together jumping
with sensation of Pater Omnipotens Aeterna Deus
– Allen Ginsburg, Howl, first read publicly on October 7th, 1955
Fifty years and it still sounds like it’s ahead of its time.
In Memoriam: August Wilson. One of my regrets in life is being of the wrong skin color to speak his magnificent dialogue on stage.
Fuck Yous to the following: Dan Shanoff, Eric Neel, Rob Neyer, Jerry Crasnick, John Donovan, and, of course, the Idiot Bill Simmons. Let’s see those smiles wiped off your faces later this week.
So who the f*ck is Harriet Miers? First of all, she looks really, really scary. But that’s only appropriate. We’d expect Dubbaya’s lawyer to look really scary. Honestly, it looks like she’s wearing a flesh mask over her face. And what makes her the absolute ideal person for the Supreme Court? She ran the Texas Lottery while Dubbaya was governor. Jesus Christ, I’m more qualified than she is to be a Supreme Court justice. I have this feeling that the Senate will bounce her once the entire legal profession goes up in arms against her having no bench experience. Already happened once in my lifetime (but probably not yours) in a similar situation with Abe Fortas. So don’t be surprised if another name’s pulled out of the hat.
Well, nothing much newsworthy per se in the Outside World. I mean, nobody noticed that K. J. Choi actually won a tournament this weekend, because we were all caught up in the final weekend of baseball and a mindf*ck week in the NFL. And considering I have three hours of Raw to deal with, that’s a good thing. So I’ll just move on…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard talks zombies, a pertinent subject considering the readership of this column.
Dear Dan Hevia: The last thing I want to know about is a game between the Yankers and the Dead Sux. Obviously, the center of the baseball universe was in Cleveland last weekend, and it’s only right and fair that Fox Sports center on that instead of inconsequential, meaningless games that no one outside of your little bailiwick wants to watch.
By the way, now that I’m finished downloading it, I’ll probably give my opinion on the Warrior DVD next week.
Neeley covers the clip show USA meant to catch us all up on Raw over the years in prep for Monday night. He also sticks with his Velocity Report.
Zarur stays on the Heat Beat now that it’s at wwe.com.
Wallace gets a little less girly and discusses margaritas.
Paul connect karma, chicks at gay bars, and shitty DJs.
The Comics Roundtable hashes over the December-cover-dated books in great detail.
Pomazak recaps the week in the NFL.
Dr. Jay covers the league in baseball I don’t give a shit about.
Unlike the gentlemen above, Tierney does not get a Fuck You.
WELL, HOW TO DEAL WITH THE NEWS THIS WEEK…
Due to all the hoopla surrounding Raw and USA and all that, I think that quickies might be the best option…
Since Raw was conveniently located in Dallas this week, Kevin Von Erich decided to take a little trip into Vinceville backstage (and then follow that up with going on camera, something very unusual for the man who’s always been the shyest of the Von Erichs…okay, I know, he’s the only one left, but back in the day…), and told everyone that the deal to sell the WCCW library was essentially done. WCCW was the last major footage library that was out of Vince’s ownership, and it was something WWE wanted desperately because of the early Wife-Beater and Foley footage that it contains. Personally, I don’t give a shit about either of those guys. I do, however, now regret that I don’t have 24/7, since it was early-80s WCCW that got me interested in wrestling. So now you know where to assess the blame. I would kill to see David Von Erich, Chris Adams, Brian Adias, the Freebirds in their prime, Gino Hernandez, etc., again. What they did back then seems really tame in the post-ECW and X Division Eras, but back then, it really was a revelation, especially considering that I was coming from Chicago and AWA, which had styles that could compare to WWE Main Event. Please, once it’s on, start watching it. It’s worth your time.
