Stuff I Think and Shouldn't Say: Stuck and Bored in Astoria

Every Thursday, when this column is in its infancy, I “second guess” if I am enjoying the direction SITASS is taking. I stare blankly at my computer and wonder “What the hell am I doing?” Some weeks, it can be a bizarre interview, and other weeks it’s just a 9 page rambling bunch of nonsense.

Funny nonsense, but nonsense nonetheless.

(Okay, so “funny” is a stretch. Sometimes it borders on “amusing” or “eh.”)

This week, I didn’t sit down and write anything Thursday. I won’t pretend I did. In fact, I am so chock-full of ideas for the “As Yet Unnamed Comedy Troupe” that I am completely spent when it comes time to write anything for IP.

Not to mention, my arm is hurting (again/still!) and I am royally just pissed that I have been out of work for almost a month. If you read last week’s column, you know that I am also dealing with computer issues and the fact that I HATE being at home all day, and when the Worker’s Comp money starts coming in, it will be shitty.

Really shitty.

To top all of this blog-tastic insanity off, I have a birthday coming up, and its starting to get to me. Next week, I turn 27.

I know, it’s “just another day,” but really, nothing puts the stagnancy of your life into perspective than the birthday that could, potentially, make you a legend. This could be “the year,” my stand-up career could take off or I could sell a script.

Honestly, if, in my teens, I was asked to pick a year to die, it would have been the one coming up. Why?

Well, here’s a list of all the important artists who have died at 27:

Kurt Cobain
Jimi Hendrix
Robert Johnson
Janis Joplin
Jim Morrison

Honestly, I don’t do drugs (although with my recent medical issues, I am thisclose to sparking up a big fat blunt) so I probably won’t die of an overdose. I also haven’t sold my soul to the devil (yet!) for the ability to rock hard, so I can’t imagine me kicking off anytime soon.

In fact, if there is such a deal, I might just act Satan for a little notoriety. I don’t know if money would ruin me, but judging by the size of my Amazon wish list, I know that any funds I might procure will quickly disappear in lieu of buying a LOT of really cool shit.

Let’s be honest, what guy wouldn’t want to own this much shit! Insanity? Maybe. I would do the same damn thing though, if I had the motivation and the funds.

Since I have neither, it shouldn’t be an issue.

This elite club in music intimidates me. I have no legacy, yet. What gives me hope is that since I have been out of work, I have written more jokes than ever. Not just “filler” jokes, truly funny bits. If I wasn’t so busy with the Comedy Troupe (who I will refer to as “AYUN Comedy Troupe” until we have a name) I would be hitting every open-mike night here in NYC.

Well, I guess it’s a good place to be. I am so focused on making the group work that I won’t step out until I have a polished set. This new set will be killer.

I finally have an MRI appointment.

Next Monday, 10/10, I will go headfirst into the machine for the first time in 7 years.

The last time I had an MRI was on my head after a sick-ass concussion, and I barely remember it. In fact, I was later told that I had sex with three of my female friends in college (no, not at the same time) during this timeframe, and I don’t remember that either.

Honestly, when attractive co-eds are checking in on you whilst you are sleeping, and they are scantily-clad, I am sure you would do the same thing.

I guess Ssquared with a brain injury is very sexy to the ladies? Sometimes, when Tracy isn’t home, I beat the shit out of myself with a ball peen hammer.

It hasn’t worked, yet.

I will keep you updated though.

Anyway, I don’t want another surgery, but seeing that it has been 12 years since my knee surgery. That event spawned such tales as “Boo-Boo Bunny” and “The Time I Hurt My Mom’s Feelings By Insulting The Size of Her Pores” while coming out from under general anesthesia.

So, if you already thought I was an asshole, I have proof. Maybe I can get a response from the Original Mrs. Smith:

Shawn,

Mom

Okay, Mother. You win…this time!

Shitf*ck! Bob Saget!

AYUN Comedy Troupe has been meeting for a month now, and I really starting to get a good feel for a stage show.

Improv mixed with sketches = comedic gold.

So, I want to thank the actors for having faith in the project. I really believe that this could be something amazing, and I’m proud to be able to work with such awesome performers and people.

This past week, we read a few of the scripts that ATP and I have been working on for the group. Needless to say, “The Exorcism of Emily’s Fro” and “Inappropriate Girl on Date” got a lot of laughs.

So, in case you all were wondering, I CAN write funny stuff…just not consistently.

*WINK*

Onward we go…

SITASS NEWS: Anything else would be…Reliable!

