The Friday Music News Bootleg

Adventures in Instant Messaging

Joe Movies: So, how’s this week’s ‘Leg shaping up? Any more rodent stories to recycle?
Joe Movies: El Pollo Loco Redux, perhaps?

That_Bootleg_Guy: Nice…and I trust you’re eagerly working on page 18 of your next Prison Break recap. Send me an IM whenever you actually get halfway through the complete opus”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy: …of episode 7.

Welcome back to The Bootleg. In about a month and change, The Cam Fam will celebrate three years of wedded bliss. And, in a related note, we recently had some remodeling done on our kitchen.

So, what does “A” have to do with “B”?

Prior to Cabinet Builder Bob’s arrival on Monday, September 26, the wife and I had to empty out every drawer and shelf in the area. Of course, we scheduled the date months in advance, so guess when we decided to begin boxing things up?

So, there we were”¦the day before”¦purging the pantry, frantically finding homes for half-full bottles of Bailey’s and not-so-similarly sized bottles of bay leaves. During the course of the afternoon and into the early evening, the wife and I came across a small colony of Crate & Barrel boxes”¦each one unopened and sitting shelved, simply centimeters from the ceiling.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Had Kwanzaa come early for the Camerons? Nope. In fact, these meticulously aligned, mint condition cardboard boxes all contained a windfall of forgotten wedding gifts .

Unopened.

Unused.

And, unbelievably all from our registry.

OK”¦in hindsight, we should’ve seen this coming. I mean, what, exactly, can a Black family do with a wok? And, don’t get me started on the accompanying false advertising known as “fried” rice. That ain’t the kind of “fried” they serve at Popeye’s.

Although, if we’re ever looking to wash down our non-existent Asian meal, we could imbibe in a cold glass of wine, chilled to perfection”¦in our traditional ice bucket.

Looking back, I guess there’s a reason why you only see these things in a hotel’s honeymoon suite. Sure, they’re inherently romantic and can add to the evening’s ambiance, but I’ve found that they’re a lot less effective at home”¦y’know, when the refrigerator is right there.

The bagel slicer seemed like a necessary wedding registry inductee, save for the fact that we don’t usually do breakfast and in the three years since we got it, we’ve never lived within 20 miles of a bagel shop. Unfortunately, this is San Diego, not New York, and the chorizo burrito slicer is still a ways away in product development.

Anyone want an unused juicer? If it’s oranges you like, a sack and a half will get you half a glass. Perhaps you’re feelin’ a brand new food processor? The front of the box has a picture of a loaf of bread and fresh baked cookies. And, at $2.00 each for a pre-sliced loaf from the store and tube of cookie dough, the processor pays for itself after about 25 uses!

Everything MUST go”¦just make sure to take some Goodness with you!

You’ve Come a Long Way, Ho!

Just when you thought there wasn’t any marketable meat left on Tupac Shakur’s decaying carcass, his mother has apparently moved aside and left some fat and gristle behind.

Pac’s sister, Set (not sure what that’s short for, but I’m betting it ends with “-eesha”) has announced a fall 2006 release for a line of women’s clothes inspired by Shakur’s ridiculous posthumous alias, “Makaveli”. The proposed women’s wear will be called”¦oh, come on, is she serious?

She’s calling it “Madameveli”?

Well, sure”¦I guess “Tupac ForHur” would’ve sounded silly. And speaking of which, I encourage everyone to obtain any piece of the “Madameveli” press release that you can find. You won’t find anything funnier:

“The (Madameveli) brand aims to expand upon (Tupac’s) iconic legacy by exposing the female ego of the Makavelian persona and establishing an untouchable position in the retail fashion world.”

Oh, yeah”¦the “female ego” is a natural fit for anything even remotely associated with Tupac’s name. The Wonda (Why They Call U Bytch) Bra line should sell itself, don’t ‘cha think?

“The edgy collection will serve as an Armour, or protective gear for grown women who want to place themselves on unshakeable pedestals and celebrate their regality.”

Jesus Christ”¦I wish every week was this easy. “Armour”? Me thinks comparing women’s wear to metallic medieval attire isn’t going to win you too many retail sales. And, what’s with the French-speaking-province spelling of “armour”, anyway? The only people who use that superfluous “u” haven’t exactly made a whole lotta cash in fashion.