I have to give credit to 1bullshit Junior. They linked to a terrific article by Bryan Robinson of ABC News on televised wrestling. A lot of respect toward the industry, especially for someone in the mainstream media, and no real factual errors. Of course, it’s not in-depth and it won’t be satisfying to most of the audience here, but it’s still nice to see some good mainstream coverage for once. There’s only so much out there that’s contradicting the Phil Mushnicks and Jim Romes of the world.
Well, now that they got Kenta Kobashi to work for them (and he ended up with a broken tooth in the process), ROH decided to take the next step to the big-time. According to Big Johnson over at 1bullshit Junior, Jim Cornette is the new ROH “commissioner”. Okay, I have to say this: it’s a good fit. We all know how much Corny takes his wrestling seriously, and we all know how much ROH takes their wrestling seriously. But the “commissioner” thing? Come on, that’s the kiss of death. If he was booker or trainer, I don’t think any of us would have problems with it. But, on-screen (or on stage, or on DVD), Corny is now a weakness. He’s never grown beyond his 80s persona, and we’ve all seen what happens when someone becomes ossified in a particular character (see Hogan, Hulk). You could tell that from his OVW time. Keep Corny, but get him back behind the scenes where he belongs.
Honestly, thanks to the Raw inundation, there isn’t much being released out there for general consumption. So, let me get a flashback going here. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with more than two hours of wrestling on a Monday night since 2001, and, frankly, my psychiatric condition was a lot better back then. Guess I just have to do it…
THE LONGER-THAN-NORMAL SHORT FORM
Kurt Angle versus Shawn Michaels, 30-Minute Iron Man Match (Time-Limit Draw (2-2)): First of all, a little crowing. I did predict in the Round Table “overtime” and “a controversial ending”. I think that Angle walking out on a sudden death period fulfills both (and with Michaels almost getting the winning fall, I’ll chalk up another success with my prediction of Michaels winning the match). Now, on to the rest of the stuff. This was the weakest of the three matches this year between them. I don’t know if it was the goddamn commercial breaks or what, but this match kept clicking in and out. They’d have it together and be on the same page, but then they’d lose it, then get it back again, lather, rinse, repeat. In fact, I don’t think it beats out Michaels/Benjy for Free TV Match Of The Year. Oh, it was very, very good, I assure you, but it wasn’t excellent. Considering the legacy these guys have already put together in only two major matches against each other, that’s almost a damnation.
Edge over Matt Hardy, Money In The Bank Loser Leaves Raw Ladder Match: It’s over! It’s over! It’s over! This f*cking interminable idiotic feud is over! So now I have to suffer through seeing f*cking Hardy on Smackdown. The match itself? Guys with tables, girls with canes…it’s ECW On USA! Cute spots, but we expected that. Look, I’m just so happy that it’s over I actually don’t give a shit about the match quality.
Even Matty-poo fans like Chris Arrington are sick of him:
I was one of the few people who supported how he acted when Edge stole his woman. Until he came back with obviously no balls to at least put in his contract that he beat Edge in this feud. Now he lost and he didn’t even get any real revenge. What a little bitch.
Well, all the Hardy apologists are going to point to the cage match and call that vindication. But anyone with any brains out there sees that his career is pretty much over with WWE. Smackdown mid-card, lots of apperances on Epilepsy, and that’s about it. Bye bye and good riddance.
Trip ‘n Ric over Carly Colon and Chris Masters (Pinfall, Trip pins Carly, Pedigree): First of all, I’d like to welcome someone back after a long absence who has surely been missed by wrestling fans all over. So, welcome back, Mickey Jay. Glad to see you wearing the striped shirt again. Now, as to this. The match was, of course, nothing. You wouldn’t expect it to be with Masters and Carly in there. However, the apres…yeah, we’d all heard the rumors about Taboo Tuesday. I was still hoping they wouldn’t turn Trip just yet. I think that my hopes for that, though, were based on my hopes that Cena would drop the title to Angle at Taboo Tuesday and we could have a nice Angle/Trip feud that would lead to a good match at Survivor Series and/or Royal Rumble. Oh, but the world just wouldn’t be right without Trip being the top heel on Raw, would it? So life goes on. Kudos to Flair on the blade job, though. He must have dropped two pints tonight.
Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro over The Ten-Buck Tramp, Candace Michelle, and Missus Hevia, Handicap Bra and Panties Match: Notice that Trish didn’t get one piece of clothing stripped off her? That’s what being WWE Women’s champ gets you, I guess. And why did they blow the Mae Young routine on the promo, good as it was? It definitely would have added something to this. Namely, it would have made it into a perfect farce instead of a boring and inconsequential one.
John Cena over Eric Bischoff, No-Disqualification WWE Title Match (Pinfall, F-U): Well, during the seven years on USA, so many Raws ended in comedy matches, why not begin the new era with one as well? Best moment: Angle hitting himself with the chair. That shows you how bad this was.
Fans Go Wild: Even the fans decided to go a little retro this evening. As KC Evers (no relation) queries:
What’s with the WCW fan? Even moreso…what’s up with the Ian Rotten sign???
And even more so, what’s with the “CM Punk is the future” sign? You’re going to see him soon enough, dammit. No need to pimp him until he’s actually on one of the shows.
Creature From The Pit: I said in the Round Table that nothing would happen during Piper’s Pit. Randy Orton is the living definition of “nothing”, so I’m going to chalk that one up as me being right. I’ll forego the normal “Dear God, did we need to see Dorkboy?” comments and look at other things. Obviously, this is probably going to set up an Orton/Piper match at Survivor Series of some form, perhaps in a Survivor Series match. I’d prefer it be one-on-one, though, setting up a nice little quandary for Cowboy Bob: who do you support, your old friend or your son? And I will give “creative” a little credit: they came up with a perfect rationale for Orton to go after Piper. Orton blaming Piper for the abuse Cowboy Bob suffered as Piper’s lackey back in the 80s? It accentuates both today and the Legends aspect that WWE wants to push. Good work, folks. Too bad that it had to be Randy Orton.
A Twenty-Five Minute Descent Into Hell: First, there was the fact that Wife-Beater was there in the first place. Everyone knows how I feel about that subject, so I’ll just move on. Then there was him and Vince reminiscing for ten minutes about Austin/McMahon. Look, I already lived through that once. Don’t remind me of it. It’s in the past, it’s over, it’s gone, the moment has passed, the guy’s lost his erection. Then Shane, the only McMahon I’d be excited to see, gets to come in and do…not a f*cking thing. Not even one word. And then something I thought I’d buried, something I thought that was gone forever, happened: f*cking Steph comes into the ring. Steph and Wife-Beater…oh, my poor LASIK-repaired eyes. And my poor ears, having to listen to that bitch again. And then…you know, when Shane came out, my first thought was, “Oh, shit, Steph’s going to show up, isn’t she?” Then when Steph got Stunnered, my first thought was, “Damn, this means Linda will show up too.” And she did. And I was forced to see her engaged in a chug-a-lug with Wife-Beater. And then I was forced to watch Wife-Beater completely blow the Stunner on her (which, to her credit, she sold pretty well). Not only a complete waste of time, but unimaginable pain on virtually every mental and spiritual level you can imagine.
You know what? They f*cking owe me for those twenty-five minutes. They owe me. And I will demand payment.
KC Evers (no relation) inquires about my health:
Wow…Steve Austin, Stephanie McMahon, Matt Hardy, Chris Masters. How many K-Dawgs got you through the last hour? My aplogies for asking, but I can’t help but think that the second hour of the show was torture for you.
I took one prior to the show anticipating Hogan and Wife-Beater. It wasn’t enough. It took an extreme effort on my part to stay away from sharp objects or things to throw through the screen.