Pearl Jam, Plant Get The Led Out In Chicago

A thousand dollars is a lot for a concert ticket, but Pearl Jam and special guest Robert Plant justified the price last night (Oct. 5) during an intimate benefit for Hurricane Katrina victims at Chicago’s House of Blues. The show raised $1 million for the American Red Cross as well as Habitat for Humanity and the Jazz Foundation of America — none of whom, joked Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder, are subsidiaries of Halliburton.

Plant doesn’t typically play venues this cozy, nor does he usually serve as an opening act, but he modestly submitted to both changes of pace for a strong 45-minute set composed mostly of songs from his new Mighty Rearranger album, plus Led Zeppelin classics such as “Black Dog” and “Four Sticks.”

Pearl Jam’s two-hour set felt more like a love-in than a concert, with the vast majority of the crowd made up of rabid fans with deep pockets. “It’s good to know people still know how to have fun with their money,” quipped Vedder.

With only a passing mention of the event’s purpose, Pearl Jam stuck mainly to a career ranging set (“Even Flow,” “Better Man,” “Corduroy,” “Black,” “Alive”), each song of which had the audience singing along in unison.

As the last date on its current tour, the band looked a little beat. But the fun was ratcheted up during the second encore, as “Given to Fly” segued into its melodic inspiration, Led Zeppelin’s “Going to California,” which Plant and two members of his band, the Strange Sensation, performed beautifully.

Plant then stayed on stage for a run through his past, with Pearl Jam as both accomplice and awed spectator. He and Vedder traded verses on Elvis Presley’s “Little Sister” and the apt “Money (That’s What I Want)” before offering a unique duet: Zeppelin’s “Fool in the Rain,” with Vedder and Plant sharing a lyric sheet since, shockingly, the latter had never it played in concert.

Following a gorgeous take on “Thank You,” with Plant’s voice in fine form, he and Pearl Jam returned for Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World,” featuring a rare instance of Plant foregoing his frontman status by strapping on a guitar and playing along at Pearl Jam guitarist Mike McCready’s side.

Pearl Jam will spend the next month fine-tuning its next studio album, due early next year via J Records, before beginning a South American tour Nov. 22 in Santiago, Chile. Plant resumes his North American outing tonight in Grand Prairie, Texas.

(credit: Billboard.com)

The Arcade Fire Inflamed by MTV

Arcade Fire frontman Win Butler expressed outrage about a recent MTV.com report that the new Arcade Fire album would be inspired by the recent tsunami and Hurricane Katrina.

“Fucking MTV,” Butler told U.K. website Playlouder.com. “I never said that. It pisses me off. They asked me one question about [the recent tragedies], if I felt bad about it. I said of course, and they twisted it to make a whole story out of it.”

A spokesperson from Merge Records confirmed Butler’s sentiments to SPIN.com: “The headline was the problem [‘Arcade Fire Channeling Katrina, Tsunami Sorrow On Second LP’]. It had nothing to do with the interview.” The Arcade Fire is working on a follow-up to Funeral in Quebec.

(credit: Spin.com)

Gorillaz Remain A Mystery

Damon Albarn has said people still don’t realise he’s the man behind Gorillaz.

Despite being the mastermind behind the group, Damon told NME.COM that most people “don’t really know who’s behind it”, despite the fact they’ve released two albums.

“You get cab drivers in London who say ‘you haven’t done anything for years Damon'” he laughed, “and I say ‘Well I’m Number One, actually’. But you know, that’s a minor detail.”

As previously reported on NME.COM, Gorillaz are set to step out from their cartoon shadows and play album Demon Days live for the first time in its entirety.

The band will play a five night stint at the Manchester Opera House from November 1-5, and unlike their last UK gigs in 2001 when the group performed silhouetted behind a screen, Damon and co will reveal all and take to the stage.

The residency is being used to launch the new Manchester International Festival which will take place in 2007.

(credit: NME.com)

Dead 60s Invade U.S.

Liverpool, England’s ska-infused punk rockers the Dead 60s kick off their third U.S. tour Friday in Worcester, Massachusetts. The group’s six-week trek will see them supporting Southern California’s Social Distortion, combined with a number of solo headlining dates.

Despite the band’s British pedigree, the foursome — singer Matt McManamon, guitarist/keyboardist Ben Gordon, bassist Charlie Turner and drummer Bryan Johnson — have been winning fans in the ranks of America’s punk elite, thanks in part to a stint on the Warped Tour this past summer.

“A lot of American people took to us quite quickly, which is slightly unusual for a British band, so we’re just embracing it,” McManamon says.

“We’re kind of out there on our own — it’s not like us and the Kaiser Chiefs taking on America. So to have people like Tim Armstrong of the Transplants and Mike Ness [of Social Distortion] — people who are legends in their scene — endorse our band, I didn’t expect it. It’s cool.”

The group will drop “Train to Nowhere,” the follow-up to their debut single “Riot Radio,” in time for the jaunt. According to Turner, the song is about growing up in Liverpool. The track is expected to be followed by the ska-rocker “We Get Low,” which draws on McManamon’s more impoverished times. “That’s about when I was a struggling musician, before I got signed,” he recounts. “It’s a little story about actually going down to sign on the dole.”

Although the Dead 60s plan to return to the U.S. early next year, they are looking forward to taking a few weeks off around Christmas to work on some new material. “We’ve got some new songs,” Turner says, his thoughts already turning to their second record. “We’ll still do different grooves because otherwise we’ll get bored. There’ll be some speed-funk punk, like the old Talking Heads stuff. It’s an interesting groove because it’s like twice the speed as a hip-hop beat, so you’ll be able to tap your foot at the same time.”

(credit: Spin.com)

Darkness Fans Left In….The Dark?

Darkness fans have, well, been left in the dark for so long regarding the band’s highly anticipated sophomore album, but now that the wait is almost over the details are coming in thick and fast.

One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back was produced by the most rock n’ roll of rock n’ roll producers, Roy Thomas Baker. He’s the man responsible for fine tuning the most definitive artists of our time, including Queen, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones and The Who. “Roy Thomas Baker is a genius, that’s all there is to say about it.” Darkness frontman Justin Hawkins states, “It’s been a privilege to watch that man work, his ear is perfect, his instinct fabulous.” Could he be the man that got The Darkness back on track?

On November 29, One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back will be unleashed upon the world, but until then, we’ll just have to make do with a tracklisting. Maybe if we try to construct a tune out of the song titles…

Tracklisting:

1. One Way Ticket
2. Knockers
3. Is It Just Me?
4. Dinner Lady Arms
5. Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
6. Hazel Eyes
7. Bald
8. Girlfriend
9. English Country Garden
10. Blind Man

(credit: Undercover.com)

brought to you by Strattera

R&B singer Kenny “Babyface” Edmonds has separated from his wife of thirteen years, Tracey. The couple, who co-produced movies and television shows, has two children together. Shit. My girl casually refers to me by two nicknames: Tutu Tiger and Babyface. Mr. Bootleg just told me that I am, as he puts it, “f*cked.”

Conversations With Tom Petty, the first book documenting the rock & roll pioneer’s life and work, will be released November 1st. …Weed Not Included!

Korn will release their new album (minus former guitarist BRIAN “HEAD” WELCH), See You on the Other Side, on December 6th. Anyone who cares will, most likely, not be reading this column.

Hip-hop mogul Dr. Dre has donated one million dollars to Houston’s Julia C. Hester House, which will allocate the money to fifty families devastated by Hurricane Katrina. This is just another way of admitting that he is sorry that 50 Cent, and, in turn, Tony Yayo exist. In fact, he should just give me back my 20 bucks for Get Rich or Die Tryin’. I am still pissed that I own that.

A Perfect Circle drummer Josh Freese has been filling in for Nine Inch Nails drummer Jerome Dillon while Dillon is undergoing treatment for a heart condition. It is uncertain whether Freese will replace Dillon, whose health problems led to show cancellations last month, for the remainder of the NIN tour. Not that anyone goes to NIN shows for the drumming, but SITASS sends its love out to Dillon…for dealing with Trent’s enormous ego.

Ashlee Simpson will attempt to redeem her infamous “Saturday Night Live” lip-synched performance this Saturday when she returns to the show to promote her new album, I Am Me, out October 18th. There, Mom, I am just trying to make it up to you for the whole “pore” incident.”

This Just In:

Shawn…you are an ass.

Mom

Awww…there’s love in the air. Thanks Mom. Thank you for the agony that I am sure those 72 hours were 27 years ago.

I have a huge head!

The new lineup of INXS, with newly christened frontman J.D. Fortune, will embark on their first North American tour in 2006. The twenty-three-date Switched On tour starts January 18th in Vancouver. Also, Milli Vanilli’s new line-up, with Gloomchen and KDP at the helm, will begin touring in Massapequa, Long Island in February. Opening act will be Widro and the Funky Bunch.

(credit: Rolling Stone.com)

Alright guys, that’s it for this week. I was going to head Upstate for my birthday, but it appears as though our car got towed.

Unpaid parking tickets? My bad!

Until next week, keep it real!

Ssquared