“The line will include miniskirts with garters, bustier/gaucho cat suits, corset-style tops, hip hugging suit pants with suspenders, denim jackets and other pieces.”

Holy sh*t, kids. Garters”¦cat suits”¦? I didn’t know the “unshakeable pedestal of regality” was a stripper pole and a street corner”¦.in a very bad neighborhood. Still, I’m glad to see clothing inspired by Tupac’s music”¦videos. Is there anyway they can get this out by next Mother’s Day?

Mrs. Bootleg needs to accessorize with the headgear I bought her last year.

Lil’ Jughead Can’t Read

Last Friday”¦mere hours after the 9/30 Bootleg went live”¦came the news that American Idol III winner, Fantasia, is functionally illiterate.

She reveals this, and more, in her recently released autobiography, Life is Not a Fairy Tale. This comes as a shock to pretty much”¦well, a few people, I’m sure. I, for one, have been saying for years that Fantasia should’ve spent a little more time in the classroom and a little less time on the planet Eternia battling He-Man, Teela and Man-At-Arms, as part of Skeletor’s royal guard.

Fantasia was able to hide her illiteracy and mispronunciation of simple words by explaining she was “country”, which is slang for Black folk who live somewhere south of civilization. She’s now working with a tutor and hoping to inspire others by sharing her story”¦in a book.

Let’s hope Fantasia can spell “irony””¦and, this just in, I hear she’s on track and should have the word mastered by the end of the month. Oh, I’m kidding. Illiteracy is no laughing matter”¦at least, judging from the collective reactions to my take on this news item, so far.

Besides, I’m sure her target market can just wait for the” books on tape” version. Hell, I’ll be first in line if they can get Black Frankenstein, on tape, to phonetically feel her way around the first five chapters or so. If only I could set aside the two days it would take to get through those 20 tapes.

The Most Shocking News Story of the Year!

Reality show fans, rejoice! VH1 is bringing back Celebrity Fit Club for another jiggly-thigh run, this winter. And, look at the celebs they’ve lined up: Bizarre, whose fame comes mostly from Eminem’s D-12 group and Young MC, whose fame comes mostly from the year 1912.

The rest of the cast is rounded (HAW!) out with Joe Reid’s Countess Vaughn (The Parkers), Tempestt Bledsoe (The Cosby Show), Bruce Vilanch (creepily continuing corner square on Hollywood Squares) and”¦wait, this can’t be right”¦Kelly LeBrock?!

Weird Science and The Woman in Red were just 20 years ago! How unkind could the last two decades really have been to her (cinematic career, notwithstanding)? Well, she was married to Steven Seagal for several years, so I hold him personally responsible for Kelly’s upcoming 12-week prance through TV’s Fat Camp.

Look at him“¦he made her this way, just to create a woman in his own elephantine image. And, after Fit Club, I’m thinking that Kelly LeBrock’s career opportunities will rank somewhere between Seagal’s and the kid from Weird Science that wasn’t Anthony Michael Hall.

(Yeah, yeah, but for the sake of this joke, let’s assume that someone can sit through USA’s The Dead Zone.)

You’ve Got Some Dirt on Your Upper Lip

Before we continue”¦everyone still waiting for the arrival of their Young Jeezy Snowman T-shirts need to know that they ain’t coming.

Hip Hop fashion company, Miskeen Originals, has cancelled its production of the shirts after discovering that “Snowman” was a synonym for, well, let’s just say “possession with intent to distribute”. Apparently the run was not halted in time for the first 500 shirts to hit the streets, however. Surprisingly, it’s still not the worst snowman-related release in recent memory.

And, we all know where that winner resides.

So, while we’re on the subject, does anyone know where it all went wrong for Michael Keaton? He had some solid seasons in the late ’80s and early ’90s, but couldn’t craft that Hall of Fame career that many believed he had in him. He’s the Mike Greenwell of the Movies, it would seem.

And, if ever there was a life story that needed to be told, it’s that of the 1980s All Star athletes. Not because anyone actually cares about which player was the best or their riches and excess”¦we only want to relive what passed for a mustache back then.

