ENTRANCE SPIEL:
Life pre-empted this column last weekend. It’s the Westminster Dog Show to the Anti-Pulse’s Raw and ever so much more annoying. This week, however, I am here and just generally in a negative mood. Not drunk, not angry, not surly, not belligerent, not stoned, not depressed, not weird… just negative. You have been warned.
The first target is Raw Homecoming. I’ll get to that one in more detail below, but I’ll just say here what I said to Ross and Andy about it:
“‘Homecoming’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘shite’ but it should, since it was.”
That’s as accurate and concise a critique as you are likely to find online. Further details are below…
Also, there’s the traditional Anti-Pulse Preview of the upcoming PPV. Yes, there’s a PPV on this weekend. It might have escaped your notice, but it is Smackdown’s No Mercy, which has in turn been shown none by the marketing department but couldn’t possibly be any less interesting than Homecoming was… right…?
Plus, there’s all the news. Not very much this week, but there’s people getting fired, there’s torrid love affairs and there’s people possibly dying so, really, how can you not resist?
Oh, and apparently Mike Lockwood is a big fan of R.E.M.’s Green album. Or he was a fan… I don’t know, it’s pretty confusing and involves a theologically-ignorant ISP, just go read the damn column…
TOP 5 U2 SONGS:
1. “The Fly”
2. “A Sort Of Homecoming”
3. “Acrobat”
4. “Bad”
5. “An Cat Dubh”
RAW HOMECOMING: AFTERMATH
Okay, before I get down to any of the specific segments or matches, I just want to note my disappointment that they didn’t invest in some new opening credits for the show. Hell, its about time we got a new theme song at the very least.
– Piper’s Pit, Foley’s Folly:
I don’t expect much of anything from Roddy Piper these days, so I was quite surprised to see that he was actually putting a modicum of effort into this Piper’s Pit. Sure, it wasn’t WrestleMania V or anything, but at least he seemed to be enjoying himself for the first time since he was swapping crazies with Flair on Nitro back in ’98 or so. Foley, however, just looked bored to death and stumbled through the entire thing. I wasn’t expecting him to say anything particularly interesting but he could have at least pretended. The entire crowd wanted to eat out of his hand, they were starving to do it, but Foley couldn’t even time his trademark Cheap Pop Thumbs-Up properly to get it on-camera. The appearance by Orton was perhaps the most unexpected development of the evening but it was scarcely a welcome one. I can buy that Orton unexpectedly came along with the Smackdown contingent, that he has lingering resentment towards Piper over his father’s career, and that there is still some bad blood between him and Foley. I can buy all that, but… where was The Undertaker? You know, Orton’s opponent at No Mercy? Because the only reasonable way to justify this segment was if they had turned it into a cheap plug for the PPV… Not only that, but Taker has probably been on more episodes of Raw than anybody else on the active roster. Would it have killed him to make a special appearance here? It wouldn’t have needed much. Orton RKOs Piper and Foley, starts posing, the lights go out, the bell tolls, the lights come on, Taker’s in the ring, the Ortons shit themselves and run away, Taker does some posing for the fans, end segment. That’s all it would have taken. There was a second glorious opportunity for Taker to make an appearance, but we’ll get to that in due course…
– 30 Minute Iron Man Match:
Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle
I knew they were going to have this one go to a draw and I would like to take this opportunity to remind you all that I am the kind of guy to say “I told you so” and that, well, I told you so. After all, this show was already stacked and there was no need to give away the deciding result here when a draw just keeps the lingering desire for that decision burning in the background, ready to be thrown onto a PPV card at the drop of a hat. It wouldn’t surprise me if they saved it for WrestleMania XXII, to be honest. I guess it depends how much filler they will need for New Year’s Revolution. The fact that I’m talking about the potential, real Angle/Michaels III says it all about this particular match. It’s not that it was bad, since these two would have to try harder to have a bad match with one another than they would have to otherwise do to get a great match. It’s just that it wasn’t great. It was merely good. Those might be unfair expectations, but that’s the price they pay for being so unfairly better than the rest of the roster – especially together. It just didn’t feel like it clicked properly, which is more down to the stipulations than the effort. A 30-Minute Iron Man Match suits guys like Styles and Daniels because of the way they work, but for the old-school coated goodness of Angle and Michaels, they would be far better suited to a 60-Minute version. Angle needed 28 minutes to make Michaels tap out at WrestleMania XXI, Michaels needed 26 minutes to get the pin on Angle at Vengeance, yet now they each get two falls apiece within 30 minutes? I just can’t buy that, just like I can’t buy into Iron Man stipulations on a TV show rather than PPV. Personally, I really need to fully immerse myself into an Iron Man Match to get the full effect out of it. That’s hard to do when commercial time eats up a third of the match. Still, it was a nice touch at the end to have Michaels ask for a sudden-death period only to have Angle walk off.