The 80-Year-Old Virgin: When does using Mae Young’s fetish for exposure stop becoming a cliche and becomes a tradition to be honored? Look, after that twenty-five minutes of sheer, utter crap earlier, seeing Mae’s bra was actually refreshing. And DiBiase…he’s still got it. “I’ll give you a thousand dollars to put your shirt back
on!…Two thousand!” At last, after all these years, something the Million-Dollar Man can’t buy his way out of. It was cute, and it was appropriate for the night. So I’ll forgive it.
Judgment Call: Rob Conway interrupting Dusty Rhodes: disrespect or a blessing in disguise? What certainly wasn’t disrespect was Kevin Von Erich getting to hit the Claw in Dallas. Now they need to explain to the audience visually why that was important by broadcasting that WCCW footage heavily on 24/7…yes, I know, I’m harping. However, here’s a suggestion that’s going to meet with some approbation from the readers: if they want to do Legends right, how about a Legends Survivor Series match? Some of these guys can still go. And, let’s face it, wouldn’t you love to see them one more time instead of seeing Hogan again?
And A Special Thank You To Eric Bischoff: Thank you for saving us from the most boring match that Smackdown could have come up with for their appearance. It’s something all of us dreaded in the Round Table, but were certain that they’d do the moment that the personnel component was announced. I hoped they’d settle for an elimination match, but I knew in my heart that they’d do the six-man tag. Well, we dodged a bullet there.
But, That Being Said…: With DAVE scheduled to be part of the Smackdown match and Randy Orton showing up for no reason anyway, why didn’t they pull the trigger on an Evolution reunion? Delay Trip’s turn one week, and just do an eight-man featuring some of the guys from Smackdown, as I said last week? It would have been something special, one last hurrah. Would have been nifty, you have to admit.
Brand Loyalty: Sometimes they even forget that Raw and Smackdown are supposed to be separate brands. This was evident especially at One-Night Stand, which turned into “WWE” versus “ECW”. Of course, Raw and Smackdown did have a modus vivendi that night. It was great to see that final schmozz. Just the sight of High-Quality Speaker Boy and DAVE working together to take out Bisch was enough to remind people that there are animosities between the two brands. Let this continue going into Survivor Series, please.
The Obligatory Warning: I thought we’d escaped scot-free when Wife-Beater didn’t say anything about it. But then Hogan had to come out and ruin my night with the spectre of him and Wife-Beater at Wrestlemania. So, I’m going to lay it all out for you two right now. If you appear at Wrestlemania, you will be in MY FUCKING TOWN. MINE. You think I don’t have any connections left? You don’t think I can’t do something about this? I can pretty much guaran-damn-tee you that you won’t leave Allstate Arena alive if you try this, you two f*cks (I can’t say “old f*cks” because Wife-Beater is actually three weeks younger than I am). I am goddamn serious about this. I’m planning on a visit home to attend this, and there’s no way in f*cking hell you’re going to ruin that for me.
KC Evers (no relation) concentrated on the mechanics of the promo:
It’s a WWE Homecoming, but with Mean Gene interviewing Hulk Hogan in the ring with a few minutes ’til 11 Eastern, it feels more like WCW Monday Nitro.
Bisch on a power trip…Eddy and Benoit there…the possibility of Wight coming out…DiBiase, Dusty, Flair…if Hogan had only worn the black and white, we could have pretended it was Nitro and wondered why Schiavone wasn’t there.
Derrek Croney has anticipated the future we all face:
Things that would happen if Hogan locked horns with Wife-Beater(tm):
1) You’d have to measure the workrate with a microscope
2) The referee would feel like he was working with not one, but two broomsticks.
3) Backup knee braces would have to be at ringside for either or both wrestlers, and of course..
4) You would find yourself worshipping a porcelain god because we all know you wouldn’t dare watch the train wreck.
No, I’ve already decided on the high-powered sniper rifles. Arrest and imprisonment for the rest of my life would be worth it, I think.
I’ll leave on that note of menace and turn you over to the rest of the site. Until this weekend, enjoy.