And, look who we got for the soundtrack.

“¦Makes Homer”¦Something Something”¦

Can someone please tell me how the Bootleg went so long without mentioning Heather Mills McCartney? This woman is a gold mine for The Goodness. Earlier this week, she propped her peg leg atop her soapbox for an anti-weed soliloquy:

“I’m older and wiser, but if I saw someone take a puff from a joint, I would freak out completely. I would run round with my air freshener saying, ‘This stinks, get it out of my house’.”

Now, of all the places in the whole wide world where Heather could host her hypothetical harangue”¦she picks her house? And, why does the image of a middle-aged lady wildly wielding a Lysol â„¢ can at a pot party seem like a future scene from American Pie 5: Because Jason Biggs Needs a Job?

While the studios fight over the film rights, let’s hear more from Mills-McCartney:

“We know people in mental institutions through marijuana; some people can smoke it and it does nothing, but if you’ve got a light chemical imbalance you can literally create so much damage to yourself and bring on paranoia and depression.”

Hoo boy! Now, I’ll concede that some of us might know someone who was once in a psych ward. But, when you start owning up to knowing enough men and women in mental institutions to use the plural of “person”, to make a point”¦? Well, then, you’re either a former asylum employee”¦or a current asylum escapee.

Do you think the rooms there are really made of rubber? And, what would happen if you bounced a superball off of one of those walls?

I wonder if “insanity” is just thinking too long about questions like these.

But, come on”¦would it ever stop bouncing?!

It’s in Revelations, people!

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Favorite Bootleg punching bag, Ashanti, is releasing a new line of fragrances called Precious Jewel. It comes in perfume, mist and something called “shimmer stick”. Earlier this week, Ashanti gave a self-serving interview on the product from deep in the suburbs of obscurity, or wherever the hell sales from her last album sent her:

“This project was very precious (thumbs up, cheap pop!) to me. I wanted everything to be perfect! I must’ve driven the fragrance developers nuts by making sure everything was exactly how I envisioned.”

Way to hammer home that name-brand adjective, Ashanti. But, what, exactly, did she envision? Well, since the conversation was taking such a technical turn (y’know, “What’s it smell like, Ashanti?”), she deferred to one of her reps to take it from here (I am not making this up):

“(The scent is) fruity without being overpowering, powdery enough without giving a headache.”

OK”¦the first part is just too easy”¦so much so, that anything I wrote in response would be ultimately unsatisfying. It’s the second part that concerns me, ladies. I’m thinking that if you’re buying perfumes that are too powdery”¦then, you’re probably buying powder and you’re in the wrong aisle.

And if “giving a headache” is the criteria between a good perfume and bad, you could save your husbands and boyfriends from a lot of sexless nights by passing on the perfume and taking a bath before bed, instead. Continuing:

“It has top notes of bergamot, apple and peach; a middle layer of jasmine, ylang-ylang, rose, orchid and lily of the valley; and a base of sandalwood, musk and oak moss.”

For those counting at home, that’s eleven different stanks in one bottle. And, my Black ass if anyone can find any of those aromas in there, somewhere. I mean, your target market would have to have the sophisticated olfactory sense to discern between”¦

“The entire line will be available at Wal-Mart.”

Well, then”¦

General Haberdashery

Fernandez has a non-music story to tell. And, for those of you who guessed the setting as “a bar”, well, you faithful Jeff readers will be rewarded with quite the tale of ingested ale. He’s also got exploding sperm”¦whales! And, a dark green asshole”¦t-shirt! Fine, I’ll stop”¦now! The classics never die.

Gloomchen is a victim of sabotage at the hands of a popular website of some kind. The end result is a 3.5 point column that covers”¦oh, I’m not gonna spoil it, go read it. What? I read her column. Just because I don’t want to name the points of her piece doesn’t mean I can’t name ’em. Fine, there’s”¦something on Iowa, I’m sure. If I’m wrong, get back to me.

Mathan mentions The Bootleg in his first breath, then proceeds to completely recycle one of his old columns in lieu of a new one. That’s gimmick infringement, buddy. What do you plan for next week: a complete no-show? Dude, Mike Eagle and Warren Woo are gonna kick your ass.