– Highway To Hell
Stone Cold vs. The McMahons 3972: Electric Boogaloo
The McMahons have always had a far broader ego than us mere mortals, so I can understand their burning desire to get into the ring and take a Stunner in the name of “entertainment.” Since a more appropriate term would be “nostalgia” there is just no possible way that anybody can convince me that dragging it out for this long was such a good idea. Send Vince out first for his swagger of glory, let him thank the fans, wrestlers, legends, etc. Then have him announce his family has put behind all their petty squabbling, then bring out Shane, Stephanie and Linda all at the same time, let them share their little moment, then the glass breaks, he Stuns them all at once, drinks some beers and then f*cks off. That would have at least been tolerable, if not particularly enjoyable, since it would have meant the three-hour show didn’t wind up running long just so we can all remember how much more innocent this all seemed back in 1998.
– Supercalifragilicstahwhogivesatoss Ladder Match:
Edge vs. Matt Hardy
To those of you moaning about how Matt lost the feud – shut up, it’s not over yet. To those of you grinning like highly caffeinated Cheshire cats about the feud being over and done with – shut up, it’s not over yet. We’ve still got the Survivor Series on the horizon, the damn near guaranteed encounter between the two in the Royal Rumble match, and the overwhelming possibility of the true grand finale coming in an inter-brand match at WrestleMania XXII. All that this result means is that we won’t have to suffer through this every single week between now and April – although if they did just turn around and fire Hardy now, it would be so absurd that I would have to book a hearty laugh for a week next Thursday, when I am in the mood for laughter of a hearty nature once again. In the interim, we’ll no doubt have yet another round of Edge/Kane upon the firey one’s return – plus the Money in the Bank gimmick should finally be laid to rest once Angle has left the title scene and before Triple H gets back into it. As for Hardy, well, he’ll just vanish into the fan-made ether that claimed Christian, possibly being rewarded with a token United States Title reign at some point. I, along with 63.4% of the internet, would have preferred it had Edge left Raw instead but, alas, it was not to be. At least the match itself had some fairly unusual spots, though the whole thing just felt rushed and hollow. I kept expecting the camera to pan backstage to show Shelton Benjamin and Kane were behind the match with their PS2 controllers. At least we’ll get a temporary reprieve from all of this – although they really should just fire Lita and be done with it.
– Sure, Why Not?
Triple H & Ric Flair vs. Carlito & Chris Masters
Well, great, The Game is back, the Phallic Sledgehammer is back, and now next week we can all look forward to the glorious return of the Twenty Minute Promo as he very slowly explains all of this. What was with that huge face reaction he got anyway? Sweet mother of mercy, if Flair gave a verbal blowjob to Saddam Hussein and brought him out as his tag partner, would you cheer him too? The match was a complete wash – with the sole, guiltily enjoyable pleasure of Flair slamming Carlito off the top – but that was to be expected. The only doubt was over whether it would be Hunter turning on Flair or the other way around, but thankfully they went with the less-annoying version… only to make it exceedingly annoying by dragging it out for so long. This isn’t like Hunter turning on Orton – people love Flair. They’ve just spent the past month or so making sure we all remember that fact. Yet now the entire Raw roster just sits back and watches the lengthy beatdown occur? What about the Smackdown guys? All it would have needed was for Batista to be standing there backstage, off-camera, and just calmly tell Hunter to leave him alone. Hunter looks up, sees Dave, and grudgingly backs off. That way you not only do something to make the Raw audience care about the Smackdown champion, but you play neatly off of the history of the characters and leave that tension between Hunter and Dave simmering away in the background for that fourth match at some point in the future. Hell, they could even have done the same thing with Benoit and it would have had the same effect. And they couldn’t have just had Hunter deck Arn Anderson at ringside for continuity’s sake? I can buy the rest of the Legends not giving a f*ck about Flair getting beaten, but not Arn. Anyway, we now have a heel Triple H and a face Ric Flair. Not only that, but Triple H is working a program with the Intercontinental Champion for the first time since the unfortunate demise of Jeff Hardy’s career. These should be good things, but I just have no idea how they could keep the build for this one going all the way up to WrestleMania, which is the most appropriate setting for this match by far, without giving Flair a couple of months off to sell that beating. If he does that, well, there’s the question of what happens to the Intercontinental Title, but the more worrying matter would be Triple H’s next opponent. If it’s the man most likely, then I’m just going to wash my hands of the entire story. You know who I mean, right? The guy that is both Triple H’s eternal nemesis and yet recently became Flair’s tag team partner? The guy that has been frozen out of the title scene by Bischoff and Angle? Yeah? Him? Uh-huh, I know… I’d rather see Austin beating up the McMahons for 25 minutes than see Hunter and that guy go at it yet again…
– Old People Can Dance Differently
Legends Strike!
Yup, fine, gather them all up in the ring for some cheap pops. That’s fine. I would have preferred to see them involved in more backstage skits throughout the night, like the Dibiase/Snuka/Duggan/Young one, rather than getting one dedicated in-ring segment, but they gave Von Erich his rightful moment, so it’s all good.
– Skank-a-thon ’05
Trish & The Others… & Victoria
Okay, look, have you ever seen a woman naked? Do you want to? If so, then just go outside and start talking to the more appealing ones and take it from there. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be a real one. Just go buy a magazine or keep clicking on websites until one pops up, it shouldn’t take long. You don’t even need to put that much effort into it, just don the Thinking Cap, pull up the Wanking Chair, sit yourself down and have a nice little moment. Anything, anything, anything but continuing to encourage this worthless nonsense on WWE programming. I never thought I would say this, but I actually miss Gail Kim… and Molly… oh, Molly, my sweet little heroine… come back soon…
– Smackdown Suffers
Dave, Benoit, Rey vs. Eddie, CLB, JBL
There is no excuse for doing this. None at all. The second opportune moment for Taker to appear was, naturally, when Bischoff said “Lights out.” They come back on, Taker’s behind him, he hits the Tombstone, the match proceeds as planned. After the match, Kurt Angle hits the ring and demands to know how the hell these Smackdown stars have the right to come onto Raw, hijack their big show, and send the General Manager to the hospital, ruining the planned main event between Bischoff and Cena. This, naturally, brings out Cena, who tries to make peace since it wasn’t that long ago that both Cena and Angle were on Smackdown anyway. He stops to throw in some a few sly jabs at JBL, which prompts the Smackdown heels to attack, which prompts some Raw faces to make the save, and the whole things breaks down from there until Cena and Batista are the last two standing, saluting the crowd as we go off the air. Unless you would actually have watched Cena/Bischoff, in which case I hate you.
– Hogan, Mean Gene, Austin… No Austin… Yet…
If only all of Hogan’s “special appearances” were this brief. I know that he’ll make up for it by coming back time and time again in the build-up to WrestleMania, but this one was fine. Really, once we’ve heard him yelling “WellyaknowsumthinMeanGene!!” then there’s no reason to continue watching. I’ve covered the Hogan/Austin thing many times in this column in the past month or two, so my feelings on it are perfectly clear by now. I can only hope that we get the return of Austin’s Hogan impressions at some point, and that this truly is Hogan’s swansong. I know he wants to go out on a high note and it is simply impossible for any Hogan match in 2006 to get any bigger than this one will be.
– WWE Championship Match:
John Cena vs. Eric Bischoff
Sorry, I far prefer my idea about this one in the previous Smackdown-related paragraph. It seems we’ll be getting another dose of Cena/Angle for Taboo Tuesday, which is just fine and dandy. In a wrestling sense, that is. The insipid continuation of the Cena/Bischoff feud that will be underpinning the match is most annoying, though not as annoying as the undeniable dread at the company having nothing more interesting to replace it with. Anyway, the whole Raw vs. Smackdown thing is rumoured to be building to an inter-brand Survivor Series Match for next month, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the PS2 game of the same name coming out then too. I know I wrote up above about how they could have played this Raw/Smackdown brawl better, but I really just don’t see the need for any of it. Keep the inter-brand matches for WrestleMania and the only other in-ring interaction for the Royal Rumble. Anything else is just overkill, especially if it is a PPV selling point. Besides, most of the people that are likely to be involved in such a match have no logical need for loyalty to their current brand anyway. Guys like Cena, Angle, Edge, Big Show, Benoit, Guerrero, Batista, Orton, Undertaker, Booker T, Christian, JBL, Carlito and a whole load of others have wrestled for both Raw and Smackdown, some of them on multiple different occasions. I’m loathe to use the word “invasion” here, but if that’s what they’re trying to do then I’m just not buying into it. The ECW appearances at least had a proven style and cause for the wrestlers involved to lend themselves to. Hell, even if they tried to do something like that with their ROH employees then it could be believable. But trying to do it on two practically identical wrestling shows owned by the same company? That’s just desperation booking.
So, really, that’s it for the Homecoming. The only younger stars that were made to look any good were Orton and Edge… only for the former to job to Piper on Smackdown, while Edge is all but guaranteed one more definitive loss to Hardy before it’s all said and done. What an impressive three hours of disappointment that show was…
Can the next big show possibly be any better?
THE TOP 50 2004/2005:
Well, that’s that done for another year and it seems like Ross and I have managed to make our most agreeable Top 50 list yet! Sure, we’ve had a fair number of people that disagree with our pick for #1, but they’ve at least done so politely and intelligently. I guess the Inside Pulse readers are a better crowd than the bunch that got our last 50…
Anyway, if you haven’t yet read it then you really should. It’s not just the greatest thing since bread came sliced, it’s the greatest thing since bread came unsliced. In fact, it’s pretty much up there hanging out with flour and water and looking down at everything else with mock contempt. If you have already read it then, well, thanks. Now go and read it again, or at least make me some toast. Mmm… toast…
Be sure to send us some more feedback out of the kindness of your hearts!
NO MERCY 2005: PREVIEW
– World Heavyweight Title Match
Batista vs. Eddie Guerrero
Well, this is pretty much the only match on this card worth donating your time to, which is more of an indictment of the rest of the line-up than praise for the main event. Oh, sure, this will be the best match of Batista’s title reign (unless you’re one of those that loved his Hell in the Cell… you know who you are, and Shelton Benjamin is still great…) and could potentially be the best match of his life if Eddie is really in the mood. Not many people seem to remember Eddie’s match with Brock Lesnar at No Way Out 2004, despite it being where he won the title, but it’s one of the best small man/big man matches I’ve ever seen, even with the bammy Jewish ending. So if the match will be good, with the potential to be great, and if the build-up has been surprisingly intelligent for this sort of thing, then why am I just so apathetic about it? Maybe it’s because there is more chance of me winning the title than of Eddie claiming it, either here or in the inevitable rematch at Survivor Series. It’s more likely just the thought of having to sit through so much dross just to get to this point in the show that I’ll either have to be really drunk or trying to win a bet just to keep watching. Seriously, just check out the rest of the card…
– Handicapable Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Randy & Bob Orton
I have changed the match title in a curious case of political correctness gone mad, which is in line with the general tone of continuing this charade for this long. According to the rumours, we’ll also have the pleasure of yet another bout between these two at Survivor Series, possibly in a Buried Alive Match. This leaves us with two possible reasons for this feud being dragged on for so long. One is, yet again, that they are trying to brainwash the more gullible members of the audience into buying Smackdown vs. Raw 2006, which just so happens to include Casket and Buried Alive match options (plus random “legendary” appearances by Piper and Cowboy Bob). The second is that the people writing the show do not in fact watch the show, and so it has completely bypassed them that the Orton/Taker feud is still very slowly continuing. Orton and Taker are innocents in this, trapped in a booking bubble and just carrying on with their orders, freed from any strange notions of quality or entertainment. Personally, I think the truth is a little mixture of both reasons. Sure, the match probably won’t be that bad, although I’ve never seen a Casket Match that I liked. The last time they fought, Taker even tried to sell for Orton. It was a pleasant surprise, though his Surly efforts at WrestleMania and SummerSlam were far more entertaining for all the wrong reasons. The best result would be Taker getting shoved in the casket and disappearing for several months, returning just in time for his annual victory party at WrestleMania. If that means Orton has to lose here in order to get the, hopefully, decisive victory next month in Detroit, then so be it. Does anybody remember when Taker’s budget was restricted to having Body Bag Matches? Nothing says “rest in peace” like a bin-liner…
– United States Title Four-Way
Chris Benoit vs. Booker T vs. Christian vs. Orlando Jordan
I’m not sure if this is an elimination match or not, but I sure hope so. There’s fun to be had in getting Booker and Christian to throw Jordan into the Crossface from the get-go, plus the added benefit of getting him out the way and letting the others get on with it. Jordan’s continued employment is one of the many real mysteries about wrestling these days. If the only thing the writers can think for him to do is tap like a bitch in under 30 seconds, why the hell does he get to stay while Rico, Charlie Haas, the Anti-Dudleys, the Tough Enough kids, the non-skanky/non-Trish Divas and anybody else ever released in the history of the company, ever – including Nailz – all get their marching orders? It’s not as though they even have a Cabinet anymore, although they do seem to be in the process of at least considering to rebuild it. If that’s true, they certainly don’t need Jordan’s involvement. Ken Kennedy would be a much better fit and might actually be able to have a good match one of these days too. Anyway, hopefully once this match is over things will be a little clearer on the US title front. At the moment the champion is still toying with his bitch, Christian is trying to feud with Booker and not the Mexicools, Sharmell is trying to get Booker to feud with Benoit, and Kennedy’s just trying to piss off the lot of them. Building up some competitive contenders is great, but some direction would be even more welcome since this has been treading water ever since SummerSlam. It was drowning before then, so it is an improvement at least, but we can do better… we can do better…
– “Pinata On Judy Bagwell’s Pole” Match
Rey Mysterio vs. JBL
Wow, that Orton/Mysterio feud sure lit up Smackdown, didn’t it? Perhaps Vince finally sat down and watched Rey, seen how big he wasn’t, and pulled the plug on the whole thing. Then again, perhaps getting a program with JBL is an even bigger ‘privelige’ than the rumoured Orton program would have been. Who knows? What’s the frequency, Vince? More importantly, what the hell will happen to JBL now? Ever since Bradshaw got the most dramatic character overhaul this side of the Lex Express, he has continued to do a far better job than the pessimists give him credit for and than the optimists were expecting. However, every single thing he has done has revolved around either winning, retaining or reclaiming the title. Now, for the first time in over a year, he’s on the undercard of a PPV event with no title on the line. I think the last time that happened was No Way Out 2004 when Benjamin/Haas defeated the APA, with Shelton pinning the future JBL. My, how things have changed. They’ve taken the right route with JBL having a crisis of confidence over his recent lack of success, but they’ll have to turn this into something more tangible fairly soon if the character is to keep up his hollow credibility for a possible second title reign. See, Triple H just couldn’t have this problem and we all know it. With JBL, more effort is required than making jokes about Mexicans. He should lose here, of course, although if Hunter can get away with making jokes about black people and still defeat Booker T then who knows?
– Cruiserweight Title Match
Nunzio vs. Juventud Guerrera
Yes, apparently this match is happening. Juvi won a #1 Contenders Match on Velocity, although WWE.com hasn’t acknowledged it at time of writing. There’s an obvious feud to be done with the Mexicools and whatever they’re calling the FBI these days. Regrettably, I’m just not paying attention and I doubt that too many of you are either. We might, if Nunzio and Juvi were given a good 10-15 minutes to cut loose and really go at it. We also might if we were promised Trish’s phone number if we watched this enthusiastically, but that’s not going to happen either. No, we’ll just get 5 minutes of punching, kicking and rest-holds, interference from the hired goons, maybe a dropkick or a moonsault, and that’ll be that. All the while, Cole and Tazz will be shilling about how Friday Night Smackdown is the only place to go to for top cruiserweight action. All the while, there’s every single TNA and ROH show there ever will be, offering up so much more and asking for so much less. Ah, life…
– “I Can’t Believe She’s The Talented One” Match
Legion Of Doom & The Amazing Forehead Of Skank vs. MNM
What are the odds on Melina getting traded to Raw in the next draft lottery, feuding with Trish and leading to Mercury, and perhaps even Nitro, getting released by next summer? I’d take that bet. I just hope that by that point we don’t still have the misfortune of seeing the Zimmer Frame Warrior and his accomplice, Little Johnny Shango, continuing to clog up Smackdown. Trust me, this is not going to encourage anybody to buy that DVD that wouldn’t have already done so… And how bad is it that I actually miss Heidenreich and Snitsky as a combo?!
– “Sylvain Didn’t Swallow” Match
Ken Kennedy vs. Hardcore Holly
Okay, so we had Kennedy interfere in the Booker/Christian thing, plus it’s connections to Benoit/Jordan, he had a guest role in the continuing affairs of JBL/Mysterio, and now he’s snuck into the Grenier/Holly feud too. That’s quite something. All he needs to do now is start up backstage KTV cameras and let the hilarity ensue. I’d just like to take this opportunity to personally thank him and everybody else involved in making sure Sylvain didn’t get a PPV match. Why they tried to position Holly as the Diva defender is beyond me, especially since Forehead is busy shacking up with the tag champs and Legs has vanished completely. It’s just one of many random, pointless pieces of filler they have on the Smackdown undercard that I’m just too sober to have any appreciation for. For the moment, I’m just hopeful they don’t try and ram this Kennedy guy down our throats like they did with Carlito. He’s got a good finisher, a sing-a-long catchphrase, and at least looks competent in the ring, unlike that fat f*ck of a tag champ on Raw, but let’s just play it cool this time around…
“Nova Invented The Pounce” Match
Simon Dean vs. Bobby Lashley
Excuse us for the news, you might not be amused, but did you know white comes from black, no need to be confused…
ANTI-NEWS:
The internet is currently breaking apart due to rumours concerning JIM ROSS being replaced as Raw’s play-by-play man by Mike Goldberg, currently working as an announcer for UFC. Those same rumours have JR being the announcer for the new batch of online matches that WWE.com will be offering in lieu of their current televised B-shows. Not content to leave it at that, the rumours are also saying that Vince McMahon will “fire” JR on Raw in order to exact revenge on Steve Austin following Austin’s little Stunner spree on the McMahon family at the Homecoming show. Those rumours sure like to say a lot, don’t they? Well, since they have been out-and-out acknowledged by Jim Ross himself in his Ross Report on WWE.com, it would probably be a good idea to think of them less as “rumours” at this point in time and more as “spoilers.” Oh, that reminds me – Spoiler Warning! Alert! Danger! Ah, the hell with it… There seem to be a surprising number of people who are displeased by these developments. Personally, I’m pleased as punch to think that I might finally be able to watch a Raw event without the load of corny cowboy cliches that JR has been reduced to now that his play-by-play skills have gone on a part-time basis, if not quit him outright. It’s alarmingly obvious just how far JR has fallen if you listen to any of his announcing on the Ultimate Ric Flair Collection. Back then, he was truly one of the greats. Now he makes so many blatant errors that it actually distracts me from the match itself, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. So, really, why is this a bad thing? They aren’t actually firing him, he’ll still have a job and he won’t even have to travel with the crew on the road to do it. The only bad thing is that they are not cutting Jerry Lawler too (although I wouldn’t be surprised to see him phased out shortly, possibly even immediately “quitting” in protest at the treatment of his friend) especially now that they have quite rightly made The Coach into a permanent fixture. As far as this Goldberg fellow is concerned, well, it’s a case of wait-and-see since I’ve never heard him announce anything before now. I’m quite prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially since it means that Smackdown’s quality announce team of Michael Cole and Tazz isn’t going to be broken up. Considering that they could quite easily have hired the popular Joey Styles or moved over the under-rated Josh Matthews though, he certainly has some high expectations to meet…
***
No matter where he may or may not be announcing though, as long as he is employed by WWE then JR will continue to bring us the ROSS REPORT each and every week. Quite apart from putting up cryptic messages about the future of the Raw announce team, he takes most of his space this week to put over some of the Legends that appeared on Homecoming. I have a problem using that word with a capital L to describe all of those people. Let’s be honest, there are legends and then there are Legends. Harley Race? Legend. Koko B. Ware? More of a legend. At this rate, we’re going to have to turn the Hall of Fame into a two-storey building. One of the Legends, Dusty Rhodes, apparently has a son by the name of Cody that is going to Harley Race’s wrestling school to try and earn himself a WWE contract. Insert your own joke about polka dots and/or Goldust here.
There was one particular gem of a quote from JR, as always:
“I loved the Angle-HBK match. I still like to watch men wrestle who know what they are doing… rather than observing a high-wire act between two guys who seemingly feel no pain or have the skills to actually correctly apply a wrestling hold.”
I would love to know exactly how many X Division matches JR has actually sat down and watched with an open-mind. I would love to know how he can spend so much time in previous columns putting over the valiant efforts by WWE wrestlers in TLC matches or Hell in the Cell matches and then hypocritically dismiss similar matches from, presumably, non-WWE wrestlers here. I would love to know how JR really, truly feels about WWE wrestlers like Chris Masters, Tyson Tomko, Gene Snitsky and Trevor Murdoch who quite clearly have great difficulty in correctly applying wrestling holds – even when the hold is meant to be their finisher. After all, Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels are the cream of the Raw roster. If we are giving TNA a fair comparison then that means comparing them to the likes of A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels. Is JR really that ignorant and out-dated that he cannot appreciate a Styles/Daniels match in the same way as he can Angle/Michaels? Actually… I think we all know the answer to that question and it’s just one more reason why I won’t miss you on Raw, Jim.
Also, to answer JR’s question about why Canada edited the Bra & Panties Match from Raw on the Tuesday replay – Canadians have good taste. To answer his question about how the match could be voted the worst of the evening since it wasn’t even a match – you shouldn’t berate the consumer for not liking something, you should berate the manufacturer for giving them something they don’t enjoy.
Oh, and he once again bemoans the current state of tag team wrestling, calling it “a lost art.” Jim… you do actually know there is a promotion called Total Non-stop Action, right?
***
Your tabloid “news” item of the week comes from WWE.com and Star Magazine, with rumours that STACY KEIBLER and Jennifer Aniston apparently fighting over some actor called Geoffrey Stults, who is appearing in Aniston’s upcoming movie, The Break Up. If your bullshit detector wasn’t tripped already, then the fact that the piece actually describes Keibler as “a pro wrestler who could crumble a little thing like Jen over her breakfast cereal” should be more than enough to set it off. I don’t care about Aniston, I don’t care about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I don’t care about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I don’t care about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, and I am actually mortified that I know the names of all of these celebrity couples so please, please, please just f*ck off and leave my wrestling news alone!
***
Everybody’s favourite WrestleMania headliner, BAM BAM BIGELOW, was hospitalised after a motorcycle crash. Bigelow is apparently okay but his passenger, a woman named Janis Remiesiewicz, is in critical condition. Neither of them were wearing a helmet, which is of course f*cking stupid and should hopefully remind some idiot with a bike out there that they really do need to wear it. Hope this person manages to make a full recovery – both for the obvious reason and for Bigelow’s sake, since this could very well land him in some serious legal trouble should her condition fail to improve.
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You probably have no idea who RUDY FISCHMANN is. Well, he was a writer on Raw who was recently fired despite being said to be one of Stephanie McMahon’s favourites. The latest reports are that Fischmann had leaked some presumably unpleasant comments about the Divas during a booking meeting, which was supposed to remain confidential. Whatever it was that got leaked, it led to Ashley (the Skank Search Super-Slut 2005) and Candice (the one that used to be on Smackdown that isn’t Torrie) having a very heated argument backstage. This was apparently the final straw for Vince once he heard what had happened, and so Fischmann was sent packing. It seems that Fischmann just complained too damn much about how the Divas were being handled for Vince’s liking. It’s also thought that the horrendous “match” between Ashley and Torrie Wilson on Raw last month came about because Fischmann wanted them to do some actual wrestling rather than just teasing nudity.
Only in WWE would it actually make a crazy kind of sense for the writer of a wrestling show to be fired for wanting the wrestling show to have wrestling matches… Still, as much as I can understand and even agree with Fischmann’s intentions – making your displeasure at something Our Benevolent Dictator Vince McMahon clearly thinks is, like, totally awesome dude so transparent, then pressing the issue time and time again in such a blatant manner? Even after it already led to one of the single worst matches in the history of Raw, not to mention risking the physical well-being of the Skankho Winner? Well, that’s just about dumb enough to make it onto a Matt Hardy fan-site. I am curious about what Stephanie and Linda think of how the company is treating it’s female “wrestlers” though. Hell, with one woman in charge of the writing teams and another in charge of everything that Vince just can’t wrap his head around (which is, let’s face it, quite a bit) you would think that they would at least try to have more than two female wrestlers and more than one that didn’t parade around in ridiculously small outfits. Maybe we should just all do what Jim Ross wanted and shut up and pretend to like it…
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There is a rumoured SURVIVOR SERIES card currently doing the rounds online. Hey, it’s a curiously slow news week, so I’m working with what little I have, okay? Anyway, there are no great surprises in the five matches listed. They include rematches for both main titles, with Batista/Guerrero and Cena/Angle heading up the show. Curiously enough, the rumours have Cena/Angle listed as a Hell in the Cell match. I just don’t see that one happening since the last one was only done in June and this one wouldn’t involve Triple H, who apparently believes that it is “his” match. Ross suggests bringing the Elimination Chamber back, since that one at least hasn’t been seen since January, but the rest of the card pretty much rules that one out altogether. If they have to add some kind of stipulation to a straight-up Cena/Angle match – which they probably will have to do, since this will be their third PPV title match in recent month following Taboo Tuesday – then I guess I would probably go with Last Man Standing and have Cena study a tape of HHH/Jericho at Fully Loaded 2000 very closely.
The other main match would appear to be an inter-brand “Classic” Survivor Series Match pitting Raw against Smackdown, with HBK/Carlito/Masters/Benjamin/Show up against JBL/Mysterio/Christian/Benoit/Kennedy. I think I’ve made my feelings about this perfectly clear up above and I still don’t see the point in negating all the internal feuds on those two teams in order to present a match that nobody could possibly pay good money to specifically see. The rest of the card doesn’t seem to be any better, unless you really want to see Roddy Piper take on Bob Orton in addition to another bout of Randy and Surly. Hell, at least Dusty Rhodes had the decency to request one more match against Ric Flair on a house show and not on a PPV. I hope that the final card proves to be somewhat better but I doubt it will be. Honestly, when was the last time we actually had a good Survivor Series card? The last one that I can remember actually enjoying was the Deadly Games tournament that run through the 1998 show, which was Vince Russo’s finest hour in the business, but that doesn’t exactly stand up well to repeat viewings if you know the twists in advance since the match quality is so low. I’d best not get started on the 1997 event… No, I guess 1996 was the last really enjoyable Survivor Series card, with an over-looked classic in Hart/Austin, some unintentional hilarity in Sid/Michaels, and some really fun tag matches to boot. That’s all that I’m asking for, you know. Just fun. The word should go hand-in-hand with the word ‘entertainment’ but not in WWE’s case. Somebody that’s been watching these shows for one week could cobble together a joint event that’s fun, so why is it so hard for people who have been watching them for their entire lives to do the same?
TOP 5 SURVIVOR SERIES MATCHES:
1. Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin [1996]
2. Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels [1992]
3. Bret Hart vs. Kevin Nash [1995]
4. Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund [1994]
5. The Hart Foundation/The British Bulldogs/The Rockers/The Powers Of Pain/The Young Stallions vs. Demolition/The Brainbusters/The Rougeaus/The Conquistadors/The Bolsheviks [1988]
EXIT SPIEL:
– JEREMY LAMBERT discusses Impact’s debut on Spike TV and continues his heterosexual debate with Andy Campbell…
– GORDI WHITELAW likes kicking people, thus winning a special place in my heart…
– KEVIN BUFTON looks at the history of the Casket Match, which has a proud thirteen-year tradition of sucking hard…
– DAVID BRASHEAR remembers something that happened in WCW, but if nobody was watching then did it really happen?
– JOHN DURAN has the recap of the latest Lost. If you’re watching the show and you want to know why they picked those numbers then click here. If you want to know the potential significance of their sum total then click here. Apparently, it has something to do with the unification of polar opposites. Yes, I’m reading way too much into this TV show but, hell, that’s what makes it so much fun…
– MATT BASILO reviews the latest Smallville. Superman got laid!
– IAIN BURNSIDE reviews DEFENDERS #3 over in the Comics Nexus. I hate that guy.
– Are you a plausible character? It seems as though I am. Apparently, I’m one of the kids from Stand By Me… please don’t be Wheaton, please don’t be Wheaton, please don’t be Wheaton…
AIM: KingKongBurnside
Iain Burnside is currently not Will Wheaton…