Shawn and his shoulder are jacked up. He’s got laptop problems and his unemployment payments aren’t enough to sustain his high-falootin’ way of livin’. But, he also lives in New York and is part of an aspiring comedy troupe, so it all evens out. Plus, I’m a sucker for inside jokes towards Inside“¦whoops, I’ve said too much.

And, for you sports fans out there, m’man Greg Wind has a fantastic debate going on over on the reader forums. Find out if your team has any right to cry like a punk-ass prag when they don’t win it all.

J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.

J is for Movie Joe Reid. After bashing Charlize Theron last week, Joe has nothing but effusive praise for Scott Baio’s guest spot on Arrested Development. And, that’s it. That’s all that’s been posted since last Sunday. Ooh, but wait until this weekend, when Joe goes off“¦on Buffalo’s weather”¦again. Sample: “Man, it’s cold!”

Hard to believe 411 fired his ass, no?

Also, be sure to check out Joe over at The Film Experience. Whoa”¦he’s got news on the upcoming Batman vs. Wolverine flick? And, news on the death of Mike Myers?! And, an Ecks vs. Sever joke?! You’d betta axe somebody!

A is for me.

M is TV Mathan. And, for all of you wondering why everybody loves Mathan, check out his comments on Desperate Housewives. In the first sentence, he tells us he hates the show. In the next three sentences, he tells us two things he liked about the last episode and one thing, from previous episodes that he longed to see. With contradictions like that, he should find those WMDs in no time.

Junk Mail: YOUR REVIEWS SUCK Edition

Have you read my reviews this week on new albums from Lil’ Kim, DJ Quik and Snoop Dogg? Well, somebody has and he’s (they’re) not happy:

You have GOT to be sh*tting me. An eight for Lil’ Kim from the man who gave a 7.5 to Kanye West!?! Dude, the new Trina is out on Tuesday, why don’t you just give her a 10 and get it over with. Your reputation as a reviewer has never been very high with me, but this is the end. Is there a reason why Nick Salemi doesn’t get more space to share his thoughts on Hip Hop? At least he knows what he’s talking about”¦S.G.

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OK, that’s it. After reading that bullsh*t Kim review, you’re officially crossed out. Tell Nick and Mathan that they’re the only to reasons left to read anything on Inside Pulse”¦B.N.

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You’re way overrating “Naked Truth”, Bootleg Guy. It’s maybe a 5. Kim says the same thing in every album she’s dropped. Her t*tties are big, she’s Biggie’s girl, etc. Better beats (and that’s debatable) over the same ol’ sh*t is still the same ol’ sh*t”¦J.A.

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Did you really just compare DJ Quik to Kanye West? No, you didn’t. Come on, Cam, quit playin’. You actually wrote that wack-ass review using your “Bootleg Guy” persona, right? That was some funny sh*t. You were joking, right?…T.G.

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Get off of Snoop Dogg’s d*ck. You and the three people you still know from Long Beach are the only ones still checkin’ for him. Find some real rap to review or quit wasting our time”¦B.W.

OK, OK”¦I did get a few positive and concurring emails on each of the above reviews, too, but those are never as much fun to share. And, since misery loves company:

Now, let’s get to what I really wanted to get at y’all about. There’s just no way that Little Brother deserves a 10 (from Nick Salemi). A 10 should be reserved for that sound that changes the direction of the game. Chronic, Ready to Die, Illmatic, 36 Chambers. I know Nick knows his product, but 10 years from now will heads be talking about this joint as a classic? Maybe for its time, it’ll carry some weight forward, but that’s more a product of the industry and how bad its gotten. I read Salemi’s review on Common and Kanye’s joints, so I was surprised to see him get caught up in the hype of LB. It’s a good joint, but not perfect.. have a good weekend and it’s good to have you back!!! E.M.

Nice. Constructive criticism for the part-time guy”¦hot pokers up the ass for That Bootleg Guy. Ah, hell, who am I kidding”¦? Keep the feedback coming as next week I’ll have reviews of Little Brother, Mack 10 and the new Tupac concert DVD!

Your flame could appear right here! Next week!

Happy Columbus Day, everyone! Rape n’ pillage for the fun of it, in celebration! Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